TV Patrol: FAT Sunday

When did FAT become entertainment? Tonight, at 8pm, is the premiere of “RUBY” a new show on STYLE Network. We get to watch this southern belle who is addicted to Paula Deen’s cooking, go from doctors to the gym while she trims the fat from her 477lb frame, without surgery.

TLC is also airing FAT shows tonight. “Woman with Giant Legs” airs at 8pm. “World’s Heaviest Man” is on at 9pm followed by “Shrinking the World’s Heaviest Man” at 10pm. I blame cows. Ever since we started eating them, they’ve been fighting back with BUTTER. They are the devil in disguise. Now I know why they are sacred in India, those people know! I’d say “Let’s jump” but my fat-ass can’t, so just sit there at your computer, and click on the line below & forget about all that jumping. You could pull a muscle…….

You’re beautiful, baby!

Hi, I’m glad to see you clicked. I went and made a BLT. I’ll show those cows. I’ll eat pigs! While laying on the couch last night, eating cupcakes (red velvet w/ cream cheese frosting), and not finding a f*cking thing to watch, I realized how much I look forward to Sunday night. I can gorge myself on the finest TV has to offer. It is like a buffet. The choices make your mouth water. Everything from cartoons (Simpsons) to whorehouses (Desperate Housewives), home improvement (Extreme Make-over) to teeny-bopping (Hannah Montana) & the icing on the cake (or cupcakes) , blood-splattering, body-chopping, fang-biting, vampire-draining drama!!! (Dexter & True Blood). It is truly a feast for the eyes.

Let’s go over the menu & place our order.

Don’t forget to save room for dessert….

ABC:

“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” at 8pm. (new) I’ll pass on this, too much fiber.

“Desperate Housewives” at 9pm. (new) A real seafood platter, but nothing’s fresh. Canned tuna & frozen crabcakes.

“Brothers & Sisters” at 10pm. (new) Beer nuts & cashews

CBS:

“Amazing Race” at 8pm. (new) The finest exotic cuisine available in one sitting. You can sample everything from scrambled ostrich eggs to broiled camel lips sauteed in a spicy orange sauce.

“Cold Case” at 9pm. (new) If you’re a sandwich lover like me, this serves up the best cold cuts available, from aged pastromi to cured corned beef with a pickle.

“The Unit” at 10pm. (new) It’s like a family picnic at a military base.

FOX:

“The Simpsons” at 8pm. (new) Spaghettio’s straight from the can.

“King of the Hill” at 8:30pm. (new) Propane broiled burgers.

“Family Guy” at 9pm. (new) Boxed mac & cheese.

“American Dad” at 9:30pm. (new) Freedom fries.

NBC: “Sunday Night Football” at 8:15pm. NY Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles. “Ice Cold Beer! Get your Ice Cold Beer here!”

CW: It’s all leftovers!!

“In Harm”Way” at 7pm. (repeat)

“Valentine” at 8pm. (repeat) It got thrown in the trash.

“Easy Money” at 9pm. (repeat)

DSC:

“Bear Feeding Frenzy” at 8pm. Salmon Sushi.

“Crocodile Feeding Frenzy” at 9pm. Antelope Sushi

“Storm Chasers” at 10pm. A ‘blizzard’ from Dairy Queen.

Disney: “Hannah Montana” at 8pm (new) Bubble Gum!

E!: “The Girls Next Door” at 10pm. (new) Mounds of ripe Melons! Hef (dried-up turkey neck) has to choose the 55th Playboy Playmate of the Year.

MSNBC: “Witness to Jonestown” at 9pm. (new documentary) Revisiting the 1978 mass suicide at Jim Jones’ compound in Guyana. Definitely Kool-Aid.

FOOD:

“FoodNetwork Challenge” at 8pm. (new) Italian Family Feast! This is self-explanitory. Three top chefs make the best Itailian dinner for their family. Pass the garlic bread, I’m in meatball heaven! I’m hungry just thinking about this show.

“Iron Chef: America” at 9pm. (new) Bobby Flay & Chef Armstrong make me crazy with their fancy dishes, which I’ll probably never eat. This show doesn’t make me hungry. It’s only plus is Alton Brown’s commentating.

“Chef Jeff Project” at 10pm. (new) Cookin’ in the Hood. Chef Jeff calls it ‘Urban Cuisine’, not to be confused with ‘Lean Cuisine’.

VH1:

“Rock of Love: Charm School” at 9pm. (new) No tea & crumpets here. More like “Mad Dog 20-20″ and “Ho Ho’s”.

“The Pick-Up Artist 2″ at 10pm. (new) I think we’re going to the drive-thru at McDonalds. “Want fries with that?”

Ok, it’s time for DESSERT! Did you save room??

HBO:

True Blood” at 9pm. (new) Watching this show is like eating all the foods that are bad for you. Decadent & rich with fat calories. It’s a smorgasbord of sins & deliciously satisfying, yet leaving you wanting more. It’s hard to push away from the table. You want just one more bite!

“Entourage” at 1opm. (new) Salad bar that needs refilled. The lettuce is limp.

“Summer Heights High” at 10:30pm. (Series Premiere) Austrailian high school comedy. Shrimp on the barbie & Foster’s beer. (original, not a US version).

ShowTime:

“Brotherhood” at 8pm. (new) It’s kinda like a ‘Mounds Bar’ vs an ‘Almond Joy’. Sometimes ya feel like a nut, sometimes ya don’t.

“Dexter” at 9pm. (new) Fried eggs & hot sauce. This is the forbidden fruit of TV. We lust after it. We want to taste it. We want to consume every bit of it. We can’t take our eyes off of it. It is sinfully wrong in every sense of the word, but still we long for it’s bittersweet delight. This is truly the devil & his apple, tempting us to take a bite. I’m in love with the butcher!

“Californication” at 10 & 10:30pm. (new) If you’re into edible panties and those lick creams or you like to suck chocolate syrup out of a belly button or whipped cream off of titties or even use bananas & carrots as sex toys, this is a show for you. But David Ducoveny shows up and ruins the mood.

Have you decided what you are going to order tonight? I hope I’ve helped you through the menu. The choices are all so tempting. Maybe you can get your favorites and save the others for later. Get them to-go. Set the DVR and curl up on the couch later and enjoy.

I have to go. All this food talk has made me hungry. I think I’ll make a burrito & stretch out on the couch. Oh, I just noticed something! There are Oreos & Pop Tarts on the counter. Gotta go!

love

chooch

PS: ABC has announced that “LOST” will be back on Jan. 21st at 8pm. The night starts with a season recap, followed by the Season #5 Premiere at 9pm & another new episode at 10pm. Three whole hours of “LOST” all in one night. And it’s back on Wednesdays too!!!