T&T: Winter Wonderland…Texas Style!

Hello Gasmii!  This episode of Toddlers and Tiaras features the Winter Beauty pageant in Center, Texas, which is actually to the east of everything in Texas, go figure. Run by Pageant Director Tonya Bailey TO WHOM YOU MUST LISTEN judging by her bulging eyes (thyroid issues?  Ask the doctor!) she tells us she used to compete in pageants in the 1970s and proves it with black and white photos.  Really?  In the 1970s?  All my 1970s pics are in color, I think.  My 1960s pictures are in black and white and in most of them I’m adorable, even charming, but I couldn’t talk then.  The 80s teen years?  Not so much.

For the talent portion, she’s going to be exorcised.

Anyhoo, she says she competed in glitz pageants with what passed for glitz “way back in ‘Nam,” which was basically church dresses.  Oh, glitz, how little we knew ye then.  “They didn’t spray tan,” she says, probably because it wasn’t invented and the Bain de Soleil skin cancer tour was ALL the rage and everyone actually used to tan “naturally” except me. I’m more the “burn, peel, freckle” kind of gal.

She lives in the Chamber of Secrets and speaks Parseltongue when not directing pageants.

Tonya tells us that her favorite thing about pageants is that, “Once you’re a queen, you’re always a queen.”  Even Ryan Seacrest?  Actually, she does have a point!

In Greenwood, Louisiana we meet 10-year-old Brooklyn and her mother Brandy who says Brooklyn is “The bomb dot com.”  Okay, already I hate you.  Brooklyn tells us she won ultimate grand supreme at her last pageant, “Because I’m beautiful.”  Wow, seems like you might have thrown a little extra salt on that slice of supreme pizza.  Domo arroganto, Mr. Roboto.

And exactly how stoned are you?

Brandy tells us that Brooklyn is “a little different” and “unique,” which is usually code for “something ain’t right.” And it ain’t.  Brooklyn pics up her guitar and sings a little ditty called “Pageant Queens are Weird,” then proclaims she’s weird and a dork.  Which I would make fun of if I didn’t use the word dork to describe myself, and now I wonder if I need to be on Ritalin as much as this kid proves she should be.

Brooklyn then scares us and excites every pedophile watching by saying when she gets scared at pageants she imagines the judges with just their underwear on.  “Big, giant people with underwear,” she says.  Every pedophile watching is now headed for Greenwood, Louisiana.

Brandy continues the scare tactics by telling us she and Brooklyn have their own language and it seems to include both of them dancing like ho’s – pushing their front sides forward like Fly Girls and it’s pretty clear Brandy is not very flexible.  Hope she doesn’t tear a rotator cuff or rupture a disc.

In Mexia, Texas, we meet single mom Jessica, who should clearly consider spending what little money she probably does have not on pageants for three-year-old Kayleigh, but instead on things like food and shelter.  Just a thought.  Kayleigh is adorable but there is a real sadness in her face that I find kind of unsettling.  It’s like she has an old soul.

Kayleigh tells us she doesn’t have a lot of trophies that she “likes.”  What kid says things like that?  Jessica tells us that Kayleigh is very smart for a three year old (which means not at all).  Kayleigh proves how smart she is by counting four trophies first as only three, then as five.  Yep, Einstein, this one.  Jessica tells us Kayleigh is strong willed which translated means BRAT.

Thirty-seven, fifty-two, one hundred and seventy three…

And finally we meet unfortunately-consonated beyond all belief Brittannie, age 9, from Warren, Texas.  She’s only been doing pageants for 2 years and after winning the first time, “things escalated from there.”  Mom Randie has made almost everything Brittannie has worn to pageants and damn, woman can sew!  She says when people tell her daughter she looks good in one of her outfits, it gives Randie a sense of accomplishment – and honestly, it should!  She should make them for other people, she could make a fortune.

Adorable girl.  Think she’ll let me borrow a crown for the weekend?  She has a houseful of them!

Back in Greenwood, Brooklyn’s dad is the voice of reason when he says she looks too old in some of her pageant clothes, particularly the one where she’s wearing thigh-high socks and baring a midriff.  What I love is that there is a huge deer head in the living room and the deer doesn’t look particularly thrilled with Brooklyn’s ensemble either.  My dad has a 9-point head in the garage despite my numerous efforts to get him to mount it in his bathroom.  Just think of the all the hooks for underwear and washcloths you’d have with a 9-point!

I’d rather be fishing.

Back with Einstein, a.k.a. Kayleigh, who is practicing with her mother and her “G-Momma,” otherwise known as Grandma.  Turns out Kayleigh’s grandmother felt she was too young to be called Grandma, mostly because she is.  I guess I’d be looking for a different moniker too if my stupid daughter got knocked up young and out of wedlock to some douchebag who clearly has not stuck around.  Can you feel the tolerance?  It’s almost palpable.

Jessica says, “I’m a single mom…right now,” she jokes, meaning she’ll probably be pregnant with missing dad #2’s baby as soon as someone sweet talks her.  “Hopefully, it won’t be for long, hint, hint,” she says.  Yes, because if there are two things straight, non-pedophile men do, it’s watch this f#cking show and go to beauty pageants.  You’re sure to hook up with a good one now.  Dumbass.  No wonder you got knocked up.

“Step-step turn to the front,” Jessica instructs her Baby Einstein, who turns the wrong way.  “To the front,” she says.  Yes, she is smarter than most three year olds, in Bizarro World.  Kayleigh then lays down on the floor and doesn’t want to get up.  Sweet.

Over with BritTanNe!*, her teenage brother is practicing with her since he’s going to be joining her onstage because he’s totally and completely nice or gay.  I’m going with gay, that’s more fun.  J’adore dad Harold who compliments his wife (at least I think) by saying she has a “real vivid imagination on these outfits.”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s pride.  He seems like a nice dad who is amused by all this girl stuff.

You girls make me laugh!  J’adore Harold…

Brittannie puts on her Queen of Hearts outfit and damn, that thing would rival any costume in a Tim Burton movie or family picture.  I don’t know if Randie made the cards but they look glittered or bedazzled and they are spot-on.  The hooks that go over Brittannie’s shoulders dig in and Brittanie says, “My mom says it’s hurtful to be a pageant girl.”  It’s hurtful to be a mean girl, too!

Okay, Randie gets a little tooooo into things when she explains what Brittannie is supposed to do…”Who’s been painting my roses red!” she says over and over while prancing all over the living room.  She knows this is being filmed, right?  Brittannie doesn’t do it with as much passion.  Too bad.

Oh Lord, Brittannie is dolled up with huge hair and an Olivia Newton-John “Let’s Get Physical” headband and tons of hairspray to boot. It’s for a photo shoot…from hell, I’m guessing.  Then we hear something growl and her mom says, “Hear it?”  Is it one of the hounds of hell, guarding the door?  No, it’s her donkey braying because he’s hungry.

And scared shitless.

Brittannie heads out to feed both her donkey and horse that she got from her dad – see?  He’s a good egg and probably a really hard worker and regular church-goer.  Brittannie says she’s probably the only pageant girl who feeds her animals full glitz, but let me assure you they are having NONE of it.  I mean, I’m sure they are skittish by nature, but to see that head of hair and bandana (probably made out of animal) heading their way spooks the shit out of them.  And I could really use that manure for my roses, they are being fussy little bitches this summer.

Back with Brooklyn who is at the salon to get her eyebrows tamed.  They also brought along dad (who stays in the background) and their dog, what looks to be a minature Doberman or something.  Why do huge people always have the tiniest dogs?  Don’t they know the butt-squishing factor?

Brandy tells us they’ve just graduated to waxing because the razoring-off of her eyebrows hurt.  Yes, because waxing something is like being kissed by AND after the Brazilian.

After she’s waxed up, she says she doesn’t want to go through with it.  Oh, honey, it’s like pregnancy after the third month, you’re in until the end, sucker!  She holds a wet wash cloth on her face and says it hurts.  Damn right it does!  It’s the real world, get used to it!

Sucks to be you!  And those little hairs!

Back with the genius, G-Momma is attempting to comb Kayleigh’s unruly locks and it is not going well.  G-Momma says she’s going to braid Kayleigh’s hair and add extensions to the braids.  Because she probably doesn’t need those vaccinations this year.

I’m Popeye the sailor man, I live in a frying pan…

Initially they extensions look tacky, but G-Momma does a pretty good job making sure it all looks real.  Kayleigh says, “I’m not a Diva, I’m Kayleigh!”  We’ll see about that.

Brittannie is having her photos done and her mother tells her to suck in her stomach.  The kid is tiny, you might want to withhold the weight comments until she’s a teenager to make bulimia part of her whole teen experience.

Okay, I love this family but this outfit sort of makes her look like a stripper – it’s the white headband and the outfit is a little slutty Native American or Barbarella-ish.  These pictures are sure to give anyone a creepy vibe, especially the pouty ones.  Ew!  I’m so skeeved out!  Even worse?  They show the re-touched photos – her face is totally airbrushed and looks fake.  Ick!

Someone with candy, a  puppy and windowless van is totally coming for this kid.

Brooklyn is getting tanned as her mother says, “I always say beauty is skin deep but ugly’s to the bone.”  Uh-huh.  And where does fat come in?  Or does that just “nicely marble” the ugly?  Because you’re kinda both.

Brooklyn is getting spray-tanned at home and clearly the color they’ve chosen is “Iman,” because it is waaaay to dark for someone so fair.  She is going to look like the opposite of blackface when they are done.  Then her mother sprays a six-pack on her – I hope they rub that in.  Oh, they do…with a roller.  And when it’s rolled under her arms, her underarms turn greenish because she’s wearing deodorant.

What, no tanning classes at the local rec center?

Oh my God, that tanning liquid is running all over like watered-down paint.  Is she using a spray-tan machine or a pressure washer?  “She has green underpits,” Brandy jokes.  Underpits?  That even sounds gross.  Put your arms down for Christ’s sake.  And?  Nice totally white face with a Sri Lankan brown body.

Pageant day!  They are expecting 50 contestants…WTF?  That’s it?  Fifty?  Well, when you see where Center, Texas is (population 6000), that actually makes sense.  Bug-eyed pageant director Tonya tells us that the competition is in Winter Wear, Outfit of Choice and the hopelessly-named Talent portion.

First to get ready is Kayleigh and she’s kind of whining through the whole thing.  Then she says the quote of the show when she looks at the pink glitter they are about to apply to her, “That’s for a clown!”  A clown indeed.

Jessica tells us that getting Kayleigh ready makes her nervous but I think what she means is watching her mother do ALL the work makes her nervous and probably hungry.  She must be too busy off meeting baby daddy #2 to actually participate in getting her kid ready.  Maybe if mom had been there with a condom at zero-hour so you didn’t have to find one ON YOUR OWN she wouldn’t be taking care of your kid now.  Meh!

Brittannie and her brother are practicing and the truth is, they suck!  Either they are screwing around or big brother is going to kill Brittanie by dropping her on her head and rendering her a quadriplegic.  Randie says she hopes when they get onstage they pull it together.  Because if they don’t it’ll be veggie stew for the rest of Brittannie’s life!

Brain damage is fun!

Brooklyn’s dad would rather be out hunting but since his wife guilted him to be on reality TV, he has decided to come watch Brooklyn.  Good thing they got it on tape, because after this he is going to need the Silkwood Scrubdown™ all dads need after this or playing dress up and tea parties with teddy bears.

Tonya tells us that the Winter Beauties pageant is different because they are not looking for the whole package.  No, I kid!  It’s because they forego the glitz dress portion of the program in lieu of “Winter Wear,” which is basically glitz dresses if all the girls lived in Zhivagoland.  Think glitz snowbunnies.

Has anyone seen my Spanx?

“These are usually custom-made dresses where the girls come onstage and really show their personalities off,” Tonya says.  Or they show what they are wearing and are judged by who’s richer.  I won’t lie…some little one is sporting a long white A-line dress with a red fur wrap and I immediately think that a winter wedding would be awesome, then I get all itchy and remember the remote is all mine.

It’s like classic Ralph Lauren in miniature.

Resident ‘Mo Judge Jasper tells us the pageant is more casual due to the lack of a beauty walk.  “It makes it harder to judge because the girls all look…” and I swear to God, he says, “si-moo-lure.”  Way to go, Texas schools.

Draaaamaaaa! Kayleigh wants to go onstage by herself.  She is wearing a black and pink ensemble and the skirt is fluffy like my peonies in summer – j’adore!  But again, she has such a sad look about her.  It’s like Mother Theresa in glitz, unnerving.  Kayleigh gets onstage and she rustles that skirt all over the place.  She shimmies and shakes and does the Home Alone face.  She does have a beautiful face, she just needs to smile more.

Like a frosted cupcake!

Brittannia’s mother tries to put pierced earrings on her but the hole has closed up, so she keeps pushing and pushing and the poor thing starts crying.  Damn!  No one can see her ears with that head of fake hair, let it go!

Uh-oh, trouble in Brooklynland!  She’s crying because her lacy dress has some kind of metallic in it and the dress is ungodly itchy.  It’s probably just lead and it’s seeping into your pores.  Chinese kids eat that for lunch so suck it up and get onstage.

Or maybe it’s itching powder because she says it feels like it’s gnawing off her skin.  That would be an awesome horror movie.  Turns out Brandy was supposed to fix it and she didn’t.  You know Santa is watching you, right?

Holy shit, Brooklyn walks out and has the most perfect stance and face – total package.  How did she do that without freaking out and scratching like she has jock itch?  Impressive.  Brooklyn says, “Pageant kids are like trained people.”  I think she means “poodles.”  “We know how to smile on cue,” she says.  No, that’s called a desperate housewife.

Wow, that is some major poodling.

As soon as she gets offstage they tear the dress off her.  Guess we won’t be seeing that one again.  Hope they were able to unload it on eBay before this episode aired.  Sucker!

Brittannie is up next and she’s in her slutty Native American contest.  She seriously looks like a girl who grew up too fast and it’s very uncomfortable.  Her dad is there and says he’s proud of her – that’ll be her saving grace, having an involved dad.  Like Chris Rock says, the only real job a dad has it to keep his daughter off the pole.  I think Harold will accomplish that no problem and this is a good family.  Still, burn that outfit, it’s just not right.

Miss January will be featured at Bada-Bing on Saturday night and for the Sunday brunch matinee.

Next up?  Talent.  G-Momma is trowling blue sparkly eye shadow all over Kayleigh while Jessica looks on.  I guess two people can’t work on the kid at once, but she ought to run out and get popcorn or something – make herself useful for once.  She says she’s tired and I have to ask, from what?  All you’ve been doing is putting an ass-grove in the chair.  Kayleigh flicks a lipstick.

Finally!  A pageant theme I can get behind!

Talent is next.  One baby dances behind bars, I’m assuming to “Jailhouse Rock.”  I do like the baby behind bars idea.  Making a snowman, even a fake one, is NOT talent, and neither is dancing like a hooker.  I will give a pass to the kid kicking like Mulan only because she might kick my ass if I don’t.

Kayleigh is doing something called Little Boy Blue.  I have no clue what it is so let’s go to the video.  Oh, it’s her sitting down doing nothing.  The music starts and she doesn’t doing anything.  “Get up! Get up!  Get up! If you want your strawberry shortcake, get up!”  Jessica threatens.  Kayleigh starts crying.  There’s your Little Boy Blue – a crying diva.  Again, not so much talent as much as it is a three year old who is in desperate need of a nap.

I bet she practiced a lot for this routine.  Call it a hunch.

Judge Jasper pontificates that Kayleigh didn’t do anything and that will affect her score.  Yeah, thanks Real Men of Genius.  He says if someone gets up there and chooses not to perform they won’t get any points.  I don’t think she so much CHOSE not to perform as much as she freaked out.  As they take Kayleigh down the hallway we hear her say, “I need to pee.”  Been there!

Brooklyn is up next and she’s doing a hip-hop routine that is a little too sexy and let’s face it, girlfriend is white.  Brandy says she could have had more energy, but maybe the lead from the lacy dress is slowing her down.  Let us know if she starts gnawing on any windowsills.

The only way she could be any whiter is if she were ME.

Brittannie is up in her anachronistic nightmare of starting out as a USO bugle player from the 1940s an ending up a flapper from the 1920s.  Again, Texas public schools, you make me want to play in traffic.

Christopher Reeve was a pusssssyyyyyyy!

Woo!  There she goes!  Her brother whips her around his back and they do a great job.  He flips her over and interviews that he heard people screaming and clapping and “It was almost like a dream come true.”  Hope your dad is okay with your lifestyle…knowing Harold, he will be.  Also, the neon lights are bright on Broadway and jazz hands are your friends!

Brittannie sounds like one of our local meteorologists with her prediction:  “I might win, I might not.”  You know, she’s right.  There’s a 50% chance she’ll win and a 50% chance she’ll lose.  It’s six to one, half dozen to the other.  Her chances are half and half.

Outfit of choice!  Jesus, this is a long pageant but I guess with only 50 girls, you have to stretch it out to make sure everyone gets their entrance fee’s worth.

Brittannie is doing Queen of Hearts and she looks awesome.  She turns and one of her cards decks the girl behind her (get it? decks?  Oh, I crack myself up, but only because the dogs don’t talk).  Brooklyn is in her thigh-highs and they’ve managed to double-side tape them to her legs to make sure the pedophiles don’t get too excited.  Kayleigh is not participating, thanks Jesus, Mary, Joseph and stable animals.

Brooklyn is up first and she does a little dance in a belly-revealing costume that makes her look like she’s a soldier nutcracker from, you know, The Nutcracker.  Her dad says, “She looks older,” and he’s not happy about it.  No kidding.

Can’t imagine why dad is worried.

Brittannie is up next but they don’t have her music.  Nothing sadder than seeing a good hand of some card game standing still and alone onstage.  The emcee asks if they had a backup CD and of course they don’t.  Instead, they play another song for her but cut it short so she doesn’t get to finish her routine.  Jerks!

Now she’s Queen of Broken Hearts!

She gets offstage and cries, saying she worked really hard.  Randie starts to cry.  I get hungry for popcorn.  Judge Katie says, “Every now and then you have technical difficulties but I think she did a great job.”  You might want to mention that to her.

The O-face can only mean one thing:  Time for crowning!

Crowning!  Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all for moving this along.  Two to three-year-olds first.  Princess Award?  Not Kayleigh!  Princess Award #2?  Not Kayleigh.  Princess Award #3?  KAYLEIGH.  Wow, really?  Even with a zero in talent?  Well, this pageant certainly has high standards.

Just wait until I tell Oprah and Gayle about this travesty!

Crowning for the 9 and 10 year olds…Princess Award?  Not our girls.  Princess #2?  Not our girls.  Queen?  Not our girls, which means they pull out to be in the running for supreme titles.

When did Attack of the 50-foot Woman arrive?

The top 10 contestants are invited onstage and Brooklyn and Brittannie are among them.  This one is tough – they are both good kids and did really well.  Normally I have a favorite but I thought they both did a great job…Grand Supreme is…BRITTANNIE!  YAY!  Harold calls her beautiful and I continue to love his total dad-ness.

Brittannie’s win is hampered only by the death grip Tonya has on her crown!  First Lisa Fulgham, now Tonya!

The Ultimate Grand Supreme…it has to be Brooklyn, that kid was polished like fine silver.  It’s…BROOKLYN!  Second pageant in a row for her to win the top title and it’s so great her dad was there to see it.

Yeah, she deserved it for the lead in her dress.

Randie tells Brittannie she’s proud of her while Jessica complains that she and Kayleigh are tired.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure your MOTHER did most of the work.  Brooklyn tells us she cried today, thought about bacon, and won ultimate grand supreme.  Uh, wait.  You thought about bacon?  Because why now?  Oh, you kids today with your iPods and MyTwitFace and bacon.  I just cannot keep up.

I wish you were a side of bacon!

Next week is the “Show Me Smiles Fantasy Pageant” in the Show Me state of Missouri. Can’t wait to see those flippered smiles!