Hello, Gasmii! First of all, I have to admit that I was not always a fan of True Blood! I tried desperately to get into it first season, and every time I tuned in to HBO, that damn gap-toothed Anna Paquin was screaming hysterically, and not acting very well. I tuned in again during second season, and some pagan woman with a goat head was running amok in the woods. I was like, what the hell IS this show?! After enough friends told me that I was crazy for not watching, I decided to bite the bullet and give it one last try before season three premiered. Needless to say, I got caught up on season one and two in a week and a half and was suddenly salivating for more campy fun! I am now proud to call myself a FangBanger, and I am deeply honored to take over the True Blood recaps for TVgasm!
I wanna do bad things … with Jason Stackhouse!
Before we dive in, I just wanted to give a quick RIP shout out to our recent, dearly departed. Oh, Franklin! We hardly knew ye! I never quite understood your obsession with Tara, but you will be missed! Lorena, I cannot same the same of you. You are an evil bitch and you deserved far worse than you got! And to my dear, sweet Cooter. I’m only sad I didn’t get to make more fun of your name!
Okay! Now, on with the recap!
Sookie wakes up in the hospital from her lightening bolt coma and (gasp!) starts screaming her head off at the sight of Bill, who nearly drained her within an inch of her life. Tara and hunktastic Alcide rally for support, and Bill decides to bow out of Sookie’s life gracefully.
Talbot throws a delicious hissy fit when Closet King moves Not The Dita into their palatial Mississippi manse. Eric spies a tender “homoment” between the two vamps before informing Closet King that Debbie is waiting in the study. “They killed my Cooter!” she screams, and I burst out laughing. PS, I can’t STAND Debbie! She needs to die a very painful death. Anyways, Closet King talks her down off the ledge.
Crack kills, kids. Stay in school.
When Eric suggests that Sookie is not worth their time, Closet King questions Eric’s loyalty. Eric admits that he has been searching for him for 1,000 years (for revenge) … but lies and says he has been longing for a true leader. Closet King can’t help but fall for the faux flattery.
What else can Eric do down there on his knees?
While lying in bed with her fiance, Arlene envisions Rene singing a lullaby to her unborn child. She fears that Rene’s blood will cause her baby to grow up to be a serial killer just like his daddy, and she wakes up screaming.
Jessica is excited to have Bill back home, but Bill is in no mood to babysit, and as her Maker, frees her of his custody. Jessica refuses to leave, and refuses to be alone. Bill may not be able to protect Sookie, but he decides to repent by taking Jessica back under his wing. Aww! What a good daddy!
Sookie refuses to talk about her feelings, and Alcide refuses to leave her side. They share a sweet moment until Sookie ruins it by mentioning Debbie’s name. Just then, Sheriff Andy and “Deputy” Jason bust in, trying to get Sookie to press charges against Bill for “domestic something.” I’m wishing she’d press Jason and Alcide to take their shirts off. But Sookie refuses, saying only that she and Bill are over for good.
“What do you mean I have to wear my shirt for once?!”
Lafayette tries to coax the truth about Mississippi out of Tara with a foot rub, but she ain’t falling for it. Tara tries to wash her worries away with a gratuitous rub sesh in the shower, but Franklin creeps in, and it seems Arlene isn’t the only one haunted by an ex! Tara wakes up with a start.
Sam smells a dirty mutt on his doorstep, and it turns out to be his naked mom. She’s come to pack her bags and say goodbye to her bitter sons. Tommy gives her the cold shoulder, and I don’t blame him, after those awful dog fights. Ever the bleeding heart, Sam gives her the cash in his wallet. The ungrateful bitch says that won’t get her far, and he finally gives her the boot.
Whatever you do, Sam, don’t look down!
Lafayette comes home to find his crazy mom (the amazing Alfre Woodard) has escaped from the hospital, hellbent on protecting her son from vamps and other evils that are “after him.”
Sookie can’t even enjoy a little sunbathing without breaking down into tears. Tara lies down next to Sookie and calls her one of those dumb bitches in a country song who lets their man beat on them in the name of love. “Let me tell you something. At the end of those songs, the dumb bitches always end up dead!” HA! That’s the smartest thing that’s ever come out of Tara’s mouth.
Crystal shows up at Jason’s doorstep sporting a nasty shiner. She’s dripping wet from swimming there so “they” couldn’t track her scent. Jason, of course, thinks this is merely drug dealer speak.
A Franklin flashback causes Tara to drop a bottle of True Blood and curse like a sailor. “That’s Tara. She’s all bark and – well, she bites, too,” Arlene tells the new waitress, Holly, who doesn’t seem to mind that all of her predecessors have met grisly ends. She’s got three mouths to feed! PS, she is by far the fugliest woman in all of Bon Temps! But somehow she knows that Arlene is secretly pregnant, so atleast she’s interesting!
A face that only asphalt could love.
Jason gets giddy when he finds out that Crystal got punched by her fiance when she told him that she no longer wanted to marry him. He says she makes him feel like home, and then he gets all nice and cozy up in her biz-nass!
Despite his mother’s protests, Lafayette un-barricades his front door to let in Jesus, who has come looking for Regine. Lafayette tries to apologize and get his flirt on with his big ‘ol cow eyes, but Regine spoils the mood by wielding a kitchen knife like a crazy person, aka herself. She refuses to go back to the hospital because she has to protect Lafayette from the bad people who want his “powers.” Hmm. I love how schizophrenic people on TV are always able to see past our own reality. Maybe she’s on to something?? Jesus calms her down and gets the knife away, then sits Regine down for a little mind-numbing TV.
You’re not crazy, eh? All evidence to the contrary!
Not The Dita’s human pet is taking a stroll through their new manse in her lingerie when Eric grabs her and insists that she deliver a message to her cousin Sookie.
Alcide is pissed that Debbie and her “pack of were-trash” burned down his sister’s hair salon. He has to stop her from hurting anyone else he loves. Sookie refuses to run away from her troubles, and stand her ground. Sookie wonders aloud why she didn’t fall in love with someone like Alcide, and he says they’re just too stupid. They share a tender embrace, and the way he gently sniffs her neck is way hotter than any sloppy kissing I’ve seen between her and Bill.
Subtle. Sweet. Seductive!
At Merlotte’s, Sam tells Tommy to keep an eye on Tara. Hoyt walks in, and I can’t help but melt when I see this lovable doofus! PS, his scenes with Summer last week were some of the funniest moments of the season! Anywho, Hoyt and Tommy get into a bit of a pissing contest over Jessica, and it’s cute how Tommy doesn’t seem fazed by his pint-sized stature next to Hoyt’s hulking frame. Sam breaks it up and has Tara give Hoyt a beer on the house while he cools Tommy’s jets in the back.
Short. Scrappy. Stupid!
Bill is busy showing Jessica some Matrix style moves to better protect herself, and lil’ miss ginger ain’t half bad. Bill still whoops her ass though. They take a break so that Jessica can yell at Bill about abandoning his love for Sookie. But then she goes all gushy and starts talking about how Hoyt deserves better than her. Aww!
You learn well, young ginger grasshopper.
Sookie is moping over a mostly empty photo album of her and Bill when there’s a noise behind her and she grabs for her shotgun. But it’s only her cousin Hadley, who’s been gone so long that she doesn’t even know that Gran is dead!! After some tears, Hadley finally relays her message to Sookie from Eric: “Russell is coming. Don’t trust Bill.” Hmm. Cryptic. Stalwart Sookie refuses to leave. Hadley apologizes and flees, but not before Sookie hears her thoughts, “I’m the one that told them about you. All my fault.”
Talbot throws another hissy fit when Russell says he has to leave for business and starts smashing all of the artifacts in the study. He’s about to destroy Eric’s father’s Nordic crown, when Eric rushes in with a solution, offering up himself as a substitute to keep Talbot entertained. Much like Talbot, my curiosity is suddenly piqued. Closet King says he is positively jealous, which seals the deal for Talbot. Closet King then mouths thank you to Eric, as Talbot starts salivating, and Eric starts sweating bullets.
My, what a big cock ring you have, Eric!
Crystal fears for her life as she and Jason share a post-coital cuddle. Jason’s bravado is interrupted by Crystal’s growling stomach. He tells her to go wash that sex smell off of her and he’ll rustle up some grub for them. And by grub, he means grabbing a shotgun and heading off to confront her meth-face daddy.
Tommy’s getting scoped out by two trashy cougars at the bar when Sam smells trouble walk in to Merlotte’s. Speak of the white trash devil! It’s Crystal’s daddy and her meth-face fiance, looking for Crystal. Tommy is itching for a fight after they call Sam a “shifter” but luckily, crisis is averted.
Isn’t trash supposed to be taken out through the back door?
Lafayette finally gets his mom down for the night. Jesus tries to pull a one-man after-school special on Lafayette about the danger of drugs, and then moves in for a steamy lil makeout sesh.
Meanwhile, things are heating up in Mississippi as Talbot grows bored with playing chess and commands Eric to take off his clothes. Eric obligingly strips off his shirt, and I realize that this must be the much-rumored about gay sex scene that everyone has been waiting for. (Myself included.) Talbot literally gets a hard-on (his fangs spring to attention) when he spies Eric’s washboard abs. Before you know it, the two are going at it like jack rabbits!
Jason shows up at the abandoned meth den, looking for Crystal’s dad. He walks into the barn and spies a pool of blood. There is literally music playing from the Deliverance soundtrack. Jason follows the blood schmear to the back where some crazy naked dude is making a snack out of a dead deer. Jason runs outside and confronts Crystal’s dad, who warns him that he has no idea what he’s messing with. Jason puts up a good front, but papa’s evil laughter has me worried.
Dude, you got a little something on your chin.
Sookie stands guard at her window with her shotgun, and jumps when she hears howling in the distance. Suddenly, her house is besieged by two werewolves, followed by that crazy bitch Debbie, hellbent on revenge. One werewolf takes on Bill, while Jessica pops out and tackles the other. Debbie makes a beeline up the stairs and kicks Sookie’s door in. Sookie talks a big game with her gun, but it’s not long before Debbie’s wrestled it away, and now they are on even footing. Sookie delivers a mean backhand, but Debbie responds with a right hook.
Bill has killed his werewolf, and he warns Jessica not to chase hers out of the house, but Lil’ Red is too headstrong, and she falls right into Closet King’s trap! Closet King wants to trade the red one for the blonde one. Bill would rather settle this like men than play “Sookie’s Choice.” When Closet King starts feeding on poor Jessica, Bill asks if he is a coward or just lazy. Jessica gets tossed by the wayside, and then runs for her life as Gus the werewolf chases her through the woods.
That’s gonna leave a nasty hickie!
Before Bill can say “overwrought acting,” the Closet King has him pinned beneath the silver spur of his boot. (The gays love their accessories!)
Meanwhile, Debbie smashes a chair over Sookie. Sookie retaliates by shoving Debbie into a mirror. More punches! Sookie tackles Debbie on the bed and pummels her face. Debbie wrestles Sookie to the floor and smashes her head into the floor, then chokes her. Naturally, there’s a pair of scissors lying conveniently on the floor, and Sookie slashes Debbie across the face.
Ladies, please! There’s plenty of me to go around!
Bill is getting his ass kicked … just as Talbot is about to get his pleasured. Eric tells him to roll over. “Yes, daddy!” Talbot says breathlessly. BEST LINE OF THE EPISODE.
Kiss Kiss! Fang Fang!
While Talbot is moaning seductively, Eric tells him, “Russell took my family. Now I take his!” Talbot realizes too late what Eric is up to, and Eric slams his stake down through Talbot, with blood spraying everywhere! Adios, Talbot!
Nice “O” face.
Closet King can feel Talbot’s life slip away. He screams in agony and flies away, leaving Bill writhing in pain on the ground. Sookie grabs her shotgun back and fires a warning shot at Debbie’s head. Debbie leaps out the window, and Sookie watches a white werewolf scamper away.
Sook is one bad-ass, gun-totin’ mama!
Hoyt drives home in tears, and I suddenly get very nervous that he’s gonna have a deadly run-in with Debbie. Instead, he unwittingly drives past Jessica savagely devouring werewolf Gus in the bushes.
Bill runs upstairs to Sookie and all bets are off! (So are their clothes!) Forget the breakup! These two go at it with the most torrid sex scene this show has ever seen!! Before you know it, the episode is over, and I’m the one saying, “Please, daddy, can I have some more?!”
Best episode of the season, BY FAR! What did you think? Leave your comments!