True Beauty: Pretty Like Science!

***And now please welcome home Monamonzano with True Beauty!!

Can you see my soul? Well, it’s hot.

The question True Beauty poses is: can beauty be measured by science? Yes. Can Douchiness? Science hasn’t progressed that far, folks.

Hey Y’all! Velkommen to Ashton Kutcher’s new show. No, it isn’t punked. Well, actually, it sorta is. Only the people who are getting punked are no-name losers who think “looking like a celebrity” means excessive steroid use. Hmmmm…but who should host this gem of a reality show? Who….someone with zero personality…

Tiegs in Mesh?

An overweight fashionista? (no, the other one)

No, no, no. That’s all wrong. Jessica Simpson? Naw, Someone more C list, sloppy second-y. Oh yeah! Miss ex-Teen US Jailbait something. VANESSA MANILLO!

I only do infomercials and shows about ugly people.

Oops. Sorry, that’s Vanessa Williams. My bad. Same first name, though, so I should get, I dunno, like one hundred bucks. Wait! Here she is.

Does anyone need a handjob?

Oh, sorry. That’s a sloth. A little more personality than we’d prefer. OH! Here’s our little lady of the hour….

Promises….

Yep. That’s what I’m talking about.

Anyhoo, the show begins with your standard cheesy intro and then Vanessa is letting the secondary judges, Nole Merin and Cheryl Tiegs, check out the judging-stakler-booth. Nole gives a choked-up “Wow,” because I guess lots of T.V.s and chairs are impressive. Vanessa goes on to say that the ten lucky contestants are on their way to their mansony-built-for-tv playplace.

And apparently, the economy is bad enough so that ABC got some really flat-stomached extras to come hang out in front of the mansion. Is this a union gig? Is that a stupid question?

Wow, I hope ABC is paying the extras more to hoot and catcall as the contestants pull up…Jesus. The first car is a…Yellow lambroghini? Wow, well I’m no car expert but I sort of assumed they’d get something that isn’t…so…1981. But whatever, some of these contestants come from small towns, right? I bet they won’t notice.

Whoever invented yellow should be shot.

First we have Laura Lee, the swimsuit model. Arguably, she’s the most attractive person on that show. I mean, I’m not factoring disease, skin-related, fake-implant related or vagina related, to be fair. Still, we have more to meet, so I’m going to place any diseases that I “diagnose” (because I have a doctor’s license, and a Ph.D. in awesome) aside. After a montage of lovely Laura Lee flipping her hair by the chocolate fountain, we meet Billy.

“Vitamin Store”?

Now, TELL me this guy does not have a coke problem. I dare you. And these days, does gut-churningly-fake mean beautiful? Ugh, I could harpoon small woodland animals on Billy’s gelled hair. And, I just might. What? I’m getting hungry. And you better believe I ain’t no pussy vegetarian.

I think Billy the Vitamin Store owner is about to Climax.

And, he’s from Idaho. Is there a lot of Coke in Idaho? I sense another masters thesis coming on. Yeah, I write theses in my spare time. The next contestant, Monique, I’m fairly confident as a man. Hey, does having a small cock and balls duct taped under your miniskirt mean you’re androgynous? Apparently. Jesus, she could wrestle a BEAR. The last person I knew who could do that…well..was ME. The Difference between Monique and myself is that I’m ALL WOMAN.

I’m clearly not.

Actually, I’m sort of impressed they even picked a girl for this show that doesn’t have embarrassingly long, teased, ill-maintained hair extensions. Kudos, ABC, for being progressive. (and yeah, I said Kudos). So Monique, after almost mauling Lovely Laura Lee with her gigantic man-paw, tells the other two beauties that she got a degree in biology but now just “club dances.” Which I’m assuming is a fancy term for going to gay bars and getting drunk enough to wrestle the men for extra cash. Hey! Another person to WRASTLE! What’s this guy about?

I Joel. I like fauxhawks, ugly tattoos and rape.

Joel. A Software salesman whose only real reason to look good is to look good naked. Well, sorry, Joel. Some of us were born lookin goood naked. I’m not going to name any names, but that person is me. Joel meets the crew as they’re busy giving offhand compliments to Billy, who is fishing. Billy, come on. If anyone had any coke, I’m sure they’d be doing it by now.

Hey, it’s a douche-conference.

Next, Julia. Hi. I’m Julia. I’m a pageant girl. Ugh, always one of these. I mean, does this girl really think she’s exceptionally pretty? Give it ten years, and she’ll get thunder thighs, get married, and be just like her mom, cooking Sunday breakfast at the local VFW.

Macaroni Salad, Anyone?

And for the record, “College graduate,” and “pageant queen” are not occupations (I’m looking at you, man-face and paggie queen). Of course, paggie decides to introduce herself to the millions of people who will be mocking her on a weekly basis by talking about the perks of her fake, semi-permanent eyelashes. But wait- this gaggle of beauties is missing someone essential- a proud black man. OH WAIT. THERE HE IS….

Behold, a headshot.

CJ is a coffee barista but also an Ebony greek god, according to him. I’m guessing that there won’t be words like “modesty” or “sense of humor” being thrown around this show. CJ thinks he’s Michael Jordan, but without talent, fame or money. So wait- you’re both black? I think Paggie got a little nervous when they all awkwardly hugged hello, too. I know, black people can be SCARY, especially when you’re mildly racist.

Please don’t hit me or take my things…

Okay. Hey, and y’all have to LOVE the ridiculous inserts of people checking out the hotties. It’s like it’s pained and they’re all picturing their paychecks when they do it. Except for Tila Tequila here, who seems to have stumbled onto the set.

Hey, you all look douchey. Wanna make out?

Chelsea, for the record, is also a big ol drag queen, only hideous-er. Or, she could’ve been double-booked on the rock of love tour bus. She think’s she’s gorgeous, of course, but she seems, also, like a SUPERBITCH. You know people that look bitchy, like right off the bat? Well, I think I will crown her queen of these people, and let her reside over them in all of her drag-queen glory.

Horsey face? Did you get out of the wrong hot-wheels car, hon?

Then they all start to name their ages…and everyone seems to be 21 but Billy, who is 31 lines of coke old. Awww, he counts in lines. That’s adorable. I’m guessing our Chelsea is 48 penises old.

Then, the first taste of bitchiness, when Joel says “Drumroll please” and Julia sarcastically responds, but hides her sarcasm with more sarcasm and hides that sarcasm in bitchiness. Man, I wonder if any of them have Nobel prizes. Maybe our next lucky filly, Hadiyayyyahhhayaha. Apparently, she’s beautiful. In any case, I know her name is.

My mom was hopped up on painkillers when she named me. Then, I changed it to something even uglier.

As Paggie, the whitest girl in the room (but possibly, also the nicest?) struggles with Hadiyaliahayaya’s name, we finally get a nautrally Aryan contestant (sorry, Chelsea). She’s also the first one who doesn’t look vaguely like a man….It’s Ashley, a designer’s assistant who seems to have a real occupation. Well, almost. I would guess, from the looks of her, she leads Safaris. Which is cool, because I hunt big game (catch and release, though. I’m mean but also merciful).

My underwear is made of tusk.

And next is Ray, who describes himself as cocky. No shit, that’s like Paggie describing herself as (giggle) racist. Or Monique describing her crotch as “where my cock and balls are located.”

These thumbnails are making momma dizzy.

Apparently, he’s some kind of an “artist.” Really? Paint me a picture of your ego. What? Not enough canvas in the US to do that? Well, then you’re fired. You know, it’s hard to find a good artist in this town- geez. All I want is a good half-naked portrait of myself covered in Jell-o pudding. Sigh.

Vanessa Manillo manically claps her hands as the ten contestants toast what looks like red Kool-aid.

A Douche consortium.

Vanessa sends in a hired actor to “shake thinks up a bit.” LITERALLY.

One of many paid actors on this show, if I had to venture a guess.

Vanessa Manillo, we also learn, guffaws like white trash. I mean, this lady’s mouth is never shut. (insert Nick Lachey joke here)

Catchin’ flies and foolin’ beauties

So literally, the waiter looses his shit and chocolate and kool-aid goes flying everywhere. It’s like a 3rd grader’s wet dream, but with, you know, a couple-a skanks running loose in it.

An American Tragedy.

Lovely Laura Lee gets her lucky golden stripper shoes all soiled in chocolate (yeah, like it’s the first time that that’s happened) and she and Hadilyaayaya get all pissy. Listen, LLL, they’re just shoes. You should’ve bought another pair while they were on the Payless Clearance Rack (BOGO, anyone?) . I bet you can run over to the Payless on vine and fountain quick to get a new pair before anyone misses you. Just leave your implants, and it’ll be like you never left.

This is how you say “I’m pissed” in Skanky Sign Language.

Ray actually helps Joel and Monique towel off. That’s nice. Wait, does Ray have an erection? No, that’s just an LA looks spray can in his pocket, my bad.

Cheryl Tiegs as Skeletor.

Nessie and the Judgies come out and meet the beauties (literally, the judges could be a couple of baboons and a pile of hair extensions, and the show would have the same result) and everybody CROONS. Even Chelsea, in her own, mannish, bitchy way.

Somebody give this “beauty” some clearasil, please.

Nessie tells them that the winner wins 100,000 bucks and gets to be in People. So? I’ve been in people 4 different times, three for my beauty and one time because I was in a Lunesta ad. Chew on that, Beauties.

So then Nessie tells them to check out their house, and Joel thinks he has this challenge in the bag. Really? Because to me you look like Brendan Frasier in Encino man.

Only Brendan Frasier has better hair.

Then, somehow, everyone has changed clothes (oh those mysterious editors!) and are clomping through the house. Surprise surprise, the house is dope but the bedrooms suck: the beds are double and look like they’ve been decorated by a fifth grade girl. Still, everyone’s drooling ove them because their picture is over the bed that is theirs. So, sorry- a fifth grade girl that knows how to patronize a Kinko’s. My bad.

I feel like i’m in hell.

For real, if I were 31, I’d be seriously pissed I was sleeping in a baby bed, 3 inches away from a bunch of 21 year olds. Still, Billy looks thrilled.

Hope y’all don’t mind: I only wear a shirt to bed.

Then, the token insert of the moon, and then, the sun. As if we can’t possibly conceptualize a night going by without physical proof. Damn you editors!!!! The women wake up and start curling their lashes. Oh, I’m sorry, the women and Monique wake up and start curling their lashes while the guys jack each other off and lift some weights.

We work out next to bottles of our own urine. It’s good luck.

Oh wait- but where is CJ? Oh, sorry, he’s journaling. GAY.

I like to pontificate in my Ed Hardy wear.

Chelsea sashays over and he starts letting out his enevitable sob story about being a fat kid on the inside, and a guy who thinks he’s Michael Jordan on the outside. Chelsea, of course, is disgusted. Fat kids? Ewwwww.

Someone get this woman (man?) 80 mgs of Clearasil, stat.

Just kidding, actually, under all that bad skin…Chelsea is also harboring a fat kid! No way! And I think she has a little somethin’ on her cheek. Hopefully, it’s Clearasil.

Semen-face! ooo!

Ugh, then we spend a good amount of time watching the contestant get beautiful (aka, douchey) and then LLL tries to figure out how to do dishes. Oh, and Chelsea is a bitch and badmouths Paggie when she tries to get into the bathroom to make her pageant punim up. Then, Nessie greets them looking actually sort of cute, and tells them that science will judge their beauty this round. Of course, everyone, including Encino man, is absolutely mind-boggled.

Sciiiience? Ow, my head.

But before they go, Chelsea doesn’t miss another opportunity to make fun of Paggie and talk about her own pizza-face as being “celebrity.” Gag me.

Apparently, Chelsea and I have very different definitions of “celebrity.”

So they get into their “Beauty Bus” (more ooohs and aaaahs for a limo. Yawn) and when they get to the Doctor’s office, Encino Man and Chelsea get into another tiff when Chelsea openly mocks LLL’s accent (oh yeah, she does sort of have an obnoxious New Jerseyesque accent). Encino doesn’t like it and Chelsea pulls the bitch out of its shell. Ugh, it looks like she rolled out of her John’s bed and someone blind cast her for the show- really. OH, and take that hooker joke and add in bad skin. We can’t forget her disgusting skin, can we?

So we meet creepy Dr. Palmer and his assistant, Debbie, a plant. I think that band-aid on her ear is a microphone, or she just can’t stand the contestant’s banter. I’m guessing the latter.

We really, seriously have to interact with these people, Doctor?

Paggie goes first, and Debbie sorta insults her by saying her butt is a “granny butt” which is actually less insulting than it is foreshadowing. Paggie also passes the next test that Nessa and the gang set up, which is leaving the groups medical files out for perusal. As a note- I love how they put everyone’s picture on the front of the file. Maybe some of the beauties are illiterate? God, I hope so.

Next is CJ, who voices belligerently that he doesn’t believe in the “scientific method” (HA) of beauty. Who asked what you thought, Mr. Michael Jordan? He, too, passes the “File test.”

Ohhh! some cameraman just came from Film School. …

LLL goes next, and Dr. Palmer paws her little neck and tells her it’s…um, beautiful? LLL FAILS the file test and everyone in the judging nook is shocked. Really? Come on. Isn’t it the doctor’s responsibility not to breach the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement? LLL was just…doing some light reading. I mean, she had already read the OK! Magazine in the lobby. Give the bitch a break!

Tee Hee. Marky-Marker tickles!

Encino Man, Chelsea and Ashley all pass the test.

Ashley would’ve failed, too, but she got sidetracked by some blank post-it notes.

Billy and Monique didn’t look at the files, but Ray and Hadiyaualduuuylaila do. OOPS!

Fail, also, at life.

So, the beauties gather around for the results, and they are….results? I don’t know. Anything about 85 is good looking, 95 “star quality.” What does that even mean? And, where do people like Danny De Vito and Carrot Top fit into this equation?

Ray (who always seems to look constipated and high) gets a 92.

Monique (who always seems to look like a man) gets a 91. She actually looks a lot like Hedwig, a la Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Only, less talented and with bigger nutsacks.

Ashley gets a 94, while CJ gets all pissy because he doesn’t like being, um, Judged on beauty. Uh…I think you’d be better of as a cast member on…I dunno…I love New York or Cheaters or something. C’mon, man! He sounds SO DUMB. Cheryl Tiegs says something but isn’t mean enough. Who is the mean judge??? We need a mean judge. Still, CJ gets a 94. Meh.

Billy gets a 95, despite being an old-ass.

Encino man gets a likening to brad pitt, and also 95.

LLL gets a 94, and then the remaining three women get called up. Chelsea bitches about being “not ugly,” truly grasping the point of the exercise. Ugh. She needs kicking off , for real-zies.

Paggie gets a 91, and Hadidjduuyyellla and Chelsea both get the lowest scores, and Hadiuuiiyyuuulolulluuacabbageface throws a shit fit. And, cries. Yawn. And talks so I can’t understand, all gobbledy-gook like. But isn’t it weird that they never actually say their score? I bet it’s a 3.5. Hey, I’ll take a 35.

The judges wanna give them one last test…OH GOD, WHAT WILL IT BE???

While we wait to find out, let’s visit Chelsea, shall we? She keeps bitchin’ about how everyone looks the same but her…which is true…nobody else has fried, blonde hair and terrible skin and an attitude like a skinned cat.

Somebody else already has the nickname “Encino Man.” Maybe “Encino Woman?”

Personally, I wanna slap all these conceited assholes in the face. ESPECIALLY Chelsea, and BEFORE she draws her eyebrows in and before she tapes her nutsack down.

As the girls ride to the “hall of beauty” for elimination, Nessie explains that a PA with coffee is planted by the entrance and will need help getting in.

Chelsea gets let out first (I wonder how they explain to the contestants that they can’t go in together, and they need to park around the corner? Ah well, they’re all mildly retarded anyway, right?) and helps the PA get inside the building. Wow. Who would’ve thought? If I had to tell the future, I’d say she would’ve drop-kicked him and taken his wallet. But hey, I only have three Ph.D.’s and none of them are in Dumbass Bitchery.

Then the clever little editor elves cut to the two women in the Hall of Beauty. Nessie gives them each a chance to plead their case. Hadiyyaylilihal goes first and, in her garbled, incomprehensible blather, says something about…doctors are wrong…real beauty is natural…chocolate chips…Dumbwaiter skittleface. I mean, that’s not verbatim but it’s close.

It’s so hard…they’re both such wonderful people….

Chelsea makes a plea for her “uniqueness” again (sigh). Cheryl/Skeletor says Hadiliuliuyyyyyyy is morose and needs to smile more, and Nole thinks Chelsea needs a make under (no shit).

In the end, Chelsea gets to stay, Hadiuluilikkahcupcake gets to go and Nessie tries to look extra pouty (sad? Do her gums itch?). And then the fun begins: telling the loser that they’re ousted not because they look…semi-good looking, but because they’re horrible people.

If they are horrible people, I am their horrible, personality-less leader.

Then Hadilulucatwalkilllah lies to the judges about looking at the files and talks back to Skeletor. NOBODY TALKS BACK TO SKELETOR. NOBODY.

Don’t even try to beat me in a pouty contest, bitch.

Nessie keeps telling Haddiliuliliyayayayaya that she’s a horrible person and then she leaves.

Which is fortunate, because the maintenance men were just about to do some spring cleaning. Coincidence?

Look, ma- I’m doing my fake job on fake TV!

So who do YOU think is the best looking, or the more Cro-magnonest? Who’s detestable and who should be put down?