True Blood: Life Support

Okay, so there wasn’t as much sex going on in last night’s episode of True Blood as there was last week. Aye yi yie! To be honest, there actually wasn’t a drop of sex to be had. But, that’s okay! I really enjoyed it. Beel and Sookeh kinda took a backseat this week (despite that shameless, mouth-watering teaser where Beel tells Sookeh he knows what she really is … which never even paid off this week! Grr! Damn you HBO!) and let some of the supporting characters step up the plate and shine.

Eric runs into Fangtasia, with Talbot’s blood still splattered all over him. Pam’s like, “Aww, hell! I just cleaned the Magister up off the basement floors and you’re tracking bloody footprints through the office!” They need a safe place to hide out, but Eric freaks out when Pam suggests Sookeh’s house, so they turn to Ginger, who looks like a poor man’s Sookeh in a blonde bob. Unfortch, Pam barely has enough time to slip into a pink sweat suit and matching pink Uggs before Nan Flanagan and the V Feds descend on Fangtasia and silver Eric into submission, with Ginger screaming her lungs out like she’s, well, Sookeh!

I’d be pissed too if I woke up every day looking like the walking dead.

Closet King flies into his Mississippi mansion and is tres heartbroken to find Talbot has been reduced to a simmering pile of red goo on the floor of the study. CK drops to his knees and starts romping around in said goo, crying out in anguish. He then sees the missing Norse crown from the cabinet, and knows instantly who is behind the attack on his lover.

Nice job with the lipstick! Dude looks like a lady.

Beel and Sookeh are in the shower after their crazy sex romp, and he massages his blood into her wounds to make them heal. GAG! Sookeh comes downstairs to find a dead and very naked werewolf on the floor. I love how she kicks him to make sure he’s dead, but then acts modest when his wang falls out. She grumbles about having to help Beel dispose of the body, but hey! Atleast they’re doing things as a couple now, right? Always gotta look on the bright side, Sook! She then asks Beel why he had that file on her, and he claims to be trying to figure out why Eric is so interested in her, and what exactly she really is.

Talk about a BARE skin rug!

Jesus comes sashaying out of Lafayette’s closet in a very loud silk robe. Lala takes note of his “ink” which happens to be a very large and ornate jaguar on his chest. He has an interesting story about how the ancient Mayans used to worship the powerful jaguar, but then he says that was just his high school mascot. Hmm. I don’t know what to believe here. Are the writers trying to mess with us? What exactly is Jesus’ backstory?

Jesus puts the “ink” in kinky.

Dumb-dumb Jason comes home to find Crystal being terrorized YET AGAIN by her abusive fiance. But suddenly the tables are turned, and Crystal is claiming that Jason kidnapped and raped her! There’s a struggle, and Jason gets his ass kicked. Luckily, Crystal comes to his rescue and beats her fiance unconscious with the butt of the rifle. Jason’s like, “Let’s not throw the R word around too loosely, okay? Thanks.” He wants to cuff the douche, but Crystal insists he can get out of cuffs. When Jason asks if he’s a magician, Crystal insists he bring her rope to tie him up. Sorry, Jason, but this ain’t no five year-old’s birthday party!

Nan finds it suspicious that Eric’s basement is spotlessly clean, and she has her V Feds set up web cams so her cronies can watch her interrogate Eric online.

Tara is sobbing her head off at Sam’s house, and refusing his suggestion to go see a shrink. Seriously, why is she being such a basket case? I was never fond of the snarky, potty-mouth Tara before, but atleast she was strong and spoke her mind. Who is this sniveling wet rag? Sam’s phone rings and it’s Arlene and Terry bitching about how Tommy and his “lady friend” are making “sexcessive” sounds next door.

Eric tells Nan and the web cam dudes his suspicions about the Closet King and his long history of traveling with shape-shifting dogs and inserting himself into the affairs of humans. Nan doesn’t see why he would be doing anything of the sort now, and Eric warns that Closet King has a total disregard for vamp authority, and an even greater hatred of humans, who he wishes to crush into submission. Eric then makes treasonous accusations about how Closet King killed the Magister and kidnapped Not The Dita. Eric then opens up and confesses that Closet King was responsible for the murder of his entire family, and he’s hungry for revenge. Nan thinks Eric’s story is BS, especially since Closet King just donated a butt-load of cash to the VRA. She orders Sheriff Northman and Pam into coffin lockdown until the authority makes their ruling.

I’m sorry, but Pam’s cute, little pink jumpsuit and matching Uggs are VERY distracting. Who knew she used to be a Real Housewife of Orange County?!

Sam goes over to Tommy’s and finds the little runt buck naked in the middle of some sexy time fun with a cougar twice his age (and twice his height.) Sam asks him to put a ball gag in her mouth in order to keep it down for the neighbors’ sake, and Tommy gets super salty. “Are you telling me this as my landlord or my father?” Sam seems horrified by Tommy’s ‘tude, and leaves, and the dumb cougar asks, “That’s your dad?!” LOL

Welcome to Tommy Merlotte’s nudist colony. No shirt, no shoes, no problem!

Jason and Crystal tie an unconscious Meth Face up to a tree, and then Jason calls the cops, affecting a woman’s voice to disguise his own. Pure comedy! Sadly, Crystal is the brains behind the entire operation.

The next morning, Jesus is grousing that Lafayette kept him up all night with their passionate love making. Ruby Jean sashays out, and remarks that Lala looks better without his customary mask of makeup on. Mama’s no dummy, and she figures out that Jesus is the one who put the glow in Lala’s face, that extra bounce in his step, that extra squirt of cream in his coffee. “I’ll be damned! Maybe God loves fags?” she says outloud. LOL. Coming from her, that’s a compliment!

Now I know where Lafayette gets his flair for the dramatics from!

Jason and Crystal walk into the sheriff’s station where Rose the receptionist is bawling because Deputy Kevin responded to a “mysterious” phone call and ended up getting viciously attacked. Jason feels awful, and rightfully so. Crystal panics when one of her kin folk spots her at the station. Meanwhile, Jason tries to redeem himself by helping Andy connect the dots from Kevin’s attack to the busted meth lab at Hot Shot. Andy’s frustration when Jason calls himself a cop is hysterical, but the himbo has a point.

Dummy by day. Detective by night.

Tara nervously walks into a rape survivors’ support group. Randomly, she bumps into co-worker Holly, who introduces her to the group, and then gets up to tell her own harrowing story about being abused by a co-worker. Kinda heavy stuff for so new a character on the show! But her words about not feeling like a victim seem to have a profound effect on Tara, who’s seeming unusually weak. What are the writers doing to her character?!

Tara looks like Holly’s about to rape her face.  Oops!  Too soon?

Sookeh’s flipping through an old scrapbook when she finds an article about how her grandpa’s “sixth sense” helped him save a neighbor from a fire. She then gets a call from her cousin Hadley, who begs her to come meet her at the aquarium in Monroe.

Grandpa sees dead people, while Sookeh just bangs ‘em.

Sookeh meets Hadley, who comes clean about blabbing to Not The Dita about Sookeh’s powers. She then introduces Sookeh to her son Hunter, and asks Sookeh to see if he has special powers, too. Naturally, he does, and Hadley freaks out, grabs Hunter by the arm, and yanks him away before Sookeh can get any real answers out of either of them.

When Arlene only finds a $2 tip on her table, she goes postal on Tommy, and accuses him of stealing the rest. Tommy retaliates with harsh words that send Arlene over the edge and into Waterworks-ville. Sam tells Tommy he’s taking the tip out of Tommy’s salary, which only causes more friction between the two brothers.

“I can’t afford this tacky red hair dye on meager tips, dude!”

Holly finds Arlene crying in the office, and lends a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Somehow she gets Arlene to open up about her baby’s true paternity, and her secret shame that she doesn’t want to bring this “evil” baby into the world. Kinda heavy stuff – refracted through a supernatural lens – yet incredibly dark, human, and honest. Holly suggests a trip to “the clinic” which Arlene vehemently opposes. She then cryptically says that there are “other ways” to deal with this. Hmm…

Beel’s trying to get a little shut eye under his house, when something starts dripping on his face, and for a second I thought a dog was taking a leak on him! He opens the trap door to find himself bathed in sunlight! Yup – it’s some sort of dream sequence / out of body trip to Sookeh’s “home planet.” He encounters Sookeh’s British nanny, who zaps him with a lightening bolt when he tries to make a snack out of her. Really, Beel?! Nanny McPhee knows Beel has sucked Sookeh’s blood cuz she can see her “light” in him. Beel begs to know what Sookeh really is so he can protect her.

Welcome to the Age of Aquarius, Beel. Unfortunately, white’s not your color.

Eric tells Pam that he fears he is an easy scapegoat for the vamp feds to pin the magister’s murder on. Pam is still hung up on the fact that she’s been with Eric for 100 years and he never told her the truth about his family. Eric says the burden of his pain was his alone, and Pam doesn’t want things to end this way. Eric then says if he can’t go on, that it is Pam’s duty to make a new lil vamp. It’s actually a really touching scene between Maker and Sire, like a parent and a child, only deeper, and I’ve never loved Pam more than I do right now!

I’d love Pam more if she laid off the Botox.

Jessica flips her shiz when Hoyt brings Summer into Merlotte’s for dinner. Meanwhile, Crystal flips her shiz when Jason tells her that the cops are planning on raiding Hot Shot again. He can’t understand why she’s so willing to go running back to the very people who have abused her for so long. HELLO, THEME OF THE EPISODE!

Lafayette is amused when Jesus orders the veggie burger with bacon, and tells him to lick the plate clean or he won’t be getting “dessert.” HA! Tara is shocked that Lala has been seeing the same guy for two nights in a row – a record for Lafayette. HA! Her congratulations of him finding love is bittersweet though.

When Summer goes to the bathroom, Jessica slips in to apologize to Hoyt, but it seems like he’s doing most of the apologizing. It turns out he can’t STAND Summer, and not just cuz she’s a chatterbox doll collector – but because she isn’t Jessica. Awww!

Hoyt doesn’t want to play with dolls or Summer anymore. Just Jessica!

Nan and the V feds return to Fangtasia as Closet King watches from a nearby rooftop. He then pulls out a crystal decanter full of Talbot’s remains and whispers to it that he will get revenge on Eric. I’m sorry, but WTF is this scene?! First of all, Talbot was a sticky, stringy mess last we saw him, and now he looks like he’s been pureed into neon red Kool Aid. Second, Closet King is always a ham, but the line, “I will make them sufferrrrr!” just seems forced and tailor-made for a teaser of the episode. I’m glad HBO didn’t use it. I might have skipped this week.

I’m tempted to make a bad joke about how Eric “spiked” the punch…

Nan tells Eric that he looks like shit, then reads his ruling: basically the V Feds are pretending nothing ever happened. They don’t want this political hot potato so close to the VRA passing. Nan tells Eric, strictly off the record, that she’s willing to turn a blind eye so he can clean up this mess and get the revenge he so badly yearns for. When Eric asks for resources, Nan calls him a whiny little bitch, and demands he brings her Closet King’s fangs, or she’ll have HIS! It’s very reminiscent of the Wizard of Oz telling Dorothy to bring him the broomstick of the Wicked Witch, only Russell’s the wicked bitch, and no matter how many times Pam clicks her ruby Uggs, they can never go home.

I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little Pam, too!

Crystal’s dad shows up at Merlotte’s and causes a huge ruckus. Sam has grown tired of being called a pussy by pretty much everyone, and decides to take his rage and aggression out on Crystal’s dad. Sam smashes a glass over his head, drop-kicks him a few times, and then beats his face to a bloody pulp. Crystal is the only one who tries to stop him, and I kinda liked when Sam shoved her to the ground. It’s an interesting scene as everyone watches, and no one does anything. I feel like Tara, Arlene, and Holly all get something out of watching someone else get abused for a change. Tommy even seems giddy, as if his respect in Sam has been restored. At long last, Hoyt and Jason pull Sam off, and Jesus and Lafayette decide to take the pulverized papa to the hospital. At the last second, Crystal runs after them, wanting to come with. Jason chastises her again for running back to the people who control and abuse her, but I guess old habits die hard, and she pushes Jason away.

This one’s on the house, dude!

Tara’s walking away when OUT OF NOWHERE Franklin pops up, apparently still alive. WTF?! I know that Tara didn’t technically stake him, but Talbot clearly said three episodes back that he was struggling to clean Franklin off the guest sheets. Franklin is so nuts that he still loves Tara despite the fact that she bashed his brains in with a mace. I like that this scene allows Tara to “confront her abuser” but I don’t see why she couldn’t have just said all this to his corpse. Instead, she begs to be killed so she can finally be rid of him. Really?! I thought she was a survivor. Death seems like a cop out. Worse still, Tara doesn’t even get the chance to save herself – white knight Jason shows up and blows Franklin away with a wooden bullet from his shotgun, leaving Tara screaming and cowering on the ground in a puddle of blood.

Tara the victim?! FAIL.

Nan is in her limo, snacking on some whore’s femoral artery and watching the nightly news when Closet King appears behind the anchor and does a Kill Bill kung fu punch right through his torso, ripping out his spine, and tossing the anchor’s carcass aside.

“Back” to you, Bob!

Nan watches in horror as Closet King usurps the anchor’s chair and addresses his human audience. He is not interested in the AVL’s campaign for equal rights, because vampires are nothing like humans – they are stronger and superior, and he plans to eat them – AND their children! His final line, “Now, time for the weather. Tiffany?” was pure camp slash genius!

Red, white, and true! Russell shows America his true colors.

So, despite the fact that we have to wait ANOTHER week to figure out what the heck Sookeh truly is, I thought it was a really great episode! Winners: Arlene, Pam, Ruby Jean, and even Holly. Losers: Tara, Tommy, Crystal, and sadly Summer. Jury’s still out on Jesus. I can’t wait to see what Closet King does next! Please leave your comments!