True Blood: Don’t Negotiate With Crazies

***Please welcome our favorite all time commenters into the recap fold! Give us some family hugs, Vallegirl! This is a giant double recap to celebrate the ending of this season of True Blood. Your regular recapper, SlifeGoesOn, will be home soon to cover Gossip Girl. Take it away, Valle!

Previously: Marnia was an ill-conceived villain with a bad Spanish accent; Jason finally discovered the concept of Christian guilt; Sucky zapped back Eric’s memory but not his balls; Bill was boring with his bad olde timey Southern accent; Tommy finally died; Debbie tweaked out and convinced herself a drug dealer with a bad weave was hotter than Alcide (V kills, y’all); Sucky led her band of idiots into more trouble and the vamps got confused and thought they were in The Matrix.

Question: I know this show demands a ton of suspension of disbelief, but did anyone else find the idea that Viking giant Eric could fit into wee tiny Jason’s doll clothes one step too far?

Jason might literally be pocket-sized

So we open with the showdown at Moon Goddess and the vamps are still unaware of how this whole magic thing works and are planning to just walk up and blow it sky high. Seriously, dudes. At least sneak up down the back alley. This is just showing off. Must be Bill’s idea. He’s a moron.

Marnia sees this and tries to swan around, but looks more like she’s seizing, and upon realizing there’s a nascent revolt among her minions, tries to quell it by confusing everyone with nonsense, overacting and an incomprehensibly bad Spanish accent (Really, if Glenn Close could dub Andie McDowell’s accent so she didn’t sound like a hayseed in Greystoke, they could hire Elizabeth Peña to dub Marnia’s accent. She could use the work.) but only Roy is biting with a Hotel California reference that even Marnia thinks is stupid.

Wiccan Extra #3 has to provide a plot-driven device for the third act so she freaks out and comes at Marnia who magics a knife in her chest. She drops like a stone, Wiccan Extras # 4 and #7 run to her aid and Marnia and Sucky exchange incongruous-to-the-action facial expressions. Probably comparing which one has the bigger head, because for real, they could be Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloons with those taters.

Jack-o-lanterns just in time for Halloween

More seizing from Marnia, who pukes up Antonia, and Lafayette has to catch up the sporadic viewers on how he’s a medium and can see the ghost of Antonia. Marnie and Antonia argue more about what a cooze Marnie is and then Lafayette and Jesus narrate the scene for our blind viewers and give a play by play of the gibberish binding spell like they’re Vin Scully and Tim McCarver.

Outside Moon Goddess with the vamps and Jason, and the writers decide to really highlight how far off the reservation they’ve wandered by making Jason Stackhouse the smart and sensible one. Everyone mutters “Fuckin’ Sucky” about 50 times and while Jason tut-tuts and clutches his pearls at the disrespect Eric and Bill are showing Sucky after all she’s done for them, Pam sums up the entire season (nay, entire four seasons) of True Blood thusly: “Holy shit, gentlemen. Do not tell me you’d put our entire species at risk for a gash in a sun dress.” Indeed, Pam. Even Jason’s impressed, and a little horny, after that. But probably because he’s Jason Stackhouse and she’s a hot blonde in tight black leather. Fish gotta swim.

Should I be offended or horny?  I always get those confused.

Jason shows them the protection spell around Moon Goddess and while the other vamps reconvene, Jason and Jess talk about their relationship and it’s no more interesting than when Sucky talks about all her relationships. Seriously, Stackhouses. People just want to see both of you naked. They don’t care about your feelings. Anyway, the writers realized this episode was only going to come in at about 25 minutes so they added a filler scene where the vampire sheriffs attack but it cuts away immediately because I think this scene was written by monkeys.

Meanwhile, Sam’s decided to play big man with a gun but even when he’s human and brandishing a weapon he’s as cute and threatening as the Border Collie he used to shift into, so Alcide has to intervene long enough for Luna to show up and exposit about how Marcus kidnapped Emma and Sam has to exposit for the occasional viewer who missed last week that Marcus was responsible for Tommy’s murder.

Over at Alcide’s, Debbie continues to show questionable judgment and taste when she tells Marcus she really likes him and his bad extensions. Marcus’ little Marcus takes control of his brain and tries to convince her that it’s twu wuv between them and when Emma asks to talk to her mommy he’s all “Go away kid, you bother me,” and she wanders off, not at all intending to call mommy on her cell phone so the caller ID can tell Luna, Alcide and Sam exactly where Marcus is.

Now go color while Daddy talks to his friend. And remember, don’t call Mommy.

Back at Moon Goddess, Jesus has finally recognized that Wiccan Extra #3 was really just a plot device all along and convinces Marnie that she’s only mostly dead and he heard her say that the meaning of life is to “blave” so he and Lafayette need to get her over to Miracle Max’s immediately but really, she’s totally dead and he needs her body for some brujo shit. Marnie, against every impulse she’s shown throughout the season, lets him do what he wants and gives him free reign of Moon Goddess. Because now it’s time to get her sob back story about how kids were mean to her growing up and threw tampons at her in the girls locker room but she’s not telekinetic so she couldn’t kill the town when she was in high school and she’s making up for lost time.

Yay, here’s Andy. Walking home, coming down from V and having a conversation with himself. Assuming different voices, one of which is Eudora Welty. Realizing this, he implores himself to get it together and not go “all lost in nature retarded.” But, too late, he’s seeing faerie lights and a faerie and gets zapped when he tells her he’s a cop. Faerie bitches are all, “F*** tha police.”

Where are their glowing fingers?

Oh look. Emma really did intend to call her mommy’s cell phone and move the plot along.

Circling back to Moon Goddess, again, and we get some more filler/exposition until Bill beckons Marnia to negotiate. She takes Sucky with her. Marnia and Bill squabble a bit then Bill kills the zombie lady vampire sheriff by throwing her into the protective shield. This would be intimidating if anyone else did it, but it was Bill so Marnia just explains how the field is sunlight and lethal to vampires for our viewers who were just listening to the scene while doing dishes. Then she deploys her best Eric Cantor negotiating skills and says she’ll let Sucky go if Eric (vampire, not Cantor) and Bill kill themselves.

Bill, deploying Obama’s best negotiating skills, says “Okey, dokey. I’ll kill Eric (vampire, not Cantor) and Pam will kill me, but if you reneg people will know you’re a lying liar who lies, Marnia, and you won’t have any friends.” Pam, seeing what a load this all is, grabs the flame thrower and blasts the hell out of the shield. Because she has her priorities straight.

This is what I think of crazy witches and gashes in sundresses

Back with the ancillary characters and their B-story, Sam, Luna and Alcide teleport over to Alcide’s house to find out that Marcus is “upstairs with that lady.” Sam, sensing some serious stuff is about to go down what with Alcide being angry and as big as a redwood, suggests Luna take Emma outside. Good plan, because I’m sure Alcide’s house is soundproof.

Because the plotting for this episode was done by a bunch of kindergartners high on Capri Sun we are back, again, at Moon Goddess for more exposition about how Jesus is going to brujo Antonia out of Marnie for our viewers with massive head trauma who forgot that he just explained this to us ten minutes ago.

Eric, still worshipping at Sucky’s golden faerie hoo ha that he loses all rational thought and forgets the concept of gratitude, actually yells at Pam instead of thanking her for saving his whipped ass while not getting Sucky and the rest killed. Bill remembers he’s a pussy and asks Jess if she’s okay and she’s like “Bitch, please,” then sees that Jason’s injured and nurses him back to health and prettiness because his face was messed up.

OH NOES!

The faerie, Mirella, realizing Andy’s just a junkie and not a vampire, shows that faeries don’t always have the best judgment or taste and mounts Andy because he’s “handsome and muscular.” He’s all “Well, I did cut back on carbs,” and she’s ready to do this, but since she’s not a total slut she makes him listen to her faerie nonsense and swear on her magic, glowing finger which she touches to his finger that starts glowing and then they’re ready to bone.

Filler fight scene between Sam and Marcus where they talk through the fight about how you’re a pussy, no you’re a pussy then Sam decides he’s going to guilt and self-righteous Marcus to death but it doesn’t work so Alcide just crushes his trachea instead. Debbie, understandably freaked, tries to calm him down but he spouts some ancient werebabble and leaves with Sam, who smartly remembers his gun because it’s not like there isn’t a ton of forensic evidence left behind.

Marnia Magic 8-Balls Wiccan Extra #3’s blood and sees a bullet hole in her forehead in the near future, so she rallies the band of idiots to cast a spell on the vamps and since they’re a band of idiots they don’t question her. Sucky holds out but she’s no match for Marnie’s bad teeth and accent and she joins the group. Of course, since this group isn’t the brightest pack of bulbs, no one questions where Jesus and Lafayette are which is good, because they’re still in the back room brujoing Wiccan Extra #3 and narrating the whole thing for our disinterested viewers.

Oh. Time for Plan B.

Back outside, Jess is happy that her blood made Jason all pretty again but their happiness is short-lived because Marnia’s chanting a spell that’s drawing the vampires to the protective shield that Pam shot to hell but somehow magically regenerated. Seeing this, Jason mind-begs Sucky for help so she zaps the Wiccan circle and the spell is broken. Eric, still unfamiliar with the words “Thank you,” continues to blame Pam for saving his ass while not getting Sucky killed and sends her away.

Marnia, not happy with this impudence, casts a spell that traps Sucky in a ring of fire and surveys how awesome her awesomeness is, still not questioning where the hell Lafayette and Jesus are, giving them enough time to brujo Antonia out of Marnie and break the spell, saving Sucky to annoy another day.

They also break the protection spell and THIS TIME Eric and Bill realize they can enter Moon Goddess. As they’re about to open fire Sucky steps in and says everyone’s innocent except that crazy bitch Marnie and Bill’s like “Works for me. Everyone who isn’t Marnie is free to go,” but Roy’s an imbecile and steps in front of her to protect her. Eric, tired of this, zooms over and rips Roy’s heart out of his chest then drinks from Roy’s aorta like it’s a juice box. Marnie’s terrified, Sucky’s repulsed and Bill is both impressed and aroused at Eric’s bad-assery. Marnie, not recognizing a losing proposition when it’s staring her in the face, starts to sass Bill on the one day when he knows where his balls are and he shoots her dead.

G2’s new Power Berry Red flavor

Because the writers don’t know how to end a story, they take us back to B-story house so Emma can ask where her daddy is and Luna and Sam can share deeply meaningful glances.

Andy finally gets home and Arlene decides to give him some flak about how long he took. Andy’s both mellow and guilty after getting laid proper by a faerie and tries to explain it to Arlene. Arlene, no stranger to Bellefleur bugnuttery, indulges him then tells him it’s not real. He’s just a crazy V addict but there are people who love him and that’s real. He pretends to believe her but when she leaves he looks at his finger and says “Mirella.” At least he didn’t sniff it.

Sniff…sniff…

One final trip back to Moon Goddess where Bill, Eric and Sucky exchange sad, conflicted, constipated glances to mandolins while Jason and Jess take their turn at exposition and explain their relationship to people who were working in China this whole season but this even bores them and we move on…

To Lafayette’s house where he shares some comforting pillow talk/exposition with Jesus explaining everything that just happened and how Jesus really is a good guy, even if he kind of brought about Marnie’s death, because that bitch was crazy. Jesus immediately proves what a prince he really is by not asking why the hell Lafayette’s hair is pulled back in a bunny tail and as Jesus drifts off to sleep Lafayette looks to the ceiling to see Marnie’s ghost jump into his body. How can we miss her if she won’t go away?

So, were all of Marnie’s spells broken once Antonia was gone?  Because if not, Pam’s pretty ripe by now what with her internal organs liquefying and putrefying and while you can blame a lot of the smell on deep Southern heat, humidity and rotting vegetation, at some point people are going to realize it’s Pam.

Previously, Marnie got killed good and then turned into a Palmetto bug so she could crawl up into Lafayette’s mouth. Because Palmetto bugs are nasty.

And they fly, too

After the previous night’s mayhem, the season finale dawns with a beautiful, humid morning in Bon Temps ready to tie up loose ends before it sets season five in motion. LaMarnie and Jesus are having breakfast on the porch. Jesus, clearly rendered blind the night before, jabbers on and on apologizing for getting LaMarnie mixed up in all this magic stuff because he just wasn’t ready to be possessed by Tio Luca and handling snakes then kidnapping little Mikey so a crazy, singing lady from the 30s could get some peace and never seems to notice that LaMarnie is sitting there literally clutching his robe to his chest like some bodice-ripping heroine and blinking like he’s Cindy Lou Who. Forging ahead and ignoring the warning signs, Jesus guilts LaMarnie into eating overly seasoned fried eggs and grits, because greasy, gummy, spicy food is exactly what you want to eat on a hot, humid day in the swamp. When LaMarnie patronizingly pokes at one of the eggs, Jesus kisses him on the forehead like a good little boy and FINALLY starts picking up Marnie’s bad juju. LaMarnie tut-tuts Jesus then stabs his hand clear through to the table with a fork. DAYUM, BITCH.

Sucky’s up and pouring herself a cup of coffee when she drops a spoon on the floor so she can see the plot-contrived, bloody, dead image of Gran who, though dead lo these many months and only an apparition, still manages to be horrified at Sucky’s twee pajama pants and anklets, realizing that her barreling-down-on-30 granddaughter still shops in the girls section at Target.

Exposition scene where Tara comes downstairs, sleepy but not angry for a change, and talks about all the things they’ve been thr…Sucky doesn’t give a shit because it’s not solely about her and changes the subject to whether or not Tara thinks Gran’s in heaven. Because Sucky’s six years old and doesn’t realize she lives on a hellmouth. Tara indulges her, because that’s what you do with a simpleton, and they share a moment while the gentle guitars of touching pabulum play in the background. It’s all very warm and cuddly until a giant expository anvil lands square on Tara’s head as she talks about hers and Sucky’s future.

Watch out for that falling anvil, Tara

Over at the Bon Temps cemetery, Sam’s standing over Tommy’s fresh grave when Maxine lumbers up. They bond in the only way Maxine knows how, by simultaneously mourning and trash-talking what a lying, thieving little runt Tommy was, even though she loved him like a son. Sam, because he’s the cutest little doormat in Renard Parish, indulges Maxine who confuses his innate decency with affection. She promises to bring him a pork rind casserole and tells him to call her Mama because they’re the only family each other’s got, even though her giant angry baby son is alive and (literally) kicking. To his credit, Sam manages not to vomit all over her before running away screaming (You’ll be sorry, Sam) and Maxine waddles off, content that she’s roped in another younger man to smother and dominate. Sam lingers at Tommy’s grave long enough to sniff out Luna and Emma in their matching mourning outfits so they can all share meaningful glances and hugs.

Time to see what Jason’s up to. And it’s, per usual, unintentional no good that will get his ass kicked five ways to Sunday. This time, he’s decided to “do the right thing” and visit Hoyt while he’s working with a chain saw and tell Hoyt about him and Jessica. First, though, Jason attempts small talk (he calls the day “moist”) and bonding and then, after sufficiently burying the lead just blurts out that he and Jessica boned. It goes over just as well as you think, with Hoyt swinging wildly and demanding to know “how” but since Jason only has a rudimentary understanding of English he catalogues all the ways he and Jessica had sex which leads to another effective punch from Hoyt and a good, swift kick to the ribs. But the worst injury is when Hoyt tells Jason he’ll never know real love because something’s missing inside him. When did Hoyt become such a dick?

Why do they always go for the face?

Back at LaMarnie’s and Jesus is tied up and looking the worse for wear. But being the brave little toaster that he is, he begs Lafayette to fight against Marnie. Jesus is being strong and kind and LaMarnie’s angry and irrational because somehow Lafayette fights back long enough to call Marnie a crazy bitch which sends her careening back, threatening to cut out Lafayette’s eyeball and feed it to him. Wow. That was graphic. Jesus, not wanting to watch that, promises to give LaMarnie whatever she wants and she wants his magic. And by magic she means magic, not his wang.

Sucky manages to find some grown up clothes, probably Tara’s, and heads over to Merlotte’s. Because she’s a self-absorbed nitwit, she had no clue it was Halloween, even though she lives at a vortex of supernatural mumbo jumbo and you’d think Halloween would come with a weather advisory in Bon Temps, but she’s still surprised when she sees Arlene dressed up like a zombie. Arlene informs Sucky that zombies are the new vampires but since it’s not about Sucky she just smiles and asks where Sam is. Arlene twitches and Sucky mind-reads about Tommy which begs the question, why was Sucky there in the first place if she didn’t already know about Tommy, since Sam fired her?

Regardless, Halloween clearly brings out the best in Sucky because she manages to go a whole 15 seconds without making it all about her and expresses her condolences to Sam. Then they have a plot-driven conversation about whether or not he fired her before he realizes it was Tommy and she needs her job back before next season so he rehires her and makes her wear bunny ears while he puts on a captain’s hat and while it’s ostensibly for Halloween, we cut away before she mind-reads his sexual harassment.

Do these make my tater look smaller?

Back to the intense, sad scene between LaMarnie and Jesus. LaMarnie exposits about the sanctity of Samhain and how the vampires desecrated it and turned it into Halloween and Jesus looks so beautiful and doleful as she speaks then he sympathizes with her and Kevin Alejandro was so moving during this whole scene I might have gotten a little misty-eyed. Then Jesus begs LaMarnie to give up on her revenge and let Lafayette live but she’s crossed the Rubicon by this point. Jesus gets more frightened and desperate and when LaMarnie starts cutting into Lafayette’s chest with her big knife Jesus starts chanting and it gets so tense and awful until Jesus brings forth his demon to save Lafayette. LaMarnie sees this and stabs Jesus in the heart and licks the blood from the knife, assuming his demon. Before he dies, and seeing his demon on LaMarnie, Jesus apologizes to Lafayette.

Filler scene with Arlene, her future derelict children, one who dresses like a Teen Mom, Sam and Emma where Emma showing that she has a similarly deep grasp of English to Jason’s informs Arlene that she’s either a shifter like her mom or a werewolf like her dad. Although these are relatively new monsters to Arlene, she doesn’t even bat an eye because she’s been living with the Bellefleurs for the last year and as she walks away and past Terry, we hear a manly man voice call out “Priiiiivate Bellefleur.” Terry looks up, expecting R. Lee Ermey but sees Noel from Felicity looking HELLA better than Ben Affleck’s looked in years. (Eat it, Jennifer Garner.) They exchange the following pleasantries:

Terry: “I heard you were dead.”

Noel: “I heard you were crazy.”

Terry: “Well, yeah, that’s still true.”

I’m better than Affleck, right?

Then Terry introduces Noel to Arlene, never to be heard from again until next season when he comes back as a zombie. Because you don’t introduce a supe, or a guest star who earns more than scale + ten in a filler scene in the season finale unless you plan on using him next season so that he earns his salary.

Sucky, sensing a man nearby who has not professed his love for her, sidles on up to Alcide at the bar, beer in hand to lube up the proclamations of love because she’ll take them whenever and wherever she can. She sets up the scene by being all solicitous about Debbie, knowing full well that she’s the lead and Debbie never even made series regular and since Joe Manganiello likes his steady income he brings up how last season Sucky said if she were smart she’d fall in love with someone like him, and with her ego validated she starts begging off because, again, she’s an imbecile, I mean look at him, and with heaving bosom, furtive glances and a convenient phone call we get to move along.

Seriously, look at him

Later that evening Tara heads over to Lafayette’s to check in on him and Jesus to discover the front door open but no one seeming to be home. Since Bon Temps clearly has never had a movie theater or TV for Tara to watch any horror movie made in the last 50 years, she doesn’t recognize the universal sign for bad shit and enters the house to find Jesus dead.

Sucky, still unfamiliar with the traditions of Halloween, is lighting the jack-o-lanterns outside of Merlotte’s and wondering if she could put a candle in her giant tater, too, when she’s startled by Holly’s fairy costume. Unless she’s startled by Holly’s unfortunate season three make up job. It could go either way. Holly gets high and exposits about Samhain and how it’s the day that “the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest” so we can finally end this season. Some more filler ensues until Tara shows up to tell Sucky about how Marnie killed Jesus and Sucky can break her own record as Merlotte’s worst waitress by leaving mid-shift on her first day back.

Tara, Sucky and Holly take off for…somewhere…and are setting up the next scene by informing us that Sucky can’t get in touch with Eric or Bill and that Holly travels with a “Wiccan first aid kit” that consists of salt, sage and a huge ponytail of her Aunt Josie’s hair all tied up in a bow. But Holly’s never really done much with her piddly powers except light candles to keep her sons out of trouble so the jury’s out on whether or not their plan (drive around Bon Temps looking for Marnie?) will work.

I know I feel safer with them on the case

Oh they were heading to Bill’s where they’re shooting gay vampire porn. Oh no, wait, it’s just LaMarnie who’s killed Bill’s entire security detail and lined them up so the steadicam operator could get a good tracking shot and has Eric and Bill shirtless and silvered to a wood pile for their funeral pyre. Despite their desperate straits, they still bitch at each other until Sucky, Tara and Holly arrive.

LaMarnie was just off camera and makes his grand entrance, resplendent in a bejeweled, blue caftan and that unfortunate bunny tail hair. Holly starts strolling around the pyre with her giant salt container trying to be inconspicuous in her fairy wings and silver boots, but LaMarnie ignores this, choosing instead to speechify like he’s a villain from Austin Powers but instead of sharks with laser beams he just magics the pyre on fire. Meanwhile, Holly’s still strolling along with her salt.

Sucky loses it and magic fingers LaMarnie but all this does is wake up Jesus’ demon and causes Tara to lose her shit. But no fear, Holly’s managed to finish the salt field with Demon LaMarnie on the outside so the band of idiots start chanting for their dearly departed to rise up out of the cemetery. Eric and Bill are still roasting while the cemetery is staging a special anniversary re-enactment of Thriller and Sucky shows that she really hasn’t learned much over the last four seasons and screams for Bill and Eric not to die, even though by this point she’s seen Bill nice and crispy and not die. Fire and sunlight aren’t the same thing, Sucky.

Antonia shows herself to Demon LaMarnie and is all Wiccan chanty calling Demon LaMarnie her sister. This causes Demon LaMarnie to drop Jesus’ demon and Antonia uses this moment to put out the funeral pyre which miffs LaMarnie but Antonia chants some more about how all creatures have a purpose, but LaMarnie’s still not having it so Gran hunkers on over and just yanks Marnie out of Lafayette’s throat.

DAYUM, GRAN!

Marnie snivels some more and whines about “What about meeeeeeeeeeeee and what I want?” Antonia, ready for this to be over, gives her some BS about how life is pain and death is peace and there is no victory in being nearly immortal like vampires. Marnie kind of buys it and start screaming in what I believe is supposed to be a primal way but just sounds like someone who’s trying to push out a stubborn turd. Gran Gran’s some bogus Southern Elder hokum and with that, Marnie’s subdued and off to the cemetery with Antonia and the other dead.

Sucky, never missing a moment to make everything about herself begs her Gran to stay but Gran’s like “Bitch, sac up and grow up. I’m dead, you’re pushing 30 and I can’t keep telling you what to do,” but in that Gran way. Sucky ugly-cries as Gran walks off and Tara tries to wake Lafayette up. None of this means dick all to Eric who has to point out to the woman who proclaimed her love for both him and Bill that the vampires she claims to love are both crispy and silvered to a pole because Sucky has the attention span of my cat who can’t even be assed to chase after a laser pointer.

Mmmm, barbecue

And now, with this season’s stories well and truly done comes, my favorite part of every True Blood season: when they set up the storylines for next season.

With almost every Merlotte’s employee AWOL, Arlene bitchily takes out the trash just in time to see the ghost of René return to Bon Temps after Terriers ate it. But he’s not here to harm her. He loves her and Mikey. He’s here to warn her about Terry who’s going to be haunted by all the ghosts of his past. Because Arlene’s kind of dense and may not have gotten that from Noel’s visit. His job freaking her the hell out done, René disappears in time for Terry to come out and comfort Arlene, but he ends up spooking her even more.

Out in the woods, Little Red Riding Slut, aka Jessica in her best Victoria’s Secret lingerie, comes a knocking at Jason’s door. He’s super cranky after getting a beat down and a ton of trick or treaters, and answers the door with a Popsicle pressed to his eye and a threat to the trick or treaters. Seeing Jessica instead, Jason does what you’d expect him to do and first ask her if it’s a dream then threaten to beat down Hoyt if he pops out from under Jessica’s cape. Jessica, showing she’s Jason’s intellectual equal only realizes then that Jason told Hoyt because his busted eye and piss poor attitude wasn’t obvious enough.

Since there hasn’t been a sex scene on True Blood since the last Jessica and Jason scene, we just jump right into their overly art-directed boning on Jason’s couch, surrounded by the red satin of her cape. Proving that she really will be a virgin for all eternity, Jessica chooses to inform Jason, en flagrante delicto, that she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend. Jason whines that he wished she’d told him that before he took that ass-kicking and when she protests that she didn’t ask him to, he says he did it because it was the right thing to do. Jessica, still not reading the room right, asks since when does Jason Stackhouse care about the right thing, and he immediately loses his wood to pout about how she doesn’t know him. Rather than call him a pussy, she gets all smurfy on him and says she doesn’t want to hurt him like she did Hoyt and then he calls her dangerous, she agrees and his boner’s back because he is Jason Stackhouse and birds gotta fly.

I thought they cancelled Red Shoes Diaries

Over at Fangtasia and Pam’s reaching her wit’s end over where Eric is while Ginger, who never had any wits to begin with, tells Pam that even Sucky’s called looking for Eric. This sends Pam around the bend and proves why she’s my favorite when she says “I’M SO OVER SUCKY AND HER PRECIOUS FAERIE VAGINA.” You and me both, Pam. Ginger tries to console Pam and, showing just how clearly distraught she is, Pam lets her.

At Sucky’s, Tara’s tucking Lafayette in as he beats himself up over Jesus’ death. Tara tells him it’s not his fault and they’ll get through this together and if he needs anything she’s there for him and this really was a touching scene, even though that anvil dropped on Tara’s head.

Ugh. Sensitive guitars play as Sucky makes sex faces while Bill and Eric feed on her so the makeup department doesn’t have to make them look crispy, even though Eric’s a thousand years old and heals quickly all by himself and between the gasping and the slurping I almost don’t even notice that Eric and Bill are wearing the same robe. Why? Why does Bill have two of the exact same robes, one in his tinier, shorter size and one in Viking size? Does he have a whole closet of those robes, like his house is a hotel? Is Eric in the habit of sleeping over at Bill’s? Why is the mystery of the robes more interesting than listening to Sucky talk about her 183 suitors? Because she sucks, that’s why.

Didn’t Sucky wonder why Eric has a robe at Bill’s?

To shut her up, and hoping to gain an advantage, Bill “graciously” steps aside with an “if Eric makes you happy.” Eric not nearly as stupid or weaselly as Bill jumps at the opportunity. But since neither satisfies Sucky’s need to hear how she’s a pretty, pretty princess she goes back to Bill to milk a proclamation of undying love from him. He obliges immediately because he’s Bill and a loser, so she turns her attentions back to Eric and admits that she always kind of wanted to bang the vicious Viking vampire Eric, but backs off and pretends it’s really only because she saw “the good in him and it broke her heart.” Now that they’re both good and whipped, Sucky tells them that she’s leaving both of them and walks out so she can cry ugly in private because now she only has Alcide to whip and boss around.

Lafayette, still reeling from guilt and sobbing inconsolably, is visited by Jesus’ ghost who’s come back to offer Lafayette forgiveness and peace of mind. Lafayette’s not in the mood for any of that but begs Jesus to stay who reminds Lafayette that he’s a medium and Jesus is dead so he’ll always be there. Then he leaves. It was both lovely and creepy all at once.

Speaking of lovely and creepy all at once, here comes Andy with some flowers for Holly. He apologizes for bailing on her the last time and when she starts to let him off the hook and says he was nervous he admits he was high because he was a V addict. When she balks at his flowers and apology he agrees but offers her that he’s “sober, lonely and can be good to someone if they let [him].” It was sweet and Andy’s big Precious Moments eyes soften Holly’s heart a little (true confession: I think Chris Bauer really is kind of cute) and she asks him for a hug. Awwww. I still miss angry drunk Andy running around with a cast screaming “PIIIIIIIIG,” though.

Awwww

Time to tie one last ancillary loose end with Sam and Luna who proves that although she is undeniably the better parent, not tough considering her competition was Marcus, she’s no great shakes as she makes out with Sam while Emma sleeps in the car ten feet away. Then she considers Sam’s classy offer to spend the night in his trailer, but declines. Sam’s so used to blue balls that he’s totally fine with waiting, but when he tries to tell Luna that she and Emma are the best things that have ever happened to him, Luna stops him so as not to jinx it. Sam, having seen and done some crazy, messed up things, tells Luna he knows life sucks for the most part so when something good happens he wants to celebrate. Then they make out some more before she drives off with Emma…just in time for a werewolf to show up at Sam’s door. Poor shifter can’t catch a break.

Post coital conversation at Jason’s house, and it’s not Jessica wanting to talk. She’s sliding on her stockings while Jason mopes next to her naked, save for a strategically placed Miller Light pillow. (Nice product placement.) He is a Stackhouse and she hasn’t complimented him so he fishes around asking if there was anything else she would have liked. She tells him he was great, and wonderful, but really her only comparison is Hoyt who was a virgin when they first hooked up. Still, Jason will take a compliment wherever he hears it and brightens up briefly before asking if there’s something wrong with him. Jess, really taking to this “good boyfriend” role Jason’s put her in, tells him he’s really pretty, and really smart, and really sexy and his ass really doesn’t look fat in those jeans but she needs some time because she just got out of a serious relationship and she hopes that these booty calls are enough for him. Satisfied with that semi-compliment Jason tells Jess that she’s the best woman he’s ever been with and unlike Jess he’s a slut so that’s saying something. Showing she’s his intellectual equal, again, she takes that as a compliment, gets a fang boner then zooms out. Kids.

Mere seconds later there’s a knock on his door and I guess it’s late enough now so Jason doesn’t even think it’s trick or treaters. Assuming it’s Jess he answers the door buck naked only to see Steve Newlin still wearing his stupid pastel sweaters tied around his neck but somehow different. Then Rev. Newlin checks out Jason, springs his own fang boner, and Jason realizes that Rev. Newlin is a vampire. And maybe gay.

You’d be so much scarier without the lavender sweater

With all those non-Sucky dating characters out of the way, it’s time to set up next season’s stories for all Sucky’s men. First up, Alcide. He’s taking a midnight stroll with one of his construction company’s foremen who may or may not be Paul Giammatti (it was dark) through what appears to be a finished parking structure to discuss this giant hole that popped up. When the foreman says something about his memory feeling like someone pressed the delete button, Alcide gets all suspicious thinking the foreman was glamoured. The foreman, knowing he’s just a day player, anyway, asks why would a fanger care about a parking garage but Alcide doesn’t care because the foreman’s just a day player and he’s found some silver chains around the hole. It’s a vampire prison break, y’all. I hope Wentworth Miller shows up.

Nan struts up to Bill’s house with her gay storm troopers in tow. Bill and Eric greet her and Nan’s so hellbent for speed she doesn’t even notice the big, giant ACME trap they’ve set for her when Eric points to it by complimenting Bill. She’s under a time constraint so she just cuts to the chase and exposits how she knows that Sucky’s a faerie and that thousands of vampires will be descending upon Bon Temps to get a taste of her blood. Eric and Bill pretend they don’t care, but they’re all “Nuh, uh…we don’t care about Sucky. She’s a girl and she smells” about it. So Nan calls them lovesick puppy dogs. This leads Eric to decapitate the storm troopers while Bill stakes Nan. Then Eric calls the Nan pile of goo a bitch while Bill licks his wounds and says he’s “not a puppy dog.” Of course not, Bill. I thought we already established that you’re a pussy?

Into the homestretch and Sucky comes home, looking for Tara but finding Debbie, cracked out on V and carrying a shotgun waiting to shoot Sucky. Since no one just shoots anymore, she talks long enough for Tara to come into the scene, see the gun and push Sucky out of the way, taking the bullet in the back of her head, spinning her around spraying blood around the kitchen. Wow. Did not see that coming.

I know she was annoying but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sucky and Debbie are momentarily stunned, giving Sucky the opening she needs to jump Debbie and wrestle the gun from her and shoving the barrel under Debbie’s chin. Sucky, being Sucky, hesitates briefly but as Debbie starts to beg for her life Sucky pulls the trigger killing Debbie. DAYUM SUCKY.

We fade out on Sucky sobbing and cradling Tara’s head and begging anyone for help.

And that’s it for season four. Thanks for reading. Any ideas on where they might be going next season? It looks like they’ll be bringing everyone back to Merlotte’s, just like the first season, and maybe they won’t focus on one big bad in favor of a big supernatural war, but those are just my guesses. Share your own in the comments.