The Google home page word of the day is aberrant: abnormal.
There’s your education. Now, let’s make fun of ABC Sports! We open with Don Cheadle in a soundstage getting deep on our asses again – he did this to us last night at dinner. In person is one thing, but I have to tell you, on TV it’s creepy. Oh, Ray Romano is there, too. It’s not the deeps at all – it’s the jokes! Peyton Harrison is playing tonight, they say. They’re pretending to fight, calling each other by their last names. Damn, Ray pulls out the “Oscar loser.” D-Chead cries. Let’s go inside. Lotsa blue in the stadium – looks like we’ve got the Indianapolis Colts and the Somewhere Rams this time. Is this a dome? I think it is. I only say that because Al Michaels has a tank top on. It says “O.P.” Back in my day that was for Ocean Pacific. O.P. was awesome. JAMS were awesome. I’m awesome. (That’s been verified by science, by the way.)
Let me confess something. A lot of commentors last time said I should avoid learning anything about the NFL, as my ignorance played well. I did my best to keep to this request, but when I was on one of my boat-orgy websites (email me for the links), I accidentally came across some Minnesota Vikings knowledge.
Here’s all those beginning fireworks, etc. I’m turning it off for a second – last week watching it had me asleep by halftime and it looks like it’s going to be equally exhausting this time. While I’m away, let me explain my previous comments about the Vikings. I don’t go to a lot of orgies – maybe like 4 or 5 a month. Thing is, I’ve never been to a boat orgy, which is why I visit these boat-orgy websites. Well, the Minnesota Vikings got a bit naughty on a boat last week.
Seizure-inducer is over, and we’re back to Al. He says MikeMart, who is a person and not a Mike retail store, has died. Wait, it’s only a bacterial infection of a heart valve. His heart has the sniffles? Who is MikeMart? Whatever the case, he’s not there because of he couldn’t get anyone to watch the MikeMart, and they’ve only sold 7 Mikes this week, so it’s not like they can just close for a night.
Indy kicks off, and here comes Marc Bulger. What a name to grow up with. Hey, there’s Orlando Pace! I know his name because I went to The Ohio State University, too! For a whole quarter! Almost a whole quarter. Well, I was on campus. The truth is, while I was technically enrolled and living in Columbus, I don’t have a goddamn clue what the inside of a college classroom looks like. Probably a lot like a mix of the colors “boring” and “waste of time”.
Here’s the Indy guys on their fancy graphics intros – why don’t they act more excited? I’d be all like “FAUXMICHAEL!!!! UNIVERSITY OF BRAZIL!!! HELLO!!!!” I’m realizing I’m getting to the age, where even in my mid-20s, these guys are younger than me. It’s disturbing – in a few years I’ll be Superman’s age, and I’m not nearly ready to handle that level of responsibility.
Torry Holt has the nickname “Big Game” because he has big game with the chicks. Al Michaels says, and I’m not kidding, “T-holt gets lots of tang, John.” Madden doesn’t say anything. After a moment Al goes “aw yeah. I do too, y’know.” Nothin’ from Madden.
Stephen Jackson TOUCHDOWN!!! I thought he played in the NBA and had horrible, disastrous weddings. Is this a different guy or the next Bo Jackson? 7-0 Indy. Commercial.
Let’s talk about Peyton Manning. If you haven’t heard, Peyton allegedly gets down with Kenny Chesney, who just divorced Rene Scrunchyface. When I say “get down” I’m not talking about dancing, either…how can I put this subtley…I’m talking about hardcore man-on-man gay sex, okay? We’re back from commerical.
You know what’s hilarious? I thought it was Indy that scored, but it was the Rams. I’m going to leave the typo because frankly it‘s pretty funny. I’m just a normal guy. I make mistakes. I’m just like you, only WORSE. Anyway, I found out about my mistake when the Rams recovered the kickoff on a fumble, so they may score again. ST. LOUIS FIELD GOAL! YES!! 10-0 Rams. Al says that was “a whack attack, yo”.
We’re back in the RCA Dome following a commercial – I want another fumble. Let’s just do it over and over. Would the Colts quit if that happened for like 15 straight possessions? I would. I’d just be like, “hey coach, eff this man. We can’t hold onto the ball.” Well, it doesn’t happen and Peyton Manning has the ball Edderengine James has the ball run run run ooof! the referee has the ball now peyton has the ball again edderengine has the ball ref has the ball peyton manning has the ball melvin harrison has the ball ooof! FIRST DOWN! John talks about Peyton’s wrist bands and it sounds pretty gay to me.
Here’s an ad for the Jake Gyllanhall (sp) and Jamie Foxx movie “Jarhead.” I was supposed to go see a screening of this Sunday night and skipped it – I’ll never work in this town again, as they say. I still want to see it. I’m a sucker for strategic use of Kanye West music. My girlfriend uses it to get me to buy her things. Like last week it was to by her Kanye West tickets.
Diet Cherry Vanilla Doctor Pepper. That is horrible branding right there. Your product cannot be five words long. Shit, the game is back on. Fumble! Everyone is cheering! Al screams “touchdown mothafuckas!!!! J’yeah! J’yeah!”
St. Louis has the ball again, they score again, commerical again. I’m going to confess something – I thought the Colts were good, so I’m going to look at ESPN. Oh, they’re 5-0. That pretty good, so what wrong with them? I was ready for some football. Hey…and the Rams are 2-3! This is the biggest upset in the history of sports! One of the teams has the ball and there’s a penalty. The ref says “scribbly scribbly, mumblefeet, scribblybump.” Everyone knows what that means. God, football has changed so much.
Indy lines up for a field goal, and god bless him, Mike Vanderjack misses the kick. Here’s a history lesson: Mike Vanderjack was raised in a small town in northern Canada. The other children teased Vanderjack, because his name sounded off-color when it was nothing of the sort. Because of this, he killed them with his bare hands (and a gun). His mother found this unacceptable, and kicked Mike oot of the hoose. The young Canadian traveled to America (or Amair-icka as he pronounced it at the time), and that’s the story of how Mike Vanderjack became a professional football player.
Rams back on the attack. Stephen Jackson has the ball again – I’m guessing the Pacers are pissed he’s playing football. I should call and tell on him. INTERCEPTION!!! by Kato Kailin! For whatever reason, a Kato Kailin search brings up news on this 700-mile area of Oregon with free wi-fi internet access. They keep teasing me to move there, damn them. Between that and the nothing else in Oregon I like, I’m almost ready to move. (Disclaimer: I’ve never been to Oregon.)
Edderengine loses the ball! There’s some disagreement over whose ball it is, as tends to happen in situations like this. Edderengine doesn’t seem to care – I think he was into my idea about the 15 straight fumbles. Commercial – I’m going to eat some tuna. Let me ask something, and maybe you can answer for me in the comments section. For like the last 10 years probably, I’ve been a dedicated tuna eater – like right out of the can. Probably four times a day I do this. Everyone I’ve ever lived with thinks it’s weird. Is it, or do I just choose to live with weirdos?
Ooh! My guests are here! Finished eating just in time. These are my friends from my book club:
Clockwise from the panda, that’s Muffy, Alf, the turkey is Ricky Davis, then A-Diddy, Cookie Chicken, Ralfie, and the pumpkin is Bubbles. We’re in the middle of The Sound and the Fury. They’re going to watch the game, which is now at the 7:53 mark of the second. Bob Barker’s kid Brian is kicking for the Rams, and he’s 41. 41 years old – not like #41. I thought something hilarious would come out of me for that, but I’ve got nothin’.
2:00 warniing and the Colts are closing in. Al gets analytical, theorizing that fans want to see a touchdown. Then he gets dirty and says that more than that they want to see “Manning to Harrison”. Nice, Al. Way to spread rumors about Peyton Manning’s homo-erotic secret lifestyle with recently-divorced-from-Golden-Globe-winning-actress country music singer rumors.
TOUCHDOWN INDY!!! Al says Tim McGraw will be telling us about football at halftime. 17-14 Rams, and they’re going to play with these last couple minutes and try to score. They’re doing a nice job; John says the offensive line can get after you. Al says “like-a like-a bag a chips, wat-wat-wat-ungh.” He’s hosting an MTV awards show next year. FIELD GOAL RAMS!! 20-14 the STL. Their holder is named “Looker”, which might be gold for the recap. Let’s go to NFL.com and take a gander.
Not what I was hoping for. Here
Now there’s the Looker I wanted to find. By the way, don’t ever, ever, ever go to the Colts website. Your eyes will never be the same again. Also, don’t ever, ever, ever ask me why I went to the Colts website to find a Rams player. Remember, I flunked out of college. That all took me forever, and here I find myself in the middle of the 3rd quarter. Cookie is mad – he says I’m not paying attention to the group. The score? I have absolutely no idea, and it’s a commercial.
Here we are: 20-17 Rams. John says Peyton was arguing with his offensive line. Over ass-grabbing or crotch grabbing? Al says he “kicked it with the Pey-town” once, and he doesn’t think he’s gay. John has a pretty convincing counter-argument, explaining that he’s actually had sex with Peyton before. It gets pretty quiet after that, until Al says something about Star Trek that I completely missed. You know what would be funny? If Al and John were blogging about me blogging about them. We could link to each other!
Hey, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs are at the game. When can I blog NBA basketball? I’d like to try that!
The offensive line coach is trying to calm Peyton down. It doesn’t seem to be working, and the Rams are marching down the field. The Rams get bored, so they give up and give the ball to the Colts, who do their own marching down of the field and shove Edderengine into the enderzone. Indy 24-20. Whoops, forgot my TOUCHDOWN COLTS!!! Rams get the ball back and Kato intercepts AGAIN. He is SO GOOD. I haven’t seen a player like him since last week. He’s making boisterous motions with his arms. The book club loves this guy – I’ve never seen Muffy so excited:
Hey – Muffy says you guys should all go check out her Muffy Blog. John and Al flirt with Sam Ryan down on the field, and I have to tell you, she looks good tonight, especially if I squint. John teases her about being a size zero. She teases back about him being the size of a 10-unit apartment building.
How do I miss every score? I swear to you I’m watching the game. Maybe I’m just looking at it. There’s a difference. Regardless, 31-20 Colts. The better team is now winning. It’s the fourth quarter. 11:52 left, and I’m almost done. Commerical.
Dakota Fanning and a horse. What a weird combo for a movie. There has been plenty said about young Dakota, but let me add my thoughts, and please don’t take offense to this, because I know for a fact it’s true – I heard it from one of my fancy Hollywood friends. Back about 10 years ago, Dakota Fanning actually invented self-tanner cream.
Well, that’s two weeks of MNF recaps and I’ve managed to alienate Peyton Manning fans, my book club, college professors, probably 75% of the gay readers, and the entire city of Pittsburgh. As they say in the Twin Cities, I’ll always have my boat-orgy websites. What? Oh, Indy won 45-28, and Peyton and Martin Lawrence set some record.
Then they made out.
On his days off from recapping MNF for TVgasm, FauxMichael goes by The Cavalier, and blogs about the NBA for YAYsports!. If you go there, you can hear A Musical Tribute to the Milwaukee Bucks.