True Blood: Oh, Oh, Oh, It’s Tragic!

After weeks of teasing me with mediocre installments, True Blood roared to ferocious life last night with an amazing episode jam-packed with magic, murder, and mayhem! The show laid bare its cards on the table with Marni’s possession and Antonia’s wicked endgame. And one twisty cliffhanger after another just left me salivating for more!!

Katrina walks into Beel’s prison dungeon to the sounds of a scuffle going on. She thinks Luis is about to snack on Marni, so she goes in alone, guns blazing, trying to subdue the ugly, bald sheriff. Unfortch, this was all just a riveting skit, as Luis is under Antonia’s necromantic control. Within two seconds, the tables are turned, Luis glamours Katrina into having the guards stand down, and then Antonia orders her new pet dog Luis to kill the treasonous, blond mole.

“No! Please Mr. Vampire Face! I want to be in next week’s episode!”

On her way out, Marni asks Luis to relay a message to Queen Beel: “I am Antonia habla espanol de la grande muerte tacos y burritos con el accento terrible. And I am returned!” Sorry, my little Spanish witchy-poo, but the correct verb tense is “I HAVE returned.” Where was she raised? The 1600′s? Yeesh!

Pam does an admirable job of roughing up Tara and her “yellowtail” girlfriend. I’m assuming that was some sort of Asian racist slur. LOL. Tara returns the favor by taking out a chunk of Pam’s head and hair with a tire iron. Naomi bolts, and Pam’s about to kill Scissor Sister Tara when a bunch of fatties from Merlotte’s come out with their camera phones, threatening to send the video attack to TMZ. While it’s funny, they kind of already hit this beat in the first episode of the season, so it kinda lost its… bite. Pun intended. Pam whispers a threat in Tara’s ear and disappears. Personally, I really wanted her to kill Tara so we could finally be rid of her annoying butt.

Skin hasn’t cleared up yet, huh? Tough break, hon!

Lala and Jesus yell at grandpa brujo for that whole snake bite stunt. Brujo’s all, “Pipe down, you two! I was busy porking my wife, Carnitas.” He explains that he had to do it in order to prove Lala’s magical powers as a medium. Lala’s all, “Who? ME?!” Um, duh, stoopid! “Tienes la magica!” the burro whispers. I half expected Lala to break out into a Cajun rendition of, “I’ve got the magic – in MEE!” When he didn’t, I was forced to start singing it myself in my living room.  In my underwear.  Ok, TMI.

That skeezebag wolfpack master shmears some dead deer blood on Debbie and Alcide’s foreheads, thus initiating them into the pack. Debbie’s stoked. Alcide could give two shits, and goes off to sulk over Sook. Debbie’s annoyed that he’s being such a… Debbie Downer. Pun intended again. She agrees to spare 10 minutes to help search for the perennial damsel in distress. They hear Sook moaning, but it’s not what they think – it’s Eric pounding her like a filet of meat! And they just stand there staring, watching the free porn show!

Jealous much? I’m talking to both of you!

Queen Beel’s enjoying a nice highball of blood in his office when Luis, still under Antonia’s control, comes in and tries to assassinate him!! Beel gets shot in the tummy and tumbles backwards, and I was SO stoked – hoping he’d be dead, too! Alas, Beel shoots Luis in the arm, and then they both wrestle for a silver dagger. Beel demands to know more about Antonia and her message, but Luis drives the dagger into himself and whispers, “Resurrection.” Then poof, he’s a giant bloody mess all over Beel’s gorgeous designer rug.

Um, clean-up on aisle seven!

Naomi wants to run away with Tara, but Tara confesses that there will never be any kind of real escape from Pam and all the vamps. She makes Naomi leave town without her – for her own safety. Naomi leaves. Tara cries. Lots of Scissor Sister drama and tears. Zzz.

Jason’s doing some shirtless pushups (sweet!) in an attempt to push all those yummy, steamy thoughts about Jessica out of his mind. Just then, there’s a knock at the door, and it’s Hoyt. Did anyone notice how Hoyt is like, a good foot taller than Jason? LOL. I’ve seen Ryan Kwanten in person, and I love him dearly, but he’s a shortie, for sure! Hoyt wants to make sure his buddy’s coping well, and Jason just wants to keep turning the convo back to Jessica. Hoyt lays the charm and guilt on pretty thick – thicker than their Southern accents! “I can’t lose her!” he whines. The knife in Jason’s side twists a little deeper.

Oh, my! That’s one tall bitch!

Beel downloads Jessica on the Cliff’s Notes version of Antonia – evil witch who was burned at the stake in 1610 because she had the power to control vampires. Except Stephen Moyer pronounces it “vam-pie-yas” and his acting is so atrosh it sends chills up my spine. Queen Beel uses her feminine intuition to piece things together: Antonia has returned from beyond the grave, and is possessing Marni’s body in order to bring about her endgame: a deadly plan to force all of the vampires to walk into the sun and DIE! Beel then commands his other sheriffs to order a mass evacuation of Louisiana’s vampires. Those who remain behind (conveniently including all of our major characters) are to bind themselves with silver in their coffins so they can’t get out. It’s a clever, but painful plan.

Best part of the ep: Eric and Sook literally eff their way back into the house. What follows is a delicious montage of all the hot sex they have in literally every room of the house. Completely gratuitous. Completely unnecessary. Completely welcome!!

I needs a cigarette after watching this scene!

Pam turns to that funny, little midget vamp doctor lady for a healing spa treatment on her skin. Except the doc ends up ripping all of the rotting flesh off of her face!! Apparently, the best she can do is remove the rotting skin, but Pam’s still decomposing on the inside. Without a witch’s spell, her best prescription is some kooky vial of ooze – 6 shots, 4 times a day – FOREVER! Pam lets out the most amazing, guttural grunt I’ve ever heard. LOL.

Whoever said beauty is pain made the biggest understatement of life!

Sam’s at the hospital with Tommy. And despite a high temp and all that puke, Tommy’s vitals seem to check out, so the doc releases the lil runt into Sam’s care.

Beel pays a lil social visit to Eric and Sook, who obviously are both exuding that obvious, unmistakable “We just had sex” glow. With the awkwardness behind them, Beel sits them down and explains the current sitch involving Antonia. He knows Eric won’t evacuate, so he dumps out a bunch of silver chains on the coffee table and implores Sook to bind her lover, or else the next day will be his last on Earth!

Sook’s hair looks amazing! She should get laid more often!!

Tara’s drunk and stumbling down the road, when she hears a noise in the woods, and she’s convinced it’s Pam, stalking her prey. Turns out it’s just that old hag Marni, aka Antonia, who can sense a kindred spirit in Tara, who like her, has been raped and tortured by the vamps. After a little Vulcan mind meld (to her breasts) Antonia is able to recruit Tara into her plan by promising her retribution for all the pain and suffering the vamps have caused. Hmm. I never thought Tara would succumb so quickly to any cult-like following. But then I’ve never been raped. At least not against my will…

Vulcan breast meld.

Queen Beel has her security guards block out all the windows with thick duvatene and tape. He then has himself and Jessica bound in silver down in the prison cells. Poor Jess looks like an angry little girl who’s been sent to bed without supper.

Sook has to use extra silver chains on Eric, since he’s the oldest and strongest vamp she knows.

Meanwhile, Pam’s little henchwoman helps her with her injections. Aside from a strange, purple, amphibious appearance, Pam looks like she’s well on the road to recovery. Her henchwoman tucks her into her cotton candy pink Barbie coffin and tosses a chainmail blanket over her face. LOL.

Pam?! Is that you?!

The next day, it’s all bright and sunny and cheery in Bon Temps. At Merlotte’s, Lala tells Jesus that he didn’t enjoy being a human puppet for his dead uncle. Jesus tells Lala that being a medium for the dead is a serious, powerful thing. Only Lala and Marni seem to possess this power. Hmm. Maybe Lala will be the one who has to take down Antonia when the season finale rolls around??

Sam calls Luna to be all cute and call her gorgeous. Of course, she’s still royally pissed about “Sam” (aka Tommy) tossing her out of his trailer after doing the deed with him. “EFF YOU!” she screams into the phone, and hangs up. LOL.

The nerve of some shifters!

Tara and the hippie Wiccans work their way through Merlotte’s like Jehovah’s witnesses, trying to recruit people left and right. Holly’s apprehensive at first, but agrees to join the circle.

Bloodied and chained, Beel apologizes to Jessica for turning her into a vamp and getting her into this mess. She tells him that she’s lived a fuller life as a vamp than she ever did as a human. Aww. When he tells her to keep Hoyt in her heart, she admits that she doesn’t know if she can go back to him after this, because she doesn’t love him as much as he loves her. Hmm. She must have a little Jason Stackhouse on the brain!

Sam shows up at Luna’s school to apologize for whatever it is that obviously has her panties in a twist. She’s like, “Are you retarded? Do you not remember having sex and kicking me out like an asshole?” Sam’s a little slow, but the lightbulb FINALLY goes off in his head, and he realizes that Tommy must have shifted into him and seduced Luna. (Kudos to the writers for not stretching out this storyline for too long!) When Luna realizes that she slept with the ugly kid brother, they both look like they’re gonna vomit on each other.

Try not to lose you lunch, kiddies!

Arlene, with baby Mikey in tow on her back like a friggin’ papoose, gives Holly a ration of shiz for the fact that Sheriff Andy is waiting up front for her in a monkey suit and holding a dozen roses. Holly’s all, “Crap! I was hoping he’d forget I promised him a date!” She readjusts her tits and goes out all smiles. Andy’s such a charmer he tells her that he got the roses on sale. LOL. He then trips out on V withdrawl and basically bungles the rest of the date, and then leaves in a hurry – with the roses!

“Lucky me! I got a 40 year old virgin!”

Lala tries playing peek-a-boo with Mikey with his flamboyant courtesan fan. When Mikey looks away (I don’t blame him) Lala turns around and gets spooked by that creepy, 1930′s black ghost woman. Lala tells her to go, but she ignores him, and instead starts singing some wacko French-Creole song to Mikey.

“I sing dead people.”

Once again, Debbie tries to use sex to make Alcide forget all about that gosh darn Sookeh. (I’d post a pic of shirtless Alcide, but Debbie’s meth-ridden face would just ruin it.) Alcide promises her that she’s the only girl he loves. Ugh. Liar liar no pants on fire!

Tara, Holly, and the other Wiccans are waiting patiently when all of a sudden, the candles light up, the doors fly open, and “Marni” walks in. Antonia then introduces herself to the group with a very rousing, passionate speech about taking back their freedom from the vamps. I half-expected her to shmear half her face with blue war paint, but alas.

Tommy wakes up with a start to find Sam watching him intensely. Sam’s like, “Cat’s out of the bag, lil bro.” He then wonders if Tommy planned to kill him, too, so he could take over the bar, steal Luna, and get away with his scheme to steal Mrs. Foytenberry’s land. Tommy denies it, but Sam tries to choke him to death anyways. He relents, but tells Tommy he has two minutes to pack his bags and leave – FOREVER. What annoys me most is how pissy Tommy looks, as if Sam is being the unreasonable, bad guy here. Um, guess again, runt!

Finish him, damnit!!

Antonia and her Wiccan circle begin their chanting. Antonia even starts to levitate!

Nice, little parlor trick, lady. Whatever happened to Kumbaya?

Jason walks into Sook’s house and asks why she’s covered in blood. Suddenly, a witchy gust of wind rattles the house, and Sook explains about Marni’s spell to kill all the vamps. She tells him that Eric won’t survive unless she stays by his side through this ordeal. For once, the light bulb goes off pretty quickly in Jason’s thick skull, and he immediately starts running in the direction of Beel’s mansion to save his beloved Jessica.

What follows next is a hilarious montage of all the vamps struggling against their silver confines, as the spell beckons them all into the sunlight.

This is my favorite shot!!

Mrs. Foytenberry happens to witness one unlucky fat bitch vamp (her neighbor Beula) burst into flames as she sets foot outside her home into the sun. The best part though is instead of screaming in horror, Mrs. Foytenberry hisses, “I KNEW it!” LMAO.

It’s getting’ hot in hurrrre!

Unfortch, Jessica manages to break free of her silver chains. She then steals the keys off a stupid guard, frees herself from her silver prison, and starts to stagger up the stairs…

More chanting.

More wind-blown hair.

Jason makes a run for it across the front lawn of Beel’s estate, but gets tackled by an armed guard who whips out a pistol! Inside, Jessica makes it to the front door, just as we hear a gun being fired outside! OMG! Not Jason!! And that’s when Jessica opens the door and exclaims, “The sun!!”

Noooo!!!!

And fade to white! Holy shiz balls, everyone! That was helluva doozy of a cliffhanger!! Now, I’m no dummy… (certain evidence to the contrary) but I think it’s safe to assume that Jason was NOT shot. And I’m fairly certain that Jessica is NOT dead. But what if?! Major props to Alan Ball and co. for not making us wait until the season finale for Marni’s endgame. But it’s only episode 7! We have 5 more to go! I can’t even begin to predict how the rest of the season is going to play out now! Who is that black ghost?! What tricks does Tommy have up his sleeve? Will Eric ever get his memory back? Will Pam ever get her face back? So many questions! Feel free to leave your own! And thanks for reading! Xoxo, SlifeGoesOn