True Blood: Squeezers For God

Hey Gasmi, well Sunday has come and gone, so it’s time to talk about the bestest show about vampires, mind reading in the hospitality industry, climbing chain link fences for God, and at work romances for shapeshifters in the 9:00 Sunday time slot . Oh and not only that, but this week’s episode shattered the record for most hand jobs on TV in an hour that had been held by Meet The Press for close to 30 years. Yep, it’s time for True Blood, so make the jump and see what happened this week.

This week’s episode starts with Sam and Daphne the World’s Worst Waitress out in the woods. Daphne is telling Sam she knows all about his secret, and Sam is all like “secret? What secret? Nope, nope, nope, no secrets around here, and I definitely don’t turn into a dog after work, that’s for sure.” Of course Sam is as about as good a liar as Daphne is a waitress, so all he manages to do is look shifty and guilty.

Daphne shows no real interest in listening to Sam, which is something we both have in common that I didn’t know about, and proceeds to start walking through the woods taking her clothes off. Sam is following behind her gathering up all her clothes, because a tidy forest is a happy forest, when he comes up on what is just about the cutest deer in the world. Sam immediately says hi, because if Eddie Murphy can talk to the animals, how hard can it really be? The deer turns back into Daphne, which causes Sam to poop a brick, and we cut to the credits.

Okay, confession time. I love the opening credits for this show, mainly because of theme song, Bad, Bad Things by Jace Everett. You know since I’ve started doing recaps, I watch each episode about four times, and I almost never fast forward through the credits. Okay, that ends my fanboy gushing, on with the snark.

After the opening credits we go right back to Sam and Daphne the World’s Worst Shapeshifting Waitress. Sam is freaking out, because turning into a collie is perfectly normal, but a deer? That’s just freaky. Daphne tells Sam she saw him turn from a dog into Sam the other night at the lake. She thinks it’s great because they have so much in common, so they can hang out and talk about the fun of taking animal form, oh and do a lot of serious humping too. Sam gets on board with this right away and they start necking which leads me to believe the talking part will come later, probably at about the same time they take a smoke break and shortly before Sam rolls over and goes to sleep.

Sadly for anyone who was hoping to watch a little quality shapeshifting cable neeked here, it just doesn’t work out that way. Terry the cook and Arlene the waitress show up and the situation gets as awkward as it always does when some employees are in the woods getting ready to hump and some other company employees stumble in looking for a place to hump. What’s that? You say that never happens where you work? God, your company picnics must really suck, huh?

Daphne the World’s Worst Shapeshifting Waitress suddenly gets a case of the shys and takes off. Sam gets to make a little more awkward conversation with Terry and Arlene and then the head off into the woods to get a little something, something, and Sam gets to take his prize winning case of blue balls home and put them up on the mantle.

Over in Dallas Sookie catches up with Barry the mind reading bell hop in the hallway and Sookie is very excited because this is a whole new person in a whole new state she can annoy the poop out of. Sookie has decided that she and Barry should be telepath buddies, and exchange decoder rings. Barry treats Sookie like she’s an annoying wackadoodle, which vaults him into the lead for being the smartest character on the show. Barry tells Sookie not to tell anyone about him and to just leave him alone, and then he heads off to work.

When Sookie gets back to the hotel suite Bill and Jess are having a pretty big dust up about Jess ordering that little guy from room service. Jess’s stance is it isn’t hunting if you get the guy off a menu, but Bill says it’s the moral equivalent of watching porn on the TV. Jess’s eyes light up when she hears about the porn, and I’m guessing Bill is going to be pissed in a month when he’s explaining to Eric why there is a charge for “My First Fang Bang” on their hotel bill. Bill tells Jess to never mind that guff and just drink her Japanese synthetic blood and like it. Jess storms off to her room and slams the door, which now that I think about it, this is pretty much the way all their conversations end.

Bill asks Sookie where she’s been and Sookie tells him she was looking for the ice machine, and definitely wasn’t trying to make friends with a mind reading bell hop. Bill tells Sookie she shouldn’t go wandering off because it’s too dangerous. Sookie tells Bill she’s not worried because she’s the main character and without her there isn’t a show, she knows Bill will protect her. Bill wants to keep talking and worrying because those are the two things he does best, but our little Sookie has a case of the hornies so they make out instead.

While Sookie and Bill are getting ready to do the horizontal mambo, Jess uses a cell phone she got off Leon the kidnapper to call Hoyt. It’s such a sweet scene and she and Hoyt are so cute together, that I’m not even going to mention Hoyt’s lips move when he reads comic books. Anyway Jess and Hoyt get to have their first talk since Vampire Bill kicked Hoyt out of his house for flashing his moobs. It turns out they both had a super duper great time and really, really, really like each other. Awww. So they decide to just talk on the phone for the rest of the night and the last we see of them Jess is curled up on her bed listening to Hoyt tell her about what is happening in his comic book and they are both having a great time.

Over at Casa de Plastic Preachers, it’s the next morning and Jason gets woken up when some big ex-wrestler dude breaks into his room with an air horn yelling for Jason to rise and shine for God. Jason stumbles out of his room trying to get into the sweats the big ex-wrestler dude gave him, and it looks like God is going to have to wait on that shining part for at least a little while.

Jason gets down to this exercise field where the other potential Solders of God are milling around. The big ex-wrestler dude shouts a bunch of boot camp gibberish and then the floor gets turned over to the Plastic Preacherette who tells them all will be revealed in good time, and that all also includes the directions to the porta-potties.

Jason doesn’t take this news very well, mainly because he needs to go bad, so he’s kind of doing the hokey pokey, which really seems to steam the big ex-wrestler dude’s beans. He throws Jason on the ground and tells Jason to give him 30 pushups. The Lukeinator, who when you get right down to it is a six foot penis in a sweat suit starts snickering, which gets the big ex-wrestler dude even crankier, so he gives The Lukeinator 50 pushups. I guess this proves my long standing theory that big ex-wrestler dudes aren’t morning people, well long standing as in the last 30 seconds, but you have to admit all the evidence points towards me being right this time.

Tara wakes up over at Sookie’s after a night of boning like a lust crazed weasel, making the sweet, sweet love with Eggo. Judging by the look on her face, she had a pretty good birthday party. She looks at the picture Sookie gave her and she and Eggo talk about how Sookie’s grandma always made her feel safe, and how Eggo is going to make sure her life is wonderful from here on out. Wow, somebody’s morning seems to be getting off on the good foot, and the best thing is there is nothing that could go wrong to spoil it.

Back in Dallas Sookie runs into Barry the mind reading bell hop at the continental breakfast. Sookie is a little mopey about it, until she finds out it’s free, and you know what? I’m not giving her an ounce of poop for getting excited about a free continental breakfast at a hotel, because we all get excited when we’re at a hotel and hear the word free; it’s like a green light to start carbo loading like we’re going to run a marathon in the next 20 minutes.

Anyway, Sookie thinks this would be a great time to start pestering Barry again, even though Barry has pretty much made it clear he would rather have a bad case of jock itch then hang out with Sookie. We do find out that for Barry being a telepath isn’t quite the nifty experience it is for Sookie. Barry works at the vampire hotel, because it’s the only place where he’s not bombarded with everyone’s thoughts crashing into his head.

Sookie offers to teach him how to keep the thoughts out, but Barry just wants to be left alone. Sookie is a little surprised, but a free banana cheers her right up and she heads back up to hers and Bill’s room.

Sookie goes back to her room and tells Bill all about her new friend who can’t stand to be in the same room as her. Bill isn’t interested in that, what is driving him nuts is that Sookie insists on wandering the halls of a hotel by herself where some of the guests will see her as a walking Big Gulp. Sookie blows this off to talk about Barry, which gets Sam even more agitated because somebody tried to kidnap Sookie less then 12 hours ago.

Sookie gets Bill to talk about what’s bothering him and we come to find out that Bill feels pretty powerless because he doesn’t have any say so in the decisions here in Dallas. Sookie says that’s how she feels at work. Oh crap, she’s turning the conversation back to herself again, she must be sobering up. Quick Bill, run to the mini-bar and get all the vodka stat.

Over at Merlotte’s everyone’s getting ready for a busy night of pumping alcohol and cholesterol into the local population. Actually, Arlene is sitting at the bar and having a coke and Daphne isn’t, because she is the world’s worst shapeshifting waitress and didn’t get her station prep done the night before. Daphne wants Arlene to help and Arlene says she won’t because she doesn’t want to hinder Daphne development as a server. Daphne’s not buying this at all and when Terry the cook comes in she asks him to make the ice tea for her. Arlene tells Terry not to help her and Terry responds by running out of the room to hide. You know that’s the same exact way I respond to people at my job asking to me make ice tea, and when I say make ice tea, I mean do any actual work.

When Terry disappears, Sam comes into work, and he and Daphne the worlds worst shapshifting waitress start flirting like it’s an Olympic event and they are going for the gold. Arlene looks a little creeped out by it, and I don’t blame her. Hey you two, if you’re going to do that at work, go hide in the linen closet, like decent folks.

Luckily this little soap opera gets interrupted when Lafayette shows up. Everyone is happy to see him, but all Lafayette wants to do is talk with Sam. He and Sam go back into Sam’s office and Sam reads him the riot act for disappearing for two weeks without telling anyone where he went. Lafayette is just sad and quiet, because he can’t tell anyone he was being held prisoner in a vampire dungeon for selling vampire blood. All Lafayette does is ask Sam if he can have his job back, and Sam says yes because he’s one of the most interesting characters on the show, Merlotte’s wouldn’t be the same without him. When Lafayette leaves, Sam asks him what really happened, but Lafayette doesn’t say anything, because what can he say?

Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the other recruits are being molded into an elite spiritual army. Translation they are running while the big ex-wrestler dude keeps spewing boot camp gibberish at them from a golf cart. Everyone is chugging along when this one guy keels over. Jason, being the nice guy that he is, tries to help the guy up, but the guy isn’t really up for this plan, he’s decided he’d rather go home and be a bank teller, because he doesn’t wheeze as much at the bank. Jason tries to give the guy a little encouragement, but The Lukeinator uses this opportunity to tell the wheezer that he’s a big fat loser and isn’t good enough to be a vampire hunter. We’ve established that The Lukeinator is a dick, right? Good, just checking. Anyway, after making Wheezie feel even more like poop The Lukeninator starts sprinting down the trail. Jason is pretty disgusted with the Lukeinator and tells him to pace himself but runs to catch up with the rest of the group.

Remember when I said how good Tara’s morning was going and nothing could spoil it? Well I was an idiot, because when Tara goes down in the kitchen she finds Maryann fixing a whole bunch of food at the kitchen counter. Tara and Maryann have a little conversation and Tara finds out that Maryann, Eggo, and that creepy butler dude, Carl are moving in. When Tara hears this news, she decides this would be a perfect time to poop herself.

Tara does an amazing job of politely telling Maryann that this is her friend’s house so there is just no way that is happening. Maryann is all like okay, but really she’s just doing her best to lay a 500 pound guilt bomb on Tara.

Tara goes into the front room and asks Eggo if he knew about Maryann thinking she could move in, and Eggo being the proud owner of an 87 IQ responds with “we’re moving in? Cool!” Tara doesn’t think this is cool in the slightest and she and Eggo have a little talk, where Tara finds out that Maryann, Eggo and Creepy Carl move from place to place and take care of each other because that’s what families do.

Oh shitskis. Tara doesn’t know it, but she’s in big, big trouble. I mean sure, Maryann is some sort of Greek mythology type sorceress who can turn Sam into a dog, and get people all dancing and horny and eating dirt, and I’m not even going to get started on those big honking minotaur hands, because something much worse has just reared it’s ugly head. Maryann, Eggo and Creepy Carl are dirty hippies! Look at the facts they move from place to place (and I’m sure the fact that there always happens to be a Phish concert nearby is just a coincidence). They “help each other out”, and “take care of each other”, and most damning of all, they came over for a party, crashed on the couch, and the next thing Tara knew she had three new roommates. That’s textbook dirty hippy behavior. This is bad, bad, bad.

Eggo gives Tara a hard time and tells her she doesn’t know what a real family is like because growing up her mom was a glug, glug, glug, [waffleboy makes the hand sign for drinky drinky]. This is kind of a cheap shot and it gets Tara second guessing herself because her family life was pretty messed up. Oh be strong Tara Mae! If you don’t, in two days the whole house will reek of Patchouli oil and there’ll be a drum circle going in the backyard.

Back at Camp HateAVampire, all of our little solders of god are at this chain link fence they have to climb for God. Hey, don’t look at me, that’s what the big ex-wrestler dude is saying, take it up with him. It’s the Lukeinator’s turn to climb it, but he’s pretty winded, because being a gaping a-hole is almost as aerobically challenging as soccer. Anyway Luke can’t get over the fence even when the big ex-wrestler dude tells him his whole family is being eaten by vampires on the other side of the fence.

Jason is enjoying watching The Lukeninator suck it, but when the big ex-wrestler dude asks what should they do with The Lukeinator now that he’s a big crybaby loser; Jason climbs to the top of the fence and helps the douche make it over. Yay Jason! You know he may read on a fifth grade level, and have a perpetual stiffy, but he’s good people. This move super impresses the big ex-wrestler dude and the Plastic Preacherette. You know I hate to say it, but Jason is really, really good at being a cultist. I think he may have found his niche.

Over in Dallas Bill, Eric and Sookie meet with the Dallas vampires. There is a great big cowboy looking guy named Stan and this spicy Latin chick in tight clothes named Isabel. Cowboy Stan doesn’t know why they brought Sookie, because everybody knows Jason’s bible camp buddies got to this Godric character and they should just go eat them. I’d point out what a dumb idea this is, but Vampire Isabel beats me to it. Bill points out they don’t have a plan and Sookie gets a little snippy and everyone is kind of arguing which really ticks off Eric who calls everyone a bunch of clowns. Hey Eric, I don’t suck blood, and you don’t insult the actors. That’s my job. Keep it on your side of the street tall brooding and handsome.

Back at Casa de Plastic Preachers it turns out the Plastic Preachers marriage isn’t hitting on all cylinders. The Plastic Preacherette is complaining that Reverend Steve-o doesn’t treat her as an equal partner, and the big ex-wrestler dude knows more about what is going on then she does. Reverend Steve-o is all like whatevers Barbie and thanks the big ex-wrestler dude for bringing him a folder.

Just then Jason wanders into the room and the Plastic Preacherette gets all lovey dovey. The PP tells Reverend Steve-o just how wonderful Jason was today at jumping jacks, running from golf carts and getting dicks over chain link fences. Reverend Steve-o is pretty impressed and promotes Jason to the next level, which means he gets to go downstairs with Reverend Steve-o, and The Plastic Preacherette can’t come, because no cootie carriers are allowed.

The Reverend Steve-o takes Jason down to this room that is full of gay porn, guns, guns, guns. It turns out Jason’s bible camp is stocking up on guns to go to war with vampires. They’ve got the aforementioned guns, guns, guns, flame throwers, bazookas, and even silver throwing stars. Jason thinks it’s way cool, and I can’t blame him. I mean who wouldn’t want to go to bible camp if they had silver throwing stars?

It’s night time over at Merlotte’s and Maryann and Creepy Carl pull up into the parking lot in a zippy little convertible. Maryann tells Carl not to turn the engine off because they won’t be going inside. She just looks at the bar and then closes her eyes.

Inside Merlotte’s it becomes pretty obvious, pretty fast that this is not the happiest place on Earth tonight. Well actually Tijuana is the happiest place on Earth every night, but this place isn’t even in the top ten. The patrons are snapping at Arlene, Sam’s snapping at Arlene, Terry is snapping at Sam, and everyone including Lafayette is snapping at Tara. Tara responds to this by telling everyone to F off, which let’s face it, is only acceptable on the job behavior if you work at a preschool.

Back out in the car Maryann opens her eyes, smiles her evil little Tara’s-back-is-turned smile and tells Creepy Carl to take her home. Wow, the camera didn’t get super jittery or anything. She’s really good at this hoodoo stuff. Or maybe Tara was just stinking the house out as a bartender that night; I say we give Maryann the benefit of the doubt, because after all she’s the one with the big honking minotaur hands.

Back at the Casa de Plastic Preachers Jason is taking a well deserved soak in the tub after a hard day of fence climbing and gun fondling. He’s pretty relaxed which is why he’s totally surprised when the Plastic Preacherette shows up saying she wants to help Jason.

The Plastic Preacherette loofahs Jason for a little bit, tells him Mary Magdalene wasn’t a hooker, just a way above average feet washer, and then she grabs his doodle. Jason says this is a real bad idea, because she’s married, but the Plastic Preacherette says it’s totally okay because God told her to give Jason a squeezer, and Jason ends up going along with this logic, because if you can’t follow God’s will at vampire fighting solider of God bible camp, and get and your baloney bopped out of the deal where can you?

We cut back to Dallas and the big vampire meeting. Cowboy Vampire Stan is still being an idiot, Eric is still really pissed for undisclosed reasons, and everyone is snapping at everyone else. Sookie cuts everyone off and says she’ll just go over to the Fellowship of the Sun and read everybody’s mind and figure out once and for all if they snatched Godric. Cowboy Vampire Stan thinks this is stupid and stomps off. Bill doesn’t like it because she’ll be going over in the day time and he won’t be able to protect her, but Eric and the spicy Latin vampire like it, so it looks like we’ve got ourselves a plan. Bill gets a little pissy and asks to talk to Eric in private.

Bill corners Eric and tells him Eric knew Sookie was going to have to have to do this all along, and to tell Bill just why Godric is so important to him. Eric gets real pensive, looks off into the distance, and you all know what that means, FLASHBACK!

We go back to the olden days and Eric is a Viking, well actually Eric is a mess. These other Viking dudes are dragging Eric along because he’s got a big red spot on his stomach which I’m guessing is covering a hole. They take a break from dragging Eric through a ditch and everyone jibber jabbers for awhile, but none of these jokers speaks American. Luckily, the good folks at HBO have someone on the payroll who speaks Viking so we get sub-titles.

Eric just wants his buddies to leave him behind so he can drop dead in peace, but they have other ideas. Their plan is they will keep dragging Eric until he drops dead, then they will set his body on fire and have a big party. Wait these are his friends? Anyway, that seems to be the plan and they get back to dragging Eric through a ditch.

Later that night Eric’s Viking buddies have made camp and one of them is telling Eric not to be scared because everything is going to be okay; well not for Eric because he’s got a hole in his torso big enough to fit a bread maker in, but everyone else is doing great. Cue somebody hearing a noise, and then Eric’s two Viking buddies getting killed with big red blood sprays by a vampire running super duper fast. The vampire turns out to be Godric, who is a teenaged boy and looks really familiar.

Godric makes a pitch to Eric. Come with me and be my vampire sidekick, and I’ll teach you everything I know, and we’ll be one happy little vampire family. When Eric wants to know what’s in it for him, Godric tells him “life.” Well you know life that doesn’t require a pulse or a tan. Eric signs on and Godric gives him a super vampire hickey.

Annnnnd, the flashback is over. Eric admits to Bill that Godric is his maker, and Bill gets a strange look on his face. Help me out here, can vampires poop themselves?

Over at Merlotte’s after a long night of making Tara miserable, Sam and Daphne are closing up. Well not really. They flirt up a storm and Daphne grabs Sam’s doodle, and then they do it on the pool table, which by the way is really bad for the felt according to the Billiard Congress of America.

Then we get a quick little scene where Sookie stops by the front desk to see if Barry the mind reading bell hop is working and the girl tells Sookie that Barry quit. Sookie gets a funny look on her face, because she won’t be able to annoy the poop out Barry any more, make a new friend.

Tara gets home and Maryann is sitting at the kitchen table in a grandma dress reading a book. She tells Tara they weren’t able to find a place to stay that day, but they will be out tomorrow, and oh she made Tara dinner and filled the fridge with all her favorite foods. Tara responds to this news by abandoning common sense and telling Maryann she can stay, and Tara will explain to Sookie when she gets back how her house turned into a commune. She and Maryann have a little Hallmark moment and then Tara goes upstairs to snuggle with Eggo. Oh Tara, you screwed the pooch on this one. By this time next week you’re going to be living on a steady diet of tofu, and find out that you now own a pet ferret.

Back in Dallas Sookie and Bill are in bed together, yay! But it looks like it’s time for another talk, awwww! Bill thinks Sookie’s plan is a bad idea, and that they should just go back to Bon Ton, where everything is great. That’s easy for you to say Bill; your new roommate didn’t just start an ashram in your house while you were out of town.

Sookie doesn’t want to hear about this because she’s going to go ahead with her plan, because she’s a big fat nitwit. Look I’m sorry but she’s been acting like a thrill seeking lemming all episode and I know it advances the plot, and we’ll get some cool episodes out of it later on, but tonight she made Jason look like the smart Stackhouse, and that takes some work.

Anyway, Sookie doesn’t want to talk anymore, (Yay!) so she and Bill start to make out, because what is the worst thing that could happen now.

We cut to some slinky vampire chick walking down the hall, who if you were paying attention to the “previously on True Blood” at the beginning of the episode will recognize as Bill’s maker. She stops walking and her fangs pop out. The End.

Wow, what a great episode. This one just flew by. When the ending credits came up I was looking at the clock because it felt like we still had a half hour to go. All the plot lines are moving along nicely and there isn’t one that I’m not interested in finding out what is going to happen. I can’t wait for the next episode to see what happens next. Well, see ya’ll next week.