So I have a confession to make. I really wanted to like Desperate Housewives. I really did. Before I started recapping it this season I even went that extra mile and rented the entire first season on DVD to get up to speed. And the first season wasn’t really that bad. I mean, it wasn’t great and it still doesn’t deserve half the attention it’s getting, especially when there are other far more deserving shows toiling in obscurity (this seasons West Wing. Run Santos! Run!), but it was a passable nighttime soap. But this latest episode is just another stinker in a rather underwhelming season. Huge plot holes, storylines that go nowhere, blatant logical errors. It was just a mess. And in fact I have another confession to make. In order to make watching last night’s borefest palatable, I interspersed it between commercial breaks with playing the New Burnout Revenge on my Playstation 2 and drinking about two gallons of Diet Cherry Coke. It made for quite an interesting night I can tell you. So I apologize if there is some overlapping in the recap. Hey, at least I wasn’t drunk.The show opens on Lynette at work. During a presentation (so to answer the question “what the heck does she do?” we now know the answer is: advertising. Thanks for playing), she notices her boss Nina, played by Joely Fisher, a.k.a. The Fisher that wasn’t Princess Leia, is tense. And after repeated failed attempts at helping her relax, Lynette finally decides to take her out and help her do what everyone does to relax. Anonymous casual sex. Curiously enough I’m typing this at around 9am, really quietly so as not to wake upÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ what’s her name. Well I may not know her name but she didn’t know mine either, she kept thinking I was god. All night she just kept yelling “Oh god!” But enough about my night. The plan works as the boss comes in the next day relaxed and happy and wearing the same clothes she was wearing last night and with the stink of monkey sex enveloping her like a fog. No walk of shame for this girl.
Susan meanwhile is meeting with her overly clichÃƒÂ©d Jewish agent Lonny, played by the guy everyone remembers from Princess Bride. You know, the bald short guy with the lisp. Susan loves Lonny because he was the person that was always there for her through the rough times of her life. He invites her out to lunch where he makes her a proposal. He is going to start his own agency, and he wants Susan to be his first client. She quickly agrees, but when she mentions calling the current agency and letting them know she’s leaving them, Lonny tries to talk her out of it. When she presses him as to why, Lonny then admits that he was fired because he was “moving money around,” meaning he is an embezzler. Susan, being a moron, still agrees to go with him.
Over in jail, Gabrielle is showing Carlos her ultrasound, which must be at about 1 million times magnification because Gabrielle’s stomach is still flat as a board. I have a feeling the baby will grow at “soap opera speed,” where he will be born one season, and by season four he’s in high school. Soon their lawyer shows up; the hunky Max Headroom named David. Once he walks in the room Carlos immediately tells Gabrielle to find another lawyer, since Carlos doesn’t trust his wife around good looking men. Now of course this makes no sense because the man is in jail. Even if she isn’t banging the lawyer, Carlos is behind bars. She can bang any guy she wants anytime she wants and Carlos would never know or be able to stop her. This is indicative of the bad writing on this show. Half the stuff just doesn’t even make sense, and I’m using the extremely forgiving TV soap opera logic that lets Charlie Salinger get cancer on season three of Party of Five and then be fine in season four.
Later, Gabrielle has David come over for a meeting to try and convince him to stay on the case. David, being a slick Don Juan, simply walks into her house and starts to try and open up a bottle of her wine. Just like Johnnie Cochran used to do. David assures her that he will come up with something to convince Carlos to have him stay. And at the prison the next day we find out what. In another example of truly bad writing (which has become this show’s forte) David says that if he fires him, then he will seduce Gabrielle, and the only way not to have him do that, is keep him on. Does this make any sense whatsoever? Of course not. Is it even the slightest bit witty? Nope. It’s endemic of this show lately. It’s just a big steaming turd of a moment. Of course Carlos agrees, and David stays on. In other news, I got two revenge takedowns in one race on Burnout: Revenge. It gave me a gold medal and I was rewarded with the new modified GT Racer. It’s got a crash rating of SEVEN for god’s sake!
When we see Bree she is at the police station trying to get Rex’s body back. Detective Barton, playing “good cop,” lets her have the body back without putting up a fight. When she comes by later to pick it up, the detective then reveals the evidence he’s been keeping from her. Rex’s dying note where he admitted he believed Bree was poisoning him. When he tries to convince her to admit that she poisoned him, an enraged Bree just grabs the gurney with the now overused fake Rex body inside and leaves in one of her patented huffs. Rex’s body has had so much screen time at this point they should just start a spin-off show called “Rex.” Kinda like Weekend at Bernie’s. Every week the body can get into some sort of crazy mix ‘em up and it’s up to his new college frat boy roommate Brad and his pet monkey Scooter to get him out. Then at the end of every episode they all head to the Regal Beagle for a drink and the monkey starts flinging its poo. I would totally watch that.
This week we also get a return to what I have named “the most uninteresting subplot in television history.” I mean when you look at the long history of TV drama subplots there are some biggies. Is Higgins really Robin Masters? Will they be able to Trick B.A. Barackas into flying again? Is Screech bisexual? (Answer = Hell yeah.) But none are as boring as the “who’s locked in the Applewhite’s basement” storyline on this season’s Desperate Housewives.
Betty is over at Edie’s house dropping off mail that was accidentally left at her house. Edie says it happens all the time since the mailman had a stroke. How much you wanna bet that at some point this season the writers are going to need a plot device to have an important piece of mail go to the wrong house? Simply invent a ridiculous story about a forgetful postman and problem solved. You know that theory about a million moneys with a million typewriters being able to write the complete works of Shakespeare if given enough time? Apparently they end up writing this stuff first.
When Edie walks in the other room, Betty hears a news report about a 17-year-old girl named Melanie Foster who was murdered in Chicago four months ago. Hmmm. That was the same time the Vice President’s brother was murdered in a Chicago parking garage by Lincoln Burroughs. A coincidence? Who knows? But for anyone dying to see a better show, don’t forget Prison Break at 9 PM tonight. An all new episode. And then stop by TVgasm for the hilarious recap by sg-dub. Also, doing a vertical takedown in Burnout Revenge is really freaking hard. I’ve been trying all night but to no avail. All this Coke is making me jittery.
Once Betty sees the news report she rushes back home to find her son Matthew conveniently watching the same channel at the same time. Don’t these people have jobs? I mean reinforced steel basement prisons aren’t cheap. It’s a lot of upkeep. Trust me on this (and don’t get me started on the price of lotion and baskets with ropes attached). When she asks him if he saw the report, he says he has and then declares that that means “we’re in the clear.”
Later we see Betty sitting at her kitchen table writing a letter when she hears the dinner alarm telling her it’s time to feed the crazy person in the basement. And for the first time we get to see who it isÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.. and as suspected, I don’t give a shit. It’s some kid named Caleb and Betty tells him that he has to talk about what he did to Melanie. She can’t let him go until he accepts what he did to her. So did he kill her and Betty’s covering it up? If not, then who did kill her? Why didn’t they go to the police? Is Caleb her son? Once again I can’t possibly stress enough of how much I don’t give a flying F about the answers to these questions. This storyline is so boring. But what wasn’t boring was when I got a super sweet after touch takedown in Burnout Revenge.
Upstairs Matthew sees the letter she was writing and it’s to the Chicago police telling them that they have the wrong person arrested for the murder. And she writes in a weird boxy way so no one will be able to trace it back to them through her handwriting. Of course there are always fingerprints, DNA on the saliva in the stamp, the postmark, and all that other CSI crap we’ve come to know from the eight CSI shows on every week that they can use to track them down. But who knows if the writers are smart enough to realize this? As they argue, Caleb sneaks up the stairs (Betty accidentally didn’t fasten the door correctly when she went back up) and overhears them talk about how if they find him they will execute him no matter how “slow” they think he is. With that Caleb then slinks back to his underground prison.
Meanwhile, Susan is talking with Mike about how she is going with Lonny even though she knows he’s an embezzler. Mike disagrees and says that he doesn’t believe in giving people second chances, which makes Susan regret tricking Zach into leaving last episode. At this point my rage at this show reaches its apex. I mean for Christ’s sake Mike’s entire storyline is him finding his son. The son that kidnapped Susan and tried to kill Mike, yet he refused to press charges against him. But now he doesn’t believe in second chances? Worst. Writing. Ever.
When Susan later shows up at Lonny’s house, she sees that things are not looking good. His wife has left him and he admits he is destitute after having to pay all that money back. Are you wondering why the man was apparently caught embezzling multiple clients but is not going to jail? Don’t bother. We are in Housewives land, where up is down and down is up.
After Susan pressures him, Lonny finally reveals that he even stole from Susan. She finally comes to the realization that she cannot trust Lonny anymore and tears up the contract. But not before a wacky slap sticky fight that ends with Lonny trying to kiss her and she freaks out and runs from the house. Where Susan goes, poorly written overbroad physical comedy follows. Don’t miss next week’s episode where she gets a job at a chocolate factory putting wrappers on chocolates on an assembly line. And the week after that becomes a spokesman for Vitameatavegamin.
This week’s Lynette storyline was all about her boss Nina getting some. You see once the woman had some cheap anonymous dirty sex the first night she went out with Lynette, she developed a taste for it, as do we all. So now she is dragging Lynette out every night so she can get some of that Mr. Goodbar nougat. After five nights in a row of going to the bars Lynette tries to tell her that she has to go home to her family. Nina responds by threatening her with transferring her to a less demanding account. Another illogical premise but I’ve lost count at this point. You know what else I’ve lost count of? The number of sweet ass takedowns I got in Burnout Revenge. Don’t believe me? Here’s a screenshot.
Now THAT’S good TV
While sitting at the bar while Nina gets drinks, a creepy middle aged dude sits next to Lynette and starts rubbing her thigh. When she says she’s married he simply says “Me too!’ and pulls out his ring and continues to rub her thighs. When she tells him hands off, his says it’s not his fault because she’s been coming to a singles bar for five nights in a row. Yeah, the judge will love that. But your honor, she was begging for it. You could see it in her eyes!
Finally Lynette figures out a way to get out of babysitting Nina and her steaming hot sex-starved vagina. She goes into the bathroom, sluts herself out and then emerges as the life of the party. This takes away her wingman status from Nina so Nina sits there dejected, her carnal needs unfulfilled.
Finally the show ends on somewhat of a high note with a funny scene where Bree is reburying her husband Rex. Gabrielle, Edie, Susan, and Lynette are there at his gravesite waiting for her to show. When she appears she has them follow her to another spot. Bree than tells them in a rage that Rex actually believed that she was trying to kill her. There is no way she is going to spend the rest of eternity laying next to someone who would believe that. So when we see Rex’s final resting spot, it’s in a rundown corner of the cemetery. Bree takes off her ring and throws it into the grave.
And as we go over the final Mary Alice narration, we stop at the Young’s House, and inside we see Paul, Mary Alice’s husband who is on the run for murdering Zach’s real mom, is home opening his mail. Because the lure of unopened mail will drive any fugitive to come back home. It’s the F.B.I.’s most potent weapon against them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and try and win the trophy for a vertical takedown.