True Blood: Blookers, Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrridiculous Fraunch Accents, Appropriate Levels Of Pizzazz, And God’s Will

Whoa Nelly, is there a better show on TV right now then True Blood? Errrr, I mean is there a better show about vampires, crappy mind reading skills, and what to do when a vampire girlfriend you haven’t seen in 70 years sneaks in your hotel room and pins you to the bed and makes out with you so you can’t go rescue your Chatty Cathy human girlfriend from a bunch of vaguely homicidal born again wingnuts? My point exactly, so make the jump and see what those kooky kids from Bon Temps have gotten up to this week

Our episode starts in Dallas at the super swanky vampire hotel. Eric is down in the bar with a…you know; I don’t know what to call her. She’s not a prostitute because they aren’t having sex, but Eric is paying her to suck her blood. I’m going to call her a blooker.

Anyway, Eric is getting topped off with his blooker and gets a little depressed because she calls him baby and he’s a thousand years old. You know, Eric throws that thousand year old bit out all the time, it kind of sounds like someone is hinting for a party. Well that or he’s angling for an AARP discount with his blooker. Hey grandpa, if you want a senior’s discount, there’s an Arby’s down the street.

Well actually Eric’s main problem is he likes his meals to be, well, a little squirmy. The blooker tries to fake it, and Eric isn’t really buying it, but hey a guy’s gotta eat, right?

You know this is one of those scenes that show me I would never want to be a vampire. I mean, I never expect a milk shake to entertain me while I’m eating it, and not that it would ever have to. You had me at hello, ice cream and ice cream based desserts. Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh the show! Thanks, you’re the bestest.

It’s right about here where that slinky girl vampire who made Bill shows up. Eric sends his blooker away and tells Slinky he wasn’t sure she was going to show up, and Slinky makes some crack about Eric being a terrible liar. I could mention about someone being a craptastic actress, but I’d like to have something to talk about later in the post.

After the opening credits we cut to Bill and Sookie making out. There’s a knock at the door, which Sookie doesn’t want Bill to answer, but if he doesn’t the plot isn’t going anywhere tonight. First Bill uses his super duper vampire powers to make sure it’s safe (he asks who’s there), and then when he opens the door we see it’s spicy Latin vampire Isabel and some creepy looking dude with a receding hairline.

We come to find out the creepy guy with the receding hairline is Isabel’s human boyfriend, Hugo, and Isabel thinks he should go with Sookie when she goes to do her Amazing Kreskin act at the Fellowship of the Sun. Isabel’s logic is that the wing nuts over at Camp HateAVampire won’t be as suspicious of Sookie if a man is with her, because church going folks don’t like uppity independent women. Oh and lesbians too, and gays, and people who don’t vote the way they do, and those people who go to that other church down the street…look I’m just going to stop now because my hands are starting to cramp, okay? Anyway, they won’t be as suspicious of Sookie if she shows up with a man, even one who looks like Hugo.

Bill’s not convinced, but Sookie reads Hugo’s mind and sees that he loves her, and that’s good enough for her. Actually when she reads his mind he’s thinking he loves Isabel forever and ever and ever and ever and…I mentioned he’s a little creepy right?

Back down in the hotel bar Eric and Lorena are having a little powwow. It turns out Eric wants Lorena to put the moves on Bill, so Eric can have a clear shot at Sookie. Lorena gets a little snippy about all these vampire dudes getting worked up over a human. Eric says he thinks Sookie is more then human. Well maybe Eric, but she’s not a robot here from the future to save us all from killer robots, so whatevers dude.

Lorena points out that she hasn’t seen Bill in over 70 years, so he might not be interested any more, but Eric counters with the fact that Lorena made Bill, and you never forget the one who turned you into an unholy creature of the night. Lorena looks over at the guy playing the piano and starts staring into space, and we all know what that means, FLASHBACK!

It’s the 1920′s and Bill is playing the piano and singing and doing a pretty good job at it, at least much better then this waffleboy could do. Lorena is slinking around this party with a short curly hairstyle that looks way better on her then the one she has in Dallas. Lorena introduces herself to the hosts of the party, a hefty guy who kind of looks like he could be Kevin James grandfather and his girlfriend who has a necklace that Lorena really likes.

Lorena introduces herself as Olivia De Fubblebubble (hey that’s what it sounded like to me) and says she is from France. Yep, she is Fraunch, like zee fries, and zee dressing and even zee mustard. Oh and Bill? He is Fraunch too, just like zee tickler.

Can I say something here? Of course I can, I’m the one doing the typing; God bless the internet! Look, every week I sit through Southern accents that even as a life long resident of California I can tell are a little spotty and I don’t complain, but we’re doing French accents now? And not like good French accents either, more like when Shannon Dougherty went to Paris on 90210; you’re really pushing it True Blood producers.

Also, am I also the only one who noticed that Stephen Moyer, the actor who plays Bill had to sing and do a French accent this week? Add this to the fact that Moyer is English and asked to do an American southern accent every week (and does a pretty good job for a tea swilling crumpet monkey) and I have to ask just what Stevie did to piss off Alan Ball, the show’s producer? Did he park in Alan Ball’s spot? Well if this week is any indication Stephen had better start parking at the back of the lot and quit taking the last donut on the craft table every morning or he shouldn’t be surprised if in about four episodes Bill suddenly sprouts a hunchback and a clubfoot. Okay, I’m done; I just had to get that off my chest.

Okay when Bill gets done with his little musical number he comes over and introduces himself as Grrrrr-something-or-other. Seriously he sounded like he was gargling mothballs which is kind of what French people sound like when they try to talk American, so good job for you Stevie. He and Lorena make plans with Kevin James’ grandpa and his main squeeze to get freaky freaky after the party lets outs. The Jameses are looking like they’re at least half glamoured and Bill and Lorena are looking at them the way my mom’s cat used to look at the bird cage when it’s bowl was empty. Am I the only one seeing a downside to this plan for the Jameses here?

Over at Merlotte’s Sam and Daphne have finished screwing up the felt on the pool table, making the sweet, sweet love and are making pillow talk. Sam finally asks Daphne about that big honking minotaur scar on her back, and Daphne tells him she doesn’t know how she got it. Okay, there’s a lot more to her story about getting mauled while she was shifting by something she never saw, and being real sick, and how you should always be honest about who you are, blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is after waiting for three episodes to find out what the dealio is with this scar our payoff is “Ida know.”

How does Sam take this big helping of balloon juice? He pretty much buys it hook, line and sinker. Why? Well come on, he’s a red blooded American male who just had sex five minutes ago; rational thought isn’t right up his alley at this point in time. Actually, we’re kind of lucky he hasn’t already fallen asleep, but still; “I don’t know?”

The next morning finally rolls around and things aren’t going too well over at Tara’s commune. The water heater broke and Maryann has turned into a colossal bitch. Tara calls around and finally finds a pump for the water heater, but it’s off in BFE. It takes a little work, but Tara is able to talk Maryann into letting Eggo go with her when she goes to pick it up.

Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the Lukeinator get called over to the church for a special detail. Jason is really nervous because he’s worried Reverend Steve-o might know the Plastic Preacherette bopped his baloney last night.

It turns out Jason has nothing to worry about because the Plastic Preachers want Jason and the Lukeinator to build a platform with a cross on it, so they can chain a vampire to it and watch it burst into flames when the sun hits it. Man, I’ve always been happy with my church, but Bingo just isn’t looking as cool as it used to next to that.

Back and Dallas Sookie and Hugo are getting their poop together to go undercover at Camp HateAVampire. Well Hugo is trying to get their poop together; Sookie just wants to talk about what it’s like dating a vampire. She asks if Hugo and spicy Latin vampire Isabel ever fight. Hugo says they fight all the time but that just means he’s passionate enough to argue. Okay Hugo, if that works for you, stick with it, but in my experience when I’m in a relationship and fighting all the time, it just means I’m having regular sex with a person who annoys the poop out of me.

Also, Hugo lets slip that the main thing he and spicy Latin vampire Isabel are fighting about is he wants to be turned into a vampire so he won’t shrivel up and die while she goes on and gets a boyfriend with a full head of hair. Sookie gets a case of the frowns when she hears about this because being a Stackhouse Sookie’s event horizon is roughly about three minutes ahead into the future. Way to go Hugo, maybe if the guy wasn’t such a Danny Downer spicy Latin vampire Isabel might be willing to make him her permanent main squeeze? Probably not, but he’d at least be in the running.

Tara and Eggo are having a great time on their road trip until Eggo starts telling Tara about upcoming road marks on a road he’s never been on before. They both start freaking out and Eggo gets Tara to pull off on the side of the road and follow him into the woods even though creepy ominous music is playing in the background. Now you might be thinking this is dumb behavior on Tara and Eggo’s parts, but just driving two hours to get a water pump and coming right home does not make for compelling TV.

All sorts of things are happening at Merlotte’s. Terry and Arlene make a date for later that night, and Daphne forgets to bring ice tea to the table where Hoyt’s mom is having lunch with some other older woman. God Daphne really is the world’s worst shapeshifting waitress. You know she said she worked at Cracker Barrel but I’m calling shenanigans on that one. The servers at Cracker Barrel work like Santa’s little elves whenever I’m there. Well mainly because they are bringing enough food to my table to end world hunger, but every time I’ve been in one everybody seems to know what they are doing.

Andy comes in looking for Lafayette and corners him back in the kitchen. Andy wants to know why Lafayette disappeared for two weeks and why he lost his pizzazz. Lafayette tells Andy he went on a Rosie cruise and Andy points out if he’d done that he would have come back with more pizzazz, not less. Wow, for a guy who talks like Billy Bob Thornton in Swing Blade, Andy is really on the mark here.

Lafayette is doing a pretty good job of blowing Andy off until Andy says he’s going to lock Lafayette up in jail. At this point Lafayette promptly has a PTSD episode and literally curls up into a ball in the corner of the room.

Terry the cook comes into the room right then and pulls Andy off of Lafayette. He points out that Andy was a better cop playing cops and robbers in meemaw’s and papo’s backyard then he is right now, and gets Andy to apologize to Lafayette before he leaves. Then he gives Lafayette a big hug and helps him calm down. You know for a guy who comes off being nuttier then a squirrel’s nest the day before winter 99% of the time, when the chips are down you can really count on Terry the cook and I’m really starting to like him.

Out in the dinning room Hoyt storms in and boy is he pissed at his mom. It turns out she cancelled his cell phone service because she doesn’t want him talking to Jess. Oh just for the record Hoyt’s mom is a, well just feel free to insert your own favorite profanity here, they all pretty much work in this case.

Hoyt is super pissed, because even though she doesn’t have a pulse, Jess is the only girl Hoyt’s meet who makes him want to show off his moobs. Hoyt’s mom says the only way Jess will get to date Hoyt is over her dead body. (Excuse me for a second, Hello God? It’s me waffleboy. You know that pony I was asking you for the other night? Hold off on that one for awhile, I may want to change my order here.)

Hoyt tells his mom he reactivated his cell phone and the next thing he’s going to do his mom won’t be able to do anything to stop. Oh and just for good measure he tells his mom the reason Jess calls in the middle of the night is because she’s a vampire. Hoyt storms off and momma Hoyt gets a look on her face like someone slipped her a bad prune. If nothing else I bet that last little tidbit cuts down on the over my dead bodies from Momma Hoyt.

Meanwhile Sam starts flirting with Daphne and tells her he can concentrate on work because whenever he looks at the pool table he thinks about last night. Yeah Sam and whenever I look at it I think that thanks to yours and Daphne’s wet spot nobody will ever be able to hit a decent draw shot on that table ever again, we’ve all got problems, okay?

Sam and Daphne flirt back and forth for awhile and then Sam tells Daphne to take off all her clothes and go outside so they can shapeshift and run around, and Daphne’s all for that idea. I guess table five isn’t ever getting that iced tea. Oh and Sam? Real Cracker Barrel waitresses don’t do stuff like that.

Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the Lukeinator are still working on the platform for their vampire roast, and Jason is still all worked up over his little rub a dub dub she grabbed him in the tub from the night before. Wow, still? You know I think this is the most guilt ever experienced over a hand job outside of the Catholic Church in the history of mankind.

Jason starts in with a series of hypothetical questions for the Lukeinator pertaining to abstinence, not that Jason knows the word hypothetical; he just wants to find out if God would ever be willing to forgive him if a minister’s wife spanked his monkey. The Lukeinator says as long as Jason doesn’t do it with a vampire dude then God is always willing to give second chances. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess there are lots and lots of pictures in The Lukeinator’s bible. Anyway, The Lukeinator tells Jason that if he starts being abstinent it will be all good with the man upstairs, and Jason gets the same look on his face I get every Christmas when there isn’t a pony under my Christmas tree.

While her meathead brother is hammering away, Sookie and Hugo pull up to get their Nancy Drew on at Camp HateAVampire. The Plastic Preacherette is waiting for them and Sookie gets off one of the best lines of the night when she points out the Plastic Preacherette looks just like vanilla pudding. Now Hugo’s plan was for him to do all the talking when they got there and Sookie to just concentrate on the mind reading. That plan promptly goes right out the window because Sookie comes down with a full case of diarrhea mouth as soon as she gets out of the car. When Hugo gets a chance to ask her about it Sookie confesses that when she gets nervous she can’t shut up. You know a bigger man wouldn’t point out that apparently Sookie has been nervous for the last 18 episodes, but when it comes to snark I’m about as big as the average Keebler elf, sorry.

Hugo and Sookie go with the Plastic Preacherette to meet with the Reverend Steve-o. Sookie is still chattering like a magpie going on about how she and Hugo are getting married and looking for a new church because their last pastor didn’t hate vampires, oh and might be gay too. The Plastic Preachers get the same look on their faces that everyone gets when grandma farts at Sunday dinner. They can’t believe there are Christians out there who can like vampires because they’re evil and icky. Sookie is trying to play up being a real vampire hater for her undercover gig and says that vampires are evil and bad and nothing can ever change that.

Cut to slinky Lorena laying in bed and fingering that necklace she is wearing and we then cut to ANOTHER FLASHBACK!

It’s later that night and Bill and Lorena are getting ready to eat Kevin James’s grandpa and his main squeeze. They make the KJG sit in a chair and watch as Bill kills his girlfriend. Right before he bites her throat out, the KJG’s girlfriend asks why Bill and Lorena are doing this and Bill laughs and says it’s because they can.

Wow Bill is really, really evil back then, and also much more interesting. This confirms my long held belief that recycling makes you boring. (Note to self, go out and litter today in order to be edgy and dangerous.)

Lorena snaps Kevin James’s grandpa’s neck and heads over to the bed to take part in the all you can suck buffet Bill has just prepared. Bill makes her wait for a second so he can give her the necklace the girl was wearing. Lorena thinks this is so sweet that she and Bill have hot wild vampire sex on the bed that is now dripping in blood. All I can say about this is if this is how they eat every night, Bill and Lorena better be buying club soda by the truck load.

Hey, were you curious to see what was happening with Tara and Eggo? No? Well too bad, because the screenwriter is. It turns out they’ve been walking in the woods for about 45 minutes. Eggo keeps saying he doesn’t know where they are going, but he leads them straight into a clearing where it’s obvious some bad hoodoo has recently gone down. Eggo starts freaking out and crying and Tara keeps saying there is a perfectly logical explanation for what is happening to Eggo, and she’s right. Some perfectly logical bad hoodoo went down and Eggo can’t remember the specifics. There, was that so hard?

Over at Camp HateAVampire the Plastic Preachers are giving Sookie and Hugo a tour of the church when Sookie finally is able to read Reverend Steve-o’s mind and find out that he really is keeping a 2,000 year old vampire prisoner, which is good. Of course she also finds out he’s totally on to her undercover spy mission, which is bad. Then the big ex-wrestler dude shows up and he’s thinking creepy thoughts about Sookie’s boobs, which is also bad, and as we already mentioned, more then a little creepy.

It’s later that night, and Andy is out drinking and driving (I blame the parents in these situations) when he sees that pig he’s been looking for and a dog run across the road. Andy pulls over and starts chasing the pig through the woods, but he falls and thumps his noggin. You know Andy is sort of the Sherlock Holmes of this show. Well if Sherlock Holmes had to wear a helmet and took the little bus to school every day.

We see Sam and Daphne putting their clothes back on in the woods talking about how much fun it is to run around in the shape of a dog and a pig. Sam is a little curious as to why Andy seemed to know Daphne when she was a pig. Daphne tries to just blow him off, but Sam isn’t letting go, because it’s a really good question so Daphne just blows…errr takes her affections for Sam south of the equator.

Over at Merlotte’s Lafayette is calmed down and just doing some work in the walk-in when Pam the vampire shows up. Lafayette immediately freaks. Not as bad as with Andy, but he’s definitely not in his happy place right now. He asks if Pam is for real, and with her hairstyle in this scene that is kind of a fair question. Pam says yes she is really there, and tells Lafayette that Eric is putting him back in the V business. When Lafayette points out that they tortured him for almost three weeks for selling V in the first place that this doesn’t make much sense, and Pam points out that Lafayette owes them and if he wants to make sense he should have gotten a gig on Nova and not some pay cable vampire show. Pam then leaves and we can officially give Lafayette the trophy for the worst day at work award.

Back at Camp HateAVampire The Reverend Steve-o steers Hugo and Sookie over to the basement and tries to get Sookie and Hugo to go down the stairs even though the Plastic Preacherette is hinting up a storm that they should just let Sookie and Hugo go. Finally, when it becomes obvious that Sookie and Hugo really don’t want to see Steve-o’s dad’s tomb he and the big ex-wrestler dude grab them and drag them down the stairs.

By the way, now would be a great time to mention that as far as super powers go, Sookie’s mind reading ability blows goats. Seeing as it only really works when she’s in the room with bad guys right before they are about to do her bodily harm, it’s only slightly better then my super power of being able to eat one of those jumbo bags of M&M’s in one sitting.

As soon as Sookie gets taken prisoner Bill wakes up, too bad Lorena is on top of him, and knows something bad is happening to his human. Wow she crawls into Bill’s hotel room when he’s asleep? You know what Lorena? That’s not slinky, that’s just stalky. Bill tries to get away, but because Lorena made him he can’t overpower her. Bill tries to get away, but he can’t and Lorena just makes out with him. Okay we now know that not only do vampire watch Fatal Attraction, for some of them it’s their favorite movie too.

Eggo and Tara get back from a long day of déjà vu and picking up water pumps and are surprised to find the house has been trashed. I’m not. Hello Tara, you let dirty hippies in the house. Just wait until you see the black velvet picture of Jerry Garcia riding a unicorn hanging in the living room now. Eggo finds a joint and he and Tara start playing puff, puff pass as they follow the trail of clothes out into the woods. Hmmm, I’m beginning to think Tara has a little dirty hippy in her too.

Tara and Eggo keep following the clothes and having a pretty detailed conversation about Reese’s Pieces and then pretty much poop themselves when they stumble into this clearing in the woods. Maryann is doing her super jittery arm waving thing and everyone else is having a freaky deaky magic orgy. Oh and we are a long way past a rubbing cake on your face, flashing your boobies and eating dirt orgy. This is more of a if the cameraman gets the hiccups, this whole thing is going to end up on The Spice Channel orgy, and everyone has those creepy all black eyes, because it’s magical too. Maryann shoots Tara and Eggo an evil-yeah-I’m-a-creepy-Greek-mythology-sorceress smile and goes back to her super jittery arm waving thing.

Jess wakes up in Dallas and the first thing she does is check her cell phone for a text
from Hoyt. When it isn’t there she gets pissed and pours two bottles of True Blood down the drain while shooting hateful looks at Bill’s room. By the way am I the only one who loves that lately when the vampires on this show get ticked at each other they open up the $45 bottle of Japanese synthetic blood and then don’t drink it?

There is a knock at the door and when Jess goes to it, it’s Hoyt! Hoyt drove all the way from Bon Temps to Dallas to say he was sorry for his momma canceling his cell phone service so he couldn’t text Jess back Okay it’s now official, spinal11 was right and Hoyt is the best boyfriend on the show. Oh and he brought flowers but they got a little wilted in the car and Jess is so happy she wants to cry, but isn’t going to because it’s gross when she does. She closes the door to their room, and then she and Hoyt proceed to make out. Awwwwww!

Back at Camp HateAVampire Jason goes into the church to let everyone know he and The Lukeinator are done with their platform project and runs into the Plastic Preacherette. The PP is having a serious case of the boo-hoos because it’s now official that the Reverend Steve-o is a power mad a-hole plotting to start a war with the vampires, oh and he uses the C-word too. The PP tells Jason she made a mistake marrying the Reverend Steve-o because God meant for her to be the great woman behind the great man. A great man like Jason. Huh, what, who? Honey, there is a vast difference between being a great man and having great abs because you go to the gym every day.

Not only that but The Plastic Preacherette tells Jason that God told her that she and Jason should hump each other’s brains out. Excuse me? Where does this woman talk to God, at a 1-900 phone line? Any way, once Jason hears its God’s will he’s stripping down to his birthday suit, and you know three hours of abstinence isn’t that bad for a horn monkey’s first day at it.

Out in the woods Daphne and Sam are taking a nice romantic walk on two legs for a change. Sam hears drums coming from the clearing up ahead and doesn’t want to go in because drums always lead you to either hippies or cults. Great minds think alike, and I think like a guy who can change into a collie.

Just then two people with those creepy all black eyes grab Sam and take him prisoner, and Daphne stops being all lovey dovey because it turns out she works for Maryann. Oh Snapple! You see Sam, you can boink your employees or not check their references, but you can’t boink and not check those references. You know, unless you want to be taken prisoner by a super jittery Greek sorceress. You might want to remember that if you don’t get killed in the next couple of episodes.

They pull Sam into the clearing and everyone is still humping like crazy, including Eggo and Tara at this point. Daphne goes over and puts this big assed minotaur mask on Maryann and creepy Carl the butler dude brings over a big honking knife that might be used to carve the heart out of someone’s chest, and then Sam starts screaming. The end.

Wow, another great episode. This one just flew by and I can’t wait to see what happens this week. Here are just a few thoughts about the show I couldn’t work into my recap.

Sookie and Bill are getting a lot of heat for being boring. Now to be fair, I think it’s more the situation they are in then any acting or writing issues. While being in love in real life is one of the best things you can ever do, it’s as boring as watching rust form on sheet metal when other people do it on TV. It’s sort of the non-aerobic version of soccer.

I have no idea who sold Sookie and Hugo out at Camp HateAVampire. It could be big cowboy vampire Stan, who kind of sounds like he’d like to see Godric out of the way, or it might be spicy Latin Vampire Isabel who could get rid of her creepy human boyfriend Hugo and put an end to his I want to be a vampire whining. Shoot it could even be Eric, pulling the strings so he can rescue Sookie and make Bill look like poop. Anyway, I don’t have a clue, and can’t wait to see what happens next.

A couple of weeks back spinal11 took me to task for giving Hoyt (Hoyt?) a hard time. She was right, Hoyt is the best boyfriend on the show and no one is more kind sweet or loving. That being said, Hoyt is the one character on the show where you can always get at least one good goofy screen shot every week

And I just have to point out that in these economically uncertain times cheap laughs are our most cost efficient laughs.

Anyway thanks for stopping by and we’ll talk again soon.