TRUE BLOOD: Time To Make The Yahtzee

Hey Gasmi, well this is it, the season finale of True Blood. We’re coming down to the wire and we could spend a lot of time going over whether Maryann can be stopped from doing, well what ever the hell she’s doing, whether Jason and Andy are America’s new cutest couple, whether Jess and Hoyt can get past her trying to eat his momma, and whether Hoyt is maybe thinking of giving Jess another chance to do the chug a lug on said momma. Oh and whether it’s appropriate for a post-post-post-post-post menopausal woman to wear white to her wedding to a big pile meat. So come guys. We’ve come this far let’s make the jump and get to the good stuff.

Our episode starts right where the last one left off. Sookie is losing her poop after seeing Lafayette has come down with a major case of the poopeye. Actually we see Sookie doing the aforementioned poop losing through Lafayette’s poop eyes. It’s all kind of wavy and blurry the way the Playboy channel used to look when it was scrambled on cable back in the olden days. What’s that? Why yes I’ve got astigmatism, just what are driving at?

Meanwhile Tara and Eggo are doing all sorts of freaky stuff with the egg. Yeah, you remember that big assed egg from last week? Well it’s still around, and it’s still weird. Lafayette tells Tara and Eggo they need the egg downstairs and they exit stage left.

Sookie decides this would be a great time to get Lafayette de-poopeyed. The only problem is Sookie’s super powers have slid back into the pretty much completely useless mode and Lafayette’s Coraline eyes stay firmly in place.

Not only that but Lafayette tells Sookie to strip which is kind of creepy. Sookie peels down to her bra and panties and Lafayette pulls out this thing that looks like a slip and tells Sook to put it on. Hey, it’s a makeover! Oh if only Lafayette had gotten poopeyed during Episode 3 a lot of questionable fashion choices could have been avoided. After Lafayette gets Sookie into her kicky new outfit he drags her downstairs.

When Sookie gets down into her living room she finds Maryann in Sookie’s meemaw’s wedding dress and then the poopeye hits the fan. As we all know by know Sookie doesn’t like anyone screwing around with her meemaw’s stuff unless Sookie has given it to them instead of going down to Target and springing for a real birthday present. It doesn’t help that Maryann drops the “well it’s not like you were ever going to wear it” into the conversation. Oh burn!

Sookie is super pissed and wants to know why Maryann has taken her. Well Sookie I hate to break it to you, but the reason you are Maryann’s prisoner is because you came to her house. If you’ve got a problem with this situation, I’d take it up with Alan Ball, the guy who wrote last week’s script.

Besides, Maryann tells Sookie she hasn’t been taken, she’s just borrowed. It’s all part of the something new, something old, something borrowed, something blue theme of Maryann’s wedding. In an awesome bit Arlene asks which one she is, and Maryann just smiles sweetly at her not saying a word.

Sookie pulls her standard bit when taken prisoner by the bad guys. She starts acting like a complete bitch and gets a look on her face like someone smeared poop on her upper lip. Maryann has the rest of her bridesmaids leave so she and Sookie can have a little heart to heart.

When everyone clears out Maryann tells Sookie to hit her with her best shot. Maryann is looking for Sookie to lay a little of the flashlight hands on her. The only problem is Sookie can’t do it. Performance anxiety? Don’t worry about Sookie, it happens to everyone. Well not to me. Often. Lately. Hey who wants to talk TV?

Maryann asks Sookie what she is, because it’s obvious she isn’t human. Wow, that’s a little cold. Sure everyone who has ever eaten with an actor has thought to themselves there is no way these jokers are on the same page evolutionwise as the rest of us, but you don’t say it right to their faces. Not cool Maryann, not cool at all. Sookie makes a crack about saying she’s a waitress, but seeing as she has worked a whopping shift and a half this season, I think she’s kind of pushing it.

Over at the Fortenberry’s Momma Hoyt is doing the twist in the kitchen and I could have gone my whole life without seeing that. She sees that the sandman has paid a visit to Hoyt and decides to hot foot it over to the wedding of the season. Too bad for Momma Hoyt, Hoyt has rigged a tripwire that is tied to his arm, so he is able to nip this little notso great escape in the bud.

This leads Momma Hoyt to pitching yet another fit about Hoyt is seriously cramping her style in basking in the glow of a god department. Hoyt tells her he loves her and is going to forget all about all the stuff she has been saying about Jess, Hoyt, and Hoyt’s daddy blowing his brains out over his love of dancing. Momma Hoyt conks him with something and makes another break for it. She gets about three steps and Hoyt grabs her and pulls her back. Man, these guys are just like the Cosbys. You know, but without the sweaters, and the triple digit IQ’s.

We go back to Maryann’s and she and Sookie are still talking. Yes still. There are mounds and mounds of exposition in this week’s script and it’s not going to get crammed down our throats all by itself you know.

Maryann is going on and on about how perfect and godlike her husband is going to be. Okay Maryann you nabbed yourself a doctor, good for you, but nobody likes a gloater. Sookie is kind of confused and thinks Maryann is marrying Sam. Maryann then explains that Sam isn’t the groom; he’s the perfect wedding present. That’s funny; my sister told me the perfect wedding present is cash, china pattern settings.

Anyway, Maryann tells Sookie that once Sam finds out Maryann has her he’ll come running, so there. Then Maryann plops a fairly hideous wreath on Sookie’s head, because what’s the good of getting married if you can’t make your bridesmaids look like fashion disaster areas?

Over at the Queen’s house, Eric is playing Yahtzee with Not-the-Dita (a big thank you to Snootchy Bootches for the nickname suggestion) Sookie’s cousin, and the European guy whose blood supposedly tastes real good, and it becomes pretty obvious pretty fast that Eric sucks the big green weenie at Yathzee. He and not the Dita start making chitchat and they get on the subject of Sookie being not human and Not-the-Dita tells Eric she doesn’t want him falling in love with Sookie. Eric tells Not-the-Dita he doesn’t fall in love with humans and looks as shifty and guilty as I would if my boss asked me if I steal the postits out of the supply closet at work. (I’m going to build a 3200 square foot vacation home out of them when I get enough together.) That is if I were stealing postits, because I’m not, because that would be wrong.

Anyway, Not-the-Dita then asks Eric how Bill knows they are selling vampire blood. Oh Snapple, now that’s a plot twist I didn’t see coming. Eric starts telling her how it’s not a problem and blah, blah, blah, but Not-the-Dita cuts straight to the chase and pins Eric to the floor. She tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her kingdom she can “wear his fangs as earrings if she wants to.” Eric tells her not to worry he will take care of Bill personally, and then they make out. They get pretty worked up, but Euro-pudding-pop tells Eric “it is your turn to make the Yahtzee.” So he and Not-the-Dita get back to the game and we find out that even vampires can get blue balls. Eric gives the bones another roll and annnnnnd yep, he still sucks.

Back in Bon Temps Jason and Andy have finished loading up on Snickers bars grabbed their guns and are all set to start making with the covert whoopass on the dirty hippies on Sookie’s front lawn. Andy asks one more time if Jason is sure that this is a good idea and Jason gives him a positively kickass pep talk about this situation calling for a man of action, “and that man is us.” Jason Stackhouse, in the next presidential election I am so putting your name on the 20 ballots I fill out. What’s that? You say you only vote once? Kind of lazy, aren’t you?

Jason gets Andy back on board with Team Does Not Test Well and they walk straight into all the aforementioned dirty hippies. If you think this is a dumb plan, might I remind you it is the same one Tara and Sookie used. Three times is a charm, right?

Uh no. Jason and Andy promptly get separated and when Jason sees Andy, Andy is sporting a world class case of poopeyes. Andy gives Jason a good punch in the mouth, and my favorite guys are twins again.

Over Sam’s he and Bill are having a talk. Bill wants Sam to come with him and Sam doesn’t think he likes this idea. Bill tells Sam he doesn’t really have a choice and I’ll mention yet again, when they let Bill be a bad ass he gets a lot more tolerable, interesting.

Over at Maryann’s they are all pouring blood on the big egg and licking it off, which is weird and creepy, but to be honest isn’t anymore dumb then any of the other games I’ve seen at wedding showers when I’ve gotten sucked into attending them. Just then Andy and Jason burst in to let Maryann know her vessel has arrived. Okay we can get on with the wedding, finally.

I hate to break to some of you out there, but this is no more stupid then making a wedding dress out of 3 rolls of toilet paper and 5 paper clips

Sookie doesn’t want to have anything to do with it because it’s evil. Maryann threatens to kill Jason, which finally gets Sookie to start taking her maid of honor responsibilities seriously. Jason pulls Sookie outside, and away we go.

When they get outside we find out Bill has brought Sam to the wedding, how progressive. Well it turns out Bill wants to trade Sam for Sookie, even with that wreath she is wearing. Sookie doesn’t like this and gets all squirmy talking about how they have to save Sam. Bill tells Sookie to trust him, but that doesn’t cut down on the wiggling.

The actual ceremony starts when Lafayette puts that bull mask on top of the big pile of meat and says, “The God with Horns. Worship him bitches!” Hmmmm, must be a Unitarian ceremony.

Maryann rattles on for a while, God with Horns, blah, blah, blah, and then the ceremony picks up speed when Eggo stabs Sam and Maryann starts rubbing his blood all over her. Bill lets go of Sookie and she runs over to tell Sam she’s sorry Eggo is getting all stabby stabby on him. Sam tells Sookie she can still stop the ceremony. Sookie runs over and smashes that big ostrich egg, and when her flashlight hands kick in, she pushes over the big meat statue. Oh Nellie, the poopeye really hits the fan when this happens.

Maryann completely loses her poop and starts yammering how if she kills everyone at the wedding she can make up for losing the meat statue. Somebody needs to get a film crew from Bridezillas over her STAT; I think this could be the episode that finally gets them that Emmy. Still before she pulls off that classy maneuver, Maryann decides to kill Sookie.

Maryann sticks her hands in the ground and sprouts her super Komodo dragon claws and takes off after Sookie. Sookie got a pretty good head start, but it doesn’t do her a lot of good and before you can say help the star is in danger, Maryann is all set to kill Sookie.

That is, until Maryann sees a beautiful snow white bull, with horns. Maryann is transfixed and starts talking to it. Oh don’t do it girlfriend, you’re in a classic rebound situation what with your wedding to the big pile of meat falling through.

The big bull kind of rubs up against Maryann a little bit and then jams its horn completely through her body. Maryann is totally cool with this right up until the bull turns into Sam and he yanks Maryann’s heart out of her chest. Sam then crushes her heart, killing her. Suck it maenad.

Bill comes up and explains the totally improbable plot point we had to go to get to this relatively happy ending. After Sam got stabbed and when everyone else’s attention was on Sookie and the toppled meat statue, Bill came over and healed Sam with his vampire blood. Sam then turned into a bull which Maryann thought was her God with Horns and was willing to let herself be killed. Wow did anyone out there see that one coming? No, well I guess that’s why screenwriters make near minimum wage, the big bucks.

Even though Bill is pretty wiped out after giving Sam his blood, and Sam almost got killed, Sookie immediately puts them both to work. Bill gets the sought after job of burying Maryann’s husk of a corpse and Sam and Jason have to get everyone home, because it’s all about Sookie. Sorry but she is not my favorite character on the show right now.

Over at Hoyt’s house, momma Hoyt is completely depooeyedified and can’t remember anything since meeting Jessica and making her squirt blood out her eyes. She’s not to happy to find out Jess gave her an über hickey, and Hoyt has to explain that she was talking a lot of smack about Hoyt, Jess, and saying that Hoyt’s daddy shot himself, but she didn’t mean that, right? Right?

Ummm, nope there never was a burglar for Hoyt’s daddy to save them from, and Momma Hoyt used it to keep Hoyt from meeting girls, going to college or getting anything resembling a life. This little tidbit pisses Hoyt off to no end. Well Hoyt’s been pissed for awhile. Is pisseder a word? Too bad, it would totally capture the moment here. Stupid dictionary.

Back on Sookie’s lawn the part is breaking up even though nobody can remember anything that has happened for the past few days. Sheriff Bud gives Andy his job back because he’s the only one there in pants. Score, and let that be a lesson to you young people out there, that kilt in the closet will not cut it at your next job interview.

Arlene is freaking out because her kids aren’t answering the phone but calms down a little but when Jason offers her a ride home. Of course they are going to have to stop at the emergency room first, because that kind of skanky looking older chick who cut her finger off for The God Who Comes last episode is having a well deserved poop fit when she finds out she’s down to nine digits.

Sam sees a pretty little doe off in the woods and thinks about that steady sex he was getting there for awhile, being in love with Daphne, the world’s worst shapeshifting waitress. Bill and Sookie come over and give him a pep talk about how good it was he came out in front of everyone in town with shapeshifting ability. Well, you know what? I’m guessing they might have been so gung ho on this subject if they had been subjected to Jason’s chicken and the egg theory. Anyway, Sookie and Bill wander off and when Sam looks out in the woods the pretty little doe is gone. Sam’s depressed because he’s single again and he’s not sure if e.harmony takes people who can turn into collies.

Inside Sookie’s house, Eggo is doing a Lady Macbeth at the kitchen sink and pretty much behaving like an actor whose story arc has come to an end. Errr that is someone suffering from severe post traumatic stress disorder. Sookie asks if Eggo is going to be okay, but is more concerned about where Bill is at.

Sookie goes up to her room and she and Bill cuddle. Awwww. However nobody gets cable neeked. Not so awwww.

It’s the next day and everyone in Bon Temps is dealing with the weirdness of having a multi-day blackout by loading up on jalapeño popper platters and Mountain Dew. You’ve got to love this town. The townsfolk are passing around a lot of theories for what must have happened blaming, aliens, pharmaceutical companies the liberal media, and skunky vodka.

Andy is pretty bent out of shape because he and Jason more or less know what really happened but due to the fact Andy was on a monster toot through the whole thing nobody will believe him when he tries to tell them about it. Jason tells Andy not to worry about because they are totally heroes and saved the day. When Andy points out that they both blacked out at the end and know as much about Maryann got killed as anyone else, Jason just blows it off. They were there to get Maryann and Maryann got got, so they must have been the ones to get her. As Jason so wisely points out, even if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around it’s still a tree. Well you can’t argue with logic like that. You can make fun of it, but you can’t argue with it.

Sam runs into Sookie when she’s getting more iced tea. Sookie is working? Is it a leap year? They make some small talk about what went on and then Sam asks Sookie if she can watch the bar for a couple of days so he can take a little time off. Sookie work two days? In a row? You’re asking for a lot Sam, but Sookie says okay and they share a nice hug.

This is right when some lady shows up with a package for Sookie; it’s a gift from Bill. This makes Sam kind of feel like poop because he’s always had a thing for Sookie and what with Daphne the world’s worst shapeshifting waitress getting her heart yanked out he doesn’t have anyone to play after hours 8 Ball with. Sookie asks if she can take a break and go open up her goodies, and Sam tells her sure no problem.

Sookie goes out to the parking lot and breaks into her present from Bill. If there was any justice in the world the would be full of expired pizza coupons. Well if you haven’t figured it out yet, there isn’t any justice in the world; inside the box are a really pretty dress and a note from Bill inviting Sookie out to dinner that night.

Sookie’s admiring her haul when Eggo walks up. Jesus! He’s still on the show? He’s still yammering about how he can’t remember what he did, but he knows he did bad things and if he could remember maybe it would stop tearing him up. He asks Sookie to do the Sookie mind meld and let him remember all the shenanigans he got into as Maryann’s number one stabber. Sookie thinks this is a real bad idea, but it advances the plot so of course they do it. We get a montage of Eggo’s best stabbing scenes and he loses his poop and goes running away into the woods. Well that worked out nicely, huh?

It’s later that night and Jess and Bill run into each other as they are going out for the night. Bill tells Jess about his date with Sookie. He’s taking her to a French restaurant because humans like to go to them for special occasions. He asks Jess if she is going to spend time with Hoyt and Jess admits they had a big fight but doesn’t mention trying to turn Momma Hoyt into a human milkshake. Bill tells her he’s sure she and Hoyt can work things out, and they go out for the night. This is a real sweet scene and if you can watch it and not quietly think to yourself “awwwww!” then you’re a snarkier man then I am Gunga Din.

We cut to Sam going up to a strange house and knocking on the door. The door opens and it’s his adoptive mom. She pretty much poops herself because she hasn’t seen Sam since he turned into a beagle puppy as a teenager and she and her husband abandoned Sam. She lets Sam inside and they make a little small talk before Sam tells her he’s there because he’s looking for his birth parents. Adopto-Mom thinks this is a bad idea because she says Sam’s real parents are bad people, and coming from this Houdini that is really saying something.

There is a beep on a baby monitor and when Sam goes into the back of the house his adoptive father is in bed and on a whole bunch of life support machines. The old guy hands Sam a note with a name and an address on it, and also says that Gaspy McVentilaor is sorry about what happened.

Hoyt shows up at Bill’s but Jess has already left. Oh man is this a two ships passing in the night bit where we’ll see Jess showing up at Momma Hoyt’s looking for Hoyt? Not exactly, we see Jess making out with some trucker in his rig at a truck stop. Huh, what, who? Jess and skuzzy trucker guy get ready to move on to the main event. Jess mentions she’s a virgin. Skuzzy Trucker thinks this is cool, but Jess says she thinks it sucks, and then chomps down on Skuzzy Trucker.

Oh man I hope this doesn’t end up like Ross and Rachel when they took a break. Unless Jess could go back in time and drain David Schwimmer, that would be freaking awesome. Anyway, Hoyt leaves his flowers on the doorstep and heads home.

Sookie and Bill go out on their date and Bill is pulling out all the stops. He’s rented out the whole restaurant so it’s just he and Sookie tonight. Sookie says she loves that she’d going out to dinner, but she asks Bill what he is getting out the date. Bill tells her for starters they get to dance, and then he and Sookie proceed to do the 178-year-old white man’s overbite in the middle of the restaurant.

After a night of diet cokes (and lime!), Andy is calling it a night and heading out to his car. This is where he runs into Eggo. Eggo is waving a knife around and acting like a guy who knows a PA has already cleared all his stuff out of his trailer. Eggo wants to turn himself in to Andy, but he does this by knocking Andy to the ground and waving that big honking knife around like he wants to cut one more heart out just for old time’s sake.

There’s a gunshot and Eggo gets shot in the noggin. Oh man, it looks like Jason was still paling around with Kid Glock and shot Eggo. Jason starts pooping himself when he sees Eggo is dead. Andy takes the gun from Jason and tells him to take off. When everyone comes out in the parking lot, Andy tells them Eggo confessed to all the recent unsolved murders, attacked him, and got killed by Andy (definitely not Jason Stackhouse), and we can finally put this story arc to bed. Tara is pretty stunned by Eggo getting dead-o, mainly because she’s now back in the dating pool and the only guy in town she hasn’t gone out with yet is Andy. Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Back in the happy part of our show Sookie has just finished polishing off her dessert and thanking Bill for an awesome meal she wouldn’t have shared with anyone. Bill has another gift. Plane tickets for them to Vermont. Sookie doesn’t know why they would ever want to go to Vermont (hello, maple syrup bitch), so Bill pulls out his second gift of the night. It’s a ring. Bill asks Sookie to marry him.

Now seeing as Sookie is always telling everyone how much she luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvs Bill, you would think this would be a no-brainer for Sookie to answer and that she is most definitely going to say yes. Slow down Einstein, you think too much. Sookie starts yammering about how she doesn’t know if she can be Bill’s wife when she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she comes down with a case of the vapors and has to run off to the crapper.

Bill sits at the table and wonders if he can get his money back on that ring, assuming he can get it back from Sookie. This is why he’s just as surprised as we are when someone wraps a silver chain around his throat and yanks him off camera.

Sookie is in the bathroom sniffling and looking at herself in the mirror when she gives Bill’s ring a second look. My god, is that two carats? She slides it on and gives it a look in the mirror. Sure Bill doesn’t have a pulse and she’s probably not human, but sweet baby Jesus look at the clarity on that stone. Sookie decides maybe she can get married and hurries out tell Bill she’ll marry him, this is when she finds out somebody has just stolen her dead fiancé. Jinkes we’ve got ourselves a mystery. The end, just for the season.

Well that wraps up things for a pretty great season. We got to have a lot of fun, with a fair amount of creepy stuff and dumbness mixed in. I don’t know about the rest of you guys but that’s all I need on a Sunday night.

It looks like we’ve got plenty of stuff to look forward to for next season too. Aside from the case of the disappearing fiancé, we can wonder about Sam finding his parents, whether there will be any fallout for Andy saying he killed Eggo, what’s going to happen Jess and Hoyt, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Looks like it is going to be a long nine months until the new season, but I’ll be there to see what they cook up next.

I just want to thank everyone for their comments and putting up with my slow posts and the numerous typos that I always spotted once I got that week’s post up on line. This was my first time recapping a TV show and you guys made it a great experience, so thank you all very, very much!