Wow, what a week on True Blood. The episode starts with a bomb going off. Jess thinks about eating Hoyt’s mom. Eric cries like a little girl, Godric bursts into CGI flames, and Lafayette opens up the whoop ass can. So make the jump and let’s get to the good stuff.
The new face of Fierce
Yeah, you’re done, buh bye
Our episode starts, well about two minutes before last week’s ended. Luke is telling Jason to go away, and Bill is telling Lorena the same thing. Bill tells Lorena she is dead to him, but seeing as she doesn’t have a pulse, she is sort of dead to everybody.
Anyway, Old Bloody Eyes finally takes the hint and super duper fast vampire runs off into the moonset. This finishes up right as Luke hits the button on the bomb strapped to his chest and the house goes hooie kablooie.
Bill zips into the house and we find out that Eric shielded Sookie’s body with his so she is stunned but okay. Eric tells Bill to catch the two doofuses who came with Luke, but who somehow didn’t end up going all explodo with him. This is actually a cool scene as these two jugheads haul ass to their car and just when it looks like they are going to get away Bill pulls one of the doofuses out through the car window and chomps down on him for blowing up Godric’s house.
There are people wandering around inside the house trying to figure out what just happened. Hello, an abstinent wingnut just blew himself up. We do find out that Jason is okay, and Sookie is no longer stunned so she pushes Eric off of her.
Eric is a little mopey and not his usual happy go lucky self. Wait it’s Eric, happy go lucky isn’t really his thing; what I mean is he’s just kind of flopping around on the floor. Sookie asks what the problem is and he tells her he’s dying. Sookie then asks why he doesn’t just use his super duper vampire healing to make himself all better and Eric tells her the silver in the bomb is lodged in his body and he can’t heal. He tells Sookie he needs her to suck the silver out of his body or he’ll die. Sookie treats this news like she just got asked to, well suck silver out of Eric, but she does it, because
he’s tall, blond and super hot, he just saved her life and she’s a good person.
Bill doesn’t eat the wingnut because he wants him to tell the other wingnuts that a vampire showed mercy when they didn’t. The wingnut takes off like a bat out of H=E-Double-Hockey-Sticks to send this important message, but I’m wondering if maybe a good brisk run is what this guy really needs right now, considering he seems to be bleeding from his neck like a stuck pig. Well I guess we can cross personal trainer off of Bill’s best suited for job list.
After not finishing his food, even though vampires are starving in Africa, Bill comes into the house to see the one thing every guy wants to see right after a suicide bomber has struck, his girlfriend sucking bits of hot metal out of another guy’s chest. Sookie explains she is saving Eric’s life. Is that what the kids are calling it now? Bill gets a look on his face like somebody put a True Blood empty in the trash can for paper, and has to explain to Sookie that Eric just fed her a load of rich creamery butter.
Yeah it turns our Eric wasn’t going to die, he just wanted Sookie to drink his blood, so he could always know where she is at and what her emotions are. Hmmmm, that’s a little stalky. Sookie is mortified that Eric acted like such a conniving underhanded butt-hole. Have I mentioned lately how much I like Eric?
Godric finds out from spicy Latin vampire Isabel that big cowboy vampire Stan went to that last roundup in the sky. Godric shows less emotion then I do when somebody eats the last bran muffin at work (honestly, who eats a food whose best feature is how quickly it exits your gastrointestinal tract?), and tells everyone to head over to the hotel for the night. Everyone bails because when a religious extremist wingnut blows himself up, you just have to admit the house party is over.
Over at Hotel Blood Sucker Sookie is still kicking herself for hoovering metal out of Eric’s torso. Bill tells Sookie not to feel bad, Eric is a thousand years old, and so he has being a sneaky so-and-so down to an art. He also knows how to play canasta and quietly misses Paul Harvey, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the conversation.
Sookie has a full blown case of the heebie jeebies knowing that Eric is going to be able to keep permanent tabs on her and know how she is feeling at all times. This cause Bill to make a, “oh I just crapped my drawers” face and have to explain the real downside to this whole thing is that now that she’s had a little of the E-man’s blood, Sookie is going to be attracted to him, sexually. Sookie can’t believe this, because Eric is a total cootie carrier as far as she is concerned, but Bill harshes her mellow by explaining that sometime screenwriters need plot hooks, and making the female lead get all hot and bothered by the bad boy on the show against her will is a dozy. Errrr, that is to say, he tells her it’s another effect of vampire blood on humans.
Back in Bon Temps, Jess has calmed down after finding out she owns a permanent hymen. She and Hoyt talk about maybe Jess getting surgery or having sex “other ways,” and how it just doesn’t matter because they are just so in love. Awwwww! It’s such a sweet romantic scene that Hoyt tells Jess he wants her to meet his momma. Oh boy. Hoyt went one toke over the line with that one and knows it as soon as the words are out of his mouth.
Just to get everyone up to speed Momma Hoyt is a big fat, insert-your-own-favorite-profanity-here, they all work just fine. (Fun fact, mine begins with the letter C.) Hoyt immediately warns Jess that Momma Hoyt hates vampires and is a raging insert-your-own-favorite-profanity-here-zilla, but Jess doesn’t care because she’s just excited that Hoyt wants to introduce her to his family just like a real girlfriend. Oh yeah, there is no way this can end badly, right?
The next morning over at
Tara’s commune, Sookie’s house Tara and Eggo are having breakfast and look like poop after a night of cannibalism, smacking each other around, and getting freaky freaky on Sookie’s carpet runner. Maryann teases them about getting loopy the night before. Tara and Eggo point out that as far they know, they got high on life last night, which makes the black-outs they had kind of on the unexplainable side. Tara is actually a little disgusted with herself, because her momma is a champion blackouter and Tara feels she should know better then to lose control like that.
Well Maryann doesn’t take this bit lying down, and proceeds to go off on a mini rant about how in being control is way overrated because when people black out they are actually getting closer to God. Hmmm, no offense Maryann, but if having hot nasty sex and getting loaded were getting closer to God, church attendance would not be down. Tara shoots Eggo a look that says “is she pooping us?” but nobody says no when Maryann pulls out the pitcher of Bloody Marys.
The Breakfast of former champions
Down at the county jail everyone is a little agitated. All the people that Sheriff Bud and Kenya locked up the night before want to be turned loose. Once again, at least in my opinion, Coroner Mike gets the best line when he points out he can’t even remember sodomizing a pine tree, so it’s his word against Bud’s. Granted only an emotional 12-year-old would giggle uncontrollably when ever writers are able to work the words sodomize, and pine tree into the same sentence, but what can I say? This particular waffle boy is young at heart.
Sam starts saying he should be released too because Bud doesn’t have any evidence. Well you know except for the corpse of the waitress he was banging in his walk-in. Bud wisely ignores everybody and heads out to do something sheriffy.
Back in Dallas, Sookie can’t sleep, but Bill can’t talk because it’s daytime and if he wakes up he’ll start bleeding out of his ears again, so Sookie starts wandering the halls. Not really, she just goes down to Jason’s room so the Stackhouses can hang out and catch up with each other. Actually it’s a great chance Sookie to mention her headless meemaw and how she and Jason are family and need to stick together now. Jason’s on board with this and gets in a little moaning about how nobody in Bon Temps had any use for him aside from his “sexabilities”, which is why he ended up with the wingnuts.
Is Big Brother on? I’m in the mood to watch some freaks
Yeah it was a really thrilling three minutes of screen time, but at the end everyone is happy and they do what all happy families do, stop talking to each other and watch TV. Hey, Steve and Sarah are on TV! They are yammering back at the vampire spokeslady who is rightly steamed that the Lukeinator went Ka-Boom! over at Godric’s. The Plastic Preacherette starts chattering about how they are fighting for daylight, Christmas and Easter Eggs when Stevie interrupts her. This brings some of the chinks in their marriage out for everyone to see, especially when the PP says she hates Stevie’s hair. Oh by the way, this scene gets bonus points for Steve still having a bright red dot right between his beady little eyes from where Jason shot him with a paintball.
Dear Stevie, Conan O’Brien called and he wants his hairstyle back, love waffleboy
Over at Merlotte’s the poop has hit the fan. Well mainly because Sam is in jail, Sookie is in Dallas, and Daphne is dead. Okay with Daphne the difference is hard to see in the waitressing department, but what it means is poor Arlene is stuck running the front of the house all by herself, and the place is packed. She’s dealing with ghoulish customers, whiny guys who want forks, and fielding phone calls from her kids. Lafayette comes out of the kitchen for more tequila and pours her a mercy shot while he’s there. (Just curious, what do you guys think the Patron budget is at Merlotte’s? I’m putting it right up there with the gross national product of Fiji.)
Arlene sees that Terry the cook is working and goes over to talk about the other night that she can’t remember, but is pretty sure she rode him like a ride at the county fair. Terry as Arlene so wonderfully puts it, is acting “more particular then usual,” which makes her start to cry. This gets Terry flustered and he confesses he can’t remember anything about the other night. This makes Arlene happy because she can’t remember anything either. Okay, not really, but she is happy that Terry isn’t mad at her. They almost get to kiss, but somebody starts squawking for their corn and Arlene has to get back to waitressing, but it’s a pretty sweet way to end the scene. They are sort of the trailer park version of Jess and Hoyt. Awwwww.
The face of someone who may or may not have gotten lucky two days before
This little bit of happiness comes to a screaming halt when Tara comes waltzing into work. Tara is making some half-hearted excuse for being late, but Lafayette doesn’t care about that. What he does care about is how Tara’s face looks like she just went 15 rounds with Chris Brown. This is where we officially find out that even though Lafayette wears earrings and false eyelashes, if you put your hands on a woman in his family, you will be dealing with a very, very, VERY angry black man.
Lafayette tears into Tara for getting smacked around and acting like it’s no big deal, and pretty much tells Eggo he’s going to tear him a new pooper if he ever lays a hand on his cousin again. Eggo tells Lafayette he doesn’t hurt women, but ends up smacking Tara when he goes to slap Lafayette. What a douche, have I mentioned lately he plays the acoustic guitar at parties?
Tara ends up keeping Lafayette and Eggo from getting into it in the bar and pulls Eggo outside. Once they are gone Lafayette notices that everyone in the bar is hooting and hollering for blood. Now this perfectly acceptable behavior at a waffleboy family function, but it’s a little strange for Bon Temps. Lafayette just swears at everyone and heads back to his IV of tequila.
We cut to Hoyt’s house where his mom is making him a grilled cheese sandwich with potato chips in the middle. She’s also laying into him for going to Dallas and being with Jess and pretty much spewing guilt like the Exxon Valdez. The only thing is Hoyt isn’t buying any of it. As a matter of fact he takes the offensive and asks his mom why she’s so hateful. Momma Hoyt promptly denies this which leads to a great exchange which we will list below.
Who Hoyt Accuses his Momma of hating__________________Her Response
Methodists________________________________________I have my reasons
Catholics_________________________________________ Just priests…and nuns
Women who wear red shoes__________________________It just looks cheap
African Americans__________________________________ Shhhs! That’s a secret
If hating was an Olympic Sport, this woman would be on HGH
Hoyt tells his momma he doesn’t want to hear any more about it and they are going out to dinner with Jess and if Momma Hoyt can’t behave, then Hoyt is leaving and he’s never coming back. Wow, you go Hoyt. It looks like a little sex with an under aged vampire is just what this guy needed.
Back at the hotel, Sookie is in bed with Bill. Good old reliable Bill. Sookie rolls over in her sweats, and then when she rolls back, sweet hoochie mamma! Sookie is flat out cable neeked, which is no big deal for her, but she’s in bed with an equally cable neeked Eric, and like I said, sweet hoochie mamma! They are having a conversation about whether Sookie should become a vampire. Eric is all for it, but Sookie likes having a tan. Eventually this stimulating conversation comes to a close so they can start with the serious making out.
This episode’s gratuitous eye candy shot
Then because it’s a dream sequence old bloody eyes Lorena is sitting in a chair telling Sookie that she doesn’t really love Bill. Sookie breaks her lip lock on Eric long enough to tell Lorena she loves Bill, but goes right back to the tonsil hockey with bad boy Eric.
And wakes up in bed with Bill, yep, good old recycling, synthetic blood drinking, Wii playing Bill. Yep, there’s just tons of excitement going on in this room.
Over in Bon Temps, Maryann shows up at the jail. Everyone is really happy to see her, but mainly she is there to talk with Sheriff Bud. Maryann is shocked to hear that Sam is being held for Daphne’s murder, which makes sense seeing as she gave Eggo those poopeyes and then had him stab her and yank her heart out. Wait; was the word “sense” in that sentence? Doesn’t really go there, huh?
Anyway, Maryann wants Bud to let her go back and talk to Sam. Bud is saying he can’t do that because it’s against the rules, so Maryann rubs on his head a little bit and gives him his own set of poopeyes.
A textbook case of poopeyes
Maryann heads back into the jail where Sam’s cell is at and it doesn’t look very good for America’s favorite bar owner who can turn into a poodle, but when she gets back, Sam’s gone and all his clothes are lying on the floor.
It turns out there was a fly in Sam’s room, so he shape shifted into a fly and flew out the air duct. You know back when he was only turning into Lassie, that shapeshifting thing looked pretty dumb, but the more Sam does it, the more handy it looks.
Well Maryann is pretty ticked that Sam has given her the slip for what looks like the 200th time in a row. She then lets all the pine tree humpers and pantless yahoos out of there cells.
Over at Merlotte’s Hoyt, Jess, and Momma Hoyt are sitting down to dinner and it is going about as good as you’d expect it would. Jess is trying to get on Momma Hoyt’s good side, which you wouldn’t think would be that hard because she is roughly the same size as a sumo wrestler, but once Jess mentions wearing red shoes, there is no good side to be found. On a positive note, Jess had the good sense not to mention she is also an African American Methodist thinking of becoming a nun.
Still the damage is done, and Momma Hoyt tells Jess she’s not the undead freak of the night for her baby boy and this is right where Jess’s fangs pop out. The awesome part here is the “awww man, I knew this was going to happen” look that Hoyt gets on his face.
Okay, this is why we don’t go to nice places
Jess tells Momma Hoyt she can give Hoyt anything a human girl could. Momma Hoyt is like no you can’t and drops the B word in the conversation, as in Jess can’t have babies.
Oh crap, break out the Kleenex, she’s going to be leaking B+ all over the place
Jess responds to this the same way any woman, with or without a pulse responds to not being able to pop out a rug rat; she starts bawling and runs away. Hoyt is right behind her, only stopping to pay the tab, and to tell Momma Hoyt he’s never ever coming home.
Momma Hoyt starts sucking down brewskis and tells Arlene to keep them coming. So, anyone else think Momma Hoyt may be a happy drunk? Yeah, me neither.
Over at Sookie’s, Tara’s, Maryann’s Tara, Eggo, and Maryann are getting silly and doing tequila shooters, because they are all out of crappy waitress heart. Hey Lafayette and Tara’s mom stopped by. They can’t stay long, they just stopped by so Lafayette could make a spot on character assessment, translation call Maryann an evil bitch and take Tara home with them.
The only problem is Tara is pretty liquored up and doesn’t want to leave, and that’s before she shows off her poopeyes. She starts smacking her mom around, and when Eggo gets his poopeyes he decides to take a crack at poor little Lafayette.
Wait, did I say poor little Lafayette? Bad description on my part, because everybody’s favorite lipstick, false eyelash wearing, web cam go-go dancer/fry cook proceeds to kick Eggo’s amazingly sculpted ass back and forth across the living room until his leg gets tired. Have we mentioned lately just how much Lafayette rocks?
And that’s for the crack about my eyelashes bitch
Lafayette then scoops Tara up over his shoulder and he and Tara’s mom pile in the family car and take off for home. Eggo starts to follow, but Maryann pulls him back and tells him not to worry because Tara will come back and she’ll bring Lafayette and Tara’s mom with her. Man, it always sucks when the evil handmaiden of a Greek god’s master plan actually makes sense.
Back in Dallas, the vampire lady who is always on TV has stopped by to get the low down on just what happened with Godric getting taken prisoner, big cowboy vampire Stan eating Reverend Steve-o’s parents, and the Lukeinator getting seriously hooie kablooie at Godric’s house. Eric is really pissed because she’s being a complete bitch about it, and talking to Godric like he’s a complete idiot. Then again, Godric takes the blame for everything that has gone wrong in Dallas. He didn’t pay attention to big cowboy vampire Stan, and he admits he let the wingnuts take him prisoner, which does make him look like the sharpest fang in the mouth. The vampire TV lady tells him he’s fired and he apologizes for everything which agitates Eric to no end.
Yeah, she’s not very nice. Huge shocker, huh?
Over at Merlotte’s Maryann stops by just to say hi. Well, and to give everybody in the restaurant poopeyes and to tell them they need to find Sam pronto. Man, when she’s not at an orgy she is actually a pretty crabby handmaiden.
Still that is a good question, just where is Sam? Getting the hell out of town? Stuck in a spider web? No? Did you guess he’d show up at Andy’s motel room naked? Yeah, well me neither. Oh and I didn’t see Andy just letting him come in without at least commenting on Sam’s sudden interest in a clothing optional lifestyle. Well, I guess that’s why the screenwriter makes the big bucks, and I don’t.
Andy, just so you know, this is a perfectly acceptable time for one friend to ask another friend just where the hell his pants are at
We cut right back to Dallas where the big meeting is breaking up. Bill wants to talk to Eric about him getting Sookie to suck his blood. Eric isn’t in the mood because he’s still worked up about Godric. This is fine with Bill because he doesn’t really want to talk to Eric, what he wants to do is punch him in the mouth. After he catches Eric with a sweet left cross, Eric does pretty much the worst thing you can do to another guy who hits you with his best shot. He completely blows the whole thing off.
Eric tells Bill, Sookie drank his blood and there is nothing Bill can do about it and just walks away. Life gets even crappier for Bill, because Sookie announces that she is going upstairs to be with Godric. Bill thinks Sookie is doing it because she just wants to help everyone. I think it has more to do with the fact Sookie has a pathological need to stick her cute button nose in other people’s poop whether it belongs there or not. Either way, Sookie going upstairs is good for the plot, so yay!
Up on the roof Godric lets the cat out of the bag that he’s decided he wants to die, because he feels vampires don’t belong in the world. Eric isn’t handling this very well. When Godric signed him up for team Vampire he told Eric he would be his father, brother, son and Eric is acting like someone whose father, brother and son are all about to die. Well except he’s crying blood instead of tears. Godric gets him to accept the fact he’s going to die, and Eric has to go downstairs because the sun is coming up.
Sookie tells Eric not to worry because she’ll stay with Godric until the end. She and Godric have a nice conversation about God, and when the sun comes up Godric bursts into CGI flames and then disappears. The End.
Everybody’s feeling hot, hot, HOT!
Alexander SkarsgÃ¥rd, the guy who plays Eric really brought it in that last scene. I really liked him in Generation Kill last year on HBO, and he’s been one of the best things about this show ever since he’s showed up at Fangtasia.
For everyone who has been wanting for Eric and Sookie to get together, I just want to point out that once you get past them both being naked in that scene tonight, their conversation boiled down to I wuv you, no I wuv you. All I’m going to say is at least as far as TV is concerned falling in love is more interesting then being in love. I hope they don’t become a couple for a good long while.
It looks like everyone is coming home from Dallas this week. Sookie has Maryann, a batshit crazy maenad at her house, and considering that he is longer living in his momma’s basement, Hoyt is probably over at Bill’s. Who do you think is going to have the bigger “oh crap” face when they get home?
“Cody would eat cat food if you put mayo on it. Momma’s gotta work!” I loved that line and actually like that whenever Arlene’s kids enter the picture I get a good laugh.
Anyway, another great show, and I can’t wait for the next one. See ya’ll real soon.