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Thursday, June 30, 2011
6:00 am
23 Comments
Tagged: Alex Breckenridge, Beel, Courtney Ford, funny, Gary Cole, HBO, lumiere, Queen Mab, recap, scott slifer, SlifeGoesOn, Sook, Sookeh, Sookie Stackhouse, spoof, Stephen Root, true blood, TV, tvgasm
Well, if you thought season three of True Blood was a head-scratching, wild ride, then you ain’t seen NUTHIN’ yet, sweetie! Season four pics up right where season three left off, with Sookeh disappearing into the fantastical faery world with Claudine. “I have a faery godmother?!” Sookeh deadpans. HA! Sook bumps into Barry the bellhop (season 2 cameo!) who’s got a faery godmother of his own.
Well, he’s got the “fairy” part right.
The faeries start handing out glowing fruit called “lumieres” which everyone starts hungrily chomping into. If it was me, I’d be all, “Um, how many calories are in this thing?!”
Are these pesticide-free?
Sook seems just as suspicious as I am, but she’s temporarily distracted by the sight of her dearly departed grandaddy Earl (fab cameo by Gary Cole.) Earl’s all, “My, why big tits you have, lil Sook. I’ve only been gone for a week.” And Sook’s like, “Please, I’m hardly an A cup. And anyways, you’ve been gone for like, 20 years!!”
“Don’t bother me. I’m eating.”
The family reunion is cut short by Sook’s growing suspicions that everything is not all hunky dory in faery land. She tries to use telepathy to warn Earl, but unfortch, everyone in faery land can hear her. Queen Mab waltzes out and is insulted that Sook won’t eat her lumiere. When they try to force feed Sook, she blasts Mab across the room with her lightening hands, and the whole idyllic facade falls away.
My, what big teeth you have!
Queen Mab shows her true colors.
Ok, so this is where the show gets a lil wonky: Mab wants to harvest humans in order to close off the faery world forever. Sook and Earl get caught in the middle of some faery civil war, and they team up with some fugly rebels who help them jump into a giant portal pit which drops them back in the Bon Temps Cemetery. And this all happens in the span of 2 minutes.
Earl’s feeling a lil sicky poo, cuz he ate the damn lumiere, and now he’s dying. He gives Sook his old pocket watch to give to Jason, and then he keels over and dies. Gross.
He looks like an extra from The Walking Dead.
Easy come. Easy go. Sook cries and then skips homes, where she finds her home is being fabulously renovated. Some construction worker thinks she’s trespassing in her own home, and calls the cops – which turns out to be Jason!! And he’s sporting a dirty (sexy) goatee.
Yes, please!!
Jason scoops Sook up into a huge hug. She’s super confused by all of this – she thinks she’s only been gone 15 minutes – and even more confused when Jason tells her that she’s been missing for over a year! The whole town thought she’s been murdered or something, and eventually Jason sold her house to some mysterious yet financially generous company named AIK. Jason doesn’t believe Sook’s cock and bull story about the faery world until she gives him grandaddy’s pocketwatch.
Sook is then visited by two spooks: Beel, who thought she was dead because he couldn’t sense her presence, and Eric, who claims he never gave up hope on her. Ha! God, Eric’s manipulative. And sexy! Beel barks at him to leave, just as Sheriff Andy shows up, all pissed off at Sook for disappearing cuz of the taxpayer dollars he wasted searching for her ass. Beel covers for her by saying she was gone on important, covert vampire business. Zzz. Beel is so annoying. But for once, he doesn’t look like pasty dog doo. Maybe it’s his haircut?
He may be a tad more dashing, but Sook still feels betrayed by Beel, and asks him to keep his distance. Meanwhile, Jason suspects that Sheriff Andy has been dipping into the stash of V they confiscated, and it turns out he’s correct! Way to go, Columbo!
Lala (sporting a shiteous new mohawk) lets Jesus smooth talk him into visiting some hippie dippy witch’s coven. “It smells like where old air fresheners go to die!” he exclaims. LOL. They meet Jesus’ bespectacled lil gal pal Katarina (Alex Breckenridge) and then get down to business with the grand high witch, Marni, who channels Lala’s dead sugar daddy (Stephen Root cameo from season one) and spooks poor Lala.
Her first spell should be getting braces for that whack grill.
Arlene comes home and freaks out on Terry when she sees her baby boy Mikey sitting amidst a pile of headless Barbie dolls. She’s convinced that he’s going to turn into an evil monster, just like his daddy Rene.
She should be more concerned that he’s playing with dolls!
Over in New Orleans, Tara has completely lezzed out, and is now the reigning queen of some underground fight club world.
Vomit.
Back in Bon Temps, Jessica and Hoyt are experiencing a nasty case of domestic unbliss. The tension is broken of course when Hoyt slurps down Jessica’s rancid, runny egg concoction. It’s nasty – but somehow still cute?
I guess he likes his eggs “runny side up”??
In this post Russell Edginton world, poor Nan is desperately trying to enlist Pam and Eric to do vamp PSA’s in order win over the American public. HA! The idea of it is almost half as genius as Pam’s dour delivery of her lines on camera. (God, I love Pam!) Meanwhile, across town, Beel is on some smooth-talking PR campaign of his own at a some ribbon cutting ceremony, while getting eye raped by newcomer Portia Bellefleur (Courtney Ford) aka Sheriff Andy’s sister.
Everyone at Merlotte’s welcomes Sook back with open arms. Everyone but prickly Sam. And Tara – who’s no longer in town…
Speaking of which, I was just kidding before about Tara lezzing out in the boxing ring. Oh wait, I spoke too soon! She’s totally lip-locked with her ring mate in the alley after the show. Hardly a shocker – considering her bad luck with men. And PS, why is her girlfriend calling her “Toni?”
Jesus apologizes to Lala, and requests they try out the wacky witch coven again after work. Sheriff Andy pops in, jonesin’ for a fix, and tries to shake Lala down for some V, but the brother is clean for once!
I’m sorry, but what is this outfit?!
Hoyt’s mother has taken a crippled Tommy (apparently Sam didn’t kill him; he just shot him in the leg) under her fat, religious wing. They waddle into Merlotte’s and say grace over a basket of biscuits with extra gravy. They are a disgusting match made in hell, but it works in a sick, comical sense. Tommy needles Sam about his biscuits. Sam needles Tommy about his physical therapy. Tommy needles Sam about his anger management classes. LOL.
Tommy doesn’t need a tush cush. He IS a tush cush.
Cut to obligatory lesbian sex scene between Tara and her girlfriend. It would figure that she’d turn lez right when I thought her hair got cute. LOL. Lala texts her to say that Sook is back in town. Tara ignores it, and goes back to hot girl on girl action.
Bow chick-a-bow-wow!
Sook hires Portia Bellefleur to help her get her house back from AIK, which Portia says is merely a PO Box in the Caribbean, but she’ll track them down. Sook happens to read Portia’s mind, and there’s a lot of hostility towards her client – especially where it comes to Beel.
Nobody asked your opinion, bitch!
Over at Fangtasia, Hoyt and Jessica try to patch things up on the dance floor. Too bad Pam catches her getting eye raped by some hot, blonde frat beefcake.
Hoyt who?
Meanwhile, Sam’s joined up with three other shifters for some sort of booze-fueled bitch sesh. A bottle of wine later and things de-evolve into a naked shifter orgy, and all four of them strip down, turn into horses, and run off for some frolicking in the woods! I shit you not.
Jason upholds his promise to Crystal and stops by Hot Shot with some food and supplies for the inbred yokel children. When he goes to check on the broken freezer, someone clubs him over the head and locks him in the freezer!!! Poor, pretty Jason. Always risking his personal safety for fellow dummies. PS, my money’s on that jerk Fenton being the culprit.
At the witch prayer circle that night, Marni asks the group to hold hands and help her bring her dead parakeet Minerva back to life. Things seem a bit phony baloney at first – until Lala joins the group, and suddenly Minerva’s flapping her wings, happy as a clam – and then BAM! She drops dead again.
Polly wanna cracker? No, Polly wanna rest in piece!!
Katarina is in total shock. Turns out she’s a big fat MOLE, and goes running straight to her boss, the new vampire king… Beel!! Oh! Good twist! But, wait, how did Beel wrest the crown away from Sophie-Anne? What happened after their epic showdown last season? So many questions unanswered!
Your majesty?! WTF??
Sook’s enjoying an evening of private naked time when Eric suddenly appears behind her. She freaks, cuz she thought she rescinded his offer to enter. But it turns out he can come in whenever he wants – seeing as how HE is AIK, and now that he owns Sook’s house, he owns her, too!
The hairs on the back of her vagina started to tingle. And so did mine.
Well, what did you all think of the season four premiere? It was the show’s highest-rated episode to date! Worth the wait?? Are you on Team Beel? Or Team Eric? And where is Alcide?? What twists and turns do you think we have in store for this “season of the witch?” Please leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading!
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23 Comments
Ugh, I think this show has jumped the shark. Eric better get topless/naked a lot this season to keep my interest.
Also: “The hairs on the back of her vagina started to tingle. And so did mine.”
Loves!!!
I loved how in the scene with Eric, Bill and Sookie that Bill clearly had some kind of authority, but no power, over Eric and Eric just kept yakking away as Bill got more and more frantic with him to leave. Then Eric just blew him off with an “Apparently, I have to go.”
I don’t know if this was in the book or not, so maybe it’s really Charlaine Harris’ fault, but if it was actually the show runner’s decision to make Bill the king instead of either a) keeping Sophie-Anne or b) casting someone else or c) Nan Flanagan forcing Eric to become king it was a bad decision.
Nothing about Bill beforehand indicated that kind of ambition and Stephen Moyer is the worst actor in the cast so seeing his dead-eyed smirking face in that scene just made me laugh. I could see the metaphoric moustache twirl he was so obvious. Hopefully that’s the point and Eric will once again be the thorn in Bill’s side and continue to flout his authority, but those in charge seem to actually like the Bill character so I think I’ll be rolling my eyes very hard at the whole Bill development.
Also, they need to find a more realistic color dye for Stephen Moyer because while his hair cut may be better his dye job is getting worse.
Ok, a couple of things confused me. 1) If that AVL woman is so darn important, why is she personally supervising some crappy commercial for some crappy bar in Louisiana? Despite her historic shown disdain for him, does she have a thing for Eric or something?
2)It’s been established the older and, theoretically anyway, ‘stronger’ vampires do not always even try to become king of a territory (re Godric, Eric being older than Sophie-Anne), but why would all the vampires in the district put up with a virtual baby vampire like Bill? Sure, he’s king now, but no need for Eric to act like his bitch, if you’ll forgive me (Eric was not looking so great TBH), and clearly Eric felt he would suffer if he didn’t follow a direct order from Bill.
Either way, some hilarious captions and commentary – this show makes it so easy sometimes – and actually I think I prefer Bill this way.
Great recap!
@vallegirl – The book equivalent to this season has Bill fading into the background character he was born to be. He’s mentioned again throughout the series but never on the scale of the first two books and certainly not as king.
I was so excited for this season, thinking it would follow the books. If it had Eric & Sookie would be the main focus, looks as if they are going in a different direction unfortunately.
Great recap Slife! I watched all of True Blood last year after I got sick of hearing about it. I loved it and wound up reading all the recaps and I am looking forward to reading recaps as I watch.
I thought this season opener was great. I loved how aloof and annoyed Pam was filming that commercial. She is my favorite. Supposedly, she is supposed to be on the show a lot this year and I am very excited.
I want to add more but I watched the 2nd episode already online and I do not want to give anything away. Tara being a lesbian was kind of shocking but fits her as well. Jason might actually start to grow on me and he does look pretty cute as a cop. *swoon*
I do have to say one thing. I will laugh hysterically if Mikey, Arelene’s baby, winds up being Terry’s like it looks like he will be. HAHAHA.
Great recap Again!
Team Eric, fer shure.
I don’t despise Beel, but he is a total pussy, and I hate that Alan has made Eric the bad guy when in the books, it’s clearly Beel who sucks. I’ll save the rest for arguing with fangirls on the imdb TB forum. They’re cray cray.
As for Beel as king, it makes more sense after episode 2, which I watched on demand. Don’t want to spoil anything.
And, I better get my gawd.damned. shower scene this season, or I’m gonna go Mikey on Alan’s head.
I highly recommend that everyone go and watch episode 2 on OnDemand or HBO.com. I thought the premiere episode was extremely boring, but episode 2 was really good, and the preview for episode 3 looks even better.
And Tara being a lesbian, or I guess technically bi-sexual now, was totally NOT a surprise. Now, if they would just kill her off. ugh. lol
I’m an Eric fan as well and I go at it all the time with Bill fans on the True Blood Facebook discussion boards. Not all Bill fans are immature so I don’t like to say they are as a whole. I know some sane Bill fans who can separate character from actor and acknowledge his faults. Eric fans are not saints either but no fandom is perfect.
Alot of people don’t want to accept the fact that the show is deviating from the books each season. I like where the show is going though I do have some criticism about certain characters and inconsistencies. Alan Ball, the creator and director, has a affection for Bill, a ‘Bill Boner’ if you will. Thats why it always seems that no matter how much Bill fucks up, he doesn’t get hit really hard with consequences til waaaaaaay later on.
I understand some people’s complains about this season versus the books but some bookies are just mad bc they don’t know what’s gonna happen next. Their superior and sometimes condescending feeling has been taken away and they can’t hold it over anyone. But they will spoil the hell out the books for you. IMO, if you are that upset with the show, just continue reading and never watch again. But some ppl just like to bitch.
The show and the books are two different mediums they’re not one in the same. I’m already liking season 4, which seems to look like it will redeem season 3, which just crashed and burned after episode 5.
As much as I want Jessica and Hoyt together(who are parallel to Bill/Sookie) they are heading for their final end I believe. Jessica seems to be moving past Hoyt and I kinda want her to explore life. Though Tara could never catch a break, maybe she was so angry before bc she was in the closet. Her hair looks gorgeous. I’m sick of Hotshot, Crystal and Jason’s storyline already.
In the 8 minute preview, I was okay with Fae world again, but with the episode as a whole, it didn’t work to me. There are inconsistencies with the time lapses. I was hoping to care about Sam again, but I don’t… I do not think there is anything wrong with Arlene’s baby, at least not yet. Whatever misfortune that happens I think it will be bc of Arlene, a ghost of Renee or Renee’s relative, or that creepy doll in Hoyt and Jessica’s house.
King Bill aka Queen Bill aka King Asshat. I saw it coming but that still doesn’t mean it makes a lick of sense. Season has just started and Bill is already being shoved down throats. I’m happy Sookie didn’t fall at his knees when she saw him again. And Portia’s thoughts said that Bill never mentioned Sookie at all. Eric buying Sookie’s house really shows that he never gave up on her. 1000 years gives you alot of patience. I am bummed that we haven’t seen Alcide yet. I do suggest you all watch episode 2, explains alot and is a better episode.
Alan Ball creates utterly annoying central couples (I still hate Nate and Brenda) and fantastic secondary and tertiary characters so I learn to accept that I will always want to punch one or both of them on a regular basis. Sookie at least stumbles around and screws things up and Paquin gets better at playing her each season, so TB is a step ahead of SFU on that front.
As for Eric’s patience, when he spends 2000 years as a plastic centurion guarding his wife who’s locked away in a box, then we’ll talk.
@Vallegirl: OMG! Clearly, you are a “Doctor Who” fan!! This propels you to the top of my gasmii list! How good have the last season and a half been? I always noticed the “Pond” / “River” thing… and I’m glad it paid off. Such a great twist. Who doesn’t love being right all the time??
SQUEE! OMG!! I’m way too old to be this excited about a show, but as much as I loved Doctor Who with both Eccleston and Tennant, this new cast is my favorite so far. All three of them have such a wonderful chemistry and bond and every time they let Rory be the hero I just sigh anew. They’re so great, I ended this season not completely hating River Song. (But I never put the River/Pond thing together.)
Episode One No Alcide = Fail. How could you leave him out of any episode?
I will agree with the rest of the commentors. Episode two is much better and brings things together. Episode one was all over the place and I didn’t understand the whole fairy BS. That actually doesn’t mean much because there’s alot about this series I don’t understand.
I feel awful for still not having seen one episode of Dr. Who.
I am happy to hear that so many people do not like Bill. I thought I was the only one and just assumed he was well liked by the general viewing audience since the whole show has been so centered around him. I am not a huge Sookie fan either, but if Eric and her were the focus she probably wouldn’t bother me so much.
I like Tara, and think this new Tara is completely fitting and perfect, and am interested to see where she collide back into the vampire world, which you would think she would have already done being in the fightclub underworld, wouldn’t vamps be all up in that scene?
I haven’t read the books, but it sounds like I would like the way the story is going way better. I would love for Pam to have a more leading role, and have some actual personal storylines involving her and her history, I loooove her.
Jason looks uber hot this season. He always kinda ughied me out with his whole moronic good ol boy playboy thing he used to have going, but ironically I find him attractive as a dogooder cop, which is super rare for me!
Excited to see what the rest of the season holds. Wasn’t too keen on the faery world sneak peak we got to see. I could do without a lot of the super scifi fantasy stuff, like the stuff with Maryann was all a bit much for me, so faeries, um, yeah, thats probably why sookie annoys me so much, I can do without faeries…
I think Arlene is insane, and will make her perfectly fine baby crazy. Thanks for the recap!
The second episode really is SO much better than the first. I think the first episode was just so all over the place because they had to explain SO much. Sookie, and the viewers, missed out on an entire year in the rest of the characters’ lives so they had to play catch up and show us what everyone was doing. So over Hot Shot, Tommy and Sam. Lafayette’s hair looks dumb but Tara’s new weave looks great.
Oh and Jason looks like a stripper in his cop uniform. But still so sexy.
For all you people who think you’re over Sam, have you seen him dance with a kitten?
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2aee0e6312/hot-dudes-with-kittens
Please stand by for this important PSA: ATTENTION ANNA PAQUIN: Listen to Sam Tramwell speak for awhile. He is a New Orleans native. He is what you need to sound like. Hell, go listen to Ryan Kwantan – he NAILS Jason’s good ol’ boy accent, but four seasons in and you still can’t fool me, girl.
Thank you for your time.
If I had to pick a vampire, it would be Erik, but the vampires never really appealed to me in the first place. Erik is dry and diabolical, though, and he has Pam and her awesome one liners. Stephen Moyer just has my sincerest desire to get off my screen already.
I’m sad you didn’t point this out (or maybe I missed it) but between Gary Cole’s cameo and the witches trying to channel Eddy (Stephen Root) it was almost an Office Space reunion on True Blood. Yay!
Okay, now here is my rant: I love Sam. He is one of my favorite characters on the show, and I absolutely HATED what Alan Ball did to him last season. I could see Sam being angry about what his family was, but the 180 he made into Raging Asshole was awful to watch, considering that up to that point he was a very good person who would give you the shirt off his back and let his own employees walk all over him. I’m just saying that the poor guy had better get a break this season, is all. I don’t know how I feel about his direction so far.
And I agree with everyone who thinks Alcide needs to be around more often.
This season is going to need to get a whole lot sluttier, and by sluttier, I mean naked Eric. Bill couldn’t cast an authoritative figure over a dollhouse, let alone serve as Vampire King of Louisiana. At least he appears to not be wearing pleated khakis anymore.
PS. Eric can own my ass any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
And word to Nate and Brenda sucking the lifeblood out of me. It was always David and Keith.
The first rule of underground lesbian fight club is not to make a face when the show runner tells you your character will be in an underground lesbian fight club this season.
Great recap, thanks!