True Blood: Love Is In The Air. Or Gas

the last episode of True Blood was all about the love. Whether it was Jason being let down because the door was answered by a slack jawed local meth dealer, Bill trying to save Sookie, or Sookie trying to save Bill, romance was in every scene. Why the Closet King even offered to take Not the Dita away from a life of lotto scratchers, so she could become his vampire beard. Now tell me that doesn’t scream love. Oh, and Sam’s family turns into dogs. Double oh, and a certain lovable lunatic learned that you don’t promise a trip to Shoney’s and not follow through without there being consequences. Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff.

Our episode starts with the crap in mid-flight as it hits the fan. Sookie and Bill are being brought back in slow motion to the Closet King’s house, where the Closet King then announces that Bill has trustability issues. By the way, I love making up new words, it’s like being present at the birth of a moronic child that will suck the intelligence out of the room. You see, the way I see it, the lower IQ’s drop the smarter I get. 204 more words and a 92 will finally get me that MENSA card. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh TV, thanks! You have outstanding memorability. And now the count is 203, I’m getting closer by the second.

It turns out the Closet King is right not to trust Bill, because Bill promptly starts making with rescuing Sookie. First he offs that poor vampire goon extra, who I’m pretty sure is the same one whose face Bill melted last week. We’ll miss you vampire extra. Okay, not really, but it’s not going to kill us to be polite.

After warming up with the extra, Bill goes for big game, and hops on the Closet King’s shoulders so he can stake him too. Too bad for Bill, there is no way the show’s producers are going to get rid of their main villain, halfway through the season. Closet King, literally just shrugs his shoulders and Bill goes flying into the ceiling , cracking it all to hell. CK then takes this time to talk about how he’s 3,000 years old, and too powerful for anyone to even think of trying to kill. Well at least until episode 11, but we’ll keep that fact to ourselves.

For the last time, I don’t care if you are a star on the show, no piggyback rides.

Sookie goes to be with Bill, because it is sort of the whole point of her driving herself right to the bad guys’ doorstep. Too bad for her, because Eric does one of those super fast vampire zips and cuts her off.

We then get another shock for the night, when Eric seems to get totally on Team Closet King. He walks Sookie over to CK and tells him that he doesn’t know what “it is, but it seems quite valuable.” Sookie then looks completely flabbergasted that a regular male cast member would turn on her like that, and we cut to the opening credits.

When we come back Sookie is dropping WTF’s on Eric, because hello, star of the show is not getting her way. Eric and the Closet King are getting a pretty good chuckle out of this, when Long Time Male Companion completely loses his poop about Bill trashing the house. The Closet King doesn’t think this is the time to talk about this, and maybe so, but Long Time Male Companion thinks it’s the perfect time to storm out of the room.

The Closet King may be an extra super powerful vampire, but even he has enough common sense to see his relationship is taking a U-turn to Problemsville. While CK is distracted, Lorena thinks this might be a good time to ask what is going to happen to Bill. Not surprisingly, the Closet King wants Bill dead. The fact that he wants Lorena to kill Bill is a neat twist that no one sees coming.

Lorena’s poop proceeds to get a little emotional because she luvvvvvs Bill, but all this leads to is the Closet King screaming about he is the king, and not to be defied. He then tells Eric to take Sookie to his library and heads upstairs to smooth things over with the Mrs.

As Bill gets lead out of the house, Sookie promises to rescue him, and just to be extra delusional, stupid, spunky she tells Lorena that if she does kill Bill, Sookie will kill her. Not the best thing to say to the already crazy vampire who’s a little emotional about Bill too. Lorena makes some crack about wanting to wear Sookie’s ribcage as a hat, which would be a lot more scarier if Lorena’s Southern accent wasn’t permanently set in oh fiddly dee mode.

Lorena stomps off, and Eric starts walking Sookie out of the scene. Sookie wants Eric to tell her that he is just pretending to be a dick to lull the Closet King into a false sense of security. Eric’s like, um nopers, and when Sookie gets snotty about why did Eric even show up in Jackson if he didn’t come to rescue her and her fiance. Eric then does something wonderful. He tells Sookie to shut up. Naturally, Sookie keeps yapping, and Eric then does something extra wonderful awesome. He puts his hand over her mouth and walks Sookie out of the scene.

You know what? I don’t care if Eric starts eating nuns on Main Street, he’s all right in my book forever.

We cut over to Merlotte’s where it’s the end of the night, and Arlene is dealing with exactly the sort of horrible customer you have to deal with at the end of a long night in a restaurant. After quizzing Arlene on how the peas are prepared, the woman puts in an elaborate special order for the chicken fried steak. Although, all of us who watched last season know from Hoyt that the chicken fried steak is supercala, supercalifrag, very good. Maybe if I make up more words I’ll be able to spell better too?

It’s almost 11 and she’s out in public in curlers?  Oh we have a winner.

Lafayette is a little miffed because this breaks up his pool game with Jesus, but not to worry because Jesus says he’ll help Lafayette in the kitchen. Jesus is pretty wonderful huh? Well he is, and Mexican Jesus is pretty dreamy too, and he is the one who is going in the kitchen with Lafayette.

This just leaves Jess and everyone’s favorite vampire hater, Arlene. Things are pretty normal, Arlene is itching a blue fit about how unfair work is, and then she cuts her finger. The situation gets a little awkward when she shows Jess the cut, and Jess has one of her impromptu fang bonners. Naturally, Arlene poops a brick, and to be honest I can’t too judgemental about Arlene on this one. Seeing an unholy creature of the night ready for din-din would have me a little nervous too.

Of course, being Arlene, she blows it way out of proportion and storms out talking about this why people hate vampires. Poor Jess gets her fangs under control and has to sit at the bar and mutter to herself about not eating for days. It sucks being the undead new girl.

We cut over to that lake where Jason and his new cuddle buddy Crystal are still making out. Well they have to get their smooching in between Crystal yapping about how this can only be for this one night, and that it is wrong and dangerous. However, she doesn’t think it’s so wrong and dangerous that they can’t get down to making the sweet, sweet love.

Crystal gets on top of Jason, and Jason makes some crack about her not hurting him, or not, whatever she wants. This puts Crystal out of the mood and she quickly informs Jason she isn’t into any of that pervert stuff. Jason says he just meant that she shouldn’t break his heart. This kind of puts Crystal back in the mood, although it’s starting to look like Jason brought his Gimp suit along for nothing.

Just then Crystal starts stiffing the air, and you can hear animals howling in the distance. She hops off Jason and tells him to just forget about her and exits stage right. Jason ends up looking totally confused. Well more confused then usual, confuseder. And the magic number drops to 202.

We cut from that back to Jackson, where Sookie and Eric are getting a little alone time. Sookie is using this time to to bitch out Eric for not doing a better job of rescuing her fiance, and not throwing his life away to prove his love to her. Eric who is under a lot of stress, what with Pam in danger, and meeting up with the person who killed his family1,000 years ago gets a little snappy in turn. He informs Sookie that he never loved her, and that really needs to zip it so he can concentrate on taking care of the things that are truly important to him. Sookie then falls back on her nuclear bomb for dealing with people and tells Eric she will never forgive him for this. Man, is it just me or is Sookie extra threateny this week? Zing, 201!

We cut back to Merlotte’s where Lafayette and Mexican Jesus have ducked out, leaving Arlene and Jess to deal with their problem customer and lock up. Arlene isn’t too happy because when she leaves Terry with the kids for too long he gets frazzled, and not only that, but nobody tipped her tonight. Jess feels a little guilty about this last part, mainly because she got pissed at Arlene earlier in the night and glamored all the customers not to tip her.

Jess decides to make it up to Arlene and tells her that she will take care of their problem customer. Once Arlene makes sure Jess isn’t going to kill problem customer she reluctantly gets on board with this plan.

Jess glamors the problem customer, telling her that she is full, and that she should tip Arlene all the money in her purse. She also tells the woman to go to the ladies’ room, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Well, it does a little make complete sense when the woman goes in the ladies’ room and Jess chomps down on her. This is right about when Arlene comes up to the door of the ladies’ room and hears these horrible sounds. Just when Arlene is about to open the door, the problem customer comes out and tells Arlene that she is the best waitress in the whole wide world. She also has this scarf wrapped around her neck. Then Jess shows up and scares the poop out of Arlene, but tells her that it was a pretty good night after all, because Arlene got a big tip, and nobody got killed. This is all true, but Arlene looks less then convinced as Jess exits stage right.

We cut from that to two people who actually enjoy each other’s company, Lafayette and Mexican Jesus. They are parked at some romantic spot and Mexican Jesus is filling us all in on some valuable exposition about himself. Namely, that his mom raised him alone, and they traveled all over the world. Oh and Mexican Jesus never knew his father, because his mother was raped.

It turns out Lafayette thinks this is great news. Wow, there is no way for that last sentence not to be creepy, huh? Anyway, Lafayette thinks this is a good thing, because it makes Mexican Jesus not completely perfect. This is very important to Lafayette because he is a big believer in the concept of Satan in a Sunday hat, where if somebody looks too good to be true there must be something wrong with them. Last season Lafayette made a big deal over Tara hooking up with Eggs because of this, so Mexican Jesus’s parent situation actually puts Lafayette’s mind at ease.

Personally, I think Lafayette is kind of reaching here, because Eggs had a pretty screwed up personal history too. Actually Eggs and Mexican Jesus have a lot in common, because in both cases these seemingly perfect guys just kind of parachuted in Tara’s and Lafayette’s lives, and started telling them that they were in love within about two minutes of first saying hello. That being said, Mexican Jesus doesn’t cut peoples’ hearts out for a maenad, or play the acoustic guitar. At least as far as I know right now.

Anyway, with that much needed character exposition out of the way, Lafayette and Mexican Jesus get down to having their first kiss. Once again, Lafayette is tentative, flustered, and very vulnerable, but eventually he and Jesus do make full use of that moonlight and that romantic spot, and Lafayette finally catches a little personal happiness on this show.

The return of the face of flustered

We head back to Jackson and the Closet King’s, where he and Sookie sit down to have a little talk. Well, first the Closet King makes a fire and heats up a fireplace poker, so he can threaten to torture Sookie with it, if she doesn’t make like the Chatty Cathy doll we all know her to be. Sookie also gets the Closet King to answer some questions too, because that will really get the exposition flowing. Sookie tells the Closet King about her powers, and how her grandfather could hear other peoples’ thoughts too, but can’t tell him what she is, because she doesn’t know. The main thing the Closet King tells Sookie is that Bill had a big fat honking file on her and her family, and was probably watching Sookie for the queen.

When Sookie is shocked to hear that there is a vampire queen too, the Closet King laughs in her face and points out that she really doesn’t know what’s going on. Sookie then gets a hurt little look on her face. Man this is just not Sookie’s night.

With that out of the way we cut over to Lorena and Bill, who are about to have yet another scene talking about their relationship. Yeah, I know, I’m ready to be staked too. Of course this scene is a little different, because Lorena is supposed to kill Bill. Well, eventually she’ll kill him, but Lorena whips out a whole bunch of very sharp objects to torture Bill with first.

Lorena starts yapping about how if she can’t make Bill feel love for her, she’ll make him feel pain. Hey if she wants to make him feel pain, the knifes are overkill, because her accent is already making my ears bleed.

Lorena starts cutting on Bill, and even puts some of her blood into him, so they will be as one when he dies. She also decides this is the perfect time to give Bill crap one last time for resisting his vampire nature; translation, I am torturing you to death and it’s all your fault. Bill takes the high road and says he wishes he had met Lorena before she turned hard, which is much nicer then using the words whack job. Anyway, Lorena gets super sad, and Bill gets super sad (and is also in super pain too), and I get super sad because even though this scene is done, I know we haven’t seen the last of these two for the night.

We cut away from that mess, to a relationship that works, Franklin and Tara. Okay their relationship doesn’t work either, but it’s a lot more fun to watch. It’s later in the night from Last week’s episode and it is beddy bye time for Franklin and Tara. What the F? Did they go to Shoney’s or not? We don’t find out the answer to that question, but we do get to find out that Franklin owns a pair of silk pajamas. [5 minutes pause for recapper's hysterical blindness].

Tara is happy to see Franklin, which shows she is being an extra good sport, because Franklin has her tied up again. She asks Franklin where he’s been, and Franklin comes back with a loving, “I won’t be policed.” Oh Franklin, you make me laugh for all the wrong reasons.

Franklin is a little miffed that Tara hasn’t noticed that he’s actually shaved for their upcoming vampire wedding, but Tara manages to steer the conversation to a little sexing for tonight, and that maybe Franklin will untie her. Oh, and Tara wants to drink Franklin’s blood and have wild sex all night long. Franklin thinks this is a a little kinky, but hello, little English guy in silk pajamas, there is no way he is passing up on kinky.

Franklin does add an extra kinky (or disgusting) twist to want Tara wants to do. You see when most vampires give a human a taste, they bite their wrists and let said humans drink from there. Franklin wants Tara to bite him in the neck.

We can see Tara’s face, and she is just as grossed out by this situation as we are, but it’s obvious that Tara has something up her sleeve, and when Franklin starts screaming for her to “kill me! Kill Me!” Tara sucks it up and tells Franklin that he doesn’t need to tell her twice.

Come on Tara, don’t make that face, at least he took off the pajamas

Tara chomps down on Franklin, and wow she really gets into it. I mean she snaps into Franklin like a Slim Jim. There’s a lot of blood, and a lot of gore, and if I say it’s a little gross, that’s only because it’s a lot of gross.

We cut from that to Eric and Long Time Male Companion who are playing some super old card game, while Eric finds out the Long Time Male Companion has been with the Closet King for 700 years. Long Time Companion then admits that sometimes it feels like seven million. This is right when the Closet King shows up and says he wants to go on a road trip with Eric. Oh man, Long Time Male Companion completely loses his poop, and accuses the Closet King of only wanting to hang out with sycophants.

Now granted this is about the jillionth time Long Time Male Companion has pitched a fit, but he’s got kind of a point here. Ever since Eric figured out that the Closet King killed his folks, he’s had an Eddie Haskel grin plastered on his face whenever the Closet King is in the room. Not that any of this matters right now, because the Closet King obviously needs Eric for one of his many evil master plans and they exit stage right.

While this is going on, Sookie is being taken to a room by a faceless goon. Sookie is yapping about how she has powers and isn’t to be messed with, and the faceless goon is totally ignoring her. I am becoming a bigger fan of Jackson Mississippi by the second.

Sookie gets locked in a room and is pretty down in the dumps, and that leads to some cheap thrills for this waffleboy. You see, one of my friends recently pointed out to me that Anna Paquin can’t convincingly cry on camera, and the screenwriters keep putting it in the script. Ever since I got cued into this fact, I enjoy watching Sookie look like she is going to sneeze a lot more then I should.

Do you have a cat?  No?  Then I must be really, really, sad.

Anyway, Sookie has allergies. Sorry, she’s sad, but she gets some good news. Tara sends her a psychic hot-line message telling Sookie that she is busting out tomorrow and taking Sookie with her. The camera cuts over to Tara who is in bed with Franklin, and looks like she just finished the messiest plate of spaghetti in the history of mankind. Oh, and Franklin didn’t tie her up, so things are looking up for Tara’s bust out plan.

We go from Tara who still looks shell shocked from seeing Franklin in those silk PJ’s, to Eric and the Closet King riding in a limo, which is the perfect excuse for some much needed exposition. Eric assures the Closet King once again that he’s not attracted to Sookie, not friends with her, and only kept an eye on her and Bill for his queen. Oh and he kind of gives Closet King the impression that the reason he isn’t attracted to Sookie is because he likes guys, guys like the Closet King. Okay, not that there is anything the matter with that.

As for the Closet King, he admits to having werewolves work for him, and giving them his blood. He also tells Eric that if all the supernaturals banded together they could take down humans and run the world. Oh, and he mentions hanging with Adolph Hitler, which means he was the guy Eric and Godric were looking for in World War Two. Okay, to sum things up, the Closet King killed Eric’s parents, has a plan to take over the world, and is the guy Eric’s maker was hunting. Yep, Eric is going to take this joker down.

Just not right now, because we cut back to Bon Temps and Lafayette and Mexican Jesus rolling into Lafayette’s house. Although in complimenting Lafayette on his decorating, Mexican Jesus comes off as an expert in voodoo, not that will ever come up again in the plot on a show like this one.

Not that that matters right now. Just when Lafayette and Mexican Jesus are about to get down to the sweet, sweet, love, an awful commotion starts outside. Lafayette and Mexican Jesus head outside to see what all the hub bub is about, and see that those slack jawed local meth dealers that Eric and Lafayette pressured into selling V are trashing Lafayette’s new car with a baseball bat.

Lafayette is kind of stumped by this situation, because the slack jawed local meth dealer who is seriously F-ing Lafayette’s ride up does have a bat, which means if Lafayette gets too close, he’s going to end up taking a pretty serious beat down. This means Lafayette just has to stand there as this joker smashes out all the windows on Lafayette’s car, and tells Lafayette how they don’t like his kind.

All is not lost though. Mexican Jesus kind of darted out of the scene, and he sneaks up on Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer and snatches the bat out of his hand. Mexican Jesus then makes sure Slack Jaws two buddies continue to just take up space, much like they did in the 5th grade, four times.

Now it is just Lafayette and Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer mano a mano. Oh wow, this isn’t even pretty. Lafayette starts wailing on Slack Jawed Local like if he hits him hard enough candy is going to start spilling out of his head.

Lafayette being not so flustered

Lafayette starts telling Slack Jawed Local that he is going to have to pay to repair his car, and when Slack Jawed Local says he doesn’t have the money, Lafayette tells him to sell that V that Lafayette dropped off the other night. Oh by the way, Lafayette is still repeatedly punching this guy in the head during this little conversation.

Eventually Mexican Jesus pulls Lafayette off of Slack Jawed Local, and the local members of the inbred society exit stage left. Mexican Jesus asks if it’s true that Lafayette is a drug dealer. Whoops, did that come out? Lafayette is pretty embarrassed and admits that he is. It turns out that Mexican Jesus thinks drugs can destroy peoples’ lives, especially V, so he asks Lafayette to drive him back to his car. And with that, Lafayette’s romantic happiness is done for the night.

We then check in on Not the Dita, who is handling her IRS problems the way all responsible leaders handle a financial crisis. She’s sitting on the floor going through a mountain of scratchers. Things aren’t looking good until Not the Dita hits the jackpot for one hundred smackers. Not the Dita promptly calls out for an underling to haul ass to the local convenience store to get 200 scratchers, because “momma’s feeling lucky.” This may seem idiotic to some of you out there, but as a life long resident of California, I’d kill to have someone in state government this fiscally prudent.

Anyway, Not the Dita eventually becomes concerned when no underlings show up. She gets extra concerned when the Closet King enters stage right, and wants to know what’s going on. This is when the Closet King lives up to his name, and pops the question.

Not the Dita is confused, because she is pretty much a lesbian, and well, the Closet King has Long Time Male Companion. Also, it turns out that the Closet King has been asking Not the Dita to marry him for centuries, and she wants to know why she should say yes now. The Closet King says he can pay off all the money she owes the IRS which will probably keep her from going to jail, and as a bonus, he won’t lay a hand on her. On man, can you feel the love in the air?

The Closet King also mentions that he will be able to smooth over Not the Dita’s soon to show up problems with the Magistar over selling V. This last bit totally fails to impress Not the Dita, because she already framed Eric for being the big bad V connection.

Oh, too bad for Not the Dita, because this is when Eric zips in from stage, whatever, he’s moving to fast to tell. Eric does end up pinning Not the Dita to the floor, and letting her know that seeing as he is way older and stronger then her, he isn’t planning on being a very good sport about this whole getting framed business. Oh, and Eric throws in an added sweetener to Closet King’s proposal, if Not the Dita says yes in the next five seconds, Eric won’t twist her head completely off her shoulders. Not the Dita needs time to think, and Eric starts twisting, and before you know it, she is ready to start picking out china patterns. Don’t you love a happy ending?

The Closet King is in a good mood, because his evil master plan is motoring right along. He tells Eric they are going to crash at Not the Dita’s tonight, and get down to rescuing Pam the next night. Eric is in full suck up mode, so he has no problem with this plan, and tells Closet King he is up for what ever CK needs. Oh, and Eric is way too touchy feely while he is saying this.

This marriage appears to be off to a rip roaring start

The Closet King can tell Eric is coming on to him, and while he doesn’t take Eric up on the offer, he certainly isn’t saying no either. The scene ends when Eric scoops up Not the Dita like a sack of potatoes and hauls her off to lock her up for the night, and we move on to what the writers have cooked up for us next.

Hey, who wants to check in on Bill and Lorena? Come on, don’t make that face, normally you have to go see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Wayne Gretzky Dinner Theater in Edmonton to hear accents like these. Come on, it will be fun. Okay, no it won’t but the crew spent a lot of time setting up the scene, so we should at least be polite.

Bill still isn’t dead yet. Although it looks like since we last checked in that Lorena has been whittling on him like a piece of scrimshaw. They are still yapping at each other about whose fault it is as to why they aren’t in love. Lorena is still on the Bill never embraced his vampire nature kick, when Bill pulls out the big guns. He tells Lorena that she is just like her maker, and just pissed that she couldn’t turn Bill into a sadistic butthead too.

Uh oh, he did not go there. Lorena loses her poop and starts yelling that she is nothing like her maker, and I agree with her. I mean the woman is wearing a sleeveless top with a ruffled collar, short skirt, black stockings, and chunky high heels; unless her maker had the fashion sense of a blind hooker, I can think of at least one thing they don’t have in common.

Then again, if Lorena was looking for a top to accent her rounded shoulders, she succeeded beyond her wildest dreams

At this point, this scene is showing signs of running into the next geological era, when we are saved by the arrival of the Unfortunately Named Cooter and the WereEx. By the way, if you had told me before last Sunday that I would ever type those last 14 words I would have thought you were insane.

Anyway, Cooter and the WereEx snuck in to get a hit off of Bill’s vampire blood, and Lorena is like sure, help yourself. Cooter kicks Bill while he’s down a few times, because Cooter’s a dick and that’s what they do. Still eventually he and the WereEx put liplocks on Bill and proceed to try to “turn this dead man into a raisin.” Bill looks like he’s a goner for sure now, but he and Lorena aren’t talking, so I’m going to call the end of this scene a win.

It’s a brand new day, so we check in over with Sam and Tommy who are getting their day started after dealing with their drunken a-hole father the night before. Sam gives Tommy a cup of coffee to start the day, and tells him that they need to talk about what is going on with Tommy and his dad. Sam is pretty cool, and fair, and tells Tommy they don’t have to talk right now, but they do need to hash this out by the end of the day. Tommy says okay, and it comes off as pretty believable. I’m getting the feeling that Tommy is starting to trust Sam.

Just then there is a knock at the door, and it’s a plot twist. Sorry, it’s Sam’s and Tommy’s mom. She’s just stopped by to give Sam a major coronary. I mean to drop off some of her super special corn fritters (their secret is frying them in bacon fat.) Now that she’s just shaved 10 years off of Sam’s life, she asks if she and Tommy can have a little alone time. Sam says sure, and tells Tommy he’ll see him at work.

As soon as Sam is out the door, Sam’s mom drops the sunshine and joy routine to ask Tommy what the hell is going on. She lets Tommy know that his dad loves him. Why, he was the one who kept Momma Sam from aborting Tommy when she was pregnant. Huh? Wow, the bar just got raised for worst fictional mother of the year on a pay cable show.

This is where we find out Sam’s family’s deep dark secret. They shift into the form of pit bulls and fight in dog fights. Well Tommy’s mom used to do that, but her back is shot now, so it’s up to Tommy to support the family.

Tommy points out that Joe Lee doesn’t care about them, he just uses them. Tommy’s mom comes right back pointing out that Joe Lee never left her, which ends the argument for her. She tells Tommy that they can’t trust Sam because while he might be blood, he isn’t family. Tommy gets a dejected look on his face, and it looks like Momma Sam has won this particular argument.

We cut back to Mississippi, where Tara is all set to start today’s bust out, but she has one thing to take care of with her non-sweet babboo, Franklin. She quietly heads over to a very handy wall display of medieval weapons, pulls a mace off the wall, and proceeds to literally bash Franklin’s brains out. Do you know how I said the scene where she was gnawing on Franklin’s neck was gory? Well that one was just a tuneup for this one. There’s a lot of blood splattering, gurgglely (200!) moist sound effects, and Franklin’s tater ends up looking like a half crushed cardboard coffee cup. See what happens when you renege on a Shoney’s promise? So, after trying to drive Franklin’s skull into the box springs, Tara exits stage left.

All I’m saying is that if you promise Tara raspberry tea, then she better get raspberry tea

As part of this bright new sunshiny day, Jason is up early and taking care of business. No, not actually making it in to work on time for his new job as a pretend cop, Jason is heading over to Crystal’s to make with some extended romance. Hence the flowers. Why he decided to where his letterman’s jacket 10 years after he’s graduated high school, I have no idea.

Jason’s plan hits a snag almost immediately, when Crystal’s door is answered by Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer, who we could know called Bruised Up Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer after his run in with Lafayette last night, but we don’t because if we don’t get the word count under control on this recap it’s going to hit 10,000 words.

Man, I was going to give these to Crystal, but you look like you could use them more

Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer wants to know just what the hell Jason wants, to which Jason goes with the always discrete, “is Crystal here?”

Surprisingly, Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer has Crystal come to the door without any other explanation. When Crystal sees Jason at her front door she goes with the always reliable Oh-crap-we-almost-boinked-last-night-and-now-you’re-on-my-doorstep facial expression. Crystal quickly asks Jason just who the hell he is, because she has never seen him before in her life; the highlight of which is being Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer’s FIANCE. She asks if some jerks played a trick on Jason, because she would certainly never head out to Merlotte’s to meet a guy who tried to give her a topless traffic ticket, and she also wouldn’t make out with said hunk, and be willing to have sex, as long as there was no pervert stuff involved, because she loves Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer just that much.

Crystal then calls Jason a dumb ass, and Slack Jawed Local Meth Dealer joins in, because Crystal just is making so much sense. You know this has nothing to do with this scene, but I think if Jason and Slack Jawed Local were ever in a spelling bee, the line would be “pick em.”

Anyway, Jason gets back in his truck, and drives off feeling mighty low.

We cut back to the Closet King’s where one of those goony biker werewolves is guarding Sookie’s room. Tara enters stage right with a big bowl of almonds saying that Long Time Male Companion wants Sookie to have said almonds. Naturally the goon hasn’t heard anything about this and isn’t too keen to let Tara in Sookie’s room. That is until Tara tells the goon he can deal with Long Time Male Companion when he finds out that Sookie didn’t get these almonds. The goon immediately caves and lets Tara in the room. The only problem, is that it looks like Sookie is gone. Well she isn’t. she pops out behind the goon and cracks him over the heard with some fancy urn. Normally the goon could handle Sookie or Tara, but between the two of them, there is always somebody cracking him over the head, and eventually he goes off to Concussionland for a long nappie.

Sookie and Tara make a beeline down the stairs, and Tara wants to find a car, so they don’t get chased down by the Unfortunately Named Cooter again. Naturally, Sookie doesn’t want any part of this, because she has to rescue Bill. Tara is not up for this at all, seeing as Bill left her with Franklin the other night. Sookie doesn’t want to argue, but she’s going after Bill and this is where she and Tara split up. Well, first Tara calls Sookie an F-ing idiot, but that is only because she is one.

Seeing as the action is at a fever pitch now at the Closet King’s we cut over to Merlotte, and things aren’t going well. Lafayette is snapping at Arlene, and still seems pissed about screwing up with Mexican Jesus last night. Arlene sees Sam and starts laying into him. Tommy hasn’t shown up, and they’ve got two tables that need to be bused. Oh, and Arlene is ticked because Sam has a no pet policy on his rentals, but she saw his folks loading a nasty pit bull into their van this morning.

Because Sam is one of the few characters on this show with an IQ that doesn’t double as a comfortable temperature to set a thermostat at, he knows exactly what is going on. Sam goes over to his place, but Tommy is long gone, so he decides to talk with the only person in town who would know about dog fighting.

The next thing we see is Sam and Andy sitting in a booth at Merlotte’s. Sam asks Andy if he knows about dog fighting going on in Bon Temps. Andy says there isn’t any in in town, and when Sam wants to know about places close by Andy gets a little official and says he can’t share intelligence with a civilian. Sam then points out that he saved Andy’s life last season, although nobody mentions that Jason and Andy pretty much saved Sam’s bacon at the Merlotte’s parking lot, and then had to see Sam wander around wearing only an apron. In my book that would make everyone even. Still Andy does the right thing to advance the plot and tells Sam about some dog fighting going on over in the next parish. Sam makes sure he has that big ass pistol of his, and exits stage left burning rubber in his jeep.

As a matter of fact, Sam cuts off Jason as he hauls butt out of the parking lot, and this is the breaking point for Jason’s day. He’s been dumped on all day, and if only there was a way to take out his frustrations on somebody else. And guess what? Thanks to on the ball script writing, there is!

Jason just happens to spot the car of that asshat high school quarterback who is about to break all of Jason’s records. Oh and it gets better my friends, because the shocks on that car are getting a serious workout. Yep, that high school asshat is boinking some chick in his car on the side of the road in broad daylight.

Pretend cop Jason immediately springs into action. He walks over to the car, and thanks to an open window is able to get asshat’s attention. Jason does this by reaching in the car and slapping the asshat on his butt in mid hump.

The asshat takes his butt slap a lot better then I would, and gets out of the car. Jason pulls out his Ah-tor-a-tay voice and tells Asshat that he’s breaking the law. Asshat points out that Jason isn’t a real cop. Maybe so, but that arm bar Jason puts on the asshat is pretty real. Jason explains that he is a trainee, but when he becomes an official cop, he’s going to have his eye on the ass hat because…there’s a long pause, because, well it’s Jason. Finally Jason admits he doesn’t know what about the asshat is so bad, but he is going to find out. This puts Jason in a much better mood, so he lets the asshat off with that nonsensical warning. There we go, a bad morning made better through the simple abuse of non-existent power. There is a lesson in there for all of us, but I think it’s bad, so we’ll just pretend there isn’t one. Moving on.

Feeling blue?  Harass a teenager

We finally go back to all that excitement at the Closet King’s. Tara must have given up looking for a car, because she is hauling ass across the lawn again. This time she makes it into the woods before she sees a wolf. Tara freaks and starts running in a new direction. She gets an extra surprise when the WereHunk gives her a hug and tells her he is one of the good guys. He’s also one of the naked guys, so Tara’s morning is looking up.

The WereHunk asks Tara if she’s seen a Sookie Stackhouse inside the Closet King’s house. Tara asks if the WereHunk has a car, and when he says yes, Tara says she’ll take him to Sookie.

We cut from that to Sookie who is sneaking up on that little shed where they are keeping Bill. She sees Cooter and the WereEx come stumbling out, stoned out of their gourds on V. I think they are suposed to be guarding the grounds, but they are seriously tweaked, and decide to go steal the WereEx some new clothes at Forever Young. Just a suggestion guys, maybe get her a top that isn’t a part of a two piece bathing suit. Anyway, the WereTrash exits giggling stage left, and Sookie gets inside the little shed.

Sookie finds Bill, and he is pretty out of it. Actually if he isn’t dead, he’s doing a great impersonation. Not that this matters to Sookie, because she tells Bill that everything is going to be okay. Wel, for Bill, for Sookie, things start getting a little ugly. It turns out Lorena is still in the shed, and she isn’t too excited to see Sookie. Sorry, I should have said Lorena isn’t happy, because she is plenty excited. Lorena throws Sookie like eight feet through the air, and says Bill getting hurt is all Sookie’s fault, and then she puts an extra serious chomp on Sookie. The End.

Wow, hardly a dull moment in the whole show, and Eric got Sookie to shut up. This is a night we’ll talk about for a long long time.

It was cool to see the return of smart resourceful Tara this week, if for no other reason then she is one of the few characters on the show who will call Sookie when she’s doing something lemming like.

That being said, I really wish that when Tara brained Franklin that she had staked him, or at least cut his head off. I have a sneaking suspicion that we haven’t seen the last of Franklin, and that he’ll be more then a little cranky if they meet up again.

Okay I was a little ticked at the end of this show, mainly because of the trailer for next week’s episode. It’s kind of dumb to end an episode on a cliffhanger, and then show within two minutes that the cliffhanger isn’t all that cliffhangy (199, I knew I could get one more in if I tried!).

So, what do you guys think? Will Jess and Arlene ever bond? And is Jess completely off of True Blood? They have it at the bar, and you think she might not have been jonsing for the real stuff so bad after the whole long haul trucker fiasco.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by and we’ll talk again soon