True Blood: The Chronicles of Marnia

Last night’s episode of True Blood was a welcome breath of fresh air after the stinker that was last week’s turd. One thing that I particularly liked was that not one bit of the episode felt predictable. I was constantly on the edge of my seat, and shocked by what was going down. And even better still, while the battle lines between vamps and witches (and werewolves and shifters) have been drawn, there are now fractions amongst the factions, which only makes for far more compelling television!!

The episode picked up right where the last one left off, with Marnia wreaking havoc at The Dorchester Hotel in her attempt to use puppet vamp Eric to assassinate Queen Beel. People are running. People are screaming. Ever so mindful of their appearance and reputation, Nan knocks over the video cameras before she uses a pencil to slay the cute little blonde vamp sheriff boy. Wah! Beel fires off a few rounds in the vamps in self defense, but the dummy forgot to load the silver bullets! Eric’s about to ram the pointy end of a flag pole up Queen Beel’s ass, when meek lil Sook (of all people!) comes to her ex-lover’s rescue, and bitch-slaps Eric with the biggest, brightest faery thunderbolt we’ve ever seen! Suddenly, Eric’s memory comes flooding back to him, and he (sadly) stops trying to keel Beel.

Sookie, you’ve been playing with your Lite Brite too much.

Marnia is pissed that her spell over Eric has been broken, and when she looks down at the human carnage and destruction at the Tolerance Festival, it’s Antonia (not Marnie) who seems genuinely horrified by what she has done. But then Marnia snaps back to attention, and disappears with hillbilly Roy and the other vamp sheriffs into thin air.  Hmm.  Inneresting.

Jason and Jessica share some VERY uncomfortable post-coital conversation. He’s suddenly feeling guilty about sleeping with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. How convenient that those feelings kicked in AFTER the sex, instead of before! He first tries to blame it on her blo-o-o-o-o-d but Jessica’s like, “Oh, hell no, cracker! You wanted a piece of me long before you drank my blood!” Then Jason tries to get her to glamour him into forgetting they ever had sex! Classic douche move! Jessica’s like, “If I’m going down, you’re going down with me!” LOL.

Alcide’s trying to get Tommy some help, but Tommy’s writhing and convulsing in the passenger seat like his insides are turning to liquefaction. I almost thought an Alien was gonna rip itself right out of his chest! Seems shifting into another human AND getting the shiz kicked out of you is a lethal combination for a shifter, and he starts projectile spewing blood and guts all over the place like he’s Linda Blair! Alcide’s like, “Great. Who’s gonna clean that up?!”

“Musta been that shellfish I had for dinner!”

The Wiccans who are trapped inside of MoonGoddess Emporium are suffering from a nasty case of cabin fever. The one dude’s like, “Is anyone getting reception?! Cuz I can’t log onto Grindr!” Holly confides to Tara that any spell can be undone, if they just get Network mad as hell about it. But just then, Marnia comes in with hillbilly boy toy Roy and their two spellbound vamp sheriffs. Marnia refuses to let anyone go, and then she goes all Marnie Dearest and starts having a schitzo conversation with herself in front of everyone.

“Um, that white devil bitch be cray cray!”

Queen Beel and Nan have a major pissing contest over who is to blame for the mess at The Dorchester. Nan thinks Beel is ineffectual and keeping secrets from her. Beel thinks Nan should have let him kill Marnia when he had the chance. Oh, but then where would be the fun in that?

Sook seems to be in shock still. Eric tries to comfort her by telling her that just cuz he got his memory back doesn’t mean he’s evil Eric again. He still loves her. Unfortch, Sook is a greedy lil bitch, and tells Eric that she loves both Eric and Beel, and can’t choose between them. Poor Eric looks heartbroken! Just then, Pam bursts in the door – thank god! Where has she been all this time?! She can barely muster a grumbly “thank you” to Sook for restoring her lovely maker.

Welcome back, Pam!

Sook is then horrified when she overhears Beel telling Nan his current plan for vengeance: he’s going to bomb MoonGoddess right off the face of the planet! LOL. Sook tries to remind Beel that Tara and other humans are trapped inside, but Beel doesn’t seem to mind sacrificing a few people for the greater good of the vamps. “Lovable, isn’t he?” chides a jealous Eric from the sidelines. LOL.

Sam wants to get his baby bro some V to save his life, but Alcide tells him that Tommy has the right to choose, so they keep the lil runt company on his deathbed through some cheesy goodbyes until he FINALLY passes and DIES! Yay! Adios, Tommy! Sam then tells Alcide that Marcus is a dead effing wolf! “You keeled my brother. Prepare to die!”

Good riddance, Tommy!

The next day, Jason’s drinking his troubles away, when trouble comes knocking at his front door. It’s Hoyt, who wants to come in and drink and sulk and cry about losing Jessica. The guilt is overpowering for poor lil Jason.

Sheriff Andy wakes up to find Terry and Arlene breathing down his neck and accusing him of being a V addict since they found his stash. I love his feeble attempts to get out from under the heat of the microscope: “It has a safety cap – I think.” And “It’s not mine! It’s evidence!” Arlene and Terry may be yokels, but they’re no dummies. Arlene plays hardball and says Andy’s not allowed near her babies till he gets cleaned up. Terry then tells Andy to get his sorry butt in gear – cuz they’re heading to Fort Bellefleur. A fort?! How fun!

Jason comes by Sook’s house and orders the Freeloader’s Breakfast Special. Over eggs over easy, the two sibs catch each other up on their respective vamp dramz.

Fort Bellefleur turns out to be – Terry and Andy’s old tree fort!! Terry has brought him here to help Andy work through some of his troubles. Andy thinks Terry is a hypocrite cuz he used to be a crazy, meth-addicted war vet, and Terry says he was able to kick all his bad habits – minus the anti-psychotic pills. Hehehe. But it’s the fact that he was able to recover that makes him just the man to help his cuz out.

Jason and Sook try to recruit Lala and Jesus to help them stage a rescue attempt at MoonGoddess. Natch, Lala is all for rescuing his cuz Tara, and he curses that bitchy witch Marnie for getting them into this pickle. Jesus tries to counter that Marnie is simply the victim in all of this. The real bitch is Antonia, and he only agrees to help them in order to save his buddy Marnie.

What is with Lala’s hair?! Good gracious!

While Holly is busy trying to convince Tara to help her cook up a freedom spell, Marnia is busy contorting and writhing in the back room, until Antonia pops out to have a little word with Marnie. In a shocking twist, it seems Antonia is the weaker of the two; she doesn’t want to shed any innocent human blood in their quest to kill vamps, and she’s ready to hang up her witch’s hat and call it a day. But Marnie’s all, “Hold the phone, tootse.” She claims not everyone is so innocent – not when they are sympathizers and collaborators, and not when they shun witches like social outcasts. Aww, someone was a goth chick in school and got bullied by Regina George, and is looking for a little payback. Marnie’s a shrewd manipulator, and she gets Antonia back onboard with their devious lil plan. I honestly didn’t see this development coming, but I’m kinda glad to know that Marnie is not just some weak idiot along for the ride anymore. Now, when she inevitably dies, I won’t feel so bad!

“You disgust me more than my own hair!”

While under silver, all the vamps bicker and bitch at each other, with Nan threatening to kill all of them for being insubordinate. Pam calls her an incompetent bitch. Jessica doesn’t care as long as she just gets to blow up shit. LOL.  I love fighting.

Sook, Jason, Lala, and Jesus scope out the deserted town outside MoonGoddess. Jason wants to go in, guns blazin’, but Sook is quick to remind him that he has no magical powers. So Jesus decides to go in and try to reason with Marnie himself. He kisses Lala goodbye, and says “See you soon,” which is practically like being in a horror movie and saying, “I’ll be right back.” I’m genuinely scared for his life.

It’s the new A-Team. Lala’s Mr. T. And Jason’s the pretty boy. LOL

Sure enough, Jesus strolls over to MoonGoddess and walks right into an invisible, protective force field and gets zapped like a bug. Tara and Holly are like, “Oh, goody! The cavalry’s here!” Marnia struts outside for a lil face time with Jesus. She’s a little peeved that Jesus ran down to Mexico in her hour of need, so to prove himself worthy and useful again, she forces him to walk through the protection spell! It’s a crazy plan, (and it’s some crazy acting on poor Kevin Alejandro’s part) but he makes it through intact, and an impressed Marnia invites him into MoonGoddess.

Jason: “What’s with his head?!” Lala: “It’s a… Latin thing.” LOL

With Alcide gone, Debbie cozies up on her couch next to packmaster Marcus. She unloads all her trubz on him: Alcide never came home last night…she’s lonely…she wants a kid but Alcide doesn’t… And of course, Marcus is such a slimeball that he starts putting the moves on her, and tells her that maybe she should just have another wolf’s baby! (Now, I love me some crazy Debbie, but her character is ALL over the place this season! She’s sober one minute, then she’s back to drugs, then she hates Sookie, then she’s helping Sookie, then she’s helping herself to Marcus… what gives?!)

Trash always ends up with trash.

Sam and Alcide go to Marcus’ bike shop looking to settle the score, but since Marcus is otherwise preoccupied with Deb, Sam has to settle for opening a can of whoop ass on one of the other wolf goons.

Back at Fort Bellefleur, Terry tries to use some target practice as a means of bonding with Andy. Instead, they cut right to the heart of their family troubles, with each guy admitting to feeling jealous of the other. A lot of family history and emotion comes spilling out between the two cousins, and I thought this scene, despite being a total detour from the supernatural stuff, was really amazing! Of course, this IS the South, so the fight devolves into fisticuffs, with the two grown men wrestling each other to the ground.

LOVE!

Jesus sits down for a lil kibbitz sesh with Marnia. She is in awe of his talents, and wants him and “the Moor” to rejoin the circle.  (How outdated and racist, but kinda funny.)  Jesus asks Antonia if it’s ok for Marnie to come out and play so he can say hello to his old friend. Antonia grants his wish, and Marnie snaps out of it.  At first, Jesus thinks she’s being possessed, but he’s horrified to learn to learn that Marnie LOVES being one with Antonia. He then telepathically warns Sook that Marnie is really the one calling the shots here!

This is no time for pattycake!

While Marnia is distracted with Jesus, Holly and Tara feel a rush of wind in their hair, which is the universal code for a spell has worked. They make a run for the front door, which actually opens, and Marnia hisses, “Treachery!” Sook and Lala run towards their friends to try and save them, but Marnia busts up the happy reunion, and Jason is forced to watch as all his pals disappear in a blinding flash of light!

Now you see ‘em…

Now you don’t!

Terry gets Andy to promise never to touch V again. (That was a little quick and convenient, but I’ll roll with it.) But now that he’s hit rock bottom, he has nowhere to go but up. Dr. Terry’s first task for Andy: he’s gotta make the humiliating trek home all the way on foot! Ha!

And as night falls, Queen Beel, Eric, Pam, and Jessica pulled up in front of MoonGoddess Emporium, dressed head to toe in bad-ass black leather, missiles and machine guns in hand, ready to annihilate some witchy ass!

The A-plus Team!

And there you have it! Yet another delicious, satisfying cliffhanger, leaving me screaming for MORE!! We’ve only got 2 more eps left, my gasmii! So how do you think it’s all gonna shake out? Pretty sure Marnia just zapped all those guys into the safety of the store. Also pretty sure it’s gonna have to be Lala who uses his powers to take down Marnia. But who will end up being collateral damage in the process?! As always, leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading! -SlifeGoesOn