True Blood: Spell Hath No Fury

This week’s episode of True Blood was a wild rollercoaster of emotion, filled with one “OMG” and “They did not just do that!” moment after another. After last week’s epic throwdown between the vamps and the witches, it was awesome to see where the battle lines would get drawn, and where all the citizens of Bon Temps would fall. And as the season heads toward an end, it’s cool to see the rich tapestry all start to come together!

The episode picked up right where the last one left off, with Jason seemingly shot, and Jessica about to walk into the sun and meet the true death. Jessica starts to burn and peel. And then, from out of the blinding whiteness…

My hero!

Jason tackles Jessica like a linebacker and they fall to the floor. He kicks the doors shut and tries to wrap her up in this tacky zebra floor rug like some Eskimo baby in a papoose. Jessica’s none too pleased. She flips Jason over and it looks like she’s about to rip his throat out.

“I do NOT do animal prints!”

Antonia’s spell ends, and Jess goes from trying to suck Jason’s blood, to actually sucking face with him! Whoa! I kinda didn’t expect these two to give into their carnal lust so quickly! Jason carries Jess back downstairs, and Queen Beel seems genuinely thankful and eternally indebted to Jason for saving her life. Of course there’s the “sticky” situation that Jessica killed Bucky the guard while spellbound. Jason agrees to turn a blind eye, as long as Beel does the same for the guard that Jason shot outside. Hmm. This smacks of Jason and Andy’s cover-up of Egg’s murder. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite them in the ass. Anyhoo, Jason has to re-silver Jessica, and tries to calm her down with pleasant thoughts of warm, summer days… and barbecues… all while she’s smoking like a shrimp on the barbie. Oops! Well, no one ever said Jason had tact! LOL

LOVE where this is going!

Shreveport packmaster Marcus rallies the trailer trash werewolves, and tells them that they are to stay out of the whole vamp-witch conflict. Everyone seems in general agreement, save for this one lil trouble maker in a hot leather jacket who looks like Billy Elliott.

Sam shows up at Luna’s and apologizes to her for Tommy being a skinwalker and fooling her into sex. (Man, I wish I had that superpower!) Once again, Sam uses playing Barbie’s with Luna’s daughter Emma to charm his way into having dinner with them.

Sook pulls the silver chains off of Eric – and some of his skin along with it! It’s pretty gross. And unnecessary. And a little boring. Their storyline is definitely the dud of the episode. Things liven up a tad when Sook offers up her yummy faery blood to help Eric heal faster. Natch, she has some silver close at hand in case he gets out of control. Eric tries to return the favor by letting her feed on his blood, so that they can “be one.” I’m torn between vomiting from the ickiness, or getting strangely aroused from the exchange of bodily fluids.

“Mmm. Your sweaty palm tastes delish.”

Jessica comes home and finds Hoyt sittin’ his undies, watching TV and drinkin’ beer. Ugh. He’s making it WAY too easy to be loathsome. C’mon, writers!! Don’t disrespect my boy Hoyt like that! When Jessica tells him that she wants out of the relationship, Hoyt crumbles into a big, soft, doughy, girly mess of manic tears.

Ugh. I’d break up with this hot, bumpkin mess, too!

“Love me!” he sobs. “Please love me! If you don’t love me, I will die!” “THEN DIE!” Jessica screams, and smashes his face in, blood spattering everywhere!! Holy shiz! WTF?! I was like, “They did NOT just kill Hoyt!!”

Domestic disturbance, much?

Jessica, her face still shmeared with Hoyt’s blood, then crawls into Jason’s pickup and starts having hot, wild sex with him! Again, I was like, WTF?! I know Jason lacks serious morals, but this is an all-time, new low! Especially when he goes, “Come to Daddy!” Before I can throw my shoe at the TV, Jessica wakes up. So, it was all just a dream. PHEW! I was genuinely worried there for a second! But I shoulda known the writers wouldn’t pass up the golden opportunity for Hoyt and Jason to come to a brawl over that sassy, ginger vamp!

Cut to what looks like a pile of blood, guts, and poop. It’s actually Beulah Carter, the dumb vamp who walked into the sun in last week’s ep. Sheriff Andy manages to deliver the most unintentionally funny line of the ep: “Should I call the coroner or sanitation?” LMAO. Followed by dumb hick Jason wiping the bloody guts from his baton onto his own shirt! Before you know it, Andy’s on all fours, sniffing and growling and ready to lap up Beulah’s remains like some rabid dog, just to get his fix of V. Jason pulls him to his feet and says, “You are a sorry, sad sack, bubba!” Andy delivers a sad little soliloquy, which is hilariously undercut when Jason goes, “Sorry, I stopped listening halfway through.” LOL. PS, this ep was written by Alan Ball himself, and it clearly shows!

Bark like a dog, bitch!

Maxine Fortenberry’s being interviewed by a news reporter about Beulah’s death when Queen Beel minxes his way over (yes, I used minx as a verb – learn to love it!) and glamours the dumb reporter into letting him make his own reporter about how Beulah Carter was nothing more than an isolated suicide incident.

Eric and Sook follow up their nasty blood brother pact with some hot shower action. YES – it’s THE infamous shower scene from Book 4 that you rabid readers have been chomping at the bit for and salivating over! There’s nips, and tushies, and tongues – OH MY! Only there’s no water. And then suddenly it’s snowing indoors. And then magically they’re making love in a bed outside in the snowy woods. Dream sequence?? Um… don’t look at me!!

Too hot for TV-gasm!!

Meanwhile, Beel’s cock-and-bull cover story only irritates the hell out of Antonia, who starts breaking dishes over the fact that her spell only caused one casualty. Tara pulls the ole doe-eyed innocent routine of, “I thought we were just protecting ourselves!” Nice try, bimbo! Antonia’s like, “No, dummy. We cast a spell to kill them!” And Tara’s all, “What’s this WE, kemosabi?” But a quick empowerment speech from Antonia later, and Tara’s suddenly ready to wipe every last vamp off the face off the earth. Queen Beel calls, and secreTARA puts the call through. Beel apologizes and asks Antonia to meet him one on one for peace talks. After much grumbling, they agree on midnight at the Bon Temps cemetery.

While Maxine tries to steal some pics of Beulah’s remains, runty lil Tommy breaks into Maxine’s house and steals a bunch of her clothes, shoes, makeup and jewelry. No, he’s not a cross-dresser! Well, sorta, but it seems he’s gonna try to skinwalk as her! Loves it!

Over at the wolfpack meeting, Alcide helps Marcus break up a little dissension in the ranks from that young pup who wanted to fight. Zzz. Filler scene!

Sook and Eric continue to have tripped out, blissful sex. My pangs of jealousy are rendering me annoyed. More filler!

Those sheets are furrrrfect!

Ever the responsible parent, Terry has brought baby Mikey to work, complete with play pen and creepy doll. The singing ghost reappears, and starts up again with her mon petite cherie song, which is really starting to get old. Lala walks in and is all, “Oh, hell no! Eff this shiz!” Only this time, the ghost stops her song and looks a little more sinister as she glares at Lala.

Ok, finally: BEST SCENE OF THE SHOW! Tommy arrives at Merlotte’s dressed horribly as Maxine Fortenberry. Her hair and makeup are all done up like some two-bit whore. She slides into a booth across from Paul, the gas company guy, and asks if he’s springing for the meal. “The service here f*ckin’ sucks, and you know why? Cuz Sam Merlotte’s a f*ckin’ asshole!” she spits out. Arlene is horrified when Maxine then orders half the menu – for herself! Props to the actress who plays Maxine! She should get an award for her hilarious performance! Anyways, Tommy tries to get down to business and wrangle $200,000 up front, but Paul’s a slick business man, and confesses his new plan: buy out Beulah Carter’s house from the bank for a fraction of the cost. Tommy is pissed, and forced to settle for a measly $10,000.

Hungry hungry hippo!

Jessica comes home – for realz this time – and tries to gently break things off with Hoyt. But the real Hoyt is too shrewd for her. He knows she’s been lying to him, and he suspects there’s someone else. Not only does he call her a bitch, but he throws her eternal virginity in her face, and says he deserves kids and a wife who can walk in the daylight. Adding insult to injury, Hoyt revokes his invitation to her, and Jessica is mercilessly tossed out on her vamp ass!

“And I’m like, FORGET YOUUUU!”

Eric wants Sook to run away with him, but for some ASININE reason, she feels it’s their duty and obligation to stay by Beel’s side and help him with this battle, Ugh. Groan!!

Marcus tells Alcide he has “alpha” in him. Duh!! Haven’t you see his abs?! Debbie is LURVING the pack, and she BEGS Alcide to heed Marcus’ decree, and to not only stay out of the vamp-witch drama, but to stay away from Sook as well. Geez!! Crazy paranoid, much?! (I mean, she has a point, but this is growing tiresome.)

Lala’s trying to get some shut eye, but that darn ghost decides to treat him to a flashback of her backstory: it seems the creepy doll was a gift she had bought for her son, and one night she came home to find her married, white lover had killed their bastard child. All she wanted to do was just hold him one last time… Ok, cool and creepy. But, I have a few questions: How did the doll get all charred and nasty? How is her soul tethered to the doll? And is her son even really dead?? I mean, we never saw a body…?

Hello, Dolly!

Lala wakes up, and unfortch, that pesky poltergeist is hiding in the corner, and then she moves in and possesses Lala!! (Such a tough life, being a medium and all!)  She then adjusts her pink sweatshirt and head scarf, starts hummin’ that creepy Creole tune, and minxes out the door.

Beel is reluctant to let Sook take up arms and join his cause, but she reminds him that she does have powers, and Eric says she has the heart of a warrior. Zzzz.

Just as I predicted weeks ago!! Marcus is in fact the crazy, psycho jealous ex of Luna and father to Emma. Marcus is none too pleased to come over and find Sam playing house with his lil ladies. Marcus’ hollow threat to Sam: “You just pissed on the wrong pooch!” Um, is that really the best you got??

How is Sam always getting himself caught in the middle of dramz?!

Tommy staggers through the woods in Maxine’s wretched getup, his face painted like a rodeo clown, and then pukes his guts up!

Jessica runs to Jason’s house to tell him that she broke up with Hoyt. Contrary to what we all expect Jason’s reaction to be, he finally acts responsible for once, and tells Jess he can’t be with her, because Hoyt is his best friend in the whole world. he then revokes her invitation to his house as well, and she gets tossed out on her butt for the second time that night!

Cheaters never prosper!!

While tubby Andy snores away, a possessed Lala breaks into the Bellefleur manse, snags Andy’s pistol, and then creeps upstairs and swipes baby Mikey from his crib! OMG!! I half expect him to go all Rebecca DeMornay from The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and try to breast feed him. What?! Lala totally has moobs!

And now… the epic cemetery standoff! Beel finds “Marnia” strolling through the headstones. She knows he’s not alone, and he summons Pam, Eric, and Sook from their hiding places. Beel knows she’s not alone either, and with a flick of her hands, Tara, Holly, and 2 Wiccans appear. Hmm. Nifty lil trick!! Sook seems hurt that her bestie is on the other side of the battle lines, but I mean, can you really blame Tara? Beel asks for peace between the vamps and witches. He promises safety from here on out, provided Marnia releases Eric and Pam from her spells. Sook then overhears Marnia trying to cast a spell in her head (what if it was the spell to undo Eric?!) and Marnia suddenly summons more Wiccans out of thin air. Queen Beel’s all, “My army’s bigger than your army!” and whips out more vamps as well as his human sharp shooters (who Marnia cannot use necromancy on.) The hired guns are trained on Marnia, and it’s like Queen Sophie Anne all over again! Just then, Eric goes all evil vamp, and rips out some Wiccan chick’s throat!! Marnia calls upon the elements of nature, and suddenly a thick fog descends on the cemetery. This is where everything goes horribly awry!! Everyone’s running! Chaos! Confusion!

Alcide runs to Sook’s house, banging on her front door. Just then he hears shouts in the distance. It honestly sounds like the storming of the beaches at Normandy. I was like, um, just how close does Sook live to the cemetery? That’s kinda creepy. Alcide runs off, not noticing he’s being followed by Debbie the white wolf…

Tara smokes a vamp, just before Pam swipes her gun and has her pinned to the ground. She’s finally about to rid my world of reTARAded, when Beel commands her to stop. Pam’s like, “This is so lame!” I agree! She runs off, and Beel helps Tara up. “Why’d you save me?” she asks. “You know why,” is all he says. Yeah, cuz you’re gonna have to come to his rescue eventually, tootse. It’s called debt!

Worst timing ever, Beel!

Ok, now everything really turns to shit at this point…

Sook gets shot!

Beel gets silvered and captured!

Eric gets put under a new spell by Marnia!

Ok, sure, Alcide manages to scoop up Sook and “rescue” her from the battlefield. Unfortch, he doesn’t see the white wolf shift into a crazed, naked, vengeful Debbie, who looks like she’s ready to snort a mountain of blow and go apeshit on someone!

And there you have it! Crazy good episode, huh? Or just plain crazy? I love that all of the plots seems to be chugging along at full steam: Tommy, Sam, Jessica, even that dumb black ghost. Any predictions for how these storylines will shake out? And what about all of those cliffhangers? Baby Mikey? Sook and her various lovers? I’m genuinely excited to see Debbie lose her shit. Leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading! Xoxo, SlifeGoesOn