Sundays in the Park with George

How has the season stacked up so far for Desperate Housewives? Well if the critics are any judge it’s a bit of a letdown. “Edging toward vapidity� is the term being bandied about. Edging? It’s a nighttime soap starring Teri Hatcher, Nicollette Sheridan and half the cast of Melrose Place. People should stop expecting M*A*S*H and realize we are dealing with more of an After M*A*S*H. I mean the parallels between Teri Hatcher and Jamie Farr’s careers are positively eerie.

That being said, will the season pick up? Will we finally jettison the idiotic “who’s in the basement?â€? story line (Answer = no one cares) and move on to something more, I don’t know, interesting? Well don’t look at me to answer that question. I always thought the show was vapid. But since 80% of my television viewing habits consist of reality shows and the Food Network (Alton Brown is god), who am I to judge?We open this week’s episode in what can only be described as the most poorly designed prison in history. Gabrielle is walking in to visit Carlos in jail, and the visitor’s entrance for some reason runs right through the prison yard, with only a chain link fence and about a foot of clearance on either side. The kind of prison that would take Andy Dufresne about ten minutes to break out of, but not before he brooded about his life for a few months. This of course is all designed as a plot device so we can see the inmates ogling Gabrielle as she enters each week for her visits with Carlos. And it’s quite funny seeing the ABC Sunday television version of horny inmates. It’s so PG it’s almost quaint. You half expect them to scream “You are so darn pretty gosh dangit!â€? A far cry from the world of Oz with its graphic depictions of gay sex. Man, an HBO Desperate Housewives would have a totally different demographic.

Gabrielle is walking with her lawyer into prison, demanding that he get her conjugal visits. I’m not sure why, other than the writers can’t think their way out of a paper bag, but for some reason he refuses this simple request. So they get into a heated argument which results in Gabrielle slapping the lawyer after he insults her. This riles up the lovable non-R-rated inmates (this is probably the prison where they keep all the people arrested for removing mattress tags or illegally downloading the latest Clay Aiken CD). The men that are less than a foot away behind the flimsiest chain link fence imaginable. Seriously, this whole scene is laughable. I think they filmed it outside the ABC commissary with paper mache fences. Of course on Disney-owned ABC land, a riot is seeing the lawyer get playfully poked with the end of a broomstick to the merriment of all. Over at FOX, however, a riot involves stabbing guards to death and attempted gang rapes. And in HBO land, it’s the same as FOX, only minus the “attempted” part, and there’s no women present.

When we see Gabrielle meeting with a new lawyer, named David Bradley, to help her take on the case, the guy turns out to be a cross between Fabio and Max Headroom. Why the other lawyer refused to help with something as simple as a conjugal visit is never really talked about, but whatever. Long story short she ends up hiring him, and she gets her conjugal visit so she can do the boom boom with Carlos. The whole storyline is actually quite dull. Now I see where the term “edging toward vapidity� comes into play. At least Days of Our Lives had a Victor Kiriakis to spice things up. Oh, how this show needs a Victor Kiriakis.

M-M-M-ax Headroom!.

As Lynette comes home after a long day at work producing the hit show Sportsnight, she finds out that Parker, the one son she has left after the twins apparently got written out for asking for more money, has an imaginary British nanny named Mrs. Mulberry. Apparently using Mary Poppins would have cost them a fortune. He even set out a plate of dinner for her. Her husband Tom tells her not to worry about it. But then Lynette wants to know why Mrs. Mulberry’s dinner is bigger than hers. Maybe Mrs. Mulberry is one of those graphically obese people that you see on Springer? You know, the ones that you have to cut the wall down in order to move. And Parker is her enabler.

The next morning, in an attempt to win back favor with her son, Lynette wakes up Parker to tell him that she’s going to take him out for donuts. That’s right, donuts. Continuing her streak as greatest mom ever, where last week we had her watching the kid go to kindergarten through a video screen from work, and now she’s waking him up so she can stuff him full of sugar. Maybe during lunch she can sneak him out of school for a quick smoke with mom. Menthol of course. Geez, it’s bad enough they named the kid Parker. Once they get in the car to go, Parker says that they forgot Mrs. Mulberry’s umbrella. Yeah, sure it’s sunny California, but being a British nanny, she needs an umbrella at all times. It’s how they do things over there. Lynette is forced to go back into the house and search for the umbrella. When she rushes back in we see the most startling image of the episode. It’s one of the twins! They’re back! Or maybe it’s just a really convincing work of CGI like Jar Jar Binks, Gollum, or Kirsten Dunst. When Lynette returns without the umbrella, Parker has a fit and storms out of the car.

Across the street, we see Mike and Susan kissing. When Mike pulls away he says he can’t keep doing the casual romance thing. Susan says that keeping it casual just means no commitment, and you can’t date anyone else. Teri Hatcher is like that crazy girl you dated in college. You know, the one you’d see walk down your dorm hallway every other day even though she lived nowhere near you.

Once Mike tells her he needs more, and for her to accept Zach, his psychotically crazy son that held her at gunpoint and stalked her daughter, she immediately relents. She is ruled by her cooch, which is surprisingly just as apt to get into all sorts of slapsticky misadventures. I remember one time when they were using this extended use condom but it was on backwards, and then when the doorbell rang and… well never mind. That’s for the soon to be revealed adult version of TVgasm’s site, where we do snark-filled reviews of all the latest porn movies. Sg-dub will be covering gang bangs, B-Side’s tackling girl-on-girl films and me, well, I’m into the freaky German stuff.

Speaking of fans of freakish fetish videos, we then see George outside Bree’s house where they have just finished up a night of being “friends.â€? Bree kisses George in his forehead, saying that it’s too soon after Rex’s death for anything else, meaning those lips will not go below the equator anytime soon. Andrew, Bree’s snotty kid, comes out and after Bree invites George to dinner Friday, he starts a shoving match with George. Can’t really blame him, it’s a nebbish dorky loser moving in on his mom less than a month after their dad died. And oh yeah, he’s the one who killed him. But we’re the only ones who know that. What isn’t a secret is the kid who plays Andrews’ lack of acting skills. That, unfortunately, is something we are all made painfully aware of.

The next day, when doing laundry, Bree blackmails Andrew into showing up at the dinner by threatening not to give him the money for an entrance fee to a school swim meet. So this town’s high school has swim meets where the entrance fees are so exorbitantly high most high school students can’t afford them? Does this make any sense at all? Oh man, it’s edging again!

Over at Parker’s posh private school they’ve brought Lynette in because Parker rammed a teacher with his umbrella because they wouldn’t give Mrs. Mulberry a seat. When the principal asks if there has been a death in the family recently (imaginary friends are usually created to cope with loss), Lynette breaks down in tears. She now realizes that it’s because she has gone back to work. We can now assume Lynette will fix this problem the way she fixes all her problems. By figuring out a way to lie to the people she loves. Looks like Teri Hatcher isn’t the only one with an eerie similarity to Jamie Farr.

At the Van De Kamp dinner, George is telling unfunny stories and Andrew seems to be eating it up. We’re talking King of Queens and Two and a Half Guys unfunny. Almost, dare I say it, Mind of Mencia unfunny. OK, OK, it’s not that bad. But it’s close. Andrew, it turns out, is faking it. Once Bree goes into the kitchen, he starts pushing George’s buttons by asking if he’s a virgin, and then giving an impression of his own mother’s moaning sounds during sex. And once again I am reminded how much better this show would be on HBO. Bree then comes back in the room with dessert. And it’s her favorite. As she takes a bite she starts making little squealing sounds that Andrew lets George know are the exact sounds she makes while having sex. Now I don’t know about you, but if I made the same sounds I make during sex when I’m eating my favorite food, I’d be banned from every Taco Bell in the tri-state area.

Once Andrew does this, George takes the bait and explodes, ordering him to his room. Since he isn’t Andrew’s dad, Bree takes Andrew’s side, leaving George further humiliated. And if there’s one rule to live by, It’s don’t put Baby in a corner. Also, George doesn’t like it either.

The next day Bree tells George that she can’t see him anymore because she needs to focus on Andrew. When George recommends sending him back to the “behavioral modification camp,� she refuses. The only thing that would make her do that is if he really got out of control. This gets George thinking….

Over at the park Susan and Mike are handing out fliers with Zach’s picture on it. When Susan goes off to get some ice cream she spots Zach. And what happens next is he and Susan confront each other in the most tense and brilliantly written pieces of television all year. Oh, c’mon! Who am I kidding! It’s Susan! Queue up the Benny Hill theme music, because its time for a wacky chase! Uh oh. Look out for those guys carrying that huge pane of glass across the street! And, look, a fruit cart. Don’t run into it! After the requisite Susan-embarrassing-herself moment of the week has wrapped up, she goes back to Mike and when he asks what’s the matter, she lies and doesn’t tell him she saw Zach. Not only that, she never even got to take a bite of her ice cream, since it flew everywhere in the madcap chase. This is sad because Teri Hatcher needs fat in her diet really, really badly. She looks like Skeletor, for god’s sake.

When she returns to the park later on, she spots Zach again, and this time she is able to convince him to have lunch with her so they can talk. Just when she is about to convince him to come back, Zach brings up his crush on Susan’s daughter Julie, and he gets that oh so familiar “I want to make a suit of human skin and wear it to promâ€? look in his eyes. Susan reacts to this by telling Zach he should go find his father (foster father, but he doesn’t know it, who’s on the lam for killing Mike’s girlfriend, who’s really Zach’s father, which caused blah blah blah….).

Since it’s been twenty minutes since we last saw Lynette lie to her children, let’s go check in on the Scavos, shall we? And whattya know, Lynette has stolen Parker’s umbrella and thrown it away. The next morning when Parker can’t find it, Lynette tells him it means that she went away to help another little boy. Since the kid isn’t completely devastated, as they are leaving the house they see the umbrella in the street. Before Parker can get it, it’s run over, “killingâ€? Mrs. Mulberry. Join us all next week as Lynette takes up smoking and puts out the cigarettes on Parker’s arms.

Over at the swim meet, George decides to put his latest nefarious plan into action. He shows up all smiles and gives Bree a present. It’s china that matches her pattern. Nothing gets this girl’s engine running like a matching china set. When she leans over to give him a thank you hug, George grabs her and holds the hug long enough so Andrew can see it. He’s obviously trying to goad him into attacking him, and it works. Andrew swims over, gets out of the pool and starts pummeling George. Of course his psychotic behavior will ensure that Bree will send him away to the behavior modification camp. George can now have her all to himself. Now before you get all upset at George, remember he is about the 4th most evil person on this show. I mean this episode has been a virtual cornucopia of horrible people doing horrible things to each other. Where’s the love? The show is not only lacking a good Victor Kiriakis, but a good Bo and Hope. And before you start asking “Why is EdHill acting like he watches Days of Our Lives?â€? let me just say I only know this from growing up because my mom watched it. So I’d catch a few minutes of it here and there before I went to football practice, or to get my latest badass tattoo or piercing. Yeah, that’s it. Hey, umm. How bout them Giants, huh? Think Eli Manning is the real deal? So…ah, I better wrap this recap up since I gotta go work out. Wednesdays are cardio and free weights.

So what have we learned this week? Well for me, I learned that I never want to live anywhere near Wisteria Lane, Teri Hatcher is still painfully skinny, and we were spared a week of that boring “who’s in the basement� storyline. What this show needs is a good guest star. I mean if Gilmore Girls can get Madeline Albright to do a cameo, why can’t we get someone like former Labor Secretary Robert Reich? The man positively oozes sexuality.