I know a lot of you seem to be pretty divided over the season four premiere of True Blood, and both sides have valid points. But, I think after tonight’s episode, everybody has a better understanding of what is going on now, and we should all be LOVING the action! I titled this recap “The Birds & The Bee-hinds” because both animals and nudity seemed to be running rampant in this episode – and who doesn’t love that, amirght?!
The episode opens with Jason tied to a bed, and dummy Hot Shot boy Timbo licking his wounds clean. Hehe. Jason tries to get the dumb, inbred yokel panther kids to untie him, but just then Filton busts in the door (I knew it!) and rams his big, long, thick… RIFLE in Jason’s face, saying how badly he’s gonna get effed! Yes! Great start! Now make good on it!
If Jason doesn’t like Timbo’s tongue bath, I’d be more than happy to fill in!
Sook is pissed at Eric for buying her house, and tells him that doesn’t mean that he owns her now, too. Eric tells her that she tastes like freedom and sunshine in a pretty, blonde bottle. Who said romance was dead?! He also tells her that if he just wanted to eat her (sign me up, too!) he could have already. But instead, he’s offering her protection from other hungry vamps. He asks her to consider his offer, and then promises to fix her squeaky screen door. (I’m loving their sparring! I can’t wait for it to turn into epic lust, a la Buffy and Spike’s death match fight-turned-hawt sex romp in an abandoned house.) Pass me a cig!
Katarina the mole rats out Marni and her witch coven’s little dead parakeet parlor trick to Beel, who thanks her for the intel with some hot, rough sex.
Over at Fangtasia, Hoyt, Jessica, and Pam get accosted by a group of Light of Day protestors with signs and insults. Jessica bares her fangs, but Pam pulls her back, saying, “Let these good people practice their constitutional right to be fuckin’ idiots.” PAM RULES! Hoyt still gets jumped by a pack of nerds, and Pam has to restrain Jessica again, saying, “Technology’s taken all the fun out of being a vampire.” She gets all the best one-liners!
This shiz is being uploaded to Fangbook.
A naked Sam catches up with one of his hottie shifter buddies, this sexy dark girl who looks like Kim KarTRASHian with her boobs hanging out. Niiiice. He lays the charm on thick and tries to coax out her backstory with a kiss, but she freaks, bolts, and runs off as a horse. Dontcha hate when that happens?!
Sook comes crawling out of the woods behind Beel’s new manse looking breathtaking and flawless. I’m not a Paquin fan, and I don’t know if it’s her mustard cardigan and blue dress, or her golden tresses or what, but girl has never looked better. She gets stopped by an elite team of sniper goons, but Beel senses her presence (mid-coitus) and grants her entrance. Sook walks in to find Katarina buttoning up and licking her chops. Sook doesn’t even care about Queen Beel’s new title – she wants his protection from Eric, but he won’t grant it, and she storms off.
So cute! And I’m loving Beel’s wallpaper!
Lala and Jesus get comfy in bed together, and Lala expresses his concern with Marni’s dabbling in black magic.
Flashback time! It’s London, 1982. Beel is a punk rocker (HA!) with a rilly, shitty British accent. He makes a tasty snack out of some punk bartender in an alley, then glamours him into running off. He then is approached by Nan Flanagan (WTF?!) who recruits him into her benevolent group of vamps that are about to surface and overthrow the monarchies, now that Louis Pasteur (he’s a vamp!) has perfected a synthetic blood drink!
‘Ello, governor! Nice eyeliner, mate!
Sook’s got her waitressing job back at Merlotte’s, and she’s cooing over baby Mikey. Arlene is still freaking out, and asks if Sook can read his mind, which she says she can’t, but she can tell he’s an “old soul” which only makes Arlene go even more bat shit crazy. LOL.
Sheriff Andy pulls up at Hot Shot with some bogus warrant looking for V. Crystal pops out of nowhere and shoves a rag in Jason’s mouth to keep him quiet. Filton suspects he’s just jonesin’ for a fix, and sends some crusty, old minion over with a free vial in order to placate him and make him disappear. The trick works, and Andy hurries off. Ugh. Stay off drugs, kids!
Sam’s sexy shifter friend stops by Merlotte’s for a quick seduction scene in his office. She gives him a kiss, and promises to open up more to him. Tommy takes in quite an eyeful of her… assets… and acts super jealous.
Arlene’s staring into baby Mikey’s eyes, trying to determine if he’s good or evil, when all of a sudden a blood vessel in her eye pops! GAG!! She’s convinced the baby did it to her, and screams in Mikey’s face, then runs off. God bless Terry for being so cute and understanding.
Super NOT cute!
Sook’s unloading groceries from her car when she suddenly sees a vision of Queen Mab and her cronies coming after her! She screams – ugh! And I’m back to hating Paquin again. Turns out it’s not Mab – just something equally hideous – Tara. The two gal pals quickly reunite, and then go inside past the new screen door. Sook calls Eric a “psychopathic frat boy” after she discovers a bottle of blood in the fridge and a nifty little underground cubby he built for himself in the corner. LOL.
Later that night, Jessica crawls out of her cubby to find Hoyt putting frozen veggies on his bruised face. She tries to ail him with her blood. When he refuses by saying, “I don’t want that shit,” she gets offended and storms out.
Tara reunites with Lala. He’s all, “You’re into Asian pussy now?” And she’s all, “You’re a Wiccan now?” LOL. My, what a difference a year makes! Tara decides to invite herself along with Lala and Jesus to their coven meeting. Ugh. Annoying hag!
Eric stops by Beel’s office, where he is instructed to pay a charming, little visit to Marni’s coven tonight and do whatever it takes to deter these “necromancers” from fartin’ around with the dead. (If they can control the dead, they can control vamps!) Ruh roh! A showdown already between Eric and Lala? With hagulous Tara caught in the middle? This could get good…
Beel’s office looks like it got the Million Dollar Decorators treatment.
Time for another flashback! This time, Beel recalls his season three finale showdown with Queen Sophie-Anne. Finally! She’s in the middle of whooping his ass when Beel’s henchmen swarm in with laser guns with wooden bullets and silver cores, and waste the Queen! She erupts in a giant, bloody mess, and then Nan struts in and anoints Beel the new King of Louisiana.
“I guess this means I’m off the show…”
At Fangtasia, Pam drawls out some sagely advice to Sook, and tells her to reconsider Eric’s offer of protection. “You have to be someone’s, or you won’t BE at all.” She then adds that Eric is rich and hot, and isn’t that reason enough alone??
Jessica struts past the protestors outside Fangtasia, lets down her luscious locks, and makes a beeline for that yummy frat boy.
At the witch meeting, Marni scares the beejezus out of everyone when she says that tonight’s assignment will be bringing a person back from the dead. Tara’s all, “Eff this freaky shiz!” and bolts.
Sam and his shifter pals are sharing stories about the freakiest things they’ve shifted into. When Big Boobs McGee says she shifted into her mom once, everyone falls silent. She explains that you can become a “Skinwalker” if you kill a person, and since her mom died during childbirth, she has the power. Upon hearing this, I suddenly found myself hoping that Sam ends up killing Tommy, just so he can shift into him. LOL. As if on cue, Sam senses Tommy spying on them, and they begin an epic chase, first as themselves, then as hawks, then as two, hot naked dudes! Woof!
We almost just saw some full frontal nudity! Damn!
While Tara’s gabbin’ on the phone to her lezzy lover, Eric swoops into Marni’s coven, fangs bared, saying, “You’re looking for a dead body?” LOL.
Back at Fangtasia, Sook overhears Jessica making a snack out of frat boy in the next bathroom stall. Busted and ashamed, Jessica fires back at Sook’s “friendly advice” that she’s not her stepmother, she never was, and she should mind her own beeswax. “I can eat who I want!” she snarls.
Can she eat out who she wants, too?
Despite staring at each other’s naked bodies, Sam and Tommy find some common ground and agree to try to slowly chip away at the ice between them so they can get to a place of brotherly love.
Eric tells the witches he knows their leader’s name is Marni. When they’re like, “Says who?” he goes, “A little bird told me.” LOL. Genius. Marni steps forward, and Eric basically tells her that her coven has to disband immediately – or else. “What’s in it for me?” Marni retorts, and Eric hisses that he does not negotiate. Marni tries to rally the troops, and Eric sinks his fangs into her! That’s when Tara tries to go all heroic and stake Eric, but he’s too quick for her. Marni gets tossed aside, and now Tara’s the one in peril! This forces Lala to join hands with the coven and start chanting. Suddenly, the lights go out, Marni’s eyes are glowing, and she’s taken over by some dark spirit chanting a spell. Eric looks genuinely scared shitless, and bolts with his tail between his legs. The best is when Marni snaps out of it and goes, “So, um, what happened?” LOL. I’m not sure WHY she’s dabbling in the black arts, but it’s cute that she’s clueless about her own powers.
My, why bright eyes you have, Marni!
And who is this?!
Back at Hot Shot, Jason’s utterly confused why Filton and Crystal are getting naked in front of him. Turns out they want to make a were-panther baby, but Filton’s shooting blanks, so they’re gonna use Jason as a substitute baby daddy. But first – they have to make Jason a were-panther, too! That’s when they shift into panthers and start devouring his perfectly sculpted abs!!
Bad panthers!! That was supposed to be MY job!
In the episode’s final scene, Sook is driving home, when she happens to pull up next to a shirtless Eric, aimlessly wandering the side of the road. Eric seems to not have any clue who she is – I suspect the spell wiped his memory. He seems all cute and helpless, until he asks her with a hungry look in his eye, “Why do you smell so good?” Dun dun dun!!
Hey, stranger! Need a lift?
So, what did you think? Much better than the season premiere, that’s for sure! So much shiz went down – and it’s going down FAST! Lots of questions: do you think Arlene’s baby is really evil? Is Sam going to kill Tommy at some point? Is Jason doomed to become a were-panther now? Or will Sheriff Andy come to his rescue? What voodoo mind spell is Eric under? Will Sook now try to nurse him back to health – and in doing so, fall in love with him?? Leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading!!