True Blood: Werewolf Quinceaneras

Wow, werewolves aren’t room temperature, and they go to the gym…a lot

Honey you can’t come in, the living room is a mess

Sam has a little talk with his mom, and finds out his family got kicked out of their house back in Arkansas.  Sam is still really ticked about almost getting robbed by blood relations, and tells his mom that they are just one of those families where everyone gets along much better if they live in their vans parked in other bar parking lots, and ideally in other states.

Sookie hangs up, and we find that Franklin is one of those people who uses food as a coping device when things don’t go his way.  Translation, he chomps down on Tara, and glamor or no, she starts screaming bloody murder.

Is it just me, or is Tara is the poster child for arranged marriages?

We cut back the Closet King’s where Bill and Lorena and having a little pillow talk.  Okay, not really.  Lorena is talking about how that was the best sex she had in decades (ooooooookay), and everything is extra special awesome because she and Bill are in luvvvvv again.  Bill quickly informs Lorena that he isn’t in love with her, which you would have thought that when he yanked her head 180 degrees to the rear would have been a big enough hint even for Lorena.  Bill says they just boinked so he could end things with Sookie in a way that would get ratings up for the show.

Lorena doesn’t want to hear this, because she figures that all it will take for Bill to come around is another 40 years.  Bill pictures another half century having to listen to someone with a worse accent then his, and throws Lorena into a wall 12 feet away, and slams the door.

I see Anna Paquin is gunning for another Golden Globe

We move on to the next day, and after a good night’s sleep Sookie has made a decision.  She’s going to keep looking for Bill, because otherwise the main plotline of the season would go right in the crapper.  Okay, she prattles off some stuff about wanting to talk to Bill face to face, but let’s face it; if Sookie packs it in at episode 4, we are stuck with eight hours of watching her serve Mike’s Hard Lemonade to extras at Merlotte’s this summer.

Anyway, Sookie announces that she wants the Werehunk to take her to that engagement party the bad werewolf pack is having tonight, and the Werehunk doesn’t want to do it, but lets face it; he going to end up doing that, because this plotline isn’t going to advance itself you know.

Back in Bon Temps, Lafayette is sitting in his NEW CAR!! and gives Tara a call to let her know that since he got this boss new ride, Tara can have his old car.  Awww, Lafayette is the best fake drug selling cousin ever!

Skunk hair is never going to die, is it?

While that is going on, we also see that they are having a retirement party for Sheriff Bud, and Andy gets named acting sheriff.  Well, on the one hand, law enforcement just got three times dumber in Bon Temps, but on the other hand, it just got four times more likely to randomly bellow “Piiiiiiiggggggg!”  I don’t know about you, but in my book, we call that a win.

Oh, and that’s not the only plotsy type thing happening at Merlotte’s.  Jason just happens to run into the new high school quaterback, who everyone says is going to break all of Jason’s records.  The kid is good looking, cocky, and a barely functional moron.  In other words, a carbon copy of Jason at that age.  Jason points out that sure the kid is on the top of the world now, but that in 10 years somebody else will be him, and then who will the kid be?  The kid can’t follow Jason’s logic, because, well, it’s Jason’s logic.  Not that it matters, because Jason declares victory and steals the kid’s pitcher of beer.

How can Sookie be both unconvincing as a blonde and a brunette?  Doesn’t that defy the laws of physics or something?

Bill tells the Closet King that the Queen and Eric are selling V, because she is getting keestered by the IRS. The Closet King thinks this is some pretty high grade poop, and can’t wait to snitch the queen out to the Magistrate.  In fact he is in such a good mood he tells Bill they are going to go out and celebrate, and they both exit stage right.

Back in Bon Temps, Franklin finally shows up at his motel room, and he’s brought flowers for Tara.  Awwwww.  He then proceeds to duct tape them into Tara’s hands.  Okay, not so awwwww.  He then takes Tara for a ride, but doesn’t untie her.  Have we mentioned in the last 30 seconds that Franklin is way beyond creepy?

Jess is having a less then stellar first night on the job, because first she finds out that she won’t get to be a waitress because you have to be at least 18 to serve alcohol.  This is a double bummer for Jess, because as she points out, she is going to be 17 forever.

Although Jess quickly forgets about the unfairness of state liquor laws, when the poop really hits the fan.  Chip from bible study just happens to wander into the bar, and he knew Jess back when she still had a pulse.  Things quickly proceed to get out of hand, because after praising Jesus for finding her, Chip starts making noise about letting Jess’s parents know where she is at.  This leads to Jess pulling Chip outside for an emergency glamoring session, which wipes Chip’s memory, but Hoyt just sees Jess talking to another guy and walks away all sad.   Awwww,  By the way, that last awwww was totally sincere as opposed to the average awwww around here.

We check in with Lafayette who seems to be giving this selling V stuff, a serious effort and trying to expand his sales force.  The only problem is he is trying to recruit those redneck peckerwoods that the cops busted a couple of episodes back.  The redneck peckerwoods aren’t excited to do business with Lafayette because it turns out they have problems with back people, and fabulousness.  This leads to Lafayette getting whomped on by like about four redneck peckerwoods.

Well that is until Eric shows up.  Eric holds the head peckerwood by his throat about two feet off the ground, and tells the guy if he doesn’t get with the program, Eric will kill all his cousin-brothers.  Boom, just like that, a sale is made.  No steak knifes for our Eric, he tells Lafayette to get in his car, and they exit stage right.

Eric Northman and The Art of the Deal

Back at Merlotte’s, Sam has wandered into the woods.  Okay maybe Arlene has a point about there not being enough help in the restaurant.  Anyway, Sam finds Tommy and brings him his clothes, which is a pretty nice thing to do seeing as his little brother has so far tried to get Sam mowed down by a semi, and tried to crack his safe.

Sam actually has a pretty decent big brother moment, and tells Tommy it might be in his best interest if he got the hell away from their parents, because they are a train wreck that drives around in a van.  Tommy tells Sam he can’t do it, because their folks are mega screw ups who end up selling their plasma in 72 hours if Tommy wasn’t around.  Sam realizes his little brother has a point, and makes a sad concerned face.  Whether it’s for Tommy, or the risk their parents present to our blood supply, but Sam is both sad and concerned when we cut out of the scene.

We cut back to Eric and Lafayette in Lafayette’ NEW CAR!!, where Eric is trying to school Lafayette in advanced sales techniques.  Seeing as Eric closed that last deal mainly due to being an unholy creature of the night, I don’t know if Lafayette will get the full benefit from Eric’s advice.

Not that it matters, because the jig is up.  That’s what Eric finds out when he gets a phone call from Pam, who tells him the Magistrate is raiding Fangtasia and found all their V.  Eric rolls down the window and disappears, and Lafayette doesn’t know he’s gone until he looks over and sees the empty seat.

While that is going on, Jason gets Andy alone in the men’s room at Merlotte’s.  Wow, that was a awkward sentence, huh?  And on some many different levels.

Don’t look, I can’t go if you look

Anyway, Jason tells Andy that he wants to be a cop.  Like right now, oh and Jason would like to avoid any tests, because, well it’s Jason.

Naturally,  Andy thinks this is a really bad idea, but that’s only because it really is a really bad idea.  Too bad for Andy, Jason blackmails him by telling Andy if he doesn’t make him Bon Temps newest crime fighter, Jason is going to tell everyone about Andy lying about shooting Eggs.  And Double too bad for Andy, because as the acting sheriff of Bon Temps he can put this hair brained scheme into operation.

Oh man, it sucks seeing Jason blackmailing his own buddy, but on the other hand, we get to see these two chuckleheads fight crime, so yay for blackmailing friends!

Back out at the Merlotte’s parking lot, Sam gathers his family around and makes them a deal.  He’ll put them up until they get back on their feet, and they won’t get drunk, and try to steal from him.  Everyone says sure, and they have another magical family moment in front of a van in a bar’s parking lot.

Am I the only one thinking that the phrase “This isn’t going to end well” should be on Sam’s family crest?

We cut over to the Closet King’s, where Franklin has shown up with Tara, who is still tied up, with those flowers duct taped in her hands.  The Closet King’s long time male companion isn’t happy to see Franklin.  I can’t be sure, but I get the feeling that maybe Franklin tied Long Time Male Companion up on a toilet seat one time too.  Not that it matters, because Franklin is there to see the Closet King, so he parks it on a bench.

It’s called living alone Tara, you should look into it

Anyway, we leave Tara at the Closet King’s with a look on her face like she just stepped in the Marianas Trench of deep doo-doo,

Back in Jackson, Sookie and the Werehunk make the scene at his ex’s party.  Nobody recognizes Sookie from the night before, because of her extra awesome disguise.  Hey quit making that face, it’s right in the script on page 37, see?

Are you trying to outskank me at my own party?  Bitch, do you know nothing of proper etiquette?

The WereEx is all set to boot Sookie out of the party when the Werehunk shows up.  Sookie is quickly forgotten as the WereEx starts telling the Werehunk what a loser he is for not taking the hint that relationship is over.  Oh by the way, in this situation, the hint in question just happens to be the WereEx boning a guy the Werehunk hates.

This gives Sookie the perfect opportunity to butt in and tell the WereEx, that the Werehunk just really cares for her and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her, that’s why people don’t take the hint when they get dumped by a phone call and keep searching for their vampire boyfriend.  Oh come on, did you really think Sookie was going to talk for more then 30 seconds, and not make it all about her?

Not that this matters, because this is right when the unfortunately named Cooter shows up.  He’s all set to kick the Werehunk’s ass, but the WereEx tells him to let the Werehunk stay so he can finally see that the WereEx is with the Unfortunately Named Cooter for realeezes now.  Also, if Sookie and the Werehunk get kicked out right before the big secret ceremony, the rest of the episode will have been kind of a waste.  Hey, kudos to you WereEx, most new characters don’t get right in there and start driving the plot, you rock girl!

The bad werewolves then pull off the WereEx’s skirt, but not her bikini top, and crowd surf her up to the stage at the other end of the bar.

While that is going on, Bill ends up in a big limo with the Closet King and Lorena parked in front of a strip club.  The Closet King and Lorena start talking about what they want for dinner, and tossing around words like, smoky and ethnic.  Being the low man on the totem pole, Bill gets sent into the club to pick up dinner.  Judging by the look on his face, this is the vampire equivalent of being the one who has to call the pizza place.

Back at Fangtasia, Eric shows up and finds out the Magistrate is like extra super pissed about all the V they found in his bar.  Eric is like extra super screwed right now, because if he says the V is his, he’s a goner, but if he admits the V is the Queen’s, then he’s a traitor, and apparently he’s a goner then too.

Pam saves Eric’s vampire bacon, when she tells the Magistrate it’s Bill’s V.  This is actually a pretty good lie, and Eric picks it up and runs with it.  He tells the Magistrate that he found out Bill was selling V, and that’s why Bill disappeared.  He asks the Magistrate to just let him continue his investigation, and Eric will make sure justice is served.

The Magistrate can kind of buy this story, because Bill killed that vampire for Sookie, so it’s well known he doesn’t play by the rules. Still, the guy isn’t a complete idiot, so he tells Eric he has two days to bring in Bill, or the Magistrate will stake Pam.  Eric makes a I just pooped myself face, but he exits stage right, to frame one of the stars of the show.

Back at the WereEx’s big coming out party, guess who shows up?  No, not Mr T, then it would be my super sweet 16 party, but I’m oversharing again.  No, it’s the Closet King.  He just shows up to give a little pep talk in German to the bad werewolves, and pour everyone a shooter of his vampire blood for the big event.

Contrary to popular belief, sunglasses do not automatically make everyone who wears them look cool

Sookie and the Werehunk have no idea what is going on, even though Eric told Sookie about the Nazi werewolves, and even though these guys have the same brands as those guys, so I’m guessing it will take another couple of episodes for Sookie to piece it all together.

Not that that matters right now.  Because the bad werewolves get all hopped up on V, brand the WereEx, and the unfortunately named Cooter turns into a wolf and starts howling.  This is when all the other werewolves, even the Werehunk start shifting into wolves.  The Werehunk tells Sookie to get the hell out of the bar, and when she’s not moving fast enough he does it with super bulgy eyes to scare the hell out of her.

And when the moon is full, and the banshees howl, the damned are cursed to walk the earth in the form of Marty Feldman

Of course because Sookie is in danger, Bill knows all about it.  The only problem is that he is in that big limo with Lorena, the Closet King (who disappeared and came back while Bill was in the strip club), and some stripper Bill glamored in the club.  You can tell Bill wants to rush off to rescue Sookie, but seeing as they broke up, he can’t.  Also it would mean bringing Sookie back to the Closet’s King, which would probably put her in more danger then she is in now.

Loreana and the Closet King start chomping down on the stripper, and the Closet King insists that Bill get his grub on too.  Bill then becomes the saddest man in history to ever bite a stripper on the thigh, and the last thing we see is the stripper’s blood dripping out of the bottom of the limo.  The End.

Wow, a pretty good episode.  Sure, it seemed to have a lot of stuff that just seemed to be setting things up for later in the season, but when you wait two weeks for a new episode, it’s a lot easier to put up with exposition and plot advancement.

“If there is one thing we know, we’ll never be worse parents then them.”  Great quote from Terry, and great guilty look from Arlene when he brought up them being parents together.  I’m still curious as to who’s Arlene’s baby daddy.  Sure she was with Rene before Tommy, but I could have swore that a couple months of story time passed between the end of season 1 and the start of season 2.  Didn’t Bill have to go lie in the dirt for awhile after he took his little noon time stroll at the end of season 1?  Anyway, I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing, because my theories on shows are always wrong.

Still, it was great to have my favorite show of the summer back.  What did you guys think of the episode?

Anyway, thanks for stopping by and we’ll talk again soon.