True Beauty: Revenge of the MURSE!

More old people? AHHHHH!

This magnificent week on True Beauty, the Beauties learn what it’s like to undergo relatively low-pressure exercise that doesn’t involve a gym. Then, they have to shoot a video, ironically, about what “Natural Beauty” means to them. Yeah, I know, somebody hide their boobies (I’m looking at you, LLL). The Judges look at their videos and decides who wins and who is a complete and utter failure! Yay!

No more CJ, what ever will a beauty do? Billy McCokerson heads back to the mansion emotionally and physically drained, and ready to get back into the game. Oh Billy- what will I make fun of if I can’t make fun of you finding shirts to make your eyes pop? Hmmm, I’ll try to find something. Oh! Got one! LLL and Ray’s goth party, where everyone looks about the same only with more hairspray and eyeliner.

LLL, ready for her audition for “Cats” off-broadway.

Okay, and I guess in LLL Brooklynspeak, the party would be more of…um, a “Goaath Paahty.” Meanwhile, Ray looks like he’s from the band Flock of Seagulls.

Or a terrible KISS cover band.

Billy comes home like someone’s coked-up Dad, but alas, nobody is loitering in any public area. Whaaa? Oh, they’re still painting up a storm in the bathroom, and Ray gives the old man a bear hug. Hey, and guess what? I’m beginning to kinda like Ray. Why? because he’s stopped being such a douche and has become more the Matthew McConaughey of the house: oblivious and naked-y.

Check my pubes, dudes.

Everyone thinks Billy looks like a pirate, but I think he looks like a member of some sort of Manson family raccoon clan.

Can I go through your garbage?

And the big reveal: BILLY IS A CHIPPENDALE DANCER (which I had forgotten). Had you? And, like Paggie says, “I can totally see that.” Me too…slightly middle aged guy dancing shamelessly for more-than-middle-aged obese women who are having a bachelorette party to celebrate the wedding of one fat friend to a guy said friend met on the internet. No, I can’t say I know firsthand, but I have friends. In the midwest. It isn’t me, I SWEAR (weeps, eats chicken wing).

Then Billy decides to show the Beauties some of his “moves.” Good god. He’s sitting on a couch, first of all, and his moves look a lot like…I dunno, some dance move I made up at my bad mitzvah.

Geez, if he weren’t so blonde, I’d think he was my Jewish Dad.

But even FUNNIER is when Chelsea decides to disclose that she’s a HIP HOP DANCER. Okay, folks. I think I need a moment. Just one.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA! She takes herself so seriously, it’s amazing. She’s like a big-eyed Sanyo caricature of herself mixed with a Streetfighter version of herself. Brilliant. Not to be shown up, Chelsea gets up to show some of her “moves,” which seem to be obscured by her massive amount of fried, blonde hair. I wish I could find some good pictures, but all I see is her semi-allright body and a pile of hair, undulating in a most serious manner.

Of course, she thinks Billy’s Chippendale dance experience is a joke, and they have a retarded little dance-off. Sorry, can I not say retarded anymore? Okay. I mean, this dance-off is like a fawn dying in the forest. And, the fawn’s on fire. And, it’s mother is a cheesecake. Make sense? Exactly.

It’s like watching Ginger Rogers and Fred Astair throw up all over each other.

What else is great about this little scene? EVERYONE is laughing at Chelsea, and sort of egging the two of them on. Even LLL, who has the sharpmindedness of pound cake.

The next day, Nessie comes in to collect overdue fines.

I know you don’t read, but humor me and my floppy bow frock collection.

She tells the beauties that they’re partnering up, but of course in the non-sexual way. Except for Billy and Encino Man, who will be fellating each other during the challenge. Well, almost. Close. Billy DIGS Encino man that is so not platonic. What would the Chippendales back home say??? LLL and Paggie get teamed up, in a duo that will make straightening irons shudder all through the greater Los Angeles area. And finally, Ray and Chelsea. Ray, not surprisingly, is disgusted. Chelsea is disgusted, too, because Ray “doesn’t take things seriously.” Really, Chels? Because he has no skin problems that we know of and he’s never been to the Hall of Beauty. Hmmm….

Ray decides to bring his pencil case, and this disgusts Chelsea even more. Okay, Chelsea, you don’t know what the challenge is…how about you keep your mouth shut for a sec? No, don’t. I take it back- tell me what you’re gonna bring…what? Mascara, underwear? A Bra? Flapjacks? Motor Oil? A mix CD? A lucky penny? Yazmine Bleeth? Oh, you’re settling on Clearasil? My bad. Sorry- just a pipe dream. I love how annoyed Ray is with Chelsea already!

Even better, though, is Billy and his MURSE. Yes, a MAN PURSE. Encino man, saying something that I can (for once) empathize with, discusses how ridiculous the Murse is.

And with the appearance of said murse goes the only hope Billy will ever have to sleep with LLL.

Life is tough, Murse-man.

Back downstairs, LLL announces and fake-uses her object, a straightening iron. Paggie brings her all-in-one makeup combo thingy. Chelsea shows her deoderant and LLL and Paggie bitchily giggle at her. Ha! Ray shows his drawing box and Encino man, his gross hair gel.

Enter the Murse.

And, Ray’s rant about how ridiculous it is. At this point, I would probably have hot love-sex with Ray. And he’d dig it because it would mean he could get naked and thrash around for a while. Nessie asks if there is shit in the murse, and surprise surprise, it’s packed with man-stuff.

Filled to the brim with heterosexual accessories, miss!

Nessie, clearly bored (or just being herself) tells Ray and Billy they need to pick ONE item, and Ray takes it personally. Meh, whatever, Ray. In the end, Ray picks a brush and is clearly pissed.

I will comb every highlight out of Billy’s middle-aged head. I’LL DO IT!

And Billy brings his emergency 100 dollar bill, which seems smart given the unclear circumstances of this challenge. Still, his intelligence is far eclipsed by the fact that he SMUGGLED A POWERBAR IN HIS SOCK. Then, he fessed up. Billy, I can FEEL LLL’s vagina RETRACTING.

A delicious stowaway.

Nessie, too, just wants to get the hell outta there. She’s done. So the beauties board the beauty bus, bitch a bit, then bring their beauty butts outback to beat up some balled eagles by the beach. Close enough, right?

The Beauties take a five mile hike to make some videos for some new, D list natural beauty product. I loove how foreign nature seems to them. Chelsea and Ray make fun of Billy for bringing a hundred bucks, like they knew what the challenge was, or something. I like, too, how hiking is going to “bring out their natural beauty.” Suuure. Like they’re so natural. Nole, Cheryl and Nessie all wanna see how the pairs work together. I’m predicting some zany moments with video cameras and port-o-potties. Am I right? ZIng!

LLL’s been camping and Paggie was a girl scout, so the two feel prepared for a low-impact hike and absolutely staged camp-out. Perfect.

Even better are Ray and Chelsea. Chelsea smells bear pee and senses huffalumps and woozles. Ray, clearly, isn’t digging it.

She’s not looking for clearasil, that’s for sure.

Paggie and LLL run into a hot, dumped-in port-o-potty and freak out about it . Yawn.

Billy and Encino man reach the beach first, in a moment that can only be described as Butt-tabulous.

Beauties. Friends. Lovers.

Chelsea is pissed because her and Ray end the hike and all she can see is OCEAN. Sorry, Chelsea, that there isn’t a hot topic and a cinnabon stand waiting for you. Maybe some cool, fresh air will give your poor pores a break, eh? They hook up with Billy and Encino man, but not literally.

Ungh. Ungh. Who dare disturb our reach-arounds and cave painting?

As the Beauties make smores, some old man walks up to them, claiming to be the “president” of a “new organic line of products.” Then he asks them to join him individually in his van for a “consultation.”

The person with the softest skin gets to go first!

After the creepy old man explains that they’re doing a 30 second promotional spot and leaves, Somebody decides to go for a dip in the ocean.

We won’t name names. We’ll just call him “Matthew Maconugh-Ray.”

The next morning everyone looks…ahem…less than beautiful. I’d even go as far to say “Chelsea-esque.” The creepy old man is back, too, handing the Beauties video cameras. Man, if I had a nickel…nevermind. Uh, go-go-gadget memory repressor. Beep.

Paggie and LLL primp with plastic dinner plates, while Encino Man use camera. He use camera lens see himself pretty. He make fun of women for plate make-ready. Grarph. And, then, they shoot.

LLL shoots for Paggie, who looks…well, like she just walked off the set of a pageant.

Um, I’ll go with answer d: World Peace!

Everyone is everyone else’s frenemy on this show, right? LLL badmouths Paggie a little, even though Paggie probably did okay for who she is, right? Wait, I think that’s how LLL put it. Erg. Still, LLL helps Paggie and passes the helper monkey test.

Chelsea can’t figure out how to work the dang camera. She fails! Billy passes, even though he would anyway, because Encino man is acting like a big fat douche and his promo seems more akin to an Axe body spray commercial than to a natural beauty promo thingy.

Nothing to look at, just two men with defined abs videotaping each other oceanside.

LLL wants to go butt naked (in LLLspeak: “Buuhnaieekeed”) for her shoot, but her big fake boobies seem to be…not the most organic thing to flaunt. Just like her nose, hair, tan and face. But, I digress. Instead, LLL goes for the “refugee” look.

Call 1-800-Bruuhhklynnn

Paggie passes, too, for helping LLL. Billy tries for a lifestyle shoot by using the lifeguard booth to use it for the shoot. The lifeguard goes “absolutely not.” HA! I love it. He’s probably pissed his beach has been infiltrated by a bunch of douche-nozzles. Still, Encino man tries to have Billy sit, but they get caught again by the lifeguard. They’re like drunk fourteen year olds, for chrissakes! Encino man fails for being an aggressive asswipe, but Billy decides to not be stressed.

Last but not least, Chelsea spots a diseased seal on a rock and decides to exploit it. That’s okay, I’m surprised she didn’t club it to death, gut it, and wear it as a hat. Though, it would be an improvement! Still, Chelsea keeps up that ridiculous self-confidence thing she has going on, and well….makes some magic.

Still life with diseased seal.

Then, the inevitable video evaluation. Paggie goes first, and she looks unnatural as can be. LLL is criticized for not being believable, and Nessie wishes she’d pull her little titties out and jump in the ocean. Ray’s is funny because he says that he’s the “only one on the beach” when clearly, there are at least a few people up, probably cameramen. Or, grips.

Natural Beauty… is about inaccuracies.

Chelsea’s was a hot mess and everyone was disappointed at the lack of passion. Billy’s the judges praised because he relaxed a little, I guess. He probably just had less coke in his system, due to the camping trip. Encino man’s video looked very…um…Blair Witch Project meets Serial Rapist. I know, scary, right? With, like, shit on the camera lens.

In the end, Billy wins while Chelsea and Encino man face elimination.

Encino man gets all pissed and makes dumb bulldog rabbit analogies and Ray gives Chelsea a pep talk. Aw, Ray.

In the bat cave, Nessie likens the elimination to a bulldog and a rabbit. Just kidding! She feels the competition is the battle of the inner versus the outer beauty. Wait, I’m confused- who is who? Ah well, chalk it up to talentless experience, Ness. Cheryl says Chelsea’s outer beauty comes and goes, and is inconsistent and can’t make herself look good. Encino man eats rocks, wears pelts and has a large forehead. So, who goes?

The final straw is an actor who is watering plants outside the hall of beauty and who mistakenly sprays the shoes of the two Beauties with his hose. Really? The producers are really scraping the bottom of the barrel for these things, am I right? Encino man doesn’t seem to care about the hose spray, because, well, wasting water is bad for his evolving brain. Chelsea, on the other hand…..

Oh, the cliffhangers on this show kill me! We don’t find out how Chelsea reacts until the very end! Arrrrgh!

In the hall of beauty, Nessie asks why the two should say. Chelsea FINALLY admits to not having a perfect face (the understatement of the year) and says she has bunches n’ bunches of inner beauty. She’s quirky. And, authentic. Riiight.

Chelsea- her authenticity, like, permeates every corner of my soul.

Encino man responds in a series of grunts and clicks. “Nuff said.

If I go home, Encino man take pretty host by force. Ungh! Ungh!

Nole says Chelsea is “special” and “unique.” Yeesh. Maybe he needs new Prada glasses. Encino man seems to be fawned upon by everyone, but man, I can’t get over his freakin’ forehead. Is he the missing link?

In the end, he is, because Chelsea gets the boot.

But wait! Before you leave Nessie needs to give you her completely scripted song and dance. And, the semi-offensive clips that really are just things people say. Yawn. And for the final straw, Chelsea acted like her own true pissy self. Come on, I want an outburst!

Water? EWW!

Chelsea admits she can be a bitch because she’s a girl, and that’s she’s overall better than Joel. Nice end note, lady, and good riddance!

NIghty night, M’Lady!

Thoughts?????