True Blood: Eyeball Bleeding Means They Care

It doesn’t matter because Eric and Isabel get to talking about the care and feeding of humans. Eric wants to know if Isabel is creeped out by the fact Hugo is going to shrivel up and turn into a raisin on her. Isabel says she’s more curious then anything and kind of sees Hugo getting old like a science project. Wow that just screams true love, doesn’t it? Actually I’m willing to cut Isabel some slack, because Hugo is already named Hugo and has a widow’s peak that makes him look like Satan’s little helper; honestly, just how much creepier is this guy going to get?

Isabel asks Eric what Bill thinks about his jonesing for Sookie. Eric gets on his high horse and says he doesn’t care about Sookie, all he’s concerned about is his long time obsession for a 2,000 year-old vampire who looks like a teenaged boy. You know I really bet Eric would like a do over on that last fun fact he tossed into the conversation.

Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the Plastic Preacherette are basking in the glow of hot satisfying church balcony sex. Well Jason is, the PP is crying and giggling and telling Jason how Jason showed her what love could really be like and that she knows God wants them to be together forever and ever. Jason starts to get a queasy look on his face as he realizes he just gave this wingnut her first orgasm.

It gets better, well for us, for Jason not so much. The Plastic Preacherette starts getting dressed and babbling about how she and Jason need to find the Reverend Steve-o so they can let him in on the happy news that they spent the night getting super freaky in his church. Jason gets a look on his face like he’s the poster boy for high colonics at this news.

Jason brings up the fact that Stevie has a flamethrower in his basement so maybe they can just keep this on the down low. The PP isn’t going for this because she’s all about honesty. Fidelity? Not so much, but she is heck on wheels with honesty. Luckily Jason reminds her about the big vampire roast coming up, and she decides to wait, because that’s God’s work, but wants to tell the Reverend Steve-o right afterwards. Jason is like you betcha sweetcheeks, but after the PP wrestles her way back into her panties and runs off giggling Jason looks like a guy who just got clobbered in the baby beebees.

Actually this scene is pretty awesome, because Jason is the smartest person in it, so it’s kind of the same as watching a total eclipse of the sun, only with IQ points instead of sunlight.

Back at the hotel Jess and Hoyt are still making out, when Hoyt comes up for air and has some big news. He tells Jess that if his virginity were up for auction on e-bay, it would be described as “in mint condition, still in the box.” Hoyt is a little ashamed because he’s 28 and he’s still a virgin. Hoyt, you also live in your mom’s basement; you’re only a bathrobe away from becoming a blogger.

Jess is all big whoop, because she’s a virgin too. Awwwww! Although Jess is 17, and well undead, which you have to admit is a slightly different then Hoyt’s situation. Still, she tells Hoyt if He wants to, they can deflower each other, and Hoyt wants to very, very much.

Hoyt is excited/nervous as hell that they are going to start making the sweet, sweet love right away, but Jess points out the sun will be coming up soon and she needs her rest. Still they can cuddle. Awwww! But after awhile she’s going to look like a cold lifeless corpse. Not so awwwww! Luckily we don’t see that that part, so this scene stays nice and romantic and not like something that scars you for life when you stumble on to it at a German porn website, 42 times, in a row.

Guess who is back at the hotel now? Eric and spicy Latin vampire Isabel, oh and they brought big cowboy vampire Stan with them. Stan is talking major smack about how Isabel and Eric are Puss-Says for not going in and eating everyone at Camp HateAVampire when Sookie and Hugo didn’t come out. Stan makes the mistake of flapping his gums at Eric and Eric slams him into the wall and tells Stan he thinks he’s the reason Godric has gone missing and as soon as he can prove it, Eric will be unleashing the mother of all ass whoopings on a certain vampire who dresses like he’s angling for a gig in the Village People.

Then Eric heads off down the hall getting all weepy because his teenaged looking vampire bestie may be dead. There, there Eric, just go back to your room and put on that Jonas Brothers CD and everything will be okay.

Back in Bon Temps Tara wakes up with Eggo on the couch and has no idea how they got there. Neither does Eggo, but he’s not losing any sleep over that because, well, he’s a moron.

Actually Eggo’s theory is that he and Tara blacked out, no biggie, happens all the time since he started out hanging out with Maryann. Tara suggests that maybe she and Eggo should ease off the wacky tabacky. Eggo says sure no problemo, but his eyes are saying “whoa, slow down there crazy woman.” Then Eggo brings up the fact that Tara’s mom loves to get blotto, but Tara isn’t her mom. Well you can’t argue with this logic because if Tara were her mom she’d be a clone, or something else kind of sci-fi.
Anyway they have a good hug and all this talk of not passing the dutchie on the left hand side gets quietly shelved.

Sam get’s back to Merlotte’s and goes pulls out a gun that he’s got hidden in the fireplace. A gun hidden in the fireplace? Add this to the hundred grand in cash in his file cabinet and you have to wonder just when Sam turned into a character on The Sopranos?

Back at the basement of Camp HateAVampire the Reverend Steve-o shows up to have a little chat with Sookie. Sookie’s not talking because Stevie is a flaming intolerant a-hole. Well no arguments there, but Hugo decides he’s ready to go home right now and starts spilling his guts.

Stevie stops listening to Hugo, once Hugo mentions that Sookie’s last name is Stackhouse. The Reverend Steve-o asks if she’s Jason’s sister and when Sookie asks how he knows her brother, Stevie makes a face like he found out somebody has been peeing in his cornflakes. He tells the big ex-wrestler dude to come with him and they exit stage left.

Sookie takes a moment to tell Hugo to STFU and then sends out a super important psychic message to Barry the unemployed mind reader telling him to go tell Bill she’s in trouble and the wingnuts are holding Godric prisoner.

Back at the hotel we get to spend time with Bill and Lorena, oh goody. They spend a lot of time flapping their gums and bleeding out of their ears, which is what I feel like doing thanks to the afore mentioned gum flapping.

Bill tells Lorena if she won’t let him go rescue Sookie, she should at least call Eric so he can rescue Sookie. Lorena is way too happy to let Bill know that the reason she is in town is because Eric called her, and she tells Bill that Eric wants Sookie. Bill takes this news by slumping against the couch and looking like he is in great pain. Of course he’s bleeding out of his ear holes so that may have something to do with it too.

Over at Camp HateAVampire a little rational thought has finally broken out. Jason has decided the best way to handle this Plastic Preacherette and her well armed husband situation is to beat feet back to Bon Temps A-S-A-freaking-P. Too bad for Jason he gets scooped up by the Reverend Steve-o and the big ex-wrestler dude into an SUV, and they drive off for a little friendly chat.

The big ex-wrestler dude is holding a knife to Jason’s throat and Jason is pooping pink Twinkies because he thinks this is because of him boinking the Plastic Preacherette. This is why he has no idea what Stevie is talking about when he accuses Jason of being a traitor. Stevie isn’t buying Jason’s ignorance of the situation and thinks Jason is an evil genius. So he orders the big ex-wrestler dude to send Jason to H-E-double-hockey-sticks, and once again Jason is the smartest person in the scene. Just a second, [waffleboy check's window], no, no frogs raining from the sky, so the apocalypse hasn’t started yet. Still, I’m getting my umbrella out of the car; it pays to be prepared in these situations.

We cut to Andy with his arm in a cast, but that same messed up shirt from the night before telling Sheriff Bud about what happened last night. Andy’s side of the conversation includes words like “big claws” and “big black zombie eyes” and Bud’s side centers around the repeated use of the word “uh huh.”

Tara and Eggo are curled up on the couch watching an old horror movie when Maryann comes strolling in with a dead bunny she picked up while “communing with her animal nature” the night before.

Tara is a little creeped out by this, but does manage to bring up the fact that Maryann had a big party and the house got trashed the night before. Maryann calls it having a few people for drinks. Tara points out that it’s Sookie’s house. Maryann tells Tara that when Sookie gets home she’ll be so proud of Tara taking such good care of the place.” But being Maryann, she manages to say this is a vaguely threatening way that gets Tara to back down. Maryann goes wandering off to have Creepy Carl whip up a little hasenpfeffer. Once she is well out of earshot Tara grumbles about her being f-ing weird, Eggo agrees and thinks it’s really cool. We’ve been over the fact this guy is getting by strictly on his looks, right?

Daphne, the world’s worst traitorous shapeshifting waitress who lied her sculpted butt off about working at The Cracker Barrel is hanging out down by the old swimming hole. Sam comes up behind her looking like he’s going to plug her and then head back to The Bada Bing. Only it doesn’t work out that way. What does happen is Daphne tells Sam the time the spent together was good for chuckles and Sam starts moaning and crying about how he trusted her and shared all his feelings with her. Okay I’m starting to think maybe Sam wasn’t on The Sorpranos and is maybe the most heavily armed member of the cast of In Treatment instead.

Daphne strips down to her bra and panty set, her only real talent as a waitress, and takes one last dip. Sam gets cranky and asks her what’s the deal with Maryann. Daphne looks at him like he’s a nitwit and tells Sam Maryann is god dum dum. Wait, so what Daphne is telling us is God is a middle aged woman who spouts a near constant stream of new age psycho babble and can control people like robots?

Okay, maybe she has a point.

Back in the basement Hugo needs to wee-wee and is freaking out. Sookie tells him to calm down and offers him a water bottle to go in. Hugo doesn’t want anything to do with this plan. Sounds like somebody can’t go when other people are around. Sookie tries to get him to calm down and when she touches his arm, her crappy mind reading ability kicks in and she finds out that Hugo is the wingnut’s spy.

Over in Bon Temps Daphne is showing off her already known skill of treading water and decides to let us see what her real natural talent is; spewing out mountains of exposition to move the plot forward in the most clunky way possible. She gives Sam the complete low down on Maryann. Mainly, that Maryann is Maenad, a handmaiden of Dionysus, the God of wine, who is also Satan, and that she feeds on the energy of lust, violence, and all the other fun stuff that gets good ratings. She also tells Sam that when everybody is sporting their big black hoodoo eyes it means Maryann is controlling them, oh and that Maryann wants Sam to surrender himself to her because he’s a shapeshifter and maybe if she’s in a good mood she won’t kill him.

We cut back to the basement where Hugo has his own big batch of exposition to serve up. Mainly explaining that he sold out the vamps because the sex with spicy Latin vampire Isabel was awesome, but he started missing a lot of work, and she wouldn’t turn him into a vampire so they could have an equal relationship, so Hugo decided his best bet was to hook up with a religious group with an all-star capture the flag team. In case you’ve missed it, Hugo is a big whiner and a world class dim bulb.

Sookie is unimpressed, so Hugo tells her that the vampires are just using her, which is why she is locked in a basement and nobody has come to rescue her yet. It’s a good point. Of course so is Sookie’s counter argument that the wingnuts don’t really like Hugo and that’s why he’s locked in the basement with her. Hugo doesn’t like this fun fact, probably the same way he wouldn’t like if I pointed out he doesn’t have a lot of hair on the top if his head.

Upstairs everyone is showing up for the big pajama party the wingnuts are throwing and the Plastic Preacherette is greeting everyone at the door and being incredibly plastic. The Reverend Steve-o shows up in one of those creepy white suits that everyone gets when they graduate from annoying TV preacher school and tells her they need to talk about Jason. This causes the world’s biggest fan of honesty to get a look on her face like her pooper just went on the fritz. A bad person would watch this scene 20 times in a row, and when I say a bad person, what I mean is me.

The big ex-wrestler dude is getting all set to kill Jason, who still doesn’t know what is going on, when the big ex-wrestler dude makes the mistake of saying some bad things about Sookie. Oh, Jason no likee, and the next thing you know he and the big ex-wrestler dude are making with the fisticuffs. We now figure out why the big ex-wrestler dude is an ex-wrestler dude, because Jason wails on his balding noggin something fierce, and while Jason is in great shape, he’s only slightly bigger then the Travelocity Roaming Gnome. Anyway, Jason gives the big ex-wrestler dude a kick to the nuts for talking smack about Sookie and proceeds to continue with his original plan of fleeing the state of Texas as fast as his little legs will carry him.

Back in Bon Temps, Lafayette has gotten his pizzazz back, and is a V peddling fool. Hey buddy; great to have you back, we missed you!

Arlene comes into work and pulls Tara away from her kissy-kissy session with Eggo so they can go talk in the ladies room about the terrible thing she did last night. They chase Lafayette out of the ladies room (I mentioned he got his pizzazz back, right?) and we come to find out that Arlene thinks she date raped Terry the cook. Tara asks if this is even possible, and Arlene explains that she decided to get Terry drunk so they could start making with the sweet, sweet love, but she blacked out and doesn’t remember what happened but she is pretty sure she and Terry did it.

Tara gets an oh crap look on her face when she hears that other people were blacking out last night too, but this scene really doesn’t get resolved because

We cut to Lafayette wandering out of the kitchen to top off his water glass full of tequila and running into Eggo. Lafayette can see right from the get go that Eggo is way too good to be true. Tara doesn’t want to hear this, but no offense to Tara but Lafayette is right. The last guy Tara was going out with was Sam, a guy who can’t quite figure out how to operate his razor and who has a butt that looks like raw cookie dough. Eggo on the other hand always makes me sad on this show because if he’s here it means that somewhere Calvin Kline underwear isn’t being modeled.

Tara doesn’t want to hear about this, and doesn’t have to, because Andy shows up yelling for Terry to come out “so he can kick his ass so hard that he’ll be shitting boots.” Arlene tries to get Andy to calm down, but Andy isn’t in the mood to take advice from a “zombie woman.” Andy proceeds to explain just exactly what is happening in town, but because Maryann is making everyone black out all the kinky hoodoo stuff she’s got them doing, and the fact that Andy still hasn’t changed his shirt or sobered up from the night before makes it easy for everyone to just blow him off as a drunken yahoo. Well everyone except Sam who looks like he just pooped himself. You know if this show was on network TV, Depends would be a shoe in for a sponsor.

Jess wakes up and Hoyt has been a busy little bee. He’s scattered rose petals all over the room and lit a whole mess of blood scented candles that he says smell like soup to him, so the night will be perfect for Jess. You know this scene shows you just how good these two are together because the line “Hoyt, just take off your pants,” comes off as sweet and romantic. Hoyt sheds his husky boy jeans and the necrophilia will soon commence. Awwwww!

Jason’s plan of running away appears to be working like a charm. That is until he gets chased down by a golf cart flashing its high beams. Jason is kind of scared until he realizes it’s being driven by the Plastic Preacherette. Too bad for Jason she seems to be nursing a serious case of the crankies because she shoots him with a big ass gun.

Daphne has gotten out of the lake but is still hanging around on that dock. She gets super excited when Maryann shows up and tells Maryann she’s missed her. Maryann thanks her for her service. Hmmm, that’s weird; it’s the sort of thing they tell you when you get laid off. Oh Snapple! Eggo is there too with those big black hoodoo eyes and he stabs Daphne. Daphne coughs up about a pint of Bosco and drops dead while Maryann looks at her with a happy little grin. This is obviously bad for Daphne, but the silver lining is that if you are a customer at Merlotte’s the odds of you actually getting what you ordered just tripled.

The Big ex-wrestler dude comes back to the church basement after having Jason hand his ass to him. Hugo decides this is a good time to ask to be let out of the supply closet for being such a good snitch. The big ex-wrestler dude decides wailing on Hugo until his arms get tired is a better plan and proceeds to start thumping on Hugo like he’s a melon.

Sookie decides to try to pull the big ex-wrestler dude off of Hugo. A really poor plan considering she weighs maybe as much as one of his cauliflower ears. The big ex-wrestler dude stops wailing on Hugo, which is good, and starts wailing on Sookie, which is bad. Well not for Hugo, but I think for everyone else it qualifies as bad. Things get worse, because the big ex-wrestler dude decides the thing that would really cheer him up right now would be to rape Sookie.

We cut back to Bill and Lorena, Jesus again! They keep yammering about how she loves him and he doesn’t love her and we have to watch another flashback where Bill threatens to kill himself if Lorena doesn’t let him go and she shoots blood out of her eyes and lets him go, but we go back to the present and she says she’s changed her mind.

It’s right then that Barry the unemployed mind reader shows up to give Bill Sookie’s message. Lorena won’t let Bill talk and gets Barry to tell her through the closed door that Sookie is in trouble and Godric is being held by the wingnuts. Eric hears this and does his super duper fast vampire run out of the building. Barry sends Sookie a psychic message letting her know he did what she wanted and he’s leaving. Only he isn’t, because he gets snatched into Bill’s room.

The big ex-wrestler dude is tearing the clothes off of Sookie and saying all sorts of creepy stuff (although to be fair, anything said during a rape could be classified as creepy). Just when it looks like the big ex-wrestler dude is going to do it with Sookie he gets yanked off camera. When Sookie rolls around she sees that Godric is holding the big ex-wrestler dude by his ear. Sookie is shocked because she was expecting somebody older. Well not older then 2,000 years, but somebody who isn’t sporting spring break tattoos. The End.

Wow, there was a ton of talking this week. It was still good, and the episode flew by but there was a lot more talking then humping and biting this week. A nice change of pace, but I just hope they remember why we tune in to watch.

I didn’t see Hugo being the traitor for a minute. Of course I didn’t see Daphne being a magic pig either. I’m starting to think I would really fit in around Bon Temps.

Anyway it was another great one, and the next one looks just as good. Talk to y’all soon.