True Blood: Fangs For Nothing

Welcome back, Gasmii! I wish that we had lots more episodes of True Blood to make fun of, but alas, we’ve come to the end of the road! Last night’s season finale was every bit the incredible “game-changer” it was touted to be.

Eric and Closet King are handcuffed together, getting one helluva nasty sunburn when Godric appears to Eric and tells him to end the hate and open his heart to forgiveness.

Penn Badgley, is that you and your Chiclet teeth? Oh, nevermind, It’s Godric.

Sookeh’s having a lovely fairy dream about a glowing mothership chandelier when Beel revives her with his blood and she slaps him clean across the face for betraying her. Sook then defies Beel and runs outside, bitchslaps Closet King with some fairy light rays, and drags Eric back inside to safety and lets him feed on her healing blood.

I told you to use an SPF greater than 15, Eric! There goes your dreamy complexion!

Tara’s watching Nan Flanagan and Reverend Steve Newlin go at it AGAIN on TBBN while Sam whips up a batch of post-coital pancakes for her in his loose Hanes boxers. Sam’s trying to explain why he barks in his sleep and Tara’s like, “Bitch, you better not be a vampire or a werewold cuz my life is a lil too Twilight right now!” Sam’s like, “Chillax, ho. I’m just a shapeshifter.” Wait, she doesn’t know this already?! Tara flips her lid and delivers some weepy soliloquy about wanting to reboot, run away, and start fresh.

Hold up, cracker! You’re a WHAT?!

Eric gets a lil greedy with Sookeh’s wrist, and Beel forcibly cuts him off. Eric then asks Sook to go out and rescue Closet King, per Godric’s request. Eric and Beel have a fang-off, and Sookeh runs outside and drags CK’s charred ass back inside Fangtasia where Eric punches one of his fangs out.

Closet King … Cajun-style.

Jason discovers that the DEA is in town and ready to close in on Hot Shot. Jason tries to convince Andy not to move in, but just gets confused by Andy’s big old words. Andy warns Jason not to interfere with the raid or he can kiss becoming a cop goodbye. Well, I’m guessing Jason’s gonna have a new job come next season!

Hoyt shows up at work and is ambushed by Summer, his mom, and his high school guidance counselor into a HIGH-larious intervention to get him to stop dating Jessica. Hoyt does not succumb to their tears or idle threats, and flat out ignores their pleas.

These two need a spin-off!

Sam opens up Merlotte’s for Lafayette, who suddenly has a vision of Sam with blood on his hands, growling, “If you cross me, I’ll kill you!” Lala is obviously freaked out.

With Eric and Beel away, Sookeh offers to babysit Closet King, who tries to make her a proposition: he’s willing to promise her safety, pay her $5 million, give her his Mississippi mansion, AND kill Beel and Eric for her … if she’ll just release him. Sook is tempted, but refuses. She then sprays him in the face with liquid silver for such insolence like he’s a petulant dog. Then, adding insult to injury, Sookeh decides to torture Russell by pouring Talbot’s remains down the garbage disposal and flipping the switch.

Someone’s got a nasty streak in her!

Jason and Crystal show up at Hot Shot, determined to help her slack-jawed yokel brethren. They convince her white trash daddy to get rid of all the V before the DEA shows up, but Filton shows up, high on the V himself, and blows Crystal’s daddy away in the face!

Sam apologizes to Terry, who’s a big ole blubbering mess. Sam then discovers that Tommy has vacated his trailer, and left the place a hot mess.

Andy wants to accompany the DEA to Hot Shot, but his crippled arm makes him a liability, so the Fed in charge asks him to go buy him a pack of Lucky cigarettes instead. LOL.

Filton agrees to leave town with the V, but not without Crystal. Jason refuses, but Crystal agrees to let herself be kidnapped. She asks Jason to step up and be a hero and look after the toothless, inbred freaks of Hot Shot while she’s gone, and Jason suddenly feels he has a purpose in life now. Seriously?! This storyline had potential, but now it just BLOWS.

Just leave already, Crystal. I’m so over you.

Tara comes home to find her mom having an affair with Reverend Daniels! he tries the old, “I spilled lemonade on my pants and she was cleaning it up!” rouse. Yeah, right, dude. With her tongue! Tara is furious and passes so much judgement, but when her mom says she is trying to change and become a happy person, Tara bites her tongue and lets her mom cling desperately to that threadbare dream that he going to leave his wife and kids for HER trailer trash ass. She hugs her goodbye, and peaces out.

This’ll just be our little secret!

Sam storms into his office at Merlotte’s and RAGES when he discovers that Tommy has made off with all of the cash in his safe. Meanwhile, Lala has another hallucination: this time he sees Rene (I love how they keep bringing this guy back!) choking Arlene and saying how he is inside of her, while Arlene says they are all in hell. Lala freaks out and calls Jesus for help, while Sam grabs a gun and heads out.

I’m baaaaack!

Alcide makes a miraculous return (I’m told he’ll be more of a regular next season) and tells Sookeh that Eric will absolve all his family debt if he helps them this one last time. There is clearly some sexual tension between Alcide and Sookeh, and Closet King practically vomits in his charred mouth watching them moon over each other. Eric and Beel return, and Beel is not pleased to see Alcide. He and Alcide shoot daggers at each other, and Eric asks them to help him with Closet King once they’ve stopped eye-fucking each other. LOL

Looks like Alcide wants a piece of Sookeh’s light, too.

Sheriff Andy contemplates sampling some V to help his arm heal, when the DEA drags Jason back in handcuffs. Andy is pissed at Jason for screwing up the case AND for blabbing to Tara about Eggs, but Jason knows he did the right thing.

Jesus arrives at Merlotte’s, and Lala freaks out, thinking he’s going schitzo just like his mom. But Jesus convinces him that the V simply opened both of them up to their magical ancestry, and that he himself is in fact a “brujo.”

No, not “bro-ho!” I said “brujo!” I’m a like a dude-witch.

Meanwhile, Tara picks up a bloody pair of scissors, and looks at them like she’s contemplating suicide. DO IT!! But instead, she decides to chop off her janky braids and have a good cry. Sookeh loves her new, short ‘do (best friends have to say that) and they sit down and have a lil gab sesh over some sweet tea.

A change WON’T do you good, girl.

Alcide drives everyone over to a construction site where Beel and Eric wrap Closet King in silver chains and dunk him in a vat of concrete. Godric appears and is disappointed with Eric’s lack of forgiveness … and with Stephen Moyer’s terrible acting. Then, in a SHOCKING twist, Bill slaps a silver handcuff on Eric, tosses him into another pit, and pours concrete all over him! Then he calls a hitman and orders an execution on Pam! Holy shizballs! What is going ON!?

This is NOT the oatmeal mud bath I read about in the brochure!

Hoyt ignores everything his mama said and takes a blindfolded Jessica to see the new house he bought – for HER! Not only does he want to live with her, he wants to MARRY her! OMG! So cute! Jessica is just as touched as I am, and tells Hoyt she loves him. This if course, means things are NOT going to end well for these two! Naturally, in the next scene, Hoyt’s mom is off buying herself a shiny new rifle!

Home sweet home?

Not if mama can help it!

Beel shows up at Sookeh’s house to tell her that he did whatever was necessary to protect her and the truth about her fairy blood; namely, he killed Closet King, Eric, Pam, and soon Queen Sophie Anne! WHOA! Some people will do anything for love! Just then, the front door blows open, and Eric shows up, still dripping with cement, (Pam killed her assassin and saved Eric) and fills Sookeh in on the truth: that Beel was originally sent to Bon Temps by the Queen on a mission to retrieve Sookeh, and that he let her get beat within an inch of her life the night they met so that he could feed her his blood. Hurt and betrayed, Sookeh banishes Beel from her house … and her life. Dejected, Beel leaves, and Sook calls Eric some foul names and sends him packing, too.

Covered in cement, he still looks hawt as hell!

Tara pulls up in front of Merlotte’s, smiles, and then keeps on driving off into the sunset. YES! Finally! Good riddance! I hope she never comes back!

Sam catches up with Tommy out in the woods (my, that was convenient!) and chases him down with his gun. They exchange colorful words, and Tommy admits he’s not only a runt, but he’s illiterate. Tommy doesn’t think Sam has the guts to kill, and starts to leave. But I guess he didn’t see the flashback scene the other week where Sam did in fact kill someone he loved for his precious money, and Sam (seemingly) pulls the trigger and kills Tommy.

Ready, aim … you’re fired!

Queen Sophie Anne shows up at Beel’s, hungry to feed on Sookeh. Beel tells her that he brought her there under false pretenses so that he could challenge the Queen to a duel to the death!

Trying.

Not.

To laugh.

Sookeh’s a hot mess of tears, and she runs to the Bon Temps cemetery to talk to Gram’s gravestone. She’s never felt more alone, and then right on cue, her fairy friends show up and whisk her away to another dimension. LOL.

Have a nice trip! See you next season!

Okay, so it was a game-changer, but a little hokey and cheesy at times. Still, the stage has been set for a very exciting season four, and I can’t wait to see where they go from here. What did you think? Did you like it?