When people cry it means they care, or they are chopping onions, or got kicked in the nuts, but usually it means they care. It works the same way for vampires only they cry blood and this week on True Blood there was so much vampire caring going on that it was like being around an outbreak of the Ebola Virus. Oh and Andy became the smartest guy in Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jess got de-virginified, and everyone’s favorite short order cook got his pizzazz back. So make the jump and see what happened this week.
Now this is an appropriate level of pizzazz
Our episode starts with the one voice of logic and reason in Bon Temps, Andy Bellefleur
Who ya gonna call?
Okay, Andy’s a mess. He’s drunk he’s running though woods bellowing, “PIGGGGGGGG!” But when you consider that pretty much everyone else in town are rolling around in the dirt humping their brains out with those creepy all black bad hoodoo eyes Andy is looking like the captain of the Bon Temps academic decathlon team. Granted they’re going to get smoked by every preschool in the county, but as of right now Andy’s packing the big brain in town.
Meanwhile, Sam’s had better times at parties then he’s having at this one. He’s on his knees with Eggo holding him down while Maryann is working on sprouting her minotaur claws. Tara comes over and licks Sam’s face and goes dancing off and it looks like everyone is getting ready to see what Sam’s heart looks like.
It’s right about then that Andy stumbles on to this little shindig and he was not expecting a freaky deaky magic orgy with a human sacrifice as the as the main entertainment. He ends up firing his gun without really meaning too. Don’t feel bad Andy that happens to a lot of guys. Well not to me, very often, lately, hey who wants to talk television?
This brings the whole party to a temporary halt, which gives Sam the opportunity to pull a reverse head but on Eggo, give Daphne a solid right cross (that’s for not filling the salt and pepper shakers last shift biatch!) and boogie on out of the clearing. Maryann takes off after him in hot pursuit and everyone with the blacked out eyes starts howling like the vending machine at work is out of Snickers bars. Hey if you don’t scream they don’t fill it up, that’s just common sense people.
Sam is running for his life, but it doesn’t look too good because Maryann is gaining on him and those minotaur claws have that super badass Komodo Dragon poison. Right when Maryann is about to catch Sam, he sees an owl in a tree and turns into an owl and flies away. Maryann takes off her big bull mask, looks a little exasperated and we cut to the opening credits.
Back at the clearing Andy is trying to set the record for the largest citizen’s arrest made by a guy with a blood alcohol level of “Weeeeeeeeeee the room is spinning!” Too bad nobody is hanging around to get arrested. Everyone is just stumbling off into the woods naked looking for their clothes, kind of like when the annual company picnic breaks up. (Oh yeah, yours are really boring, sorry I forgot.) Andy sees his cousin, Terry the cook, and tells him to put some pants on. Seeing as Terry is wearing some saggy red briefs I’m completely on board with Andy on this one. Too bad Terry has those big black voodoo eyes, and knocks Andy to the ground and breaks his arm. Terry and Arlene, who is also sporting voodoo eyes, get a case of the giggles and go running off, hopefully looking for Terry’s pants.
Sookie and Hugo are locked in a supply closet of the basement at Camp HateAVampire and we find out that Hugo is like really super duper claustrophobic, which we should care about because? Anyone want to help me out here? Anyone at all? Anyway, Sookie tells Hugo to calm down because everything is going to be all right, because she is the star of the show.
Sookie does say she’s a little worried because Bill is going to know she’s in trouble and coming running to rescue her. Hugo wants to know why this is a bad thing. Good question Hugo, I’m sorry I made fun of him for being afraid of elevators. Okay, not that much, but kind of, and it’s the thought that counts, right?
Sookie is worried because these wingnuts are holding a 2,000 year-old vampire prisoner so who knows what they are capable of? Okay Sookie, that’s kind of a good point, but you’ve met their two heaviest hitters, who just happen to be a big bald guy in a sweat suit, and a weaselly little guy in a polo shirt with Conan O’Brien hair, so you might just be manufacturing a little drama here. Personally, my money is on the unholy creatures of the night.
Seriously Sookie, you’re sweating these jokers?
Now as we know and Sookie doesn’t, Bill is trying to come rescue Sookie, but his psycho vampire ex-girlfriend won’t let him out of his room, and is now whomping the lick piss out of him and calling him a wimp. This scene is just wrong, as it would be if Bill were paying a woman to smack him around and call him a wimp in his hotel room, but for completely different reasons.
Bill asks Lorena, his psycho vampire ex-girlfriend why she is doing this, and she kind of looks off into the distance, which as we all know means FLASHBACK!
It’s the 1930′s in LA and Bill is sitting and reading in his smoking jacket, which is an interesting fashion choice for Bill because he doesn’t smoke, so actually he’s wearing a bathrobe and didn’t just get out of bed. Not that there is anything the matter with that, if you’re a shut-in and a blogger; then it’s sort of the required uniform. I love my bathrobe. For a badass vampire in the 1930′s though? Well let’s watch the scene and see what happens.
A Snuggie, circa 1935
Like I said, Bill is reading and unlike Hoyt (Hoyt!) he doesn’t move his lips while he’s doing it. Lorena shows up and we know she is feeling particularly evil because her eyebrows are super duper thin.
She went to the theater and brought Bill back a chorus girl as a late night snack, kind of the vampire version of a Chulupa from Taco Bell. Bill is kind of tempted but at the last minute sends little Miss Chulupa away.
Bill starts talking, and remember how last week he was evil, and interesting? Well apparently he isn’t either of those things any more, and not only that but he was only doing all that stuff for Lorena. Um, I’m not quite buying that last part. When guys want to prop up their relationship and keep their girlfriend happy they maybe go antiquing once a month, what they don’t do is go on a decades long serial killing spree.
Whatevers, Bill is really going to town and telling Lorena she’s bad news and the reason he lost his “HUE-manity.” (For the most part Stephen Moyer does a good job on his accent, but every once in awhile when he gets worked up, he kind of starts to sound like Foghorn Leghorn.) Lorena thinks Bill is just being silly because they are so in love and then proceeds to start wailing on him to show how much she loves him.
Back in the present Bill tells Lorena that if anything happens to Sookie he will kill her. Seeing as Lorena has been whooping up on Bill for about a hundred years now she sees this as more Bill being cute then an actual threat.
Evil!!! Oh crap her eyebrows aren’t skinny. Well there goes that theory
Out at Camp HateAVampire Eric and spicy Latin vampire Isabel are checking out the Fellowship of the Sun’s defenses. Eric seems pretty under whelmed and seeing as we know these guys are picked on their ability at capture the flag and dodge ball, I don’t blame him. With Sookie and Hugo being out of touch for so long Eric’s ready to go in and start parceling out plates of whoopass for everyone, but spicy Latin vampire Isabel says they can’t go in without any proof. Besides, she points out if Hugo was in any danger she’d know about it. Hmmmm, Hugo’s been locked in the basement for hours, so that seems a little strange.
So, after this want to go check out that X-Men panel at Comic-com?
It doesn’t matter because Eric and Isabel get to talking about the care and feeding of humans. Eric wants to know if Isabel is creeped out by the fact Hugo is going to shrivel up and turn into a raisin on her. Isabel says she’s more curious then anything and kind of sees Hugo getting old like a science project. Wow that just screams true love, doesn’t it? Actually I’m willing to cut Isabel some slack, because Hugo is already named Hugo and has a widow’s peak that makes him look like Satan’s little helper; honestly, just how much creepier is this guy going to get?
Isabel asks Eric what Bill thinks about his jonesing for Sookie. Eric gets on his high horse and says he doesn’t care about Sookie, all he’s concerned about is his long time obsession for a 2,000 year-old vampire who looks like a teenaged boy. You know I really bet Eric would like a do over on that last fun fact he tossed into the conversation.
Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the Plastic Preacherette are basking in the glow of hot satisfying church balcony sex. Well Jason is, the PP is crying and giggling and telling Jason how Jason showed her what love could really be like and that she knows God wants them to be together forever and ever. Jason starts to get a queasy look on his face as he realizes he just gave this wingnut her first orgasm.
It gets better, well for us, for Jason not so much. The Plastic Preacherette starts getting dressed and babbling about how she and Jason need to find the Reverend Steve-o so they can let him in on the happy news that they spent the night getting super freaky in his church. Jason gets a look on his face like he’s the poster boy for high colonics at this news.
Jason brings up the fact that Stevie has a flamethrower in his basement so maybe they can just keep this on the down low. The PP isn’t going for this because she’s all about honesty. Fidelity? Not so much, but she is heck on wheels with honesty. Luckily Jason reminds her about the big vampire roast coming up, and she decides to wait, because that’s God’s work, but wants to tell the Reverend Steve-o right afterwards. Jason is like you betcha sweetcheeks, but after the PP wrestles her way back into her panties and runs off giggling Jason looks like a guy who just got clobbered in the baby beebees.
Actually this scene is pretty awesome, because Jason is the smartest person in it, so it’s kind of the same as watching a total eclipse of the sun, only with IQ points instead of sunlight.
Back at the hotel Jess and Hoyt are still making out, when Hoyt comes up for air and has some big news. He tells Jess that if his virginity were up for auction on e-bay, it would be described as “in mint condition, still in the box.” Hoyt is a little ashamed because he’s 28 and he’s still a virgin. Hoyt, you also live in your mom’s basement; you’re only a bathrobe away from becoming a blogger.
Jess is all big whoop, because she’s a virgin too. Awwwww! Although Jess is 17, and well undead, which you have to admit is a slightly different then Hoyt’s situation. Still, she tells Hoyt if He wants to, they can deflower each other, and Hoyt wants to very, very much.
Hoyt is excited/nervous as hell that they are going to start making the sweet, sweet love right away, but Jess points out the sun will be coming up soon and she needs her rest. Still they can cuddle. Awwww! But after awhile she’s going to look like a cold lifeless corpse. Not so awwwww! Luckily we don’t see that that part, so this scene stays nice and romantic and not like something that scars you for life when you stumble on to it at a German porn website, 42 times, in a row.
Guess who is back at the hotel now? Eric and spicy Latin vampire Isabel, oh and they brought big cowboy vampire Stan with them. Stan is talking major smack about how Isabel and Eric are Puss-Says for not going in and eating everyone at Camp HateAVampire when Sookie and Hugo didn’t come out. Stan makes the mistake of flapping his gums at Eric and Eric slams him into the wall and tells Stan he thinks he’s the reason Godric has gone missing and as soon as he can prove it, Eric will be unleashing the mother of all ass whoopings on a certain vampire who dresses like he’s angling for a gig in the Village People.
Then Eric heads off down the hall getting all weepy because his teenaged looking vampire bestie may be dead. There, there Eric, just go back to your room and put on that Jonas Brothers CD and everything will be okay.
Back in Bon Temps Tara wakes up with Eggo on the couch and has no idea how they got there. Neither does Eggo, but he’s not losing any sleep over that because, well, he’s a moron.
Fun fact, in school no one ever worried Eggo would screw up the curve
Actually Eggo’s theory is that he and Tara blacked out, no biggie, happens all the time since he started out hanging out with Maryann. Tara suggests that maybe she and Eggo should ease off the wacky tabacky. Eggo says sure no problemo, but his eyes are saying “whoa, slow down there crazy woman.” Then Eggo brings up the fact that Tara’s mom loves to get blotto, but Tara isn’t her mom. Well you can’t argue with this logic because if Tara were her mom she’d be a clone, or something else kind of sci-fi.
Anyway they have a good hug and all this talk of not passing the dutchie on the left hand side gets quietly shelved.
Sam get’s back to Merlotte’s and goes pulls out a gun that he’s got hidden in the fireplace. A gun hidden in the fireplace? Add this to the hundred grand in cash in his file cabinet and you have to wonder just when Sam turned into a character on The Sopranos?
Back at the basement of Camp HateAVampire the Reverend Steve-o shows up to have a little chat with Sookie. Sookie’s not talking because Stevie is a flaming intolerant a-hole. Well no arguments there, but Hugo decides he’s ready to go home right now and starts spilling his guts.
Stevie stops listening to Hugo, once Hugo mentions that Sookie’s last name is Stackhouse. The Reverend Steve-o asks if she’s Jason’s sister and when Sookie asks how he knows her brother, Stevie makes a face like he found out somebody has been peeing in his cornflakes. He tells the big ex-wrestler dude to come with him and they exit stage left.
Sookie takes a moment to tell Hugo to STFU and then sends out a super important psychic message to Barry the unemployed mind reader telling him to go tell Bill she’s in trouble and the wingnuts are holding Godric prisoner.
Back at the hotel we get to spend time with Bill and Lorena, oh goody. They spend a lot of time flapping their gums and bleeding out of their ears, which is what I feel like doing thanks to the afore mentioned gum flapping.
Bill tells Lorena if she won’t let him go rescue Sookie, she should at least call Eric so he can rescue Sookie. Lorena is way too happy to let Bill know that the reason she is in town is because Eric called her, and she tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie. Bill takes this news by slumping against the couch and looking like he is in great pain. Of course he’s bleeding out of his ear holes so that may have something to do with it too.
Over at Camp HateAVampire a little rational thought has finally broken out. Jason has decided the best way to handle this Plastic Preacherette and her well armed husband situation is to beat feet back to Bon Temps A-S-A-freaking-P. Too bad for Jason he gets scooped up by the Reverend Steve-o and the big ex-wrestler dude into an SUV, and they drive off for a little friendly chat.
The big ex-wrestler dude is holding a knife to Jason’s throat and Jason is pooping pink Twinkies because he thinks this is because of him boinking the Plastic Preacherette. This is why he has no idea what Stevie is talking about when he accuses Jason of being a traitor. Stevie isn’t buying Jason’s ignorance of the situation and thinks Jason is an evil genius. So he orders the big ex-wrestler dude to send Jason to H-E-double-hockey-sticks, and once again Jason is the smartest person in the scene. Just a second, [waffleboy check's window], no, no frogs raining from the sky, so the apocalypse hasn’t started yet. Still, I’m getting my umbrella out of the car; it pays to be prepared in these situations.
We cut to Andy with his arm in a cast, but that same messed up shirt from the night before telling Sheriff Bud about what happened last night. Andy’s side of the conversation includes words like “big claws” and “big black zombie eyes” and Bud’s side centers around the repeated use of the word “uh huh.”
Tara and Eggo are curled up on the couch watching an old horror movie when Maryann comes strolling in with a dead bunny she picked up while “communing with her animal nature” the night before.
Be vewy vewy quiet, Mawyann is hunting wabiits. Whahahahaha
Tara is a little creeped out by this, but does manage to bring up the fact that Maryann had a big party and the house got trashed the night before. Maryann calls it having a few people for drinks. Tara points out that it’s Sookie’s house. Maryann tells Tara that when Sookie gets home she’ll be so proud of Tara taking such good care of the place.” But being Maryann, she manages to say this is a vaguely threatening way that gets Tara to back down. Maryann goes wandering off to have Creepy Carl whip up a little hasenpfeffer. Once she is well out of earshot Tara grumbles about her being f-ing weird, Eggo agrees and thinks it’s really cool. We’ve been over the fact this guy is getting by strictly on his looks, right?
Daphne, the world’s worst traitorous shapeshifting waitress who lied her sculpted butt off about working at The Cracker Barrel is hanging out down by the old swimming hole. Sam comes up behind her looking like he’s going to plug her and then head back to The Bada Bing. Only it doesn’t work out that way. What does happen is Daphne tells Sam the time the spent together was good for chuckles and Sam starts moaning and crying about how he trusted her and shared all his feelings with her. Okay I’m starting to think maybe Sam wasn’t on The Sorpranos and is maybe the most heavily armed member of the cast of In Treatment instead.
Who the hell is Sam?
Daphne strips down to her bra and panty set, her only real talent as a waitress, and takes one last dip. Sam gets cranky and asks her what’s the deal with Maryann. Daphne looks at him like he’s a nitwit and tells Sam Maryann is god dum dum. Wait, so what Daphne is telling us is God is a middle aged woman who spouts a near constant stream of new age psycho babble and can control people like robots?
Okay, maybe she has a point.
Back in the basement Hugo needs to wee-wee and is freaking out. Sookie tells him to calm down and offers him a water bottle to go in. Hugo doesn’t want anything to do with this plan. Sounds like somebody can’t go when other people are around. Sookie tries to get him to calm down and when she touches his arm, her crappy mind reading ability kicks in and she finds out that Hugo is the wingnut’s spy.
Over in Bon Temps Daphne is showing off her already known skill of treading water and decides to let us see what her real natural talent is; spewing out mountains of exposition to move the plot forward in the most clunky way possible. She gives Sam the complete low down on Maryann. Mainly, that Maryann is Maenad, a handmaiden of Dionysus, the God of wine, who is also Satan, and that she feeds on the energy of lust, violence, and all the other fun stuff that gets good ratings. She also tells Sam that when everybody is sporting their big black hoodoo eyes it means Maryann is controlling them, oh and that Maryann wants Sam to surrender himself to her because he’s a shapeshifter and maybe if she’s in a good mood she won’t kill him.
We cut back to the basement where Hugo has his own big batch of exposition to serve up. Mainly explaining that he sold out the vamps because the sex with spicy Latin vampire Isabel was awesome, but he started missing a lot of work, and she wouldn’t turn him into a vampire so they could have an equal relationship, so Hugo decided his best bet was to hook up with a religious group with an all-star capture the flag team. In case you’ve missed it, Hugo is a big whiner and a world class dim bulb.
Sookie is unimpressed, so Hugo tells her that the vampires are just using her, which is why she is locked in a basement and nobody has come to rescue her yet. It’s a good point. Of course so is Sookie’s counter argument that the wingnuts don’t really like Hugo and that’s why he’s locked in the basement with her. Hugo doesn’t like this fun fact, probably the same way he wouldn’t like if I pointed out he doesn’t have a lot of hair on the top if his head.
Upstairs everyone is showing up for the big pajama party the wingnuts are throwing and the Plastic Preacherette is greeting everyone at the door and being incredibly plastic. The Reverend Steve-o shows up in one of those creepy white suits that everyone gets when they graduate from annoying TV preacher school and tells her they need to talk about Jason. This causes the world’s biggest fan of honesty to get a look on her face like her pooper just went on the fritz. A bad person would watch this scene 20 times in a row, and when I say a bad person, what I mean is me.
The big ex-wrestler dude is getting all set to kill Jason, who still doesn’t know what is going on, when the big ex-wrestler dude makes the mistake of saying some bad things about Sookie. Oh, Jason no likee, and the next thing you know he and the big ex-wrestler dude are making with the fisticuffs. We now figure out why the big ex-wrestler dude is an ex-wrestler dude, because Jason wails on his balding noggin something fierce, and while Jason is in great shape, he’s only slightly bigger then the Travelocity Roaming Gnome. Anyway, Jason gives the big ex-wrestler dude a kick to the nuts for talking smack about Sookie and proceeds to continue with his original plan of fleeing the state of Texas as fast as his little legs will carry him.
Oh man, right in the Arc of the Covenant
Back in Bon Temps, Lafayette has gotten his pizzazz back, and is a V peddling fool. Hey buddy; great to have you back, we missed you!
Someone is looking Gor-Geous
Arlene comes into work and pulls Tara away from her kissy-kissy session with Eggo so they can go talk in the ladies room about the terrible thing she did last night. They chase Lafayette out of the ladies room (I mentioned he got his pizzazz back, right?) and we come to find out that Arlene thinks she date raped Terry the cook. Tara asks if this is even possible, and Arlene explains that she decided to get Terry drunk so they could start making with the sweet, sweet love, but she blacked out and doesn’t remember what happened but she is pretty sure she and Terry did it.
Tara gets an oh crap look on her face when she hears that other people were blacking out last night too, but this scene really doesn’t get resolved because
We cut to Lafayette wandering out of the kitchen to top off his water glass full of tequila and running into Eggo. Lafayette can see right from the get go that Eggo is way too good to be true. Tara doesn’t want to hear this, but no offense to Tara but Lafayette is right. The last guy Tara was going out with was Sam, a guy who can’t quite figure out how to operate his razor and who has a butt that looks like raw cookie dough. Eggo on the other hand always makes me sad on this show because if he’s here it means that somewhere Calvin Kline underwear isn’t being modeled.
Tara doesn’t want to hear about this, and doesn’t have to, because Andy shows up yelling for Terry to come out “so he can kick his ass so hard that he’ll be shitting boots.” Arlene tries to get Andy to calm down, but Andy isn’t in the mood to take advice from a “zombie woman.” Andy proceeds to explain just exactly what is happening in town, but because Maryann is making everyone black out all the kinky hoodoo stuff she’s got them doing, and the fact that Andy still hasn’t changed his shirt or sobered up from the night before makes it easy for everyone to just blow him off as a drunken yahoo. Well everyone except Sam who looks like he just pooped himself. You know if this show was on network TV, Depends would be a shoe in for a sponsor.
Jess wakes up and Hoyt has been a busy little bee. He’s scattered rose petals all over the room and lit a whole mess of blood scented candles that he says smell like soup to him, so the night will be perfect for Jess. You know this scene shows you just how good these two are together because the line “Hoyt, just take off your pants,” comes off as sweet and romantic. Hoyt sheds his husky boy jeans and the necrophilia will soon commence. Awwwww!
Jason’s plan of running away appears to be working like a charm. That is until he gets chased down by a golf cart flashing its high beams. Jason is kind of scared until he realizes it’s being driven by the Plastic Preacherette. Too bad for Jason she seems to be nursing a serious case of the crankies because she shoots him with a big ass gun.
Daphne has gotten out of the lake but is still hanging around on that dock. She gets super excited when Maryann shows up and tells Maryann she’s missed her. Maryann thanks her for her service. Hmmm, that’s weird; it’s the sort of thing they tell you when you get laid off. Oh Snapple! Eggo is there too with those big black hoodoo eyes and he stabs Daphne. Daphne coughs up about a pint of Bosco and drops dead while Maryann looks at her with a happy little grin. This is obviously bad for Daphne, but the silver lining is that if you are a customer at Merlotte’s the odds of you actually getting what you ordered just tripled.
The Big ex-wrestler dude comes back to the church basement after having Jason hand his ass to him. Hugo decides this is a good time to ask to be let out of the supply closet for being such a good snitch. The big ex-wrestler dude decides wailing on Hugo until his arms get tired is a better plan and proceeds to start thumping on Hugo like he’s a melon.
Sookie decides to try to pull the big ex-wrestler dude off of Hugo. A really poor plan considering she weighs maybe as much as one of his cauliflower ears. The big ex-wrestler dude stops wailing on Hugo, which is good, and starts wailing on Sookie, which is bad. Well not for Hugo, but I think for everyone else it qualifies as bad. Things get worse, because the big ex-wrestler dude decides the thing that would really cheer him up right now would be to rape Sookie.
We cut back to Bill and Lorena, Jesus again! They keep yammering about how she loves him and he doesn’t love her and we have to watch another flashback where Bill threatens to kill himself if Lorena doesn’t let him go and she shoots blood out of her eyes and lets him go, but we go back to the present and she says she’s changed her mind.
It’s right then that Barry the unemployed mind reader shows up to give Bill Sookie’s message. Lorena won’t let Bill talk and gets Barry to tell her through the closed door that Sookie is in trouble and Godric is being held by the wingnuts. Eric hears this and does his super duper fast vampire run out of the building. Barry sends Sookie a psychic message letting her know he did what she wanted and he’s leaving. Only he isn’t, because he gets snatched into Bill’s room.
The big ex-wrestler dude is tearing the clothes off of Sookie and saying all sorts of creepy stuff (although to be fair, anything said during a rape could be classified as creepy). Just when it looks like the big ex-wrestler dude is going to do it with Sookie he gets yanked off camera. When Sookie rolls around she sees that Godric is holding the big ex-wrestler dude by his ear. Sookie is shocked because she was expecting somebody older. Well not older then 2,000 years, but somebody who isn’t sporting spring break tattoos. The End.
Wow, there was a ton of talking this week. It was still good, and the episode flew by but there was a lot more talking then humping and biting this week. A nice change of pace, but I just hope they remember why we tune in to watch.
I didn’t see Hugo being the traitor for a minute. Of course I didn’t see Daphne being a magic pig either. I’m starting to think I would really fit in around Bon Temps.
Anyway it was another great one, and the next one looks just as good. Talk to y’all soon.