True Blood: Let’s Hear It for Crazy Rednecks And Dumbasses

Well we are coming down to the wire on this season of True Blood and the last episode did not disappoint in moving the story forward. So make the jump and let’s talk about the things that need to be talked about. Like vampire pool parties, is eating an egg you laid yourself while you were turned into a chicken, natural or just plain weird? How Eric can almost pull off wearing a blue housedress, and big ass eggs.

(Sorry for the delay on this episode’s post. Mainly it was due to my computer actually having a worse work ethic then yours truly, and did I mention I was carried away by a big bird and it took a long time to get home? No? Are you buying it? No?? Then forget I mentioned it, okay? Anyway thanks for your patience.)

Our episode starts right where the last one left off; with a shot of a foot with Heinz 57 dripping down it. I mean blood, although come to think of it there isn’t really a good reason for either of those things to be dripping down from your foot.

The camera pans up and there is a lady vampire chowing down on some girl’s leg. Well either that or I’m watching some really cheesy soft core cable porn. Just a second, [Waffleboy checks the channel], nope, I’m not watching Cinamax, so it must be a lady vampire working in a late night snack.

The camera pans up, and hey it is a lady vampire getting in a late night snack, or seeing as they only come out at night, brunch? Okay I’m not going to think about that particular question right now, because thinking defeats the whole purpose of watching TV in the first place, and that would make my cable bill a complete and total waste of money.

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The lady vampire looks up and asks Bill if he wants to go family style on the young girl she is using as a Slurpee. Bill politely declines and looks very uncomfortable. Play to your strengths Billy, play to your strengths. We then cut to the opening credits.

After the opening credits (which are still fun to watch even 11 weeks into this show), we cut back to what’s going on over Bill’s house. Hoyt is pulling Jess off of his mom and is pretty upset that his best girl just essentially tried to shotgun all of his momma’s blood. Jess points out that Momma Hoyt is about 240 pounds of Insert-Your-Own-Favorite-Profanity-Here, and was saying terrible things about her and Hoyt. Hoyt points out that she’s his momma, so she gets to say stuff like that.

Hoyt doesn’t point out that if he and Jess were ever to get married as his momma, Momma Hoyt also has the right come over to their house whenever she felt like it and make snide comments about Jess’s housekeeping abilities. The good news is Jess would then have the option to deny sex to Hoyt, and Hoyt would have the right to get totally over-involved in his fantasy football team. Hey, it works for all my married friends; it would work Hoyt and Jess. Marriage, you can’t beat it, and did I mention if you act now your friends will buy you four electric woks you don’t really need because they were on sale and they are too f-ing lazy to go online and check your bridal registry?

Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Electric woks? Before that. Fantasy football? Before that? Women denying sex to their husbands because their mother-in-laws treat them like poop? Keep going. Oh right, True Blood! You know, I don’t care what your mother-in-law says about how often you clean your windows, you’re the bestest!

Hoyt pulls Momma Hoyt, who actually liked getting bit, out of the house and tells Jess he should have listened to Vampire Bill when he warned Hoyt about her. Jess gets pretty worked up by this and when the door closes she screams super duper loud and squirts a little blood of her eyes.

Sadly, this is all we get to see of Jess this week, which is too bad, because I was kind of interested in seeing what is the vampire equivalent of polishing off a quart of Rocky Road ice cream when you have a blowout with your boyfriend. Oh well, moving on.

We go back to Bill, and you know that vampire lady who was chowing down on the girl’s thigh? Well it turns out she is the vampire queen of Louisiana. At least that’s the explanation for Bill constantly calling her “your majesty;” I don’t know about you guys, but until I see a tiara I’m withholding my final judgment.

Bill tells the vampire queen that they’re got trouble right here in Bon Temps and that rhymes with P and that doesn’t have a darn thing to do with maenads, which is what they do have in Bon Temps. This leads to classic good news, bad news situation.

The good news is the vampire queen knows all about maenads and in the night’s first big clunky bit of exposition fills us in on all sorts of fun facts. For starters, the reason Maryann is a maenad is because she has a super duper extra awesome imagination.

You see according to Queenie, everything that exists in the universe imagined itself into existence and way, way back in the olden days, translations before people learned how to make pants, although if you watch Project Runway you could make an argument that we are still in the olden days. Anyway, Maryann was in a notso hotso marriage to a guy into animal husbandry and pederasty, when she signed up for the First Church of Dionysus. Maryann then became very active in the Church program of humping whoever and whatever, and took extra merit badges in killing things with her bare hands and cannibalism, and all the while thought these things were bringing her closer and closer to god until one day, Wham-O! She woke up to find herself a perfectly acceptable badass monster for a pay cable vampire series, errr I mean a maenad.

So that’s the good news. The bad news is because Maryann thinks she’s immortal nothing can hurt her, so Bill’s trip was a big waste of time. Bill decides to exit stage left and get back to Bon Temps, but Queenie nixes this idea. Bill starts to beg off because he has to get back to Sookie, when Queenie arches her eyebrow and says she insists. Bill promptly pulls out his weakest smile and gets ready to spend the night.

Am I the only one who has noticed that pretty much every other vampire on the show can push Bill around at will? I think he’s pretty low on the totem pole. How low? Well let’s just say if the vampires were all in the circus, I think Bill would be the guy following the elephant around with a broom and a dust pan.

Back in Bon Temps Tara is pitching a serious poop fit because Sookie, Lafayette, and Tara’s mom won’t let her go back to Maryann’s to rescue Eggo. Tara’s making a big stink about how Eggo is a strong loving man. Please Tara, just fess up and admit it’s pretty hard to hook up with a guy built like an underwear model in backwoods Louisiana.

Lafayette is getting hinky because the poopeyes are running wild out in the woods and goes gets a gun out of his bedroom. Tara is still in full on woe is me mode, ignoring the fact her friends just got her away from an ancient supernatural being and got her de-poopedeyed, and concentrating on the fact they’re not dropping everything to go get the guy with rock hard abs who smacks her around when he gets button eyes. She’s had enough and ready to leg it over by herself.

Lafayette gets tired of this yapping and turns his gun on Tara and has Sookie handcuff her to the coffee table. (Awesome line from Sookie when she sees Lafayette’s handcuffs; “these have fur.”) Hmmm, family members screaming at each other, guns being brandished, people being chained to the furniture, is it Arbor Day on the show this week?

Tara responds to this by calming down and making a serious and logical argument for going to get her sweet babu. Just kidding, she starts spewing bile like Linda Blair with pea soup. Lafayette is a freak, Tara’s momma’s never loved her and is a soulless drunk, and Sookie is doing it with a dead guy. Shockingly this doesn’t get people to unlock her from the coffee table. It does get Lafayette and Sookie to go outside to “stand guard,” and Tara’s mom decides it’s a perfect time to flop on the couch and bawl her head off. Tara is all you’ve got be kidding me, but seeing as her mom starts crying even louder, apparently not.

Over at Merlotte’s, apparently Sam has told Jason and Andy about his being a shapeshifter. Jason thinks this is super spectacular awesome, but Andy is more concerned about figuring out a way to kill Maryann. Sam takes time out of cleaning up the bar to tell Jason and Andy they can’t kill Maryann, because a crap waitress who could turn into a pig told Sam Maryann is immortal shortly before she got her heart ripped out of her body. Sam tells Jason and Andy their best bet is to just leave town. This advice would make more sense if Sam hadn’t of been in the process of fleeing the city limits for the last seven episodes. Still given what we know it kind of makes sense.

Well luckily for the plot Jason and common sense haven’t been on speaking terms since, well ever. Jason decides what they really need to do is get their hands on a whole mess of guns and go totally Die Hard on Maryann. Sam points out that they can’t kill Maryann, and they can’t shoot anyone else because they are their friends and neighbors, just with a case of the poopeyes. Sam tells Jason if he isn’t careful he and Andy could end up destroying the town.

Jason comes back with “sometimes if you want to save something you have to destroy it,” and when Sam looks at him like he’s out of his tree Jason goes with deal clincher, “that’s in the bible. Or the Constitution.” Jason Stackhouse, Best. True Blood. Character. Ever.

Sadly we don’t get to see the end of this spirited debate because Sam sees little tiny faces looking in through the window. Oh my God, Sam has midgets! If the Board of Health gets wind of this and his skanky ass pool table this place will get shut down for sure. The little faces take off and Sam heads outside after them. Run Sam, Run! If you catch them they have to give you their pot o’ gold.

Sam goes out into the parking lot and lures them out of the woods. Oh man, they aren’t leprechauns; they’re Arlene’s kids, what a gyp. The kids ask if they can hide with Sam from their mom, and Sam says sure because who can say no to kids whose mom is suffering from the poopeyes.

Just then Jason and Andy come out in the parking lot because they are going to go down to the Sheriff’s office and get that mess of guns Jason has his heart set on. Sam tells them they are making a huge mistake, and Andy starts getting second thoughts.

Luckily for the plot Jason hasn’t even gotten first thoughts yet. Jason tells them that he’s a graduated of Camp HateAVampire which is pretty impressive to Andy because he doesn’t know that Jason’s training has consisted of Capture the flag, climbing a fence, and getting a bathtub squeezer from a chick with a massive forehead. Jason seals the deal by saying the time for thinking is over and now it’s time for action. That’s good enough for Andy and the moron twins make a gun run while Sam takes the kids into Merlotte’s for sammiches.

Over at Lafayette’s Sookie gets a text message from Bill that he won’t be coming back until tomorrow, but the real excitement is inside. Tara is working her mom’s guilt muscle to the nth degree, which is easy to do when you’re mom is an only recently recovered alcoholic, with a seriously out of control crush on Jesus. Tara brings up all the bad stuff her mom did to Tara while she was growing up, but says there is a one time offer today, that if she let’s Tara go get her underwear model, then Tara will forgive her and love her like the bestest mommy in the world. So Tara’s escape plan hinges on her mom falling for the “if you let me ride your bike I’ll be your best friend” offer that everyone figures out is a load of rich creamery butter by the third grade? Yeah, good luck with that plan Houdini.

Back at Merlotte’s the kids are wolfing down their sammiches and Sam is telling them that even though their momma has the poopeyes and keeps making out with Terry the cook, she loves them very much. The kids want to know if they can ask someone who might know how to fix this pesky maenad problem. (Hmmm, nobody seems to be signing up for Sam’s plan of cleaning up his bar and having a pity party until Maryann shows up again.) The little boy, Cody thinks a vampire would know what to do. His sister, who I’m sure has a name but I prefer to think of as “the other one” wants to know where vampire Bill is at, and Sam says he thinks Bill is still in Dallas. Cody asks Sam if he knows any other vampires and Sam gets a look on his face like someone just slipped him a poop sammich.

Back at Lafayette’s he and Sookie are sitting out on the porch having a talk about what an a-hole Eric is for getting both of them to drink his blood when Tara’s mom comes making with the serious boo-hooie about how she can’t take any more of Tara ragging on her and she just wants to stand guard and hold Lafayette’s rifle because it’s not like she just fell for one of the worst offers on TV not being pitched by that guy from the Shamwow commercials.

Lafayette gives his auntie the rifle and she promptly turns it on him and Sookie, because you know that ridiculous offer that Tara made to forgive and love her mom that even a kid on the short bus wouldn’t fall for? Well, the episode’s writer, Alan Ball, who is also the show’s producer and who also has an Academy Award around his house for Best Screenplay that he uses as a doorstop, thinks it’s an offer Tara’s mom just can’t pass up. There is no substitute for quality writing people.

Tara’s mom sends Sookie inside to unlock Tara from the coffee table and Lafayette who is having another PTSD flashback is curled up in the fetal position on the front porch. Lafayette really starts freaking out when Eric’s head is on Tara’s mom’s body and talking in her voice. Eventually we just get to Eric in Tara’s mom dress (which I am going to say he almost pulls off) asking Lafayette if he still wants to be a vampire and telling him how great it feels to be a Swedish sex bomb, an unholy creature of the night. Then Eric points the gun at Lafayette and pulls the trigger, but there is just a click and the gun doesn’t go off.

Sookie and Tara come outside and Sookie wants to know what Tara’s mom did to Lafayette. Tara’s mom says she didn’t do anything, which is true because it was Eric; he was just wearing her dress. Tara heads off to rescue Eggo but needs Sookie’s car keys. Sookie gives her the keys and calls her a fucking idiot (hold that thought). Tara hops in Sookie’s car and peels out.

We get a pretty nifty cut over to Andy and Jason driving up to the Sheriff’s office. Jason is talking about the practical applications of Sam’s shapeshifting abilities, like wondering if Sam has ever turned into a dog and done it with a lady dog, okay as practical as a dim bulb like Jason is ever going to get. Andy thinks this is gross, but Jason points put that it wouldn’t be bestiality because it would just be two dogs. You know what is the worst thing for me when two people are having a completely moronic conversation? I will immediately form an opinion. I’m kind of siding with Jason on this one, and no I’m not proud of that fact.

When the guys get inside, they run into the dispatcher who hits on Andy until she sees Jason and then starts rubbing up against him like a cat in heat. Jason selflessly decides to do it with little Miss Lucy Loose Labia so Andy can sneak in and get them those guns they came for. It’s nice to see Jason’s sexabilities having practical applications, and kind of funny to see the worried look he gets when the LLL tells Jason she is going to F him inside out and he says that sounds like it might hurt.

Andy goes back to the gun locker and opens it up because even though he had to turn in his gun and badge they let him keep a police radio and a complete set of keys when they decided he was too silly to be a cop. Andy is loading up on the goodies when there is a shot behind him. It’s Sheriff Bud who is in the mood for a little pantless square dancing. Andy goes along with this until he can get Bud’s gun away from him. This gives Sheriff Bud a case of the giggles and he exits stage left.

Sookie comes up with a clever master plan to get the gun away from Tara’s mom. She conks her in the head with an ash tray. Okay, as far as clever master plans go that is pretty lame, but for Bon Temps it is kind of the sign of true genius. Lafayette grabs the gun and he and Sookie drive off in his car to rescue Tara from Maryann.

Okay, let me get this straight, Tara going to rescue Eggo makes her a fucking idiot, but Sookie and Lafayette going to rescue Tara is okay? Welcome to Bon Temps people, where being a fucking idiot is a completely relative concept.

Well seeing as Sam is now responsible for the care of two small children he does the only sensible thing; he takes them to a vampire theme bar. They are all sitting in the parking lot of Fangtasia, when Ginger the dingy human waitress shows up. While she is unlocking the door Sam comes up and says hi which gives Ginger the opportunity to lose her poop (This woman is a champion screamer and it’s great to have her back.)

Sam explains that he is there to see Eric and wants to know if he and two small children can come inside, and Ginger is like no way Jose. This prompts Bill to reach into his wallet and says not even for a skanky snack, a hundred bucks? We leave this scene with Ginger looking awfully tempted.

Sookie and Lafayette are zipping down the road to go rescue Tara. Sookie’s plan is to pull Tara out of the house and if Maryann shows up for Lafayette to shoot her in the head. You know, for supposedly being the smart Stackhouse, it’s times like these that it is painfully obvious that Jason and Sookie are most definitely blood kin.

Tara shows up over at Maryann’s which is Sookie’s house, but it’s just easier to call it Maryann’s place. Well except when you take the time to explain it like I just did. Let’s just forget that first sentence, okay? Anyway, Tara comes in and finds Eggo and his poopeyes sitting at the kitchen table. Tara is like okay sexy man lets go get your eyes de-pooped, but it’s right then that Maryann shows up.

Tara asks why Maryann why she can’t let her and Eggo go, because all she really wants is Sam and they have nothing to do with her whole big party for The God Who Comes. Maryann explains that Tara is the reason Maryann is in town in the first place.

We get a flashback to Tara’s fake exorcism from last season where she killed a little poopeyed version of herself, and Maryann explains even though it was a fake ritual it was good enough for her to roll into town and set up shop. Tara is kind of freaking out, because it means everything that is happening in town is all her fault. I still think the screenwriters are a little responsible, but Tara is right up there with them on this one.

Maryann starts getting super jittery so Tara will get back on Team Poopeye, but Tara tells her that doesn’t work anymore. Maryann goes with plan B, giving Tara a hard slap of the side of her head, which is how my dad used to “fix” the TV when I was a kid, and how Chris Brown fixes relationships today, but neither of those facts doesn’t have anything to this story. That right cross does get the poop right back into Tara’s eyes and she and Eggo go scampering off upstairs to do whatever the poopeyed set does in that situation.

Speaking of poopeyes, the gang who were over at Merlotte’s enters stage right to let Maryann in on them catching Sam, and how The God Who Comes showed up and smote Sammy. Maryann is pretty pissed at this dumb assery and kicks them all out of the house after she makes it sound like fingernails are being dragged down a blackboard in their noggins. Come on Maryann. If you want super competent poopeyed minions next time pull this crap at MIT.

Over at the Sheriff’s office Jason has the Lucy Loose Labia tied up in the hallway and is asking her where the flamethrowers and grenades are at, and the LLL says she’ll tell Jason if they can get freaky freaky first. Jason tells her he’d like too but he doesn’t take advantage of women, and then gets defensive when she brings up this one girl who passed out while she and Jason were doing it. Before Jason can clear his good name (beyond the “she was fine when we started defense) this little squirrelly guy puts a gun to Jason’s head and asks him what is the name of the game you play when there is only one bullet in the gun.

Jason guesses Russian roulette and gets rewarded by the little squirrelly guy pulling the trigger on an empty chamber. Andy turns up and tells the little squirrelly guy to drop the gun. The little squirrelly guy shoots Andy, and Jason gets pissed and takes the gun away from the little squirrelly guy.

The good news is Andy is okay because he is wearing a Kevlar vest. The bad news for Jason is that Andy only found one vest and it just happens to be size extra husky so that leaves Jason as odd man out.

Hoyt’s over at his mom’s house handling the situation the way any man would whose vampire girlfriend just tried to eat his momma and whose town has been overrun by poopeyed zombies; he’s watching wrestling and cradling a baseball bat. He goes into the kitchen where momma Hoyt is whipping up a dish for The God Who Comes. It’s a casserole dish full of potato chips, grated cheese, candy bars and hot sauce. It’s like a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Momma Hoyt gets pretty bent out of shape when Hoyt tells her she can’t go to the party/orgy/human sacrifice over at Maryann’s and takes this time to let Hoyt know his daddy was probably a closet “HOMO sexual” who committed suicide. Hoyt gets a queasy look on his face when he hears this like he figuring out how many blood scented candles he is going to have to buy Jess when he apologizes for pulling her off of this Insert-Your-Own-Favorite-Profanity-Here.

Sookie and Lafayette have made it over to her house, which is also Maryann’s…I’m doing it again, huh? My bad, sorry. Anyway Sookie is all bent out of shape because naked people are dancing around the big meat statue in her front yard and tells Lafayette this is worse then when the ex-wrestler dude tried to rape her in Dallas. Umm, you know what Sookie? If Godric hadn’t shown up when he did you wouldn’t be saying that, okay? She then mentions her decapitated meemaw and asks Lafayette why so many people in the world do bad things. Lafayette tells her it’s because some people are just weak. Or in this case, under the hypnotic spell of an ancient supernatural creature, but usually yeah it’s because they are weak.

Sookie’s attempt to hijack everything that is going wrong in town and make it all about her gets interrupted when Arlene and Terry the Cook fall out of a tree (no, I’m not making that up). Arlene tells Sookie and Lafayette they are trespassing and they are going to have to pay a fine of one hundred million dollars…and their pants. Terry the Cook wants Lafayette’s rifle. Lafayette counters with an offer of a big bag of Ecstasy. Arlene doesn’t want drugs until Terry points out they make sex real good, then she is totally on board. Where is Nancy Reagan when we need her the most?

Lafayette starts leaving a trail of X on the ground that Terry and Arlene are pecking at like chickens and tells Sookie he’ll catch up with her later.

Over at Fangtasia Eric is lounging on this little catwalk and asking Sam why he should help him. How about because if you don’t, then there is no way we can work you into the last two episodes of the season and Bill Compton will be carrying all the weight on the sexy vampire front, and who wants to see that? Okay, that was my response. Sam launches in to a little pep talk about how they all need to stick together so they don’t get picked off one at a time. Personally, I think mine is better.

Eric doesn’t answer Sam right away because he decides to spend a little time with the kids. Cody wants to see his fangs but his sister gets a little freaked out which prompts Eric to ask the girl if she likes vampires. The other one tells him that their almost step-daddy hated vampires, but they don’t. This causes Cody to chime in with the best line of the night; “he went on a vacation with Jesus.”

Pam thinks these kids are morons, but Eric likes them because they are miniature humans, or as he calls them, “teacup humans.” Oh and they’re good eatin’ too.

Sam gets Eric to focus on the plot and asks about his problem. Eric says he might know someone who can help, might. Let me guess Eric, does she slink around in an evening gown and hasn’t enjoyed sex with a man since the Eisenhower Administration? Anyway Eric walks outside with Sam and the kids, tells them he’ll be in touch if he learns anything and then literally flies away to go see the vampire queen.

Sookie heads into Maryann’s house which is Sookie’s, but that doesn’t matter as much as what she finds when she gets inside. The poopeyes are putting on a serious creep show in the old Stackhouse place. That kind of slutty woman who called Peanut for a good time instead of Maryann last week has cut off one of her fingers for He Who Comes, because he loves presents.

It gets really weird when Sookie gets in the kitchen. There is some really creepy extra sitting buck naked in the kitchen sink playing with what look like intestines. This is pretty much a lock to give anyone a case of the willies, but the thing that bothers me is how an adult can fit in a kitchen sink? Since I’ve watched this one I find myself looking at my kitchen sink and wondering if I could fit in it. Luckily I’ve been able to resist the temptation so far, because the last thing I want to do is have to explain to my apartment’s handyman why I’m naked and stuck in my kitchen sink.

Anyway Sookie is just trying to walk through the room, and go find Tara when Coroner Mike grabs her ankle. Sookie starts screaming and then all the poopeyes start screaming and the only way she can get them to shut up is to get down on the floor and cuddle with Coroner Mike. So far Sookie’s plan isn’t doing so good.

Over at the Queen’s all the vampires are wearing bathing suits and lounging around the indoor pool. There are a whole bunch of model types on the other side of the pool who are a vampire buffet. The Queen tells Bill to take his pick, but Bill tells her he only feeds from Sookie. Oh boy that news doesn’t go over very well. The Queen calls over some Eastern European guy and tells Bill to chow down because they are playing Yahtzee later and she wants him at his best. Just before Bill gets his feed on the Eastern European guy tells Bill they can have sex too. Bill says that won’t be necessary and is this on Logo? No? Then I guess he’s right.

After feeding Arlene and Terry enough X to keep a rave feeling happy into the next century, Lafayette is heading into the house to hook up with Sookie and get Tara. This is too bad for him because he runs into Maryann and Creepy Carl who have been out picking poisonous herbs. Maryann starts talking about spooky stuff and walking towards Lafayette. Lafayette tells her to stop and when she doesn’t, he shoots her. Well he shoots her but the bullet bounces off her hand and hits Creepy Carl right in the melon.

When Maryann looks over Ca-ca-Carl is de-de-dead. Maryann is less broken up over this then I was when I ate the last Popsicle in the freezer today. She just looks at Lafayette and says, “You cook, right?”

Everyone is playing Yahtzee over at the Queen’s vampire pool party, and Bill is getting all antsy to get back to Bon Temps, so to get him to put a sock in it the vampire queen tells Bill some more fun maenad facts. She tells Bill the whole reason Maenads do this whole sacrifice thing is so that one day Dionysus will show up and eat them which when you think about, being in your god’s tum-tum is about as close as you can get to him.

Bill and Queenie both think it’s pretty ironic that maenads are invincible mainly so they can eventually get killed. I think you could also make an argument for dumb, but either one will work in this case.

One of the secret service type dudes comes over and tells Queenie she has a guest so the Queen wanders out of the scene. This gives Bill the chance to talk with this girl who is Sookie’s cousin. I’m not sure if she is a vampire, or a snack but she has been hanging around with the vampire queen since she ducked out of a trip to rehab that Sookie’s meemaw paid for. She asks Bill how Sookie is doing and Bill smiles and tells her fine. Then she asks about Sookie’s Gran and oh man didn’t this conversation get awkward in a hurry?

Queenie comes back and tells Bill that Eric is there and Bill tells her he’s leaving. The vampire queen tells Bill this macho posturing is ridiculous and Bill and Eric should just have sex with each other and get it over with. Helllooo, Your Majesty? This isn’t the Logo network, m’kay? Anyway Bill says goodbye and exits stage left.

When Bill is walking out Eric is walking in which gives them the perfect opportunity to have sex, talk. Bill asks Eric what he’s doing at the Queen’s house and Eric tells him he needs to find out how to kill a maenad. This leads to a little back and forth conversation about how pathetic it was for Eric to trick Sookie into drinking his blood and Bill admitting that she drank his blood pretty much as soon as they met. Bill counters by telling Eric if he doesn’t leave Sookie alone, Bill will tell her about Eric having Lafayette sell vampire blood. Eric gets a look on his face like his sphincter just spontaneously contracted and tells Bill he doesn’t like threats. Bill tells Eric he doesn’t like them either and then he walks away. Burn! Well played Bill Compton, well played.

Andy and Jason pull up in front of Maryann’s and Jason is still talking about Sam being a shapeshifter. Jason wonders if Sam has ever turned into a chicken, laid eggs and then eaten them. I’m just throwing this out there but HBO ever wants a can’t miss spin off of this show they should just let Jason talk about whatever comes into his head for an hour. It would be comic gold and I’d watch every week.

Andy by this point is doing a pretty good job of ignoring Jason and the whole Sam thing, so he and Jason load up on carbs by eating candy bars. While they are chowing down Jason asks Andy why he’s never liked Jason. At first Jason says that isn’t true but after awhile admits he thinks Jason has had it too easy being a former all state high school quarterback and doing as well with the ladies as he does. Jason explains that thanks to football he’s already having knee issues and as far as it being too easy for Jason to do well with the ladies. Jason points out that he works out super duper hard and watches a lot of porn to learn stuff. What the? You can learn stuff watching porn? I’ve always just watched because it gives me something to do while I masturbate. See, this show just became educational? Thank you Alan Ball.

Jason then gives Andy a pep talk about how even though they don’t like each other that much, God wants them to open up the whoopass can on Maryann for the dumbasses and crazy rednecks, and because he’s talking to Andy, this works like a charm. You know these two are really intellectual soul mates. Anyway, they grab their guns and head inside.

Sam is sitting on his front porch when Bill shows up from doing his super duper fast vampire run. They don’t really say anything, and I’m sure this will make a lot of sense next week, but right now it’s kind of dumb.

Sookie’s still on the floor with Coroner Mike listening to him tell her about how he wanted to be a DJ when he was younger. Sookie has had enough of this noise and tells Coroner Mike they should have sex right now but that she has to be on top. Coroner Mike is totally on board with this idea, big shocker, so he lets go of Sookie and then she conks him on the head with a frying pan, knocking him out. Man, Sookie is all about the blunt force trauma to the head this episode.

Sookie heads upstairs and it’s even creepier then it was downstairs. When Sookie goes into her old room there is some guy with bad tats wearing a dress and checking himself out in the mirror. Okay, that’s not that creepy but with the tats the guy should have thought twice before he went with a sleeveless dress.

When Sookie gets to her Meemaw’s room that’s where the creepier kicks in. Tara and Eggo and breaking all sorts of old stuff which ticks off Sookie to no end because that was her five year supply of Christmas presents, and she tries to stop Tara from tearing something up, but Tara tells her it’s for the nest. For the nest? Yep, it turns out Tara and Eggo have made this big ass nest in the middle of Sookie’s Gran’s bed with a giant egg smack dab in the middle. This is so weird I’m not even going to try to make a joke.

Sookie’s pretty freaked out, but kind of calms down when she hears Lafayette behind her saying, “there you are; I’ve been looking all over for you.” Sookie turns around, and Lafayette has the poopeyes. Sookie screams bloody murder, The End.

Once again, sorry for the delay on this post between my computer betraying me, the three day weekend, and me getting carried off by that big bird, this one was a tough post to get finished. It won’t happen again.

I gave Alan Ball a lot of poop for some of the writing this week, but you know what was cool? That the whole Maryann plot got set in motion last season with something else that had nothing to do with it at first glance. That’s the type of quality writing that can lead to a long and successful series.

What do the rest of you think of Evan Rachel Wood as the vampire queen? I liked her, but I’m a sucker for yachtzee. Either way I am in the market for a good nickname because Queenie just isn’t going to cut it, so any suggestions will be greatly appreciated,

There was another great bit of physical comedy from Ryan Kwanten this week when Sam called him a damn fool and Jason promptly turned around and walked into a tree. For a guy who plays one of the leading fictional dumbasses on TV right now, he really does a great job on the little things to make scenes work.

Anyway, less to a week to go before we get the season finale.

See ya’ll soon and thanks for stopping by.