True Blood: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Divergence

They say you can never go home again. We’ll if there is a restraining order in place or your sense of direction sucks monkey balls this might be true, but it’s not on True Blood so Sookie, Bill, and Jason are coming home, Yay! Look I could tell you about the poopeyes running wild, the improper use of condiments in freaky freaky bar orgies, and when it might be okay to chow down on your boyfriend’s pain in the butt momma like she was a bucket of extra crispy KFC, and all the other stuff that happened this week, but do you really want to read a five foot paragraph? I didn’t think so, so make the jump, and we’ll see you on the other side.

Our episode starts with Sookie walking down the halls of the Hotel de Blood Sucker. She heads down to Eric’s room to tell him that Godric has done his poof and be gone act, and finds Eric morning in the traditional Viking way. I mean when Vikings were sad they always stripped down to their birthday suits and spritzed A-1 sauce all over their face and chest, right?

Oh wait, that’s not steak sauce, it’s blood. Eric’s been seriously boo-hooing in his hotel suite, which makes sense because he and Godric were as close to family as vampires get. As to why he’s not wearing any clothes, my guess is it’s because he’s Scandinavian and according to all those magazines in my sock drawer those people do everything naked. Either that or somebody at HBO is trying to give me a little extra nudity for my 12 bucks a month, and I all I can say is God bless them, God bless them one and all.

Sookie comforts Eric, which starts with a little kiss on the cheek, which leads to a little making out, which leads to Sookie rubbing her fingers over Eric’s fangs, which leads to Eric seriously chomping down on Sookie’s neck.

Sookie wakes up in the minivan taking her, Jason and Bill home from the airport. Oh Snapple, it’s another of those freaky deaky vampire sex dreams brought on by clever screenwriting. I mean by Eric being a butthole and getting her to suck down a little of his super magical vampire blood last episode.

Jason promptly asks Sookie what she was dreaming about, and Sookie gets a deer in the headlights look right before she sees Bill’s travel coffin and squeaks out his name. Yes siree bob, she was dreaming about her good old reliable recycling boyfriend, and not the super hot bad boy Swedish sex bomb almost all of the viewers want her to hook up with.

Jason doesn’t push on this obvious whopper and makes a comment about how home always looks different when you come back to it. This is right before we see that on the sign that welcomes people to Bon Temps, somebody has written the words “fuck off” and drawn a giant prick on it. (Incidentally, if it were up to me these two features would be added to the signs in front of every gated community in America in the spirit of true honesty.)

Things are a little off in Bon Temps. The streets are littered with garbage, a guy is whacking his noggin on a post, and a couple of people just run out into the street and get hit by Sookie’s and Jason’s minivan. Their driver is freaking out, and when they get out of the minivan they find out the people they hit are a little bloody but okay, and both sporting a serious set of poopeyes. They ask the poopeyes what is going on but the poopeyes run off shouting about how they have to find Sam because it’s almost time, and we cut to the opening credits.

After the credits we cut over to Maryann who is working on this big statue type thing in front of Sookie’s house. It’s made of flowers and sticks, and feathers and lots and lots of meat. Fun fact, if you showed a picture of this to Rush Limbaugh and told him Maryann was getting a $25,000 grant from the NEA, his head would explode like that dude in Scanners.

Over at the no-tell-motel Sam is sitting on the bed in the morning light with a look of burning shame. We could assume that was caused by drinking and experimentation, but I think it’s more because he’s wearing Andy’s clothes. Buck up Sammy, Dockers make everybody’s ass look like that.

Andy comes back to the motel room with Sam’s clothes, and more booze for Andy. Andy tells Sam about going over to the now empty police station to get Sam’s clothes and Sam fills Andy and anyone who decided to start watching this show 10 episodes into the season about how Maryann is a maenad, which means she’s a handmaiden of Dionysus, rips the hearts out of people and owns at least three Phish bootlegs.

After catching up on this vital exposition, Sam’s cell phone starts ringing. It’s Arlene. She’s telling Sam she’s down out Merlotte’s and a whole bunch of people want to kill her and her kids. Sam intelligently points out that Arlene is a poopeye so he shouldn’t trust her, but Arlene falls back on the old faithful debating tactic of three-year-olds everywhere, and says “pleeeeeeeeeeeease.” Sam then tells her he’ll be right down. Oh well, intelligence is way overrated.

Sookie, Jason and Bill get back to Bill’s place. Jason calls the sheriff’s office to report them running over the poopeyes but all he gets is the answering machine. They get Bill out of his travel box and get a big surprise. Momma Hoyt comes bouncing out of Bill’s room with her hair all ratted out and some serious poopeyes. She is followed by Hoyt, and Jess who promptly tells Bill this isn’t her fault.

Momma Hoyt is completely out of her gourd and chattering about all sorts of stuff. Hoyt tells them they don’t know what is causing it, at first he thought it was her diet pills, but they don’t bring on the poopeyes. Then things get really awesome. Momma Hoyt spots Jason, calls him a dirty little monkey and tries to mount him right in the hallway. Bill and Hoyt are able to stop her, but the look on Jason’s face, like a long deep seated fear is finally coming true is priceless.

They get Momma Hoyt to settle down by having her play video games and Hoyt catches everyone up to speed on the poopeye situation in town and how Maryann is calling for Sam’s head and is squatting over at Sookie’s. Jason’s decided he’s heard enough and decided to go over to Merlotte’s because this is just the war he’s been training for. Sookie thinks this is a pretty dumb idea, but Bill reminds her it’s Jason, and they let him take off to put those capture the flag and chain link fence climbing skills to use for the forces of good.

Sam and Andy show up at Merlotte’s to advance the plot, rescue Arlene. Only it turns out Arlene doesn’t need rescuing because the whole thing is a big trap and a whole mess of other poopeyes pop out to take Sam and Andy prisoner. Andy fires a couple of warning shots which the poopeyes think are more fun then scary. It doesn’t really matter because Terry wrestles the gun away from Andy and then shoots out some windows. Oh and hits one of the other poopeyes in the arm, which again everyone thinks is a hoot.

Sam and Andy use this as a chance to get away, only they don’t. They end up barricading themselves in the walk-in. Terry realizes that while they can’t get at Sam and Andy, neither of those knuckleheads are going anywhere either. He tells this middle-aged floozy type to call Maryann and let her know they have Sammy trapped. This would be a pretty good plan, but the middle-aged floozy sees some graffiti about calling Peanut for a good time, and come on if you can’t trust Peanut with your good time, who can you trust?

Over at Lafayette’s he and Tara’s mom have Tara tied to a chair which allows Tara to cackle and chant and act the full on poopeye she is right now. Tara’s mom tries a little prayer to get her sassy wisecracking daughter back, but it doesn’t work. We do find out when Lafayette joins in that “even though Jesus and he have agreed to see other people, they still talk from time to time.” He and Tara’s mom also beat themselves up for not paying more attention to Tara before she became a poopeye and how they could have stopped this from ever happening. Ah family, is there anything better for when you want to stretch those guilt muscles?

Sookie and Bill get over to her house, and Sookie is about as happy as any homeowner would be to come home from a trip and find an 8 foot statue in her driveway that is primarily made from rotting meat. Cheer up Sookie, at least the home owners association hasn’t seen it yet. You know they have a CCR for that sort of thing. The inside of the house isn’t much better. It’s full of candles and branches and all sorts of other stuff that screams dirty hippie.

Sookie gets a phone call from Lafayette. The first thing Sookie wants to know is where Tara is. She’s relieved to hear Tara is over at Lafayette. Of course Lafayette pretty much loses his poop when he hears Sookie’s standing in her living room. He tells her she needs to leave right f-ing now, and Sookie immediately puts this plan into action.

Too bad for Sookie and Bill, Maryann shows up. Maryann asks what Sookie is doing in her house and when Sookie pulls her usual little mouthy comeback, Maryann slams her against the wall. Bill tries to step in and chomps down on Maryann. Bad idea, whatever is in Maryann’s blood, Bill no likey. He starts to foam at the mouth and flops around on the floor. Maryann goes to put the hurt on Sookie, when something happens.

Sookie puts her hand on Maryann’s face and this flashlight beam shoots out of her hand and knocks Maryann back. Sookie drags Bill out of the house and Maryann is giggling about how fun what Sookie did was, but she’s not following Bill and Sookie when they leave either.

Over at Merlotte’s Sam and Andy are still stuck in the walk-in, but luckily Andy grabbed some booze before they got trapped so he and Sam can knock back a few and bond the men only can when they are trapped in a walk-in by a bunch of poopeyed zombies working for a dirty hippie maenad. Sam gets all down on himself and says that if he had left town none of this would have happened and nobody would have gotten killed. Andy doesn’t want to hear any of this, because Sam brought Bon Temps jalapeno popper platters and good deals on pitchers so you really can’t put a price tag on that in human lives.

Andy then tells Sam he admires him for only having one eye. Show of hands, if you could be locked with one character from this show in a walk-in how many of you are taking Andy? Yeah, Sam feels the same way too.

Not to worry though faithful viewers, because Jason has arrived to save the day, and he is loaded for bear. Well actually he brought all his tools from the road crew, but considering the training program he went through with the wingnuts, we’re lucky he’s not going into Merlotte’s armed with a dodge ball.

When Jason gets inside, he gets his first peek at what’s been going on in town while he was gone. The poopeyes are having another of their freaky freaky orgies. They are dancing and sucking beer out of the taps, licking condiments off of each other, and humping all over the room; including on the pool table. Sweet Baby Jesus, doesn’t anyone ever play pool on that thing? Sam should have just manned up and bought a revolving round bed for that corner of the restaurant.

Anyway, Jason walks into the middle of the room and tells everyone they need to get the hell out, and is promptly ignored by everyone in the room. Jason decides to get everyone’s attention and fires up his chainsaw, and they still ignore him. Jason walks over and pulls a Leatherface on a boom box on the bar, aaannnnnnnnddddd, nothing. Man this is a tough room.

Jason finally gets everyone attention when he holds a nail gun to Arlene’s head and threatens to shoot her. The only problem is the poopeyes want to watch Jason shoot her. Yeah it turns out poopeyes love violence, humping, and getting blotto. Hmmmm? Just a second [waffleboy goes to bathroom and checks eyes in mirror], nope no poopeyes, but just to be safe I’m going to keep an eye on me for the rest of the post. It’s kind of eerie.

Luckily for the plot, Terry the cook doesn’t want Jason to nail Arlene in the noodle so he gets the rest of the poopeyes to leave the bar.

Sookie is driving down the road while Bill vomits out of the window, and she now officially could pass for any of my ex-girlfriends.

Sookie wants to call Eric, and Bill stops upchucking long enough to give her a oh hell no. They decide to go over to Lafayette and see what’s up with Tara and then Bill bites Sookie in the wrist to keep from puking. Hey, hey, hey Sookie, two hands on the wheel and at the 10 and 12 position at all times.

Over at Merlotte’s Jason locks all the doors and gets Andy and Sam to break off their deep philosophical discussion and come out of the walk-in. Everyone thinks it would be a really good idea to get the hell out of there before the poopeyes come back. Too bad they reach this decision right before a beer keg comes flying through the window, followed by those pesky poopeyes. Our heroes try to make a break for it, but the poopeyes have all the exits covered and they get cornered in the kitchen.

Terry the cook comes in and tells Sam running won’t do him any good because the god who comes always gets what he comes for, and he also tells Jason threatening to shoot a bunch of nails into his special lady’s skull was way uncool. Am I the only one noticing that Terry is actually smarter and more articulate when he’s being used as a zombie by a menopausal maenad?

Sam decides to surrender to the poopeyes. What’s that? Why is Sam giving up after running all season, and having the ability to turn into a fly and disappear? Well it could have to do with Sam not wanting anyone in town to get hurt because of him, but mainly it’s to keep the plot moving forward, so I should think you should ease off the thinking from here on in and just be grateful Sam is willing to have his heart ripped out for our entertainment.

Back at Lafayette’s, to use his words, “the worst MF-ing intervention of all time” is grinding away, at least until there is a knock at the door. Lafayette is relieved because he thinks it’s Sookie and she’ll be sure to be able to fix this mess because she is the star of the show, has special powers.

Too bad when Lafayette goes to the door it isn’t Sookie. It’s some dopey college girl who looks a lot like the youngest wife on Big Love and she needs to buy some V for finals week. Too bad for her Lafayette is doing cousin exorcisms tonight and not peddling make believe drugs, and double too bad for her because Sookie and Bill pull up and Bill frowns on people sucking down vampire blood.

Bill scares the poop out of the dopey college girl and is all set to open up the whoop ass can on Lafayette when Lafayette tells him the V business is all Eric’s idea. Sookie goes flying in to see what’s up with Tara and after Lafayette invites Bill in, they all go in to take a look at Tara’s poopeyes.

Sookie goes into to do her mind reading bit, but she says it’s all black and there is nothing in there. (This is the 243rd time this season where you can insert your own cheap joke here) Bill tells Sookie she needs to go deeper into Tara’s mind, so she puts her hand on Tara’s arm and closes her eyes. Oh yeah, that ought to do it. Only it doesn’t. So Bill decides to glamour Tara, and when we leave the scene he is looking at Tara and has his head tilted like somebody is blowing a dog whistle nearby.

Back at Merlotte’s the poopeyes are tying Sam to the roof of a car when somebody starts throwing flares. It’s Jason and he isn’t wearing a shirt, which always improves his acting, and is also wearing a gas mask which doesn’t make a difference one way or the other. Jason tells everyone he is The God Who Comes and they need to give Sam to him. Genius poopeye zombie Terry the cook calls bullshit on this because the god has horns and things aren’t looking to good.

That is until Andy holds some branches up behind Jason, and presto! One horned god ready to pick up his small business owner sacrifice. Sam gets in on the act and asks Jason to smite him. Things get a little tense because Jason doesn’t really know what smite means, but after Sam says it a bunch of times Jason says that he smites Sam, and poof! Sam disappears.

Well a CGI fly is buzzing around so we know the score, but as far as the poopeyes are concerned Sam got seriously smote. Jason tells the poopeyes to take their act on the road and go tell Maryann he was very happy with their sacrifice. The poopeyes promptly exit stage left.

After the poopeyes leave, Andy and Jason try to figure out what happened to Sam and because it’s Andy and Jason they go directly to “I don’t know” and run out of ideas. This is why they get the poop scared out of them when Sam shows up with his ass hanging out of an apron carrying a fire extinguisher. Sam tells them to help him put out the flares before Merlotte’s burns down and he’ll explain everything later. Andy says he just took his last drink, which is fine because it leaves more booze for the screenwriter.

Back at Lafayette’s Bill is glamouring like a son of a gun, and Sookie’s is pulling out all the stops, translation she has her eyes closed and is giving Tara an extra big hug, and you know what? It works, Sookie (and us) see a quick montage of all the freaky crap Maryann has been pulling with her for the past nine episodes, and Tara’s eyes get depooped and she’s back to good old Tara, yay!

Oh and if you are wondering how Sookie was able to get Tara’s mind depooped when all Sookie has ever been able to do is read minds then this is the part where I point out that if Tara doesn’t get her eyes depooped she’s just going to keep doing that pain in the butt chanting and keep spitting on every one like some girl talked to Flava Fave when it was her alone time on Flavor of Love, so just go with it, okay?

Tara gets in a couple of good hugs with her mom and Lafayette and then decides she needs to go rescue Eggo. Lafayette closes the door, because only series regulars are getting rescued tonight. Sorry Tara maybe we’ll rescue your boyfriend with the wonder abs next week.

Sookie and Bill have gone outside to have a little talk about dealing with Maryann. Bill is a little worries because his big ace in the hole is these situations is biting people in the neck and he responds to Maryann’s blood the same way I respond to Brussels sprouts. Sookie tells Bill they need to figure something out because Maryann is serving up crappy waitresses’ hearts soufflés and stealing people’s souls but Bill poops himself (or the vampire equivalent) when she mentions that chant running through Tara’s mind.

Okay, do you remember that flashback? Yeah, I know there have been a lot of them. Do you remember the one where Bill was in his bathrobe, smoking jacket? Well back in 1935, right before he and his soon to be vampire ex-girlfriend broke up he was reading a book that just happened to lay out the 411 for everything happening with Maryann. Wow, that came in handy huh? Do all you kids out there see how important reading is? If you’re a vampire? In the Depression? Who is now on a TV show? Well trust me, it’s very important, and yes you do have to go to school tomorrow. Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh right, the show! You’re the bestest! You can stay up until 10 and have ice cream.

Bill says he thinks he knows what Maryann is, but doesn’t really have anyway to stop her, but he knows somebody who might know what they can do to get rid of Maryann. Sookie thinks this is great and wants to leave right away. Bill gets another pained look on his face (do vampires get gas?) and tells Sookie if he’s going to make it back by sunrise he needs to go alone. Sookie buys this and they say goodbye and tell each other how much they luuuuvvvvv the other one and then Bill super duper fast vampire runs down to road.

Over at Bill’s house things are getting tense. Momma Hoyt is acting Insert-Your-Favorite-Profanity-Here, okay, Insert-Your-Favorite-Profanity-Here-ier. She’s ticked because Hoyt won’t let her go off to hang out with the other poopeyes and is cock punching him, and calling him half a man. She is also getting really rough on Jess which is a bad idea because as Jess points out she has poor impulse control and hasn’t eaten in four days. Momma Hoyt calls Jess a dirty whore which is way, way uncalled for because they only did it once, and did I mention Jess still has her hymen? Jess decides to chow down on Momma Hoyt, and knocks Hoyt into the other room when he goes to stop her. You know, I’m guessing Hoyt and Jess will have their first fight next episode. Awwwww.

Bill shows up at this serious fancy schmancy crib, where a bunch of guys who look like secret service agents are just hanging around. This one secret service agent tells Bill the Queen is expecting him and Bill gets whisked inside. It’s sort of like going to meet the President, or going to the bathroom at Kanye West’s house. Bill promptly makes with a “your majesty” and then his jaw hits the floor when we see this foot with A-1 sauce dripping down it. The End.

Wait’s that’s blood, blood dripping down a foot, okay, that makes a lot more sense. The End, really.

Wow, that episode seemed really short when I watched it on Sunday and when I DVR’ed it on Monday I found out why. It was only about 45 minutes long. Still they sure packed plenty of action into ¾ of an hour that’s for sure.

Just one question this week, assuming Jess doesn’t suck Momma Hoyt dry, how awkward are holiday dinners going to be seeing as she bit her sweetie’s momma’s right in the carotid artery?

Anyway, only two episodes left, see you all next week.