True Blood: The Truth Fairy

“Blah blah vampire emergency blah.” As True Blood heads into the home stretch of the season, we finally started to get some much needed answers! We finally learned the truth about what Sookeh is. FINALLY! And her reaction to the news was pretty hilarious. In fact, the truth about everyone’s past just started spewing out like blood from a staked vamp!

Thankfully, the episode wastes no time in getting straight to the meat, as Sookeh reels from Beel’s revelation. “I’m a fairy?! How fucking lame is that?!” LOL. She took the words right out of every fan’s mouth. Beel tries to soften the blow, but everything he says just makes it worse. “So, I really am an alien?!” “My people are rapists?!” Anna Paquin should be nominated for Best Comedic Actress. (But she doesn’t deserve to win.) Beel’s final nail in the coffin is when he says that every supernatural being believes that the “Fae” were all wiped out by vampires!

“I waited all season to find out what I was … and that’s IT?!”

Jason recoils from shooting Franklin, and has a flashback to killing Eggs. Luckily, Tara snaps back into old Tara mode, and starts barking commands at Jason to get rid of the evidence. She then spits on Franklin’s remains and tells him that she hopes he rots in hell. Yay! The bitch is BACK!

Sam’s at home, wrapping his lips around a bottle of Jim Bean. Suddenly, he has a flashback to 2003 where he looks like Chris Isaak circa 1993. (Oh, right. This IS the South!) We learn that Sam has been using his shifter abilities to becomes a successful jewel thief. Unfortunately, he gets double crossed by his blonde bimbo girlfriend Charlene (played by a much slimmer Arielle Kebbel since her last guest stint on Vampire Diaries) and her white trash lover.

What “wicked games” are you up to, Chris Isaak, er, Sam Merlotte?

Beel tells Sookeh that fairy blood is the most delicious and intoxicating blood in the world, and that in fact, hers has been the yummiest he’s ever had. But, of course, he loves her for her heart, her mind, her soul, her zzzzz. YAWN. Stephen Moyer is SUCH a bad actor! He should get a job as a manny – he could put any child to sleep just by opening his mouth.

Fearing for his life, Eric has his vamp lawyer draw up a will so that he can leave everything to his progeny, Pamela Swinford DeBeauforth. LOL. Best name ever! It’s right up there with Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter, Regina Phalanges, and Anastasia Beaverhausen.

With the hospital in Monroe over 20 miles away, Lafayette makes a detour at his house, where Crystal and Jesus watch as he administers some V to Crystal’s lifeless father. Moments later, his wounds are healed, he’s back on he’s feet, and he’s back to slapping Crystal in the face for letting them put “vamper juice” in him. Talk about a class act! Dumbass Crystal chases after him, but only to tell her father that she doesn’t love Felton and that she’d rather be with Jason. Daddy of course tells her that she is dead to him.

Sookeh is asleep on the couch where Beel has undoubtedly bored her to death. Beel watches the news where Nan Flanagan claims that Closet King’s actions are that of a terrorist, and do not represent the beliefs of all vampires. Hmm. How very timely and allegorical – especially with all of this Muslim / Mosque business clogging the airwaves. Eric shows up, and the two vamps go for a lovely moonlit stroll to discuss Sookeh’s powers ad how her blood can allow a vampire to walk in the sunlight. Eric challenges Beel to tell Sookeh the truth, but before we can learn what he’s talking about, an angry Sookeh interrupts, and Beel makes up some lie. Eric cryptically hints that he won’t be around much longer, and wishes Sookeh well, which manages to titillate her … and me!

Is this acting or RE-acting? I can’t tell. But then again, neither can Stephen.

Did everybody catch the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo from last season’s Bible-thumping, closet case baddie speaking out against the vampires? He claims that the silver lining in Russell’s attack was that it finally shed light on the true nature of vampires. Arlene agrees and mouths off, causing an enraged Jessica to call her a “narrow-minded skinny bitch with a bad dye job.” HA! Couldn’t have said it better myself! Oh, wait! I did! In last week’s recap!

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Arlene runs off, and Tommy commends Jessica for telling her off – and for giving him wood. LOL. As crude as he is, he’s actually kind of sweet (and cute?!) for once. He asks Jessica why she’s there with him and not Hoyt, and Jessica says it’s because Hoyt is too good for her. Aww. Tommy says he isn’t too good for her, but Jessica doesn’t fall for his runt charm, and leaves him with a serious case of blue balls.

Speaking of Hoyt, he’s at the mercy of Summer, who’s now calling him “Bear.” UGH! Worst pet name EVER! I know I liked Summer when we met her a few weeks ago, but now I share Hoyt’s disdain for her. Summer offers up her milky white breasts and virginity, but Hoyt, like Yogi, is smarter than your average bear, and rejects her advances.

Summer literally wears the key to her own chastity belt.

Jason and Tara come home and are shocked to find Beel and Sookeh squatting there, hoping to hide out from the vamps and werewolves that are after them. Tara throws a shit fit. Beel pulls Jason outside and charges him with protecting Sook, while Tara furiously lays into Sookeh for sticking with Beel, cuz he left her at the mercy of Franklin, who raped and abused her. I love how Sookeh apologizes, but her love for Beel doesn’t waver. Seriously?! Weak sauce.

I also love how last week Jesus was all after-school special preachy to Lala about drugs, but this week he’s jonesing to drop some V together so they can let their magical paths connect. ??? Lala is intrigued by Jesus’ shaman background, and agrees to a little sky rockets in flight / afternoon delight.

Smell my finger.

Everyone’s on edge when Sam shows up at work the next day. Holly offers to give him some kick-ass hash to help with his rage problems, and Sam asks if she has anything for “nosiness and bad boundaries.” LOL. Holly apologizes, then explains she just likes to give remedies cuz she’s a Wiccan. Arlene’s ears perk up. Sam tells her he doesn’t allow dancing or religion in his bar. What is this? Footloose?

Outside, Arlene breaks down in front of Terry, and he thinks she’s worried about his ability to be a good father. Instead, she confesses the truth that Rene is her baby daddy, and she wants to abort the child for fear that it will be evil. Terry’s at a crossroad, but he surprises Arlene – and me – by promising to raise the child as his own and surrounding it with all the love in the world.

Best man on the face of the planet, ladies and gentlemen!

Jason confesses to Sookeh that he killed Franklin … AND Eggs! Sookeh wants Jason to tell Tara the truth. It always comes out in the end. Better to tell her now before it hurts her even more. Jason seems rightfully reluctant.

LaJesusette are dancing around, tripped out on V. At first, it seems they’ve wandered into the technicolor world of Rihanna’s “Rude Boy” video. But suddenly they’re on an acid trip roller coaster through time and space, visiting all their respective magical and mystical ancestors. Their final stop is to Jesus’ grandfather, aka Machette, who is dark and powerful and scary, and apparently had evil intentions for Jesus… DUN DUN DUN!

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?

Come here, rude boy, boy; is you big enough?

Tonight I’ma let you take me higher!

Sookeh has a dream where Eric kisses, tells her again not to trust Beel, and then sinks his fangs into her.

Jason brings Tara some food, and Tara thanks him for always saving her life since they were kids. She lays it on pretty thick, which only makes Jason feel more guilty. Of course, her true slutty nature kicks in, and she moves in for a kiss (wouldn’t we all?) and Jason chooses this most unfortunate moment to tell her the truth that he killed Eggs! Tara runs off, and Jason finds a note from Sookeh that she scampered off, too.

Poor Jessica freaks out when Beel’s house is vandalized by bigots who leave a burning cross for them in the front yard. Jessica wants revenge, but Beel advises her to show restraint, now more than ever.

Oh, Alan Ball, you love your allegories tonight!

Sam’s boozing it up again, this time with Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum. He has another flashback to when he caught up with Charlene and her lover, got his money back, but regrettably shot and killed Charlene in the process. Why he’s so torn up over her backstabbing ass is beyond me.

Now I’m halfway to my deposit on this dumpy, little bar I’m gonna call Merlotte’s!

Sookeh barges into Fangtasia to ask Eric what he meant when he said he might not be around much longer. Eric moves in for a kiss, which Sookeh fights at first, but finally comes to her senses and kisses him back. Just as she demands to know why it is she shouldn’t trust Beel, Pam barges in. As much as I love her line, “Blah blah vampire emergency blah,” I gotta say, she has the WORST timing ever!

Yes, yes, YES!

Pam pleads with Eric to give Sookeh over to Closet King in order to save his own life. When he refuses, she is horrified to discover that he may have feelings for a human!

Closet King pops out of the shadows and propositions some gay hustler in an alley who (supposedly) is a Talbot-lookalike.

Arlene asks Holly if she could elaborate on the various ways one can terminate a pregnancy. Oh, no!

Hoyt finds Jessica at Merlotte’s to tell her that he broke up with Summer because he truly loves her. He promises to leave Jessica alone if she can say she doesn’t love him back. Naturally, she can’t, but Hoyt still leaves, a little dejected. Tommy was spying the whole time, and catches up with Hoyt outside to heckle him like a little prick. Hoyt takes the words right outta my fist, and pops the little runt in the face! Unfortch, Tommy morphs into a pit bull and viciously attacks Hoyt. Jessica runs to his defense, flings the pooch into the woods, and forces Hoyt to drink her blood in order to regain his strength. Peeping Tommy gets a bitter eyeful of Jessica and Hoyt rekindling their love right their on the ground.

Bear trumps dog every time!

Jason comes home and Beel gets pissy with him for letting Sookeh wander off. Jason’s had just about enough of Beel’s bad acting, and banishes the fug vamp from his home. Just then, he hears a noise in the back bedroom, and discovers a snarling black panther! Not surprisingly, the panther morphs into Crystal, but Jason is completely flummoxed.

Crystal, did you do something different with your hair?

Closet King is lying in bed with his hustler, who’s seriously whistling Dixie and waiting for this sad, old gas bag to grab his clothes and vamoose. But Russell has belly flopped off the deep end, and starts talking to the hustler like he’s Talbot. PS, did anyone else think the hustler was like a MUCH hotter version of Naveed from 90210? No? Anyways, Closet King flips his wig and stakes the hustler right in the heart, then says his final farewell to “Talbot.” Who knew Russell was such a big ole softie?!

The smeared war paint look doesn’t work for Ke$ha. And it doesn’t work for you.

In the final scene, Sookeh tells Eric she’s not some prisoner he can just keep locked up. Oh, but actually, Sook, you ARE! Eric grabs her and chains her up in his basement of horrors like some feral animal. It’s probably for her own good – but it’s a delicious cliffhanger!

Mee-oww! Save your breath, puss!

Thoughts? Comments? How do you think the season will end?! There’s only two episodes left after this! AGHH!!!