True Blood: Season of the Bitch

Last night’s episode of True Blood was the best one yet of the season! It had humor, heart, mystery, suspense, action, sex, murder, and lots of shirtless men! It also taught us a very valuable lesson about women: Don’t piss a bitch off! Not mothers, grandmothers, girlfriends, wives, vampires, witches, were-panthers, shifters, baby dolls, lesbians, and least of all – Sookie!

Having drained and killed Claudine, Eric slumps over in the dirt, giving Sook a fright. But he’s right back up on his feet in no time – and apparently DRUNK on faery blood! He gooses Sook on the butt a few times before running off into the woods for a fun lil romp.

Drunk Eric? This just gets funner and funner!

Bill grills Pam about Eric’s whereabouts. Of course she lies to protect Eric, and they trade vicious barbs. Beel is such a turd.

Over at Hot Shot, Jason is still getting raped left and right by hillbilly tramps. He yells at some hot blonde mess to get off of him, and she starts sobbing that he’s the best lay she’s ever had. Um, am I supposed to have sympathy for a rapist??

Nice granny panties!

Next up for a ride on Jason’s schlong is that dopey girl Becky who has a crush on him. Jason doesn’t want to commit counter-statutory rape, despite that toothless old grandpa shouting, “Breed, Ghost Daddy! Breed!” I am seriously about to vomit. Becky threatens to cut off Jason’s weener if he doesn’t comply, but luckily he convinces the little yokel virgin to save herself for love and help set him free. Jason pulls up his pants, clobbers gran-pappy, and makes a run for it.

Don’t make me go all Lorena Bobbitt on your ass!

Beel gets a total tongue-lashing from Nan over this missing Eric / necromancer mess. Beel drops another reference to the Spanish Inquisition, which I find curious. Nan thinks Beel is over-reacting as usual, and demands he find Eric and clean up the mess asap, without shedding a single drop of human blood. “How many retired kings do you know?” she politely threatens. Hehehe.

Marni’s trying to get a little shut-eye, but her dreams get interrupted by the witchy goddess, who treats her to a little flashback to the – AHA! – Spanish Inquisition, where she gets burned alive at the stake. Well, duh. I mean, she is a witch after all!

Hammy acting at its finest. Loves it!

Ok, so I get why the witchy goddess is pissed, obvi. But why is she angry at vamps? Shouldn’t her beef be with the Church? Or atleast the Spaniards? Why has she chosen to possess Marni in Louisiana??

Um, you got a little shmutz on your face there, sweets.

Alcide shows up on Sook’s door. Immediately, I’m like, “Why are his clothes still on?” And then miracle of miracles, it’s like Alcide could hear me through the TV, and without warning, he starts stripping it ALL off! Wow! We discover that in addition to a flawless physique, Alcide doesn’t seem to like wearing undies. Which is fine by me! Alcide morphs into a werewolf and chases off in Eric’s direction, with Sook trailing behind.

Dear readers… You’re welcome! Hehehe

Maxine waddles into Merlotte’s and starts quarreling with Sam because that little runt Tommy seems to have disappeared.

Filton figures out that Becky’s lying about losing her virginity, and he flips his shiz when he discovers that Jason has escaped from Hot Shot. He tells Crystal that all bets are off, that he plans to rip Jason to shreds and kill him, and he morphs into a were-panther and runs off.

Jesus, Lala, and Tara do their damnedest to persuade a difficult Marni to reverse the spell she cast on Eric. Marni explains that she isn’t exactly calling the shots when it comes to her own body – that the goddess cast the spell, not her. They try some chanting, but it’s no use.

Sook and Alcide stop by the side of a lake where they discover Eric frolicking naked in the water like a drunk frat boy who fancies himself a water nymph. The two naked dudes square off (obviously over Sook) and it’s one of the hottest scenes in the entire series. LOL.

Dear readers… You’re welcome AGAIN!

Eric’s fangs are bared, and Alcide is growling, both ready to attack, when Eric suddenly succumbs to the heat of the sun, and starts to fry. Sook manages to wrap the blanket around Eric, and Alcide helps them get home safely.

With Filton meowing like a bitch in the distance, Jason rips off his shirt (for no reason, but who cares!) grabs a stick, shmears dirt on his chest, and continues making a run for it.

Tommy has apparently run back to the open arms of his trailer trash mother, who tells him that she finally had the guts to leave her abusive ex, Joe Lee. When Tommy presses her for details, she plays coy, and I’m wondering if maybe she poisoned him or somehow killed him in order to escape. She changes the topic, and Tommy impresses his mom with the fact that he can read now. “No you cannot!” she exclaims. LOL. What’s next? His ability to wipe his own ass??

“Remember when everyone said you was stupid? And we said you wasn’t?” What a shitty mother!

Sam makes a surprise visit at his girlfriend’s house, but she doesn’t seem very pleased by his spontaneity. She tries to hustle him out the door – and I’m guessing she has a husband, but it turns out she has a daughter! The plot thickens. Sam invites himself in to play Barbies with them.

Sook helps tuck Eric into bed in his little cubby. He wants her to stay with him, and Alcide listens jealously from above. Sook tells him she can’t, and Alcide seems relieved. Aww! Someone has a lil crushy crush! Alcide gives her grief about Eric, and she gives him grief in return about Debbie. Luckily, they hug it out. As friends. Friends with sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife!

Jason’s hiding up in a tree, sharpening his stick into lethal point. When kitty cat Filton saunters underneath, Jason Geronimo’s down and stabs Filton to death. Filton shifts back into his naked, human form, just as Crystal comes up, morphs into her naked human form, titties flopping out, and kicks Filton’s dead body. She’s excited to be “Big Mama Kitty” now, but Jason wants nothing to do with her crazy ass. He runs off, with her screaming that she’ll see him soon… “Full moon!” she warns. Uh oh!

Mee-oww!  That’s gotta hurt!

Beel’s nervous as hell to meet Portia’s granny, Caroline Bellefleur. Imagine my surprise when in walks MONA from “Who’s the Boss” aka Katherine Helmond! Caroline entertains Beel by making a sport out of embarrassing poor Andy, and I gotta admit, it’s pretty funny.

“Who’s the Boss? Well, it sure as sugar ain’t that Jonathan kid!”

Sam wins brownie points with his girlfriend for winning over her daughter. She’s nervous about raising a shifter daughter – especially when her ex is a werewolf. Who is this chick?! She is a walking mess! A hot mess, but a mess nonetheless. The question is… who is this mysterious, jealous ex she speaks of?? And will Sam be able to hold his own against him??

Marni’s just about to give up on finding the proper spell in all of her wacky books, when a book literally jumps right off the shelf at her feet. Impressive lil parlor trick there, witchy goddess. Marni finds the spell, as Tara decides to call Pam.

Debbie can smell “wolf” on Alcide’s shirt, so he quickly explains his 911 call from Sook and the whole sitch with Eric. Deb pretends to be all understanding, but you can tell she’s seeting with inner rage that he went running to Sook’s beck and call. She tries to use her slutty feminine wiles to make him forget about Sookie, and you know he wishes he had a paper bag he could put over her head.

“Are you washing your shirts with Tide? Or with whore? Cuz I smell that Stackhouse broad all over you!”

Andy gets tired of Mona spinning yarns, and bounces. Beel sucks up to Mona by recounting family tree stories. They’re going back a few “branches” when they come across the name Elizabeth Harris, and both Beel and Mona gasp. Beel apologizes, and Mona retires with a headache. Portia’s like, “I’m no dummy! WTF is going on?! Beel tries to run away, but she forces a confession from him: Portia is Beel’s great great great great granddaughter. Oh yeah, and they BONED last week!!! Bwahahahahahahaha! It’s so sick…but so hilarious! Serves Beel right for being a douche.

Creepiest scene of the episode alert: Arlene and her kids are asleep on the couch. Terry is holding baby Mikey, and cooing gently to him about how he’s gonna teach his son all these cool, manly things to do like fish and hunt…just as soon as he does his manly duty of fetching the laundry. He leaves baby Mikey on the floor next to that freaky, ugly doll for maybe 5 minutes. And when he comes back, “someone” has scrawled on the wall: BABY NOT YOURS. And Mikey is holding a red marker. Terry’s finally starting to come around to Arlene’s thinking that shiz ain’t right with this kid. Hmmm. My money’s still on that doll!

Hello, Dolly!

Redrum!

Sook finds Eric sulking in his cubby, and she tries to cheer up the old rascal, but he’s not having any of her cheap pandering. He smoothly tells her that he’d snap out of his funk – provided she kiss him. Of course, she plays hard to get, but she’s actually about to pucker up… when there’s a knock at the door. Curses!! Foiled!!

Go on and – keez the gurl! Whoa whoa!

Beel’s at the door, and after some lame flirtations, he tells Sook that his goons haven’t been able to find Eric anywhere, and her house is his only property they haven’t searched. He wants to go in, but Sook refuses. She tells him that she has NEVER lied to him, and her word should be good enough. It’s surprisingly a very powerful, poignant scene, because it’s true, but for once, she IS lying to him. Beel’s about to barge in anyways, but he reconsiders at the last second, and excuses himself. Now, how Eric can sense Beel from 20 feet away, but not vice versa, I’ll never know. But I’ll go with it.

Jason stumbles down the road like a drunk bum, and lays down to die. He nearly gets his head run over by a truck, which turns out to be Hoyt and Jessica! Thank gawrsh! It’s Jessica to the rescue, as she feeds Jason her tasty, healing vamp blood. So, Jason’s fine…but will drinking Jess’ blood cause him to have a lil crushy crush on her now?? Is a love triangle brewing?? Will Jessica and Crystal have to throw down in a fight over Jason?? Now THAT’S a fight I want front row seats for!

Even with bloody fangs, she’s still pretty angelic!

Tommy’s enjoying some precious mama’s boy time around the campfire with his old lady, when he figures out she’s not telling him the whole truth about Joe Lee. That’s when Joe Lee suddenly pops out of the darkness, wraps a choke chain around Tommy’s neck, and threatens to whip him back into obedient submission!

Kinda not feeling very sympathetic for Tommy…

In the final scene, Pam (decked out in one helluva fantastic S&M get-up) is growing VERY impatient with Marni’s idiocracy when it comes to reversing the spell. “Are you f*cking retarded?” she bellows. LMAO. What other show on TV would have the balls to say something that un-PC? “I don’t have time for this!” Pam whines like a bitchy Real Housewife. That’s when Marni is suddenly possessed by the goddess, who chants a spell, and the next thing you know, Pam’s entire face is MELTING away at her fingertips!! It is NASTY as all hell! Pam runs for her life, and Marni cackles to herself, then collapses in a heap! Fade to black!

Before…

And after! Eek!

So.. there you have it! So many awesome twists and turns that I never saw coming! I always love True Blood most when it keeps me guessing and on my toes! What did you all think? And where will this go next week?? Is Pam’s mug permanently damaged? Will Jason turn into a panther? Will Sam rescue Tommy? And who will get to Sook’s luscious lips first: Eric or Alcide?? Leave your questions and comments! Thanks, guys!