True Blood: Moon-age a Trois!

I had very high expectations for last night’s episode of True Blood, so I had no one to blame but myself for any feelings of disappointment that I may have experienced. That’s not to say it wasn’t a fine episode. It had its moments. But it wasn’t the creepy, action-packed thrill ride I thought it would be, especially for an episode that centered on the full moon…

The episode is off to a running start, with Eric and Sook kissing and undressing and fumbling for the nearest couch. I’m already not a huge fan of Anna Paquin and her slack-jawed, gap-toothed mouth, and as soon as her top comes off, I’m even more repulsed by those barely A cup mosquito bites she calls boobs. She is flat as a pancake! Poor Stephen Moyer! Who knew he was into pre-pubescent boy bodies?

Nice padded training bra, sweetie.

Of course, Beel has to bust in just then and break up all the fun. I’d say there’s an epic brawl between Sook’s two suitors, but it’s pretty one-sided. Eric has Beel by the scruff of the neck, and then carelessly tosses him across the room into the mantle. LOL. Eric’s about to ram a poker up Beel’s ass when Sook begs him to stop because he’s the king. In a shocking twist, Eric drops the poker and bows to his liege. Both Beel and I are stunned.

Beel has Eric handcuffed and taken into custody (ie. thrown into his little underground prison lair) with Sook hissing all the way in his jealous ear. She needles him about who he’s sticking his fangs in… he needles her back about who she’s opening her legs for. Hehehe. Ladies, please!! Beel insists his actions are justified because Eric is under the power of necromancy and poses a threat. He then has Sook forcibly removed from the premises and banned!

War of the Roses!

Behind bars, Eric wrinkles his nose in disgust and is all, “It smells like death in here.” “That’s me!” comes Pam’s weak voice from the corner. LOL. She tries to hide her nasty, rotting face, but Eric demands to see her. (He then quickly wishes he hadn’t.) PS, does anyone else hear that grotesque hissing, sizzling sound the editors add in whenever Pam’s on screen, so you can literally hear her face falling off? So nar nar! Anyways, Pam wants to bust loose and enact revenge on Lala, Jesus, Tara, and Marni, but Eric wants to obey Queen Beel. Pam calls Beel a pompous, self-righteous dork. LOL. Go, Pam!! She tells Eric he is a “vampire Viking god” (yup, yup!) and that he bows to no one! She wants so badly for the old Eric to come back, but Eric snaps at her that he doesn’t want to remember the old Eric. He’s the new Eric now. The lovey dovey Eric. The pussy Eric.

She’s the voice of reason… with the face of the Crypt Keeper!

Beel video chats with Nan to tell her that he has both Eric and Marni in custody. He basically lies and says that Eric is “infected” and beyond help, and it’s his belief that Eric should meet the true death before Marni can use him as a weapon against the vamps. Even Nan sees right through his BS, and is all, “I’m sure you’re real broken up over this.” LOL.

Terry and Arlene are scared shizzless to wake up and find their entire house engulfed in flames. Terry gets the kids out, while Arlene goes to get Mikey – only he’s not in his crib!! WTF?! I’m no parent, but even I could feel Arlene’s terror over a missing child. Terry forces her out of the house just moments before the house literally explodes in a fireball! You know baby Mikey’s not dead tho – and sure enough, the kids say he was already waiting outside on the grass… with the creepy doll of course. WTF again?! Just when I think it’s Rene, baby Mikey sees the ghost of some black woman from the 1930′s and waves to her. Arlene turns around and sees no one. Hmm. I’m so confused.

Are you a good ghost? Or a bad ghost?

The next morning, landlord Sam is having trouble believing the fire started by itself. Arlene’s on edge cuz she’s convinced Rene is trying to kill her from beyond the grave. And as usual, Terry’s apologizing for crazy Arlene.

Um, why is Terry holding a wriggling armadillo?!

Sheriff Andy’s still high on V and gives Sam a ration of shizz for being a “slumlord.” Sam bites back for a change and is like, “Get the eff out of my face, chubby!” Just then, damsel in distress Holly calls to Andy for help moving a giant barcalounger off her front lawn. At first I thought it was Terry and Arlene’s stuff, but apparently it’s hers and she claims her house nearly went up in smoke, too. Um, you live across the street, lady! Your house was never in danger. What a drama queen! Anyways, thanks to the V, Andy’s able to hoist the chair right over his head! Holly acts all impressed by his muscles, and I was like, oh! So, she’s not a lesbian? Andy picks up on the same flirty signals, and uses the opening to ask her on a date. Holly’s all, “Who said anything about a date?” But Andy’s such a goober she gives in and agrees to dinner with the big lug.

Where’d that chair come from?! And where did those muscles come from??

“Oh, shooooot! How do I get myself out of this pickle?!”

Sam calls Tommy to tell him that he’s got his hands full all day dealing with the fire and could Tommy open up Merlotte’s. Tommy’s acting all wigged out still from killing his parents – who wouldn’t be?! He starts cussing himself out in the mirror and smacking himself around. And all of a sudden he shifts into Sam!!! Okay, I’ll admit: the show kinda confused me a lil here. I thought Luna said you could only shift into someone that you killed. But, according to my dear gasmii readers, I’m just a retard who’s hard of hearing, and apparently the rule is you can shift into other humans if you kill a member of your own family. Hmm. Okay!! If you say so!!

Gawd, I’m sho shtoopid!

Sam I am… NOT!

Over the river and thru the woods, to grandpa brujo’s house we go! Lala is bitching about having to eat goat’s tongue for breakfast. Yak!! Gramps gives Jesus a bunch of flak for running away and only coming back when he needs help. He demands a sacrifice in exchange for his help. Um, I’m pretty sure they sacrificed their appetites already over that goat tongue!

Tara’s taking a lil nappy nap in her panties when there’s a banging at the door. It’s her grouchy lez gf, Naomi, in search of answers why Tara was lying about her identity. Mega snooze fest! Less talking. More girl on girl action!

That’s more like it!

Sook walks into Merlotte’s, leaving Jason a message asking for his help with Beel, who’s gone off the deep end and is drunk with power. It’s kind of a stretch that she’d turn to Jason and not Alcide for help. Seems like a cheap plot point. Sook then asks “Sam” aka Tommy for the day off. And instead of rolling over and playing dead like Sam always does, Tommy grows a pair for the first time and actually tells Sook to take a hike – she’s FIRED! LOL. I gotta say, mayjah props to Sam Trammell for his dual role transformation. He has a totally different stance, walk, and even voice when he’s Tommy in Sam’s body. It’s like watching Anna Torv channelling Leonard Nimoy on Fringe. Love!

Sook busts into Jason’s place and – shock of shocks – finds him handcuffed to the bed! But for once, he’s done it to himself. He’s convinced he’s gonna turn into a were-panther at the full moon. Sook’s like, “Hey, dummy, don’t you think the handcuffs will slip off once your hands turn into paws?” Then she’s all, “How is this my life?!”

How many episodes is Jason gonna be chained up in bed for this season?!

Alcide comes homes to find Debbie all cozy with that skeezy packmaster. Seems she’s in need of some community and socializing, and she joined the pack without consulting Alcide first. Alcide’s pissed, but tries to be a good boyfriend for Deb and agrees to go for a moonlight run with them.

Trash.

Cut to later that night. There’s a full moon out, and for once it’s not Beel’s, Eric’s, Alcide’s, Sam’s, or Jason’s. (Darn!)

Down in Beel’s prison, Marni’s gone totes cuckoo, and is cutting herself in an attempt to make a blood sacrifice to her goddess. Antonia returns and treats Marni to a flashback where that horrible vamp Luis was torturing, biting, and raping her. Ugh! Ok, so her beef with the vamps is legit. I’ll give her THAT. In the next flashback we see Antonia’s final spell, where she used necromancy to make 20 vamps walk into the sunlight and die. Marni wakes up, only to find herself now FULLY possessed by the wacked-out spirit of Antonia!

My Antonia!

Lala is incredulous that Jesus is waiting for their animal sacrifice to come to THEM. But sho nuf, there’s some scary ass music, and all of a sudden Jesus reaches down and grabs a rattlesnake with his bare hands!! Ick! I thought he was adept at handling trouser snakes, not real ones!

Sook keeps Jason company as he waits for his inevitable transformation. He’s scared and doesn’t want to be anything more than just a red-blooded normal American guy. God bless! Sook’s an idiot, and as soon as she turns her back for a second to fetch Jason a fresh beer, he’s disappeared into the woods! Sook grabs the rifle like she’s “Annie Get Your Gun” and chases after him.

Tara brings Naomi to Merlotte’s for a bite to eat, and she’s in a royal crabby patty mood cuz 1) she’s stuck in vamp Jessica’s section, and 2) the second she tries to order, Jessica suddenly bares her fangs and disappears out the door! Does this mean that there’s no one waiting on tables tonight at Merlotte’s??  Rood!!

Speaking of “Merlotte,” Tommy is chillin’ in Sam’s trailer (why? that’s dumb!) when Luna shows up, hornier than a schoolboy. Sam/Tommy tries to push her off, but when she rips her top off, Tommy is hard-pressed to turn her down, and does the unthinkable by sleeping with his brother’s girlfriend!!! What a lil body-snatching prick!!

Whoa! Oh, my gawrsh! Them’s boobies!!

Jason’s stumbling blindly and wildly through the woods when he gets spooked by a rustling in the bushes. Turns out it’s just Jessica, who sensed his fear and came to his rescue. Jason has a full-on panic attack and Jessica tries to calm him down. Of course, this is Jason we’re talking about, and he finds his happy place by staring at her rack! Jessica then decides to keep poor, dumb, pretty Jason company for awhile.

Again with the boobs? Men are so predictable sometimes!

Now Sook’s wandering around in the woods by her lonesome when there’s another rustling in the bushes. What is this? Some frickin’ Shakespearean comedy about faeries and mistaken identities?? The rustling turns out to be Debbie and Alcide on their way to the pack meeting. Rilly?! Shreveport’s like way down the road from Bon Temps. Why didn’t they just drive? This is just silly. But Sook uses the opportunity to ask Alcide about were-panthers, and she learns that they can’t be made, they’re only born. PHEW! This means our darling Jason will remain safe and sound. And human!

Tommy may be wearing Sam’s skin, but he’s still a horrible person through and through, and as soon as his sexy time with Luna’s over, he rudely tosses her out of the trailer on her ass. Luna leaves in a confused huff, and Tommy starts groaning and moaning with stomach pains, then pukes his runty lil guts up in the sink.

Jason comes to the realization that he got hosed by those myth-crazy Hot Shot retards, and that he won’t be turning into a were-panther. He confesses that he’s never felt special, but Jessica is so cute and sweet, and her kind words actually make Jason feel like a million bucks. They share this really tender moment together, and I feel awful for saying this, cuz I’m such a Jessica-Hoyt fan, but now I’m rooting for Jessica and Jason to be an item!!

Love is in the air!

Beel’s enjoying a lil moonlight air when Eric is brought out before him, humbled and ready to accept the true death!! Eric asks for only one thing – that Pam be released, and that Sook know he went to his death truly knowing what love meant thanks to her. Beel’s ready to stake his arch enemy, when Eric’s words seem to have an effect on his icy heart…

Back at Grandpa Brujo’s shack, the crazy old burro does some icky blood sacrifice / Patron tequila shot over a makeshift fire. He calls it “magic.” I call it “Friday night.” Anyhoo, the flames roar, his face contorts into a freaky mask (like Lala’s nightmare of Jesus last season) and he makes the rattlesnake bite Jesus in the neck… all in the name of some protection spell. Jesus starts sputtering, Lala’s freaked out, and Brujo and his preggo girlfriend simply walk out of the room and lock the door! Huh?! As if that isn’t weird enough, Lala gets possessed by some SVU burn-victim Mexican ghost who was lurking in the corner, and in a Spanish accent, manages to calm Jesus down.

Who the heck is Tio Luca?! And why is everyone getting possessed this season?!

The real Sam Shady walks into his trailer and finds dumbass Tommy passed out in a puddle of his own vomit.

Outside Merlotte’s, Tara and Naomi are sharing a cigarette as a sort of effigy for the dearly departed “Toni.” Just as Naomi says she’s looking forward to getting to know the real Tara, a vengeful, rotting Pam comes roaring out of the darkness, fangs bared, hellbent on revenge!!!

I love Pam… but that love has its limits!

Over at Beel’s, Luis is watching Marni on the monitors, and her face contorts into an evil grin. Now, either Luis is under the power of necromancy, or he’s the world’s biggest IDIOT, cuz he decides to march down to Marni’s prison cell to go confront her face to face. By the time he realizes it’s Antonia, it’s WAY too late. Two mumbo jumbo words from her, and he’s crumbled at her feet like a puppy. “Ya little fuck!” she grumbles. LOL.

“You mess with the bull, and you get the horns!”

Once again, Sook’s traipsing through the woods alone like a moron, when there’s someone behind her. OMG! It’s Eric!! All he says is, “The king set me free,” and before you know it, they’re slobbering all over each other and have hot, wild, naked time right there in the moonlit woods!!!

All’s well that ends well!

So…yeah. The episode was… decent. But considering there was a full moon out, I expected a helluva lot more chills and thrills, and instead I got stupid Sook wandering through the woods for half an hour. Sure, the possession stuff was great. And who doesn’t love a good outdoor sex romp? But it was not this season’s finest hour. What did you all think? Where do you think this Andy / Holly romance is headed? How will Sam react to Tommy boffing his chick? When will Jason and Jessica give in to their feelings? It’s pretty safe to assume that Pam’s gonna kill Naomi, right? And what does Antonia have up her wiccan sleeves??? Leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading!