Well, if you thought season three of True Blood was a head-scratching, wild ride, then you ain’t seen NUTHIN’ yet, sweetie! Season four pics up right where season three left off, with Sookeh disappearing into the fantastical faery world with Claudine. “I have a faery godmother?!” Sookeh deadpans. HA! Sook bumps into Barry the bellhop (season 2 cameo!) who’s got a faery godmother of his own.
Well, he’s got the “fairy” part right.
The faeries start handing out glowing fruit called “lumieres” which everyone starts hungrily chomping into. If it was me, I’d be all, “Um, how many calories are in this thing?!”
Are these pesticide-free?
Sook seems just as suspicious as I am, but she’s temporarily distracted by the sight of her dearly departed grandaddy Earl (fab cameo by Gary Cole.) Earl’s all, “My, why big tits you have, lil Sook. I’ve only been gone for a week.” And Sook’s like, “Please, I’m hardly an A cup. And anyways, you’ve been gone for like, 20 years!!”
“Don’t bother me. I’m eating.”
The family reunion is cut short by Sook’s growing suspicions that everything is not all hunky dory in faery land. She tries to use telepathy to warn Earl, but unfortch, everyone in faery land can hear her. Queen Mab waltzes out and is insulted that Sook won’t eat her lumiere. When they try to force feed Sook, she blasts Mab across the room with her lightening hands, and the whole idyllic facade falls away.
My, what big teeth you have!
Queen Mab shows her true colors.
Ok, so this is where the show gets a lil wonky: Mab wants to harvest humans in order to close off the faery world forever. Sook and Earl get caught in the middle of some faery civil war, and they team up with some fugly rebels who help them jump into a giant portal pit which drops them back in the Bon Temps Cemetery. And this all happens in the span of 2 minutes.
Earl’s feeling a lil sicky poo, cuz he ate the damn lumiere, and now he’s dying. He gives Sook his old pocket watch to give to Jason, and then he keels over and dies. Gross.
He looks like an extra from The Walking Dead.
Easy come. Easy go. Sook cries and then skips homes, where she finds her home is being fabulously renovated. Some construction worker thinks she’s trespassing in her own home, and calls the cops – which turns out to be Jason!! And he’s sporting a dirty (sexy) goatee.
Jason scoops Sook up into a huge hug. She’s super confused by all of this – she thinks she’s only been gone 15 minutes – and even more confused when Jason tells her that she’s been missing for over a year! The whole town thought she’s been murdered or something, and eventually Jason sold her house to some mysterious yet financially generous company named AIK. Jason doesn’t believe Sook’s cock and bull story about the faery world until she gives him grandaddy’s pocketwatch.
Sook is then visited by two spooks: Beel, who thought she was dead because he couldn’t sense her presence, and Eric, who claims he never gave up hope on her. Ha! God, Eric’s manipulative. And sexy! Beel barks at him to leave, just as Sheriff Andy shows up, all pissed off at Sook for disappearing cuz of the taxpayer dollars he wasted searching for her ass. Beel covers for her by saying she was gone on important, covert vampire business. Zzz. Beel is so annoying. But for once, he doesn’t look like pasty dog doo. Maybe it’s his haircut?
He may be a tad more dashing, but Sook still feels betrayed by Beel, and asks him to keep his distance. Meanwhile, Jason suspects that Sheriff Andy has been dipping into the stash of V they confiscated, and it turns out he’s correct! Way to go, Columbo!
Lala (sporting a shiteous new mohawk) lets Jesus smooth talk him into visiting some hippie dippy witch’s coven. “It smells like where old air fresheners go to die!” he exclaims. LOL. They meet Jesus’ bespectacled lil gal pal Katarina (Alex Breckenridge) and then get down to business with the grand high witch, Marni, who channels Lala’s dead sugar daddy (Stephen Root cameo from season one) and spooks poor Lala.
Her first spell should be getting braces for that whack grill.
Arlene comes home and freaks out on Terry when she sees her baby boy Mikey sitting amidst a pile of headless Barbie dolls. She’s convinced that he’s going to turn into an evil monster, just like his daddy Rene.
She should be more concerned that he’s playing with dolls!
Over in New Orleans, Tara has completely lezzed out, and is now the reigning queen of some underground fight club world.
Back in Bon Temps, Jessica and Hoyt are experiencing a nasty case of domestic unbliss. The tension is broken of course when Hoyt slurps down Jessica’s rancid, runny egg concoction. It’s nasty – but somehow still cute?
I guess he likes his eggs “runny side up”??
In this post Russell Edginton world, poor Nan is desperately trying to enlist Pam and Eric to do vamp PSA’s in order win over the American public. HA! The idea of it is almost half as genius as Pam’s dour delivery of her lines on camera. (God, I love Pam!) Meanwhile, across town, Beel is on some smooth-talking PR campaign of his own at a some ribbon cutting ceremony, while getting eye raped by newcomer Portia Bellefleur (Courtney Ford) aka Sheriff Andy’s sister.
Everyone at Merlotte’s welcomes Sook back with open arms. Everyone but prickly Sam. And Tara – who’s no longer in town…
Speaking of which, I was just kidding before about Tara lezzing out in the boxing ring. Oh wait, I spoke too soon! She’s totally lip-locked with her ring mate in the alley after the show. Hardly a shocker – considering her bad luck with men. And PS, why is her girlfriend calling her “Toni?”
Jesus apologizes to Lala, and requests they try out the wacky witch coven again after work. Sheriff Andy pops in, jonesin’ for a fix, and tries to shake Lala down for some V, but the brother is clean for once!
I’m sorry, but what is this outfit?!
Hoyt’s mother has taken a crippled Tommy (apparently Sam didn’t kill him; he just shot him in the leg) under her fat, religious wing. They waddle into Merlotte’s and say grace over a basket of biscuits with extra gravy. They are a disgusting match made in hell, but it works in a sick, comical sense. Tommy needles Sam about his biscuits. Sam needles Tommy about his physical therapy. Tommy needles Sam about his anger management classes. LOL.
Tommy doesn’t need a tush cush. He IS a tush cush.
Cut to obligatory lesbian sex scene between Tara and her girlfriend. It would figure that she’d turn lez right when I thought her hair got cute. LOL. Lala texts her to say that Sook is back in town. Tara ignores it, and goes back to hot girl on girl action.
Sook hires Portia Bellefleur to help her get her house back from AIK, which Portia says is merely a PO Box in the Caribbean, but she’ll track them down. Sook happens to read Portia’s mind, and there’s a lot of hostility towards her client – especially where it comes to Beel.
Nobody asked your opinion, bitch!
Over at Fangtasia, Hoyt and Jessica try to patch things up on the dance floor. Too bad Pam catches her getting eye raped by some hot, blonde frat beefcake.
Meanwhile, Sam’s joined up with three other shifters for some sort of booze-fueled bitch sesh. A bottle of wine later and things de-evolve into a naked shifter orgy, and all four of them strip down, turn into horses, and run off for some frolicking in the woods! I shit you not.
Jason upholds his promise to Crystal and stops by Hot Shot with some food and supplies for the inbred yokel children. When he goes to check on the broken freezer, someone clubs him over the head and locks him in the freezer!!! Poor, pretty Jason. Always risking his personal safety for fellow dummies. PS, my money’s on that jerk Fenton being the culprit.
At the witch prayer circle that night, Marni asks the group to hold hands and help her bring her dead parakeet Minerva back to life. Things seem a bit phony baloney at first – until Lala joins the group, and suddenly Minerva’s flapping her wings, happy as a clam – and then BAM! She drops dead again.
Polly wanna cracker? No, Polly wanna rest in piece!!
Katarina is in total shock. Turns out she’s a big fat MOLE, and goes running straight to her boss, the new vampire king… Beel!! Oh! Good twist! But, wait, how did Beel wrest the crown away from Sophie-Anne? What happened after their epic showdown last season? So many questions unanswered!
Your majesty?! WTF??
Sook’s enjoying an evening of private naked time when Eric suddenly appears behind her. She freaks, cuz she thought she rescinded his offer to enter. But it turns out he can come in whenever he wants – seeing as how HE is AIK, and now that he owns Sook’s house, he owns her, too!
The hairs on the back of her vagina started to tingle. And so did mine.
Well, what did you all think of the season four premiere? It was the show’s highest-rated episode to date! Worth the wait?? Are you on Team Beel? Or Team Eric? And where is Alcide?? What twists and turns do you think we have in store for this “season of the witch?” Please leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading!