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***True Blood is one of our favorite shows, and we finally found someone fantastic to serve up your recaps. Please welcome our newest Moviegasm contributor over to the recap side! WaffleBoy!!
Hey Gasmi, a quick question, do you like vampires? Okay, that’s a dumb question, because of course you do; everybody loves vampires. From the tweens and their affection for glitter-in-the-sunlight-Jonas-Brothers-level-chastity vampires, to middle aged guys with quiet porn fetishes that require women to wear trashy spandex and fake fangs, all the way up to residents of assisted living facilities who were nursing crushes on Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows back in the day, everybody loves them some blood sucking freaks.
Well how about another question, do you like neeked people? Don’t worry, I’m not talking normal people naked, or even the typical people who insist on going to nude beaches every weekend, showing all of their appalling parts for the whole wide world to see. I’m talking cable neeked here. I’m talking very attractive people who spend lots and lots of time in the gym or at plastic surgeons, or (hopefully) both. You know, cable neeked, the kind of neeked that has kept Cinamax on the air for over two decades? What’s that? You do like vampires, and cable neeked people? Well you need to make the jump, because hot damn, True Blood is back on the air.Okay, just in case somebody who’s never watched the show before has stumbled in here because of the promise of vampires and cable neeked people, I’m going to try to quickly lay out just what is going on around here. The world in True Blood is just like our regular world, only with vampires. Oh and the vampires live out in the open, because some Japanese scientists invented synthetic blood for them to drink.
Yes, that’s right, Japanese scientists invented synthetic blood. Synthetic blood along with Mecha-Godzillas and Hello Kitty are three prime examples of why Japan has, does, and always lead the world in batshit crazy scientific applications.
Anyway our story takes place in Bon Temps Louisiana, and the main character is a psychic waitress named Sookie Stackhouse who solves mysteries, because it really doesn’t take a full shift to haul hot wings and beer to people.
As for the rest of the main characters, there is Sookie’s brother, Jason Stackhouse. Jason cuts weeds for living, is dumb as brick, and suffers from a 24/7 case of the hornies. Then there is Sookie’s best friend, Tara, Tara is sassy and is constantly giving Sookie advice even though her own life is pretty much a complete train wreck. Sookie and Tara both work at a bar called Merlotte’s, and their boss is a nice guy named Sam who when the chips are down can turn into a dog. Finally there is Sookie’s boyfriend Bill. Bill recycles and is a vampire, guess which one is the more interesting character trait?
Now that you know who is who (well enough to get started) let’s go over what happened in the first episode of the new season, in case you missed it.
This season started right where the last season left off. Sookie, Tara, and Andy found a dead body in the back of Andy’s car. This was really embarrassing for Andy, because he’s the local homicide detective, which in the one profession in the world where being a self starter is frowned on.
It turns out the dead body was Miss Jeanette’s, who gave Tara and her mom fake exorcisms last season. Oh and her body was missing its heart, which went along way towards explaining the gapping hole in her chest.
Tara got hauled down to talk to the cops, and the main thing that came out of that was that Tara and her mom had another fight because Tara’s mom was more then happy with her fake exorcism and didn’t want to hear Tara bad mouthing Miss Jeanette and saying stuff like how she worked at a drug store, and slipped Tara and her mom ipecac and peyote. Tara’s mom was giving her a lot of grief when Maryann showed up to take Tara back to her place.
Maryann is a bit of a mystery. She lives in a big house on the edge of town and is very supportive to young people down on their luck, like Tara. Of course the first time we saw her on the show she was buck naked in the middle of the road standing next to a pig. Not that there is anything the matter with that, but that kind of behavior tends to raise more questions then it answers.
Tara isn’t the only one who’s involved with Maryann. It turns our Sam and her have a bit of a past too. Now we don’t know the whole story yet but what seems to have happened is that when Sam was a teenager, he turned himself into a beagle puppy, broke into Maryann’s house, had sex with her and then stole like a hundred thousand dollars out of her dresser.
Maybe now that Obama’s in the White House we’ll get some decent after school programs to nip this turning into beagle puppy stuff in the bud. Turning into a puppy is how it all starts, and before you know it, they’re running a Wall Street hedge fund into the ground. No wait, that’s go to prep school, get into an Ivy League School, get an MBA, and get hired by a friend of your dad’s; sorry, I always get those two confused.
Sookie and Bill had some issues too. Sookie was pissed at Bill because she found out he killed her great uncle who had molested her as a child. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Sookie is a little high maintenance. She was also a little peeved, because she found out Bill has a new house guest, Jess, the 17-year-old girl he had to turn into a vampire after he killed the vampire who was going to kill Sookie because she had found out he was stealing from a vampire bar by using her psychic powers on a bargirl. Oh in case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is pretty much how all new characters get on this show. Nobody meets at Boggle tournaments.
Sookie is all set to leave Bill, when he tells her she’s his miracle and has taught him to love again. This must be just what Sookie needed to hear to make up for killing molesting great uncles and having under aged vampire girls in the house, because Sookie and Bill head to his room to have a pretty serious session of vampire sex, that is extra heavy on the cable neeked for all parties involved.
When Sookie’s molesting great uncle
gets killed by Bill, passes away, he leaves all his money to Sookie. Surprise, surprise, Sookie doesn’t want anything from great uncle Bad Touch so she gives the money to her brother Jason. This works out good for Jason, because he just got invited to attend a leadership conference sponsored by his new cult, church but was a little light in the cashola department. Luckily a vampire threw his great uncle in a creek and drowned him. Help me out here, is this the appropriate time for a “praise Jesus!”?
Oh and last but not least, Lafayette, Tara’s cousin, who is a short order cook, vampire blood pusher, internet go-go dancer, and male hooker, gets abducted by vampires. Why? Here’s a hint, it has nothing to do with his cooking. Lafayette gets chained up in this creepy basement where he ends up spending time with a guy who gave him a lot of crap last season for being gay. Homophobe ends up getting all his blood sucked out and ripped into several smaller pieces when he slaps a silver cross on Eric, the resident bad ass non-recycling vampire on the show.
Okay, that was last week’s episode, ready for this week’s? Great, because we’ve got a lot of ground to cover and it’s not going to get any less silly or less weird, so let’s get to it!
This week’s episode starts right where the last one left off, with Eric the bad ass vampire sucking on what’s left of Homophobe like he’s a pixie stick. When Eric gets done his big concern is whether there is blood in his hair, because judging by the foil it looks like he was getting his highlights touched up. (Show of hands, was I the only one out there who had an “aw man” moment when we found out vampires sometimes dye their hair.)
Lafayette tells him there is a little bit, but red is in this season. Eric doesn’t want to hear about that, but he does want to ask Lafayette a few questions. Here’s another hint, they have nothing to do with doing the Watusi on a cam.
Bill and Sookie take a break in their makeup vampire sex to have a little talk about Jess. Sookie thinks she’s just a regular teenager. Bill points out Jess sleeps all day in the basement and sucks the life essence out of people. We’re going to give this one to Sookie. Luckily the director must have noticed things were getting a little boring, so Bill and Sookie start making with the sweet, sweet, vampire love again and we get another shot of Anna Pacquin’s boobs.
Back at the evil vampire hair salon, Eric is interrogating Lafayette about his drug pushing business. Specifically he wants to know if Lafayette knows about any V dealers in Texas because an even badder ass vampire has gone missing in Texas and Eric thinks it might be because of his blood. Lafayette tells him the email address he has for a Texas V pusher, PussyLover9@shemale.com, and hey, that face you just made? The exact same one all the vampires made when Lafayette told them. What are the odds huh?
Over at Maryanne’s place, Tara is having a little heart to heart with “Eggs” Benedict, this super hot guy who just happens to be right around her age and totally down with getting cable neeked with Tara. Tara’s not an idiot and grills Eggo on his past.
Well there is a lot going on with good old Eggs, for starters drugs. Eggo’s taken drugs, sold drugs, gone to jail for drugs, and although I’m not a hundred percent sure, I think at one point he might have been a drug. He’s also gone to jail for assault, armed robbery, and recording a major league baseball game for monetary purposes without the express written permission of the commissioner’s office.
Eggs is a mess. Eggs has issues. Eggo also has a waxed chest and about a 24 pack set of rock hard abs, so Tara can’t quite bring herself to take getting cable neeked off the table. Do you remember how earlier I said Tara isn’t an idiot? Well as of right now she’s never going to be a Jeopardy champion either.
Jason is doing pretty well at Bible camp. He meets a new best buddy named Luke on the bus ride there, and when they get to camp the
plastic people, husband and wife ministry team, Steve and Sarah tell everyone they been selected to attend the conference because their outstanding leadership qualities which make them ideal candidates to spread the gospel of the Lord. This is big news to Jason, because back home he pretty much functions as a human weed whacker with a perpetual boner.
Jason does well in the day’s big activity, a spirited game of capture the flag. What’s that? Why would people at a church leadership conference feel the need to play capture the flag? Well don’t you know that it is written that in the End of Times the fate of mankind will be decided in a game of red rover red rover? No? Godless F-ing heathen. Okay, moving on.
Sookie having tucked Bill into the coffin for the day is puttering around her house. She is trying to get her grandma’s stuff packed up, but she’s not making much progress, because the sweet old lady recently passed away. and Sookie still misses her. And when I say passed away, what I really mean is a serial killer who wanted to chop up Sookie for getting cable neeked with a recycling vampire chopped up her grandma instead. Anyway, Sookie finds an old picture of her, Tara and her grandma which gives her an idea.
Sookie heads down to Merlotte’s and asks Tara if she wants to move in with her. Tara thinks it sounds like fun, but she is living with Maryann right now, things are pretty nice over there. In fact they are so nice, Tara wonders if maybe the whole situation is too good to be true. Hmmm Tara, a stranger has invited you to live in her mansion being waited on hand and foot while an unattached male model who just happens to live there too keeps hinting that any time she wants to start making the sweet, sweet love he’ll be ready to go? Nah, this sort of stuff happens all the time.
Tara tells Sookie she’ll think about the offer, but she has to get back to work. Hey, Tara’s a bartender, and daytime drunks need customer service too.
As Sookie is getting ready to leave she just happens to run into Maryann. This is one of those times when being a psychic comes in handy, because Sookie decides to sneak a peek inside Maryann’s mind. It’s pretty creepy in there, with some mumbo jumbo ancient chant droning on over and over, but then again it must be kind of refreshing for Sookie to not have to hear what people usually think when they meet her for the first time; “Natural blonde, my ass!”
Sookie makes some excuses about having errands to run and gets the hell out, but not without asking Tara to think about moving in with her. Sookie leaves and Maryann casually asks Tara if she is moving out. I’ve really got to give credit to Michelle Forbes, the actress who plays Maryann here, because even though she’s talking like it’s no big deal, she shoots Tara a quick little look that says “are you sure you want to cross me bitch?” Rutina Wesley does some pretty fancy acting here too, because not to many actresses can pull off the “I just pooped an actual cinderblock” look, so kudos all around here.
Maryann decides to stick around the bar, and Sam’s as about excited of the prospect of that as he would be if someone offered to pull out his pubic hair one at a time with a set of red hot tweezers. Still, Maryann just told Sam he doesn’t have to pay back the 100 K he stole back in his lawless shapeshift into a beagle puppy days, so he really can’t refuse her service.
You know, Maryann is seven kinds of supernatural creepy, but her stock immediately rises in my book when she proceeds to order four entrees for lunch. I don’t know about you, but it’s always great when I find a kindred soul.
Back in the basement of the evil vampire hair salon, things aren’t going too good for Lafayette. He’s back rooming with the disassembled parts of homophobe when he notices something shiny sticking out of the end of one of homophobe’s legs. In a scene that goes on a little too long, Lafayette digs through the guys leg until he finds this shiny pointed metal thingamajig and then he uses the thingamajig to break the chain around his neck and make a run for it.
He doesn’t get too far. He gets out of the basement but the front door to the place is locked. A waitress with an even worse dye job then Sookie’s shows up with a gun. It turns out the vampires gave her special instructions to make sure Lafayette doesn’t pull a Free Willy on them. First Lafayette tries to charm the WWWDJTS (Waitress With a Worse Dye Job Then Sookie), but she’s not buying it, mainly because you know that all the Brut by Fabrage in the world isn’t going to cover up the funk of being stuck in a creepy vampire basement with what’s left of homophobe. Seeing as that wasn’t getting the door open, Lafayette then decided to go with the old “your hands are shaking too much to actually shoot me” bit, when BLAMO!
The WWWDJTS shoots Lafayette, and then proceeds to freak out something fierce, because she didn’t really think she had the guts to shoot him either. As a matter of fact she carries on so much that Lafayette finally has to tell her to STFU and get him a towel to stop his leg from bleeding. And that ends The Great 2009 Evil Vampire Hair Salon Basement Escape.
Back at Bible Camp, it’s later that night and after getting to hear some slutty Britney Spears Christian rock clone sings her creepy song about dating Jesus, Jason gets asked to come up on stage for a little role playing. Jason’s a little confused, because for a change, when he role plays people want him to keep his clothes on and not pretend to be Tommy the randy paperboy.
Jason is doing pretty good right up until the point where Sarah puts some fake fangs in her mouth and pretends to be a fake vampire. Jason freaks out, breaks an American Flag in two and almost impales Sarah with the jagged edge of the wooden flag pole. He gets a pretty good round of applause for this, so I’m guessing this is how The Church of Light wants the messengers of its gospel to handle these sorts of situations, but I’m thinking that maybe trick or treaters should skip Jason’s house this Halloween.
Sookie heads over to Bill’s house, but he is not there, so she decides to have a little heart to heart with Jess. Jess has just seen her folks on TV (who don’t know she’s a vampire, just that she is missing) and is feeling pretty homesick. Sookie, who as far as I can tell is physically incapable of not sticking her nose into business where it doesn’t belong, tells Jess that when Sookie misses her grandma she spends time in her room, because it kind of feels like they are close again.
Jess decides this is a great idea and asks Sookie to take her to her parents’ house, not to go inside, just to look at the house from a parked car. Sookie gets talked into it in about 10 seconds, because really all she’ll be doing is taking a 17 year old vampire to visit her folks who don’t know she’s a vampire, and honestly, when was the last time you heard of that situation turning out badly?
Bill is at the mall. It looks like he has gone to buy some new clothes for Jess, which given the fact that Jess’s clothes seem to either fall in the categories of Goth hooker outfits, or Mormon polygamy compound dresses, this is actually a pretty good idea. A saleswoman tries to sell Bill a belt masquerading as a belt which he turns down. The Saleslady figures out that Bill is a vampire and gets confused when he turns down her offer to go have vamp sex in an empty dressing room.
Just then Eric shows up with his new short non blood spattered hairstyle that Bill (and I) think looks pretty good. The saleswoman then decides that Bill is gay because he complemented another man on his haircut. Yeah, Skanky McWrinkles, being gay is the only reason a guy would turn down having sex with a 35 year-old sales “girl” at Forever 21. Anyway, Grandma Moses wanders out of the scene and Bill and Eric have a quick little talk.
It turns out Eric wants to take Sookie to Texas to help him look for this missing vampire. Bill is all hell to the no, even though both guys know for a fact that in a push come to shove situation, Bill really can’t do anything to stop Eric. Eric then leaves, and we never do find out if Bill found a new outfit for Jess.
Over at Merlotte’s things are getting a little weird. Everyone Maryann touches starts dancing and getting all freaky deaky with the other customers. Sam pulls Maryann into his office and tries to lay down the law telling her it’s his place and his town and not to mess with any of the people. Maryann responds to this news in a calm and rational manner, she turns Sam into a dog. Not only that, but she tells Sam she can do that whenever she wants, so he’d better keep quiet or she’ll make sure the whole town knows “doggy style” means something completely different for Sam then for everyone else.
It’s the end of the day for Jason at Bible camp, and while he’s flossing his teeth while not wearing a shirt, he gets confronted by his bunkmate, Luke. Luke’s pretty steamed because he’s spent years in prayer and abstinence getting ready to attend Camp Vamps Are Bad, and Jason is the golden child even though Jason thinks Moses walked on water and would need someone to spot him the C and the A to spell CAT. It’s actually a pretty legitimate beef, but really Luke, what are the odds they play capture the flag every day? Come to think of it, what were the odds they would play capture the flag at all? Anyway, Luke tells Jason to watch his butt, and Jason spends the rest of the scene spinning around in a circle.
Back at Fangtasia, Lafayette is laying on the couch in Eric’s office. Eric seems pretty disappointed about Lafayette’s little mad dash for freedom, like dinner time disappointed. Lafayette puts out an alternate plan. They make Lafayette into a vampire, and he’ll use his vast go-go skills to make Eric’s life easier. Eric’s intrigued by the offer, but before he can make a decision, it’s chow time. Eric and his vampire pals tear into Lafayette the way Al Roker used to tear into buckets of KFC before that gastric bypass surgery.
Over at Jess’s family’s house things aren’t going to good for Sookie. Jess stayed in the car for like 10 whole seconds before she was knocking on the door, and before you could say “oh this will end badly”, her mom had invited her and Sookie inside.
Still things aren’t going too bad, at least until Jess’s dad gets home. Yeah it turns out this bozo is an A-hole of biblical proportions and used to beat Jess with a belt. Oh, and when he finds out Jess is a vampire he pretty much accuses her of being a slut. Not surprisingly Jess decides to use her new vampire powers to turn her dad into a big gulp.
Just as Jess is about to kill her dad, the door explodes open. It’s Bill and he lets Jess know in no uncertain terms nobody will be eating their parents tonight, and then he pulls some hoodoo on Jess’s sister so she will invite him inside. Bill tells Sookie to leave, and shoots her a pretty hard core “Luthie you gots some ‘splainin’ to do” look, and after she leaves he shows his fangs to Jess’s dad. The end.
There you have it, a pretty gosh darn good episode, what did you guys think of it? Oh and here are some questions to think about too:
What do you think the deal is with Maryann? (My theory can best be explained if you google the words “Odyssey” and “Circe”, and you’ll get an idea where I think this plot line is going)
Who is Jason going to sleep with at bible camp? Sarah? That trampy singer? Steve? Steve and Sarah? It’s going to be somebody. Jason hasn’t had sex for two episodes now. Any more abstinence and his tiny pointed head may pop.
Do you think Lafayette is going to be the world’s best bad ass vampire-a-go-go?
Well I guess will all have to wait until the next episode, won’t we?