True Blood: When Re-Gifting Goes Wrong

Hey Gasmi, I don’t know about you guys, but not getting an episode of True Blood last week was the one bummer in my weekend. The good news is we got a great one this week. We found out all sorts of interesting stuff, like God has big plans for Jason that involve paintball, and Sookie has serious re-gifting issues that need to be addressed. So make the jump and see what’s cooking this week in Bon Temps.

Our episode starts at Camp HateAVampire. Our favorite dim bulb, okay one of our favorite dim bulbs, Jason is walking back from his big dinner where he found out Jesus has big, big plans for him. If those plans involve capture the flag, I think Jesus may on to something; if they involve any sort of thinking, Baby Jesus may be setting himself up for a crushing disappointment.

Jason gets back to his dorm and the door is open. Not only that, when Jason looks inside all his roomies are laying all over the room covered in blood. Oh Snapple! Jason seems completely confused, well more then usual, is confuseder a word? No? Well too bad, Jason could use it a lot.

Well even though Jason doesn’t know what is going on, I do. Obviously all his roommates were cheerleaders who smoked grass and lost their virginity with guys from the football team. See? I knew watching all those Friday The 13th movies would pay off eventually. Big waste of time my butt mom!

Jason walks in the room and gets tackled from behind by some big guy in a hoodie who says he wants to suck Jason’s blood and have sex with him. Jason struggles because hey ixnay on the exsay without dinner and dancing before hand. It doesn’t do him much good because the big guy moves down to bite his neck and the lights come on.

Oh man, it was all a big practical joke, and it turns out it was all the work Jason Hater #1, The Lukeninator. The Lukeinator gives Jason a hard time for being a fraidy cat when it comes to vampires. Jason also got a bloody lip and The Lukeinator asks in a really sarcastic way if Jason is okay. Jason says he’s fine and asks how The Lukinator’s nose is doing. The Lukeinator gets a funny look on his face because his nose is fine. Well not for long because Jason gives this big jamoke a well deserved right cross to the honker.

Jason then yanks off his clip-on tie and gives his fellow campers a serious talk on how vampires ain’t no joke. It’s sort of like the opening speech from Patton, if it had been done by Corky from Life Goes On. Anyway it’s a great way to get the show started.

Over at Bill’s house Bill and Sookie are dealing with the fallout of Jess and Hoyt (this is the last time, but Hoyt? Hoyt?? Seriously, Hoyt???) making out in the living room. Translation, Hoyt’s moobs are pretty much on display for the whole world to see. We finally get Hoyt into a shirt (Yay!) and Bill kicks him out of the house.

Hoyt keeps saying he wasn’t going to do anything, and calling Bill “Vampire Bill” which is so funny I may start doing it too. Bill explains he’s not so worried about Hoyt getting into Jess’s knickers as he is that Jess is going to eat Hoyt. Hoyt looks at Jess and says he could never see her doing that. It’s a real sweet scene and I really hope it works out for Hoyt and Jess. Mainly because if it doesn’t work out and in a couple of weeks Hoyt’s nickname becomes “Box lunch”, I’m going to be really depressed.

After Hoyt and his moobs exit stage left, Bill starts to tear Jess a new one. The only thing is Jess isn’t standing still for it. She points out that Bill killed her and turned her into a vampire and drops a nice fat guilt bomb with saying that Hoyt is the first boy she’s ever kissed. Oh poor Jess, well the good news is she has put the bar nice and low for future comparisons. Then she realizes she is still sprouting her fang boner and runs upstairs giggling.

Bill and Sookie have a little raising-teenaged-vampire-girls-who-were-home-schooled-before-they-became-unholy-creatures-of-the-night-is-hard moment on the stairs. Bill gets a little wistful because kiddy vampires these days have twitter, facebook and synthetic blood, and when he was starting out he had to walk two miles in the snow, uphill, both ways, to suck the blood from fat guys named Ulysses.

Sookie, nips this remember when stuff in the bud by telling Bill they should take Jess with them to Dallas when they go to get their Scooby Doo on. Bill isn’t too keen on this, so Sookie lays her own guilt bomb on the poor undead guy, reminding him she almost got Benihana’ ed by a minotaur the other night, and Bill promptly gives in.

If you noticed that Sookie managed to turn a situation about other people that had nothing to do with her into an exercise where everyone bends to her will, then all I can say is stick around. Sookie is going to elevate being self-absorbed to an art form this week.

Out at the old swimming hole, Sam and Daphne, the world’s worst waitress have been treading water for roughly three and half hours and having an in depth conversation. Well basically Sam goes on about how Bon Temps is the super bestest place in the world and he couldn’t think of living anywhere else. Only he’s planning on leaving town. Daphne, the world’s worst waitress wants to know why, and Sam doesn’t really have a smooth way of saying the crazy woman he stole a hundred grand from when he was 17 and wandered around in the shape of a beagle puppy is threatening to turn him into a dog in front of all his friends. Seeing as the truth just isn’t going to cut it in this situation, Sammy goes with the old standby all guys use when they don’t want to admit to a new chick they sometimes turn into collies; “I don’t know.”

Daphne, the world’s worst waitress doesn’t push it and invites Sam out for sweet potato pancakes, but Sam doesn’t want to go mainly because he’s butt naked and his clothes are back at work. Daphne is all suit yourself, and gets out of the lake. This is the first time Sam notices those big honking scars running down her back, and Sam gets the same “what the hell?” look we all got when we saw them for the first time too, but he doesn’t say anything, because according to dating rules you can’t bring up minotaur claw scars until the third date.

The next morning we see Tara over at Maryann’s talking with Sookie on the phone about how she has decided to move in with Sookie. I guess she is still pretty steamed about that big boobed licensed massage therapist offering to crack Eggo’s back the night before.

Maryann comes in right at the end of Tara’s phone call and is all what’s up girlfriend. Tara tells her she is going to move in with Sookie, and pretty much looks like she is about to poop her pants at any second. This seems to be a complete waste of time (to anyone who doesn’t remember that Maryann can make Sam roll over and play fetch), because Maryann is completely supportive and gives Tara a nifty little new age pep talk. Of course once Tara turns her back, Maryann is shooting her dirty looks and probably picking out which household pet she’ll turn Tara into.

Over at Camp HateAVampire, everyone is engaged in deep philosophical conversation over flapjacks and OJ. Well as deep and philosophical as Jason and his Light of Day fellow campers are going to get which is to say welcome to the wadding pool kiddies. They are all trying to figure where the first vampire came from using the Bible. The Lukeinator is going with Lazarus, because Jesus made him rise from the dead, this other kind of weaselly looking guy is saying it’s Cain, and Jason has it narrowed down to either Jesus or Bella Lugosi. You know, this scene is kind of like watching a meeting of Anti-MENSA.

Also, The Lukeinator mentions that thanks to Eve, women are the root of all evil in the world. Is it too early for me to nominate The Lukeinator as the camper most likely to be arrested in a Minneapolis men’s room for taking a wide stance?

This conversation could go on for hours, but luckily it doesn’t because the intercom announces that Reverend Steve-o wants to see Jason right away. The Lukeinator and his little ass hat buddy get these smug looks on their faces like Jason is in trouble, but it doesn’t work out that way because when Jason gets outside Reverend Steve-o is loading a paint gun in his golf cart and wants Jason to go for a ride.

Over at Sookie’s, she and Tara are celebrating Tara’s birthday. Sookie gives Tara an old picture of her and Sookie with Sookie’s grandma, and I’m calling shenanigans on this one. Sookie isn’t even re-gifting here; she’s just giving her best friend something she found around the house. You know what, even if this badly photoshopped picture of Sookie, Tara and Sookie’s meemaw is loaded with sentimental value (to someone other then Sookie), the least Sookie could have done is thrown in a gift card to Target. If nothing else this would allow Tara to buy herself a card because Sookie didn’t get her one of those either.

There is one thing this, exercise in cheapskatery, lame assed gift, thoughtful present does do. It allows Sookie to mention yet again how much she misses her Meemaw, and just how sad Sookie is feeling. Yeah Sookie, because why would anyone want to spend any time celebrating their friend’s birthday when you could use that valuable time to turn the spotlight on yourself? Did I mention Sookie is kind of getting on my nerves in this scene?

Tara gives Sookie a big heartfelt hug because she is the main character on the show, her dear, dear friend, and wisely changes the subject by asking why Sookie and Bill are going to Dallas. Sookie tries to get coy and say that Bill has business there, but Tara susses it right out that the vampires are using Sookie’s mind reading shtick again. Sookie says she’s doing it because she and Bill are in luvvvvvv, and the sex is pretty darn good too.

That 10 grand Sookie is getting paid never makes it into the conversation, because then the lack of a Target card would look even cheaper. Hey you know what does get mentioned though? That Sookie is also doing this to get Lafayette out of vampire jail.
Tara promptly forgets all about getting screwed out of a gift card and wants to hear what happened to her cousin. Say what you will about vampires abducting people, it does help cut down on social awkwardness at birthdays.

Down at the morgue Sheriff Bud, Kenya the deputy and Coroner Mike are gathered over the exorcist lady’s body for her autopsy. Coroner Mike says the claw wounds in the back were made by an animal, but the heart was carved out with a knife, so he is completely stumpered. I guess we are going to have to get an idea from either Sheriff Bud or Deputy Kenya, aannnnnddd we’re still waiting. Why do I have a feeling the unsolved case drawer is about to get one file bigger?

Andy comes barging in saying he’s been going over the case file and he wants to know about the pig Tara saw in the middle of the road last season when she got her DUI, because he thinks he saw a pig last night in a dollhouse that he thinks has something to do with the case. I think Andy is on to something, but seeing as he’s been drinking in the middle of the day and is a recovering alcoholic, Sheriff Bud tells him he needs to stay off the case like he was ordered to. First Andy gets rude and then he tries to make it up by being charming.

Yeah, that worked about as well as you’d think it would, and Sheriff Bud makes him turn in his badge. This causes Andy to stomp off and I’m not liking sobriety’s odds at this point in the show.

Poor Lafayette who is just trying to have his first quiet day at home that he doesn’t have to worry about being turned into a poo poo platter ends up having to deal with Tara. Tara is on the warpath because Lafayette didn’t tell her he got back home from Vampire prison or that he had to go to vampire prison in the first place. Yeah Tara, be mad at your cousin who got kidnapped, but don’t be mad at your best friend who couldn’t even spring for a lousy birthday balloon from Safeway (because nothing says congratulations for making it through another year on Earth better then a big bag of helium), keep those priorities straight girl.

One of the many things you have to love about Lafayette is that even though he’s waiting for his uncle, the vet, to sew up his gunshot wound and he recently watched another human being get turned into pulled pork right in front of his eyes, he’s still got enough intestinal fortitude to tell Tara to dial it down a notch.

Tara does calm down and brightly announces that she will now be spending the rest of her birthday with Lafayette. Lafayette is like oh hell no. Now he says it’s because after dealing with the stress of almost getting eaten every day for two weeks he just wants to be alone, but you know Tara’s recently little bitchfest had to have a little bit to do with it too. Tara gets a little boo-hooie and slinks off to have the worst birthday ever back at Sookie’s.

Over at Merlotte’s Sookie shows up for work and finds out from Terry the cook that Sam is leaving town. Although Sam hasn’t left town yet, because of his late night skinny dipping with Daphne the world’s worst waitress, but top five water treader.

Sookie assumes if Sam is leaving town it must be because she’s back with Bill. She explains to Sam, that the only reasons she hooked up with him last season was she was under a lot of pressure being stalked by a serial killer, the ever popular her meemaw got decapitated, and Bill was gone and she didn’t know if he was ever coming back. Good one Sook, why don’t you tell him you were drunk too? I mean why should you leave one stone on top of another in the guy’s ego? Oh and then Sookie thinks this would be a great time to ask for more time off too. Have I mentioned that Sookie is really working my last nerve in this episode?

Sam tells her fine but he probably won’t be around when she gets back. Sookie then proceeds to get miffed and tell him it’s dumb to throw away their friendship just like that, and I have to agree with her, because you just know she was planning on giving Bill that broken TV in her attic for his birthday.

Over at Camp HateAVampire Jason and the good Reverend Steve-o are practicing golf cart vampire drive-bys and Jason is impressing the heck out of Reverend Steve-o, and me too, to tell you the truth. Seriously, if Pebble Beach was ever to be attacked by an army of vampires, I would definitely want to be standing by Jason.

Jason and Reverend Steve-o have a little talk about blood sucking freaks and Jason mentions that he’s seen a vampire get staked, Jason gets a little sad panda face, because the vampire in question was Eddie, the lovable gay vampire, but Reverend Steve-o thinks it’s totally Technicolor awesome.

Tara is spending her birthday watching TV and crying, which either means nothing is on but Judge Judy, or she just figured out all she’s getting for her birthday is that crappy picture. This idyllic scene changes when we see shapes moving around the windows and start hearing creepy music playing. Tara gets pretty spooked which is saying something considering it’s the middle of the afternoon. She goes to the door, and oh Snapple, it’s Maryann, her creepy butler, and Eggo.

It turns out they are coming over to throw Tara a party for her birthday. The creepy butler takes this wedding cake in the kitchen and Maryann goes in with him, which gives Eggo a chance to say hello. Tara is crying and the big Egg asks her why. Tara explains that she always cries on her birthday because it’s always the worst day of the year. This info tells me that this isn’t the first time Sookie has given her a “sentimental photo”. Eggo tells her not to worry because he is going to make sure she’s never sad again.

Back at Camp HateAVampire, after a hard day of spattering paint on pop-up targets, the good Reverend Steve-o and Jason have retired back to Casa de Plastic Preachers for some well deserved barbeque which is being prepared by the lovely Plastic Preacherette. The Reverend Steve-o is chattering about a whole bunch of stuff that Jason isn’t paying attention to because he’s nursing a pretty serious bible camp stiffy for the Plastic Preacherette.

This actually makes sense because Jason hasn’t had sex yet this season and last season he was going at it as often as a spider monkey at the zoo on family day. We get treated to a fantasy sequence where the Plastic Preacherette pretty much reenacts a White Snake video, only to a country song instead of a rock song, and she doesn’t do the splits on a car, which means she doesn’t get stuck to the hood either and that kind of keeps the episode moving right along.

Everyone goes inside to eat their delicious barbeque and The Plastic Preachers proceed to give Jason the hard sell for their hair brained scheme, God’s glorious mission. They tell Jason that God wants him to join their elite spiritual army and become a Solider of the Sun. Just assuming for a moment that these two bozos are in God’s Calling Circle, I’ve got my doubts about any elite spiritual army that chooses recruits based on their paintball and capture the flag skills. You know, unless God has called for a Crusade to conquer a godless Boy Scout Jamboree, then I like their chances. Yeah you’d have to be a complete moron to fall for this line of bull…okay; it’s not that huge of a surprise that Jason immediately signs on to play paintball for God.

Over at Merlotte’s the place is completely dead. Well not completely dead because Andy is sucking down scotch and cokes as fast as they can pour them. Seeing as he’s already had seven, Sam cuts him off and we find out that not only did Andy lose his badge today, but he lives with his sister and Grandma.

Arlene says that seeing as they aren’t doing any business they should close up early and go to Tara’s party. Sam is all like Tara is having a party? But he loses interest in going when he finds out Maryann is the one throwing it. He’s the only one though because Andy thinks it would be a good idea to stop by and ask Tara about that pig she saw and Daphne is ready for a break after a long day of worst waitressing.

Tara’s mom stops by with a birthday present for Tara, and she’s so sad and wistful when Tara isn’t around that even a big dick like me can make fun of it. Sam takes the present and promises to make sure Tara gets it.

Sookie, Bill and Jess arrive in Dallas. Well Sookie gets off the plane and she has to wait for them to bring Bill and Jess’s travel coffins over. She sees the limo driver and goes over to talk to him. Sookie got completely snookered on the plane, and is a lot more fun to be around. Translation, she’s not telling the limo driver how much she misses her meemaw and trying to give him some lint she found in her purse as a Christmas present.
The limo driver keeps trying to get her in the car so Sookie gets suspicious, reads the guy’s mind and finds out he’s there to kidnap her.

Sookie must have spooked the kidnapper/limo driver because he grabs her and starts dragging her to the car. Sookie starts screaming which causes Bill to do his super duper fast vampire running and grab the limo driver. Bill flashes his fangs and is pretty badass. Poor Jess on the other hand isn’t able to get out of her coffin and just ends up making a lot of noise. The more I think about it, the more she and Hoyt are actually a pretty good match.

Sam shows up at Tara’s party which is jammed with just about everyone who was at the party at Maryann’s last night. It looks like he is just going to drop off the present Tara’s mom gave him, but he runs into Maryann who pretty much goes out of her way to make sure Sam feels like poop, mainly by pointing out Tara dumped him for Eggo, and Sookie is going out with Bill and he doesn’t even have a pulse.

Man, Sam’s ego is taking a real beating today, but he cheers up when he sees that Daphne the World’s Worst Waitress is there and wants to talk.

Tara’s having a great time and dancing with Eggo. The fact that the Big Boobed Licensed Massage Therapist isn’t around probably has a lot to do with that. Maryann watches Tara dance and gets this look on her face like her evil master plan is right on schedule, and then walks off into the woods.

Bill, Sookie and Jess are in the limo with their kidnapper/driver. Bill is going to glamour the kidnapper and decides to turn it into a learning experience for Jess. Bill explains the process and Jess takes right to it.

Bill and Sookie talk about who could have kidnapped them. Bill thinks it was the good folks from Camp HateAVampire, but Sookie doesn’t think a church could do anything that would hurt someone. Bill tells her churches some times are bad news and I can second that one. If you screw with their bingo game they can get pretty darn ruthless.

Jason heads back to the dorm of dorks to get packed. Now that he is a Solider of the Sun, he’s going to be bunking with the Plastic Preachers. The Lukeinator takes this time to make Jason feel like poop by telling him the only reason he’s getting to be part of God’s paintball squad is that the Plastic Preacherette is looking for a little Jason nookie. You know for someone who found Jesus, I don’t think there is anyone on the show who consistently fails the “what would Jesus do?” test as often as The Lukeinator.

Bill Sookie and Jess check into the big vampire hotel, and Sookie says Bill should start referring to Jess as his ward so he’ll sound like Bruce Wayne. I told you she was more fun when she’s drunk.

Back at Tara’s party, or I should say the middle of the woods Maryann is starting to do this weird chanting, and at the actual party, Tara and Eggo go upstairs to get seriously cable neeked.

Poor Lafayette, all he wants to do is get some rest today, but first he gets bitched out by Tara and now he looks up and Eric is standing over him in his open window. Lafayette poops a brick and wants to know what Eric wants. Eric says he wants to come in and of course Lafayette doesn’t really think that’s an option. That is until Eric offers him some of his thousand year old blood to cure Lafayette’s gunshot wound, and tells him he’s not leaving until Lafayette lets him in.

Back at the hotel Bill and Sookie sit down to interrogate their kidnapper, Leon. They find out Leon was hired by the Fellowship of the Sun to kidnap Sookie, but he doesn’t know who exactly hired him, because they only talked to him on the phone. Bill then precedes to glamour poor Leon some more so he’ll tell whoever hired him that Bill and Sookie were never on the plane, and they all end up sharing a good laugh about it.

Over at Lafayette’s, he and Eric are watching an old Sinbad movie. By the way that’s Sinbad the sailor, not Sinbad the comedian who had an inexplicable movie career. Well actually, Eric is watching the movie and Lafayette is getting a Big Gulp’s worth of Eric’s super duper vampire blood. That is until Eric cuts him off when he gets a phone call from Bill. Bill’s beans are pretty steamed what with the attempted kidnapping and all. Eric is all like whatever underling, and tells Bill he’s coming to Dallas.

When Bill hangs up, Lafayette is up on his feet. Actually he’s dry humping the couch, so that super duper vampire blood must really hit the spot. Eric tells Lafayette he’s eastbound and down (or in this case westbound and down) and flies off to Dallas.

Over at Casa de Plastic Preachers Jason is getting settled in and the Plastic Preacherette stops by in her sexy undies to tuck him in. Thanks to his recent chat with the Lukeinator Jason gets all self conscious and wants to know how come he’s bunking up at the big house. The Plastic Preacherette, tells Jason the elite God army dorm was full, and besides Jason the bestest one out of the bunch, and the Plastic Preacherette is sure he’s got a big one. Errr, that is she’s sure he’s going to do big things, for God, and stuff.

This answer kind of works for Jason and the PP tells Jason if he needs anything she’s just down the hall and then proceeds to shake her caboose down said hall and out of the scene.

Back at Tara’s party Sam and Daphne, the World’s Worst Waitress are having a stimulating conversation. Okay, they are flirting like mad and getting ready to do some serious making out. Before he gets to 2nd base, Sam decides to let Daphne know all about him turning into dogs, but she whispers in his ear she already knows all about him and goes outside. Between this little bombshell, and the fact she was just sucking cake off of Sam’s fingers it’s not a huge surprise that Sam follows her right out the door.

Bill and Sookie are making out in their hotel room in Dallas when Eric shows up. Sookie is disappointed but manages not to tell Eric about how much she needs this because of her decapitated meemaw. I’m really starting to think Sookie should take up daytime drinking right a way.

Down in the lobby Bill orders a $45 hotel bottle of Japanese synthetic blood and makes Eric pay for it, and doesn’t drink it to get back at Eric for being a vampire weenie and not giving them a heads up about it being dangerous in Dallas,

Eric is annoyed about the true blood (well played Bill), but has a whatevers attitude as far as Bill being upset. Bill changes the subject and asks why Eric is all worked up about this Godric character anyway. This is a darn good question, and Eric says it’s because Godric is like 2,000 years old and if someone can get to him they can get to any vampire. Blah, blah, blah, personally I think at a minimum Eric is nursing a serious vampire crush.

Eric then tells Bill if he and Sookie care about humans they better get making with the detecting, because these Texas vampires are some ornery galoots and if they don’t get some answers are going to start taking it out on the local human population. Bill thinks that is the dumbest idea he’s ever heard, and Eric shrugs his shoulders and just says welcome to the Lone Star State pilgrim.

Back at Tara’s party things are getting seriously freaky deaky. For starters Tara and Eggo are getting seriously cable neeked up in Tara’s room. Maryann is out in the woods chanting and the camera is getting super jittery. Not only are people getting those creepy all black eyes, and humping on each other, some people have started fighting, eating dirt and eating in an extremely messy fashion. I think we can officially chalk up Tara’s party as a success.

Uh oh, we cut back to Maryann and the camera keeps getting jitterier and jitterier until she sprouts a pair of super long arms with those great big minotaur claws. Oh fudge me!

Unfortunately we don’t get see what else happens because we go back to Dallas where drunk, non-annoying, Sookie is checking out the vampire pay-per-view porn on the TV when there is a knock at the door. Sookie heads to the door, and it turns out Jess ordered something from room service. They open the door and we find out that something is a little guy in a bathrobe with B+ blood.

Jess takes her bedtime snack into the other room and Sookie starts worrying about what Bill is going to do when he gets back. After awhile she realizes that the bell hop, who is named Barry, is reading her mind because she is reading his mind too. Sookie is excited to meet a fellow mind reader and introduces herself. Barry the mind reading vampire hotel bell hop then gets a look like he is about to soil himself and takes off running down the hall. Sookie takes off after him because she hasn’t told anyone in the last 20 minutes about her headless meemaw. The End.

Wow, this was a great episode and I was actually disappointed when it came to an end. I’m going to admit the main reason I watched this show last season where there was nothing else on TV on Sunday nights, but they are really bringing some quality fun TV this season. Good job HBO!

“I love these things. They are like booze for dolls. They gave me 10.” I loved that line and this marked the point in the episode where I started liking Sookie again.

The Lukeniator: God will always make sure evil gets punished.
Jason: Yeah? Then explain Europe to me?”

Add this bit to the “evil is making the premedicated decision to be a dick,” line and we can officially declare Jason to be on fire this week.

Am I the only one who really thinks Andy is on to something with his search for the wonder pig? I think this pig is going to tie together a whole bunch of plot points, but that’s just my opinion and I’ve been a sucker for pigs on TV since Green Acres.

Anyway, an awesome episode and I can’t wait for Sunday. See y’all soon.