True Beauty: Booties in Motion

This week on True Beauty, The beauties take action sports photos. America’s next top model fans beware, there are always those lame catches that make the contestants seem more “human,” like tests of “Compassion,” “selflessness” and…”non-dickheadishness.” Okay, I made up the “non-dickheadheshness. ” It’s not a word, just a state of mind.

Mr. Caddywhompus is….TRUE BEAUTY.

As CJ comes back to the house, the other Beauties ruminate about who will be coming back and who will be going. Some are suprised to see CJ, but it seems as though Ray has caught on (or his agent clued him in) to the fact that Beauty isn’t all about looks…or bad skin…or cro magnon features.

Beauty. Within. Gotcha.

Man-ique talks about how she wishes Chelsea would be kicked out of the house and into a vat of clearisil. Man-ique goes on to say that Chelsea is a lot of hair and makeup and that her head is filled with aerisol. Which, of course, is all true. Still, I think Man-ique is trying to get the attention away from her nutsack, which she secures down with duct tape so she can wear spanks all the live long day.

CJ, after a life-changing elimination ceremony, decides to confront Man-ique about her badmouthing Chelsea. Man-ique talks about Chelsea “not being herself” and being “fake.” Wha? What’s fake about that skin, that hair, that smirk? It seems all to real to me, blech. All too…blotchy. Oh, and here’s our little Nancy Drew now…

It’s like a scene from the lion king, if it were live action and acted by skanks.

Of course Chelsea didn’t think Man-ique was two faced. Well, she is. And now, Chelsea, why don’t you give a reactionary, condescending face. Awesome! Check. The next day, Nole and Cheryl wait for Vanessa, who always seems to come into the secret spycam room late, and looking like a pirate-librarian.

Pirate, librarian, awkward 8th grade girl auditioning for a school musical?

Of course, Nole is “so ready” for the next challenge. I swear to god, if I hear Nole using “so” synonymously with….every adjective on the planet, I’m going to puke. On his facial hair. Which doesn’t leave me much puke, but pukers can’t be choosers.

Nessie heads down to the Beau-crew living room, and tells the beauties to split into four groups. Immediately, “Jocks” and “Nerds,” form, basically meaning “slightly more athletic attractive brainless people” and “slightly less athletic attractive brainless people” groupings.

We’re jocks. We own sneakers and sports bras.

Then, they have to choose team captains. Of course, Joel gets to be the “jocks” captain. I guess…..on the other hand, who else? That is, if we are basing leadership on bone structure of the lower jurassic period. You win, Joel! The other team tentatively agrees on CJ. Nice.

Three fists for leadership. Huzzah!

The Beauties learn that the losing team captain will not get their protein shake and will probably go home. Also, the person with the worst photo will get their nipple cut off. Sound cruel? Don’t worry, most of these “beauties” have an extra nipple to spare, anyway. We should reward genetic freaks with hugs, kisses, and national TV spots!

As half the beauties train, the other half will be tricked into thinking someone exists besides them. This person is an indie-looking actor posing as a makeup artist.

Hi, I’m Jennifer. When I’m not acting like a Betty Paige wannabe who likes to cut herself, I’m a Betty Paige wannabe who likes to cut herself.

Jennifer will be going through a breakup and being oddly rude and unprofessional. The beauties will have to… I dunno, feed her shit ? Rub her back….? Something to make this bitch feel better. And, in true fashion, they will be taped and judged.

So, the “nerd group” gets tested for being good people first. I think the conversation between Jennifer and Chelsea is hilarious, where Jennifer the actress asked Chelsea, the “before” clearasil ad, if she wants to be in a bathing suit, or something. Chelsea takes forever to make faces and decides that a “skort” would be better. Okay, when is a SKORT ever better? Maybe when you’re Chelsea…

A skort: Heavily pixellated, heavily douchey.

Then Chelsea wrastles with her Bra.

Beauty cannot be held down by low-grad spandex.

Ray tells the actress she has something in her teeth, but miraculously doesn’t get a “pass” from the Judges. Come on!!

I spy some Caesar Salad.

Jessica has lots of phone calls and eventually goes outside to cry. And who comes to the rescue? Why It’s a walking anus!

No, Just CJ in Ed Hardy.

Whilest CJ helps the woman in fake turmoil, Cheryl’s face puckers and produces a single, crystalline tear. And, Man-ique burps. Which is more appalling? Meh, I’d say it’s too close to call. Then, the “Jocks” go into wardrobe and LLL keeps bitching about wearing a pleated skirt and not shorts. Hey, I wanna know: what the fuck is wrong with shorts? They’re sensible, comfortable and easy to move in. I swear by shorts, LLL and if you can’t well…I’m not sure if we can ever be friends. Yep, I mean that. Don’t cry, LLL. Someday, someone will want to be besties with you. It might be post-rehab, but I’m not a psychic, I just have a Ph.D. in Psychic-eragnosticism. It’s a major. TRUST ME.

it’s like a Retarded Model UN.

Paggie asks Jennifer if she is okay, and she passes. Billy, however, seems to have a permanent look of disgust plastered across his face during the wardrobe session. And, of course, he wants as much muscle showing.

Did somebody make a poopy?

Ugh, why is Billy such an asshole? Can he not find a Coke dealer in LA? That sounds like a toughie.

Later, CJ learns he fucked up his foot. And not just because they look fucked up, like the nurse said in the Science challenge.

I love this picture.

CJ starts bunny hopping around and the rest of the team feels screwed. The next day, the beauties get all costumed up in what can only be described as a D grade America’s Next Top Model Photo Challenge. Way to pull all the stops, ABC.

The red (jock) team gets all weird and team-y, and Joel tells everyone how their hair should be done. Geez. Why don’t you jack all your teammates off while you’re at it? Keep the heat up. Billy is equally enamored by Joel’s form and penis size during the shoot, and smiles in a crusty, red-eyed coke-y way.

It’s not gay if it doesn’t leave the gym.

Paggie and LLL look all hot and girly for their photographs, but Billy looks like he’s taking a dump mid-air.

Air Poopy

Even better, however, was the blue team. How come Ray always look a little like an English Fop, even while playing basketball?

Oscar Wilde would be proud.

CJ decides he wants creative control over eveything, because, you know, he’s never been on the chopping block. Right? He grills Chelsea so she looks like a parapalegic whilest she volleys her ball. Wow, these beauties really know how to rally together, don’t they? Watch out world- there might be a constituency of beautiful revolutionaries in our midst. NOT!

Chelsea has a “great picture,” meaning one that, uh, didn’t make her look like a burn victim but had her hands right in front of her mouth. Again, it was A GREAT PICTURE. God, I wish I could obscure Chelsea’s mouth all the time, and remove the word “shocking” from her vocabulary.

Chelsea, give me “Shocked.” Um, perfect…?

Man-ique looks good, too, because a shadow obscures her mannish chin. Man, but what about her penis?

But by far is CJ’s “Action shot performance.” Though I want to smack the zits right off her face sometimes, she was right in saying that CJ looked like a “wet noodle.”

Or a fifth grader with leg braces

CJ thought his picture looked “nonchalant.” Sure. I mean, come on- you were on the chopping block last week, why would you not put forth um, a little effort? They all awkwardly congratulate each other and go home for a toga party, which quickly makes known that CJ never went to college, and looks at everyone like they are NUTS for knowing what things like “Togas,” “greeks,” “Alphabet soup” and “buttered popcorn” are.

Buttered popcorn?!!!? You white girls are crazy.

So everyone comes down in their togas, and get their DRANK on. And started acting silly. And, ate grapes. Yawn. Come on, let’s see a jack off session, or SOMETHING. Oh good, FINALLY, some Truth or Dare. First question to a cokehead! Billy gets asked on a scale of one to ten how attractive he finds LLL. He says “8.7 and cllimbing…” Ew. Billy’s like…87. and LLL can do better, even though her brain could pass for a single cell organism and her accent gets grating. Plus, she’s like 22, right? Come on, LLL, at least go for someone who doesn’t ooze protein shake.

LLL also says Billy is “SO not her type.” What, you mean, old? And with (crinkles nose cutely) MORALS? Church n’ stuff? I bet Church is a code word for coke dealer, Idaho style! Man-ique dares LLL to give Senior Billy-pants a lap dance. Of course, Billy and LLL politely cringe and then some grotesquerie ensues.

Bridging the generation gap.

Of course, Chelsea looks on in disgust. Yeah, Chelsea. You should totally be passing judgement. EVERYBODY likes you.

What’s not to like?

Then Ray gets dared to streak. Ray likes to streak. Ray’s sober. Ray likes to talk about himself in the 3rd person. Everyone squeals. Come on, let’s see some more misguided attractions. Or, like some back acne (bacne). Chelsea?

After the break, Nessie puts on a smock and talks beauty. As in, who had the best action shot.

I been’ finger paintin.’ GUFFAW GUFFAW.

In terms of the Red “Jock,” team, Billy looked intense, LLL looked like a cute little tennis fairy, Paggie looked like she just sucked off the other volleyball team (Nole: VERY Bettie Paige) and Encino Man looked like he was about to murder someone with his KILLER ABS! Get it? I’m awesome.

The “nerd team all looked like they were taking a collective dump on sports. Chelsea and Man-ique’s faces were obscured (I’m confused- doesn’t that improve the shot), Ray looked like he was shitting himself, and CJ looked semi-comatose (wah, wah, my poor foot. Yawn).

In the end, CJ and Man-ique are up for elimination. CJ says something dumb like “we both did out best.” and Man-ique starts to mutter and blubber something about “failure,” and “pre-op.”

I just want to be a woman! Uh, I mean, please don’t send me home.

Man-ique shits on Chelsea’s picture as she pouts and gets her shit packed for the hall of beauty. CJ talks about how he wants to “win this” for people who don’t think they’re attractive enough. Really? how does he plan on making people feel better about themselves by being a competition that he thinks is based solely upon looks and communication of these looks thereof? Ugh.

in the top secret spy room, Nole, Cheryl and Nessie talk about how CJ helped the wardrobe actress and Man-ique didn’t. Still, I’m sure NONE of them, in the same situation, would’ve done SHIT. Okay, Nessie might’ve called her boyfriend to come over and punch the wardrobe lady out, or sing to her, which is just as bad.

CJ admits he didn’t do the best job in terms of “Team Captain,” “being not lame” and “morale.” He heads out all suited up (taking the note from last elimination) for the ceremony.

The final straw is this: Fat man. Empty water bottle. Upperhand throw. Trash can. You do the math. Do the beauties pick up the bottle and throw it away? I actually found more pleasure in watching the ridiculous actor chuck a big bottle of backwash at a garbage can. Man-ique- doesn’t notice! Wha? Who doesn’t notice a two liter bottle spraying half of hollywood with hot cheeto smelling backwash?

We don’t get to see CJ’s reaction till after the elimination….

Nessie asks Man-ique why she should stay. She promptly starts crying. Perfect!

Showcase…myself…sniffle…cupcake…spray tan….

Man-ique totally wants it over CJ. CJ gets asked the same question, and gives the same old preachy spiel about spreading the “lesson” that beauty is on the inside. Really? I’m wondering how CJ plans to teach that lesson, and if he really believed it, why isn’t he sixty pounds heavier and content eating ho ho’s for breakfast. Ugh, all these people are despicable, especially CJ- I can’t stand his preachy BLATHER!

(insert egotistical Barista joke here)

And why is Nole so impressed that CJ is wearing a suit? Jesus. You could put a suit on my cat and it’d have a higher IQ than CJ.

And with better penmanship.

God, I love that photo. Anyhoo, Man-ique goes home. Now who will fill the house with testosterone? Man-ique finally takes responsibility for being lame, cries some more, says thanks, cries more, and leaves.

How hard they fall…

I’m not quite sure about the “jump on the bandwagon” make fun of people argument, considering it seemed like Man-ique was the only one doing it. Oh well. Trash men?

Thanks, Tyra.

Until next week, Babycakes!