True Blood: The Manchewian Candidate

I feel incredibly conflicted about last night’s episode of True Blood. Was it good? No. Was it bad? No. While it was nice to take a bit of a break from Marnia and her increasingly annoying accent, the rest of the ensemble had the opportunity to shine – and simply didn’t. I don’t think it qualified as the worst episode of the season. It definitely had a few moments of genius. But this does not a great episode make.

The episode was off to a dismal start – especially in light of all of the masterful cliffhangers that were setup by last week’s episode. Alcide scoops up Sook and starts running toward the safety of her house. All of a sudden, Queen Beel comes out of nowhere (um, I’d love to know how he escaped being silvered in the face by those damn Wiccans!) and is all, “Yoink!” He snatches up Sook and knocks a growling Alcide to the ground. He tries to feed Sook some of his healing vamp blood, but she’s too far gone to take it, and a useless Alcide shows up just in time to heckle Beel’s vain efforts.

At MoonGoddess Emporium, Marnia gleefully shows off her new pet, Eric, who she refers to as “Blonde One.” LOL. Tara and Holly get the troops all riled up though, and are like, “Oh, hell no, this is NOT what we signed up for, lady!” Roy is the only one who seems to be on Marnia’s side. Despite the dissension in the ranks, Marnia reveals her insidious new plan: to unleash “Blonde One” on the AVL-sponsored “Festival of Tolerance.” Tara and the Wiccans try to stage a walk out, but Marnia slams all the doors shut. Apparently no one is going ANYWHERE!

“Intolerance will not be tolerated!” LOL.

Sook wakes up (I thought she was unable to swallow Beel’s blood a minute ago?!) to find her highness and Alcide staring into her face like some bloody specimen. Despite having two suitors at her disposal, Sook only seems to care for her missing third. What a greedy bitch! Alcide acts like he’s one of the Real Housewives of NYC and is all, “I’m so done. I’m done!” And he storms out.

“We can NEVER be friends!”

Luna gets Emma to bed and tells Sam he should leave before a vengeful Marcus comes back. Sam then comes up with the “genius” idea that the three of them forget their troubles and go camping. WTF?! That is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard of. But Luna bats her big ole cow eyes and agrees.

Alcide comes home, and Debbie pretends to be asleep. Seriously?! After that whole build-up of her snarling with rage in last week’s episode?! What a letdown! The best part of the scene is that “Cheaters” is on the TV in the background. LOL. Alcide strips down and snuggles in bed next to a very bitter Deb.

Sassygirl72, this pic is for you!

Is Deb an angry werewolf, or just suffering from jaundice and Heppy C?

A blubbering Jessica sobs to an uncaring Nan about her man trubz. Nan gets to deliver the best line of the whole ep: “There have been times, I’ll admit, when it has occurred to me that maybe I should put my career on hold and become a maker. But these last several hours with you have erased those doubts – FOREVER!” LMAO. Who knew that being a maker/mother and a ball-busting career woman were mutually exclusive?! It occurs to me that the reason this ep fails so epically is because there is no Pam in it! Nan is a great substitute, but no cigar. Beel saunters in, and Nan gives him a ration of shiz for screwing up the whole Marnia sitch so badly. Later, while self-chained in silver for protection (again?! this is getting old now…) Beel and Nan bitch about who is the bigger bitch. Personally, I think it’s Beel, with her tightly pursed, red lips.

Vampy Dearest.

Hoyt wakes up to the most obnoxious cell phone alarm of life (cock-a-doodle-DON’T!) He then starts packing up Jessica’s stuff, which if anyone noticed, included a Twilight novel, Bossypants by Tina Fey, and faux-copies of InStyle and Elle. LOL. He signs the box: “For You, Monster” and is just about to whip up some breakfast when a possessed Lala sashays into the house, singing to baby Mikey. Hoyt’s like, “Dude?!” And Lala chases him out of his own house with Andy’s stolen gun!

Arlene and Terry are freaking out as Jason tries to take their story. Andy’s freaking out about his missing GUN. Terry’s like, “I think my SON takes precedence, dude!” Hoyt calls and tells them that Lala has kidnapped Mikey and is holding him hostage at his house. Oh, and he’s in his boxers, so he needs a pair of pants. Everyone starts running around like chickens with their heads cut off yelling about pants. Pants?! That’s the storyline here?! Major weak sauce. And to top it off, Andy forgets to grab a pair of pants because he’s too busy slurping down some more V!

How many idiots does it take to ruin a subplot?

What happens next is a very cheesy dream sequence (clearly written by some dude who just wanted to see Anna Paquin sauntering around in red lingerie and black heels.) Sook starts making out with Eric when Beel pops up, and suddenly her two suitors are going fang to fang trying to lay claim to her. Sook’s all, “I don’t want you guys fighting over me!” Oh, puh-leaze! Isn’t that every girl’s fantasy?!

Cheesy does it!

Tommy’s holding down the fort at Merlotte’s when he smells the unmistakable stench of Marcus walk in. Obvi, Sam’s not around, so Marcus has to leave word with runty kid brother that he’d like to have a word with Sam later that night.

Despite Hoyt whining about his damn pants (groan) a bull-headed Sheriff Andy decides to charge headstrong into the house to save Mikey. Jason watches in slack-jawed surprise as Andy kicks the door down, and nearly gets his head blown off by Lala. They run away for cover like pussies, and that’s when Terry and Arlene show up. Arlene acts like she’s in The Color Purple and is all, “WHYYYY, Lafayette?!” And Lala’s all, “The name’s Mavis, red!” Now it’s Terry’s turn to try and charge inside, but Andy tackles him to the ground with super-V strength and keeps him pinned there. It’s such a mess of a scene, I’m so embarrassed for the actors and writers alike.

It’s a Mexi-CANT stand-off!

Sam, Luna, and Emma are enjoying frolicking by the lake with bunny rabbits on their lil camping trip. Zzz…

Back to Sook’s sex dream… Nothing much of note happens, except that Sook claims she loves them both, and suggests they get onboard the menage train, cuz it’s all or “nuttin’” (pun intended) in this lil fantasy of hers. Eric and Beel may be jealous vamps, but they’re no dummies, and it takes no time for them to both sink their fangs into her supple flesh.

OK, kudos to Paquin for her slammin’ bod! Gurl turned it OUT!

Deb meets some drug-dealing V-junky in an alley and buys a vial of vamp blood off of him, then pounds the whole thing! Dayum! Seems someone’s fallen off the wagon…

Speaking of V, Andy’s now trippin’ ballz, so he puts Jason in charge. Only it seems Arlene’s the only one with half a brain, cuz she’s called Jesus in to help. Mild humor ensues when Jason asks Jesus if Lala ever does sex-roleplay as a woman named Mavis. Insults aside, Jesus marches in unarmed and confronts Mavis. “Somehow” Jesus manages to deduce from his infinite wisdom that Mavis had some unfinished biz on Earth, and because Lala is a medium for the dead, used his boyfriend’s body to come back. Mavis is all, “Hold the phone, cracker! I’m a dude?!” Props to Nelsan Ellis who plays Lafayette, cuz I was DYING when he turned around to sneak a peek at the junk in his pants and started wailing in Creole, “How I make a baby with this meat, me?!” LMAO. It was like when Tom Hanks gets big in Big, only 1,000 times funnier.

Is she upset by the wee willy winkie, or the size of it?

Deb arrives at Sook’s house all cracked out, plasters on a fake smile, and reaches for something in the glove compartment. A gun?! Sook opens the front door, and Deb’s acting all shady, holding her hand behind her back. I’m thinking, YES! Time for a bitch-fight! But leave it to those pesky writers to trick us! Turns out Deb’s just got some condolence flowers to cheer Sook up after her near brush with death. Deb claims she wants to help Sook, and surprisingly, when Sook reads her mind, it turns out she’s on the level. Hmmm…

Heeeeere’s Debbie!

Psych!!

Jesus casts a lil spell, and Mavis relives her final moments – it turns out her married, white lover stabbed her to death in the kitchen, and then buried her and dead baby out in the front yard. Mavis and Jesus walk outside, and Arlene and Terry get their precious baby back.

Alcide tells Marcus he’d like to move up in the pack, and Marcus is all, “sweet.” His first order of biz is asking Alcide to be his hired muscle for when Sam shows up later that night…

Later that night, Andy apologizes to Jason, who’s like, “Save it. I’ve heard it all before.” Amen! Drug addicts can never be trusted!! Across the yard, Arlene and Mavis watch as Hoyt and Jesus dig up the buried remains of Mavis and her baby. All Mavis wants is to hold her baby one last time, and when she does, her pesky spirit is released from Lala in some cheesy, glowy E.T. light show. Mavis is all, “Tank you for everyting.” And Lala’s like, “You got it, bitch.” Now, scram!

Please let this lame storyline be OVER.

Marnia opens the door at MoonGoddess to find Deb on her doorstep, pledging the allegiance of the Shreveport pack of werewolves to her cause. WTF?! That traitorous bitch! Oh, wait! It turns out Deb is just a decoy so Sook can sneak in the back and rescue Eric!! Tricky. Clever. Me likey. Spellbound Eric then reveals Marnia’s plans to Sook: she plans on using her new pet to kill Beel at the Festival of Tolerance! Tara then busts out of nowhere, brandishing a pistol. Deb starts to crack under the pressure, and tells Marnia this was all a ploy to bring Sookie to Marnia. Huh?! Whose side is she ON?! Sook reads Tara’s mind and discovers that all of the Wiccans are being held hostage. They stage a faux-shoot out getaway, and Marnia groans in protest. Probably cuz this scene is so phoney-baloney that it’s painful to watch.

When will Tara just die finally?!

Marnia curses that damn werewolf Debbie, as Sook and Deb drive off to the convention. Marnia then decides it’s time to kick her plan into gear, and she leaves with Eric and Roy in tow. The other Wiccans are left to rot inside MoonGoddess. When Tara tries to open the door, her hand gets burned to a crisp! LOL. Then some other dumb bitch tries the front door and gets her hand burned off, too! Um, why wouldn’t she use a towel or something, considering what JUST happened to Tara?! Well, no one said Wiccans were very bright!

Die faster, Tara!

The convention begins with Beel and Nan trotting out some insipid human girl who shares a story about reuniting with her vamp sister who’d disappeared years ago. Beel’s like, “Why are we the only vamps here? It’s like a civil rights movement without any blacks!” Nan has to correct him and says it’s “African Americans.” LOL.

The stage is set… for murder!

Jason helps Hoyt replace his busted front door, and then they kick back with 40′s of Budweiser. When Jason finds a Taylor Swift CD on the counter, Hoyt says it belongs in the monster’s box. Jason feels incredibly guilty. Hoyt then asks Jason to run interference and deliver the box to Jessica for him. Jason hates being caught in the middle, but agrees to help his bestie out.

You know Jason wants to get inside the monster’s “box.”

Luna sneaks into Sam’s camping tent and a steamy sex scene ensues. I’d include a screengrab, but it’s mostly shot in silhouette, so there’s no yummy nudity to be had! Gosh darn it!

Meanwhile, Tommy tries to play hero for once in his life, and goes to the meeting with Marcus as Sam. Natch, Tommy can’t keep a civil tongue in his head, and goads Marcus’ goons into beating the shit out of his ass. Alcide loses her temper over the senseless brutality, and is forced to step in, which pisses Marcus off. When Sam shifts back into Tommy, Marcus is like, “Oh, shiz! Get him out of here!” Alcide scoops up the runt’s body and carries him off.

Not looking so good there, sonny boy!

Eric shows up at the convention, and the vamp sheriffs chase after him – right into a trap set by Marnia, who then casts a spell so that they are under her control as well. Ugh. Dummies!

Jason brings Jessica’s box over to Beel’s house. He’s scratched out “For You, Monster” which is actually a really sweet touch. Jessica invites him in, but Jason says that’s not a good idea, and that he should go. The music starts to swell, which kinda ruins the moment, cuz it’s a dead giveaway that something good is about to happen. And sho’ nuf’ we cut to Jason and Jessica have some HAWT sex in the back of his pickup truck!

From one box…

To another!

Sook arrives at the convention, just as Queen Beel takes to the stage for his speech. Marnia and Roy watch from one balcony, as Eric moves all Manchurian Candidate-style through the rafters, waiting to make his move. Sookie screams out, “Beel!” But it’s too late. The vamp sheriffs slay the armed guards, and the whole audience freaks out, and turns into angry stampede. Marnia nods to Eric, who flies at Beel. Sook manages not to get trampled to death, long enough to flap her giant gums and yell, “RUN!”

Keel Beel, Vol. 1.

And, of course, that’s where the action gets cut short, and the ep is over!!! Oh, boo. Just as it was starting to get good! So, what did you all think? Am I being too unfair on the episode? I just didn’t get the usual feelings of an ep well done from this one. Shrug. Le sigh. Let’s hope next week ramps up to something good. What do you think is in store?? Obvi Eric’s assassination attempt will go awry. Is Rene still after baby Mikey? Will Hoyt find out about Jason and Jessica? Will we ever be rid of Tommy and Tara? Leave your comments and questions, as always! And thanks for reading!! -SlifeGoesOn