Giving Him Something He Can Feel

One of the challenges for this season of Smallville is how the writers are going to have the kids do what they did in high school now that they are not living or taking classes in the same places anymore. Logistically, the writers have decided to employ the 24 model of travel, where people can simply whisk themselves from one place to another with little worry about how much time it should actually take. The other question, which is where the conflicts are going to come, is a little tougher to solve. It would get boring if we simply said that people affected by kryptonite were wreaking havoc all over the place, although they left that possibility open. Instead it looks like we are going to see mayhem of the general variety, and now that Chloe is working at the Daily Planet, it looks like we’ll have plenty of trouble for her to get in to.Well, Chloe helping people out is a great theory, but in reality, she is really just an intern and her main job is answering phone calls for the night shift. Hey, it’s not a bad place to start, but Chloe is way too talented to be answering phone calls about dog obituaries, isn’t she? On this particular evening, Lois is with Chloe in the basement because Chloe had promised her a girl’s night out, but bailed when she was called in to the office. Normally you wouldn’t say that watching your cousin answering phones would be all that exciting, but as Lois said, compared to the Kent Farm, it’s a rager. Shit, Lois, it’s not like they are charging you rent, why don’t you simmer down? If you are so upset about how boring it is, just move out, right? That’s exactly what Lois decided to do, but it’s not because she feared the oppressive hand of the Kents. Since Lana moved out of the space above the Talon, there was room for her there. She worked at the Talon anyway, so it would work out for everybody, and she could go back to pretending there was no sexual tension between her and Clark.

The girls were expecting a really boring night, but the next call Chloe received was a frantic attempt from a girl looking to meet with a reporter. She wouldn’t give out her name, but she sounded desperate and Chloe decided that she should take a risk and go meet the girl herself. She said she was at 7th and Edgemont, which I thought would be an intersection in Los Angeles and I was going to check it out, except I checked the google map, and it appears Edgemont doesn’t go south of Melrose, so I was out of luck. Chloe and Lois, however, got to their destination, and they saw a girl in the middle of the street walking towards them, and then she got hit by car. And let’s be clear, I am not talking about some Pinto here. It was a brand new Expedition and it slammed into her, and the camera didn’t cut away. Look at this shit, what the hell is that?

Click on Chloe and Lois to play

I am not a physics geek, but I am sure there are some poor bastards out there crying into their Basics of Newtonian Law textbook. If Chloe needed some reason to solve a crime, this was a pretty good place to start.

At the police station the next day, Chloe and Lois get a lecture from detective Maggie Sawyer, or as I like to call her, detective low rent Mariska Hargitay. The investigators didn’t have that much information and they told Chloe that this is the big city and bad things happen. In other words, don’t get too worked up over this hooker who got killed. Chloe comes back with some feisty words about how this dead girl is not a statistic, and she and Lois decide to do something about it. They track the location of the girl to a nightclub that was in the area, and decide that they are going to investigate later.

Now that we are several episodes in, I have been trying to figure out if this has been a good year or a bad year for Clark Kent. On the plus side, he has now has his fortress of solitude, but then again, it’s not so solitude-y when Chloe knows everything about it. He finally was able to get with Lana and then he got with Lana because he lost his powers, but then he got his powers back and somebody is going to die. Speaking of his girlfriend, he thought that she was going to stick around and he would get to bang her in between his classes at Central Kansas and his yard work on the farm, but Lana decides she is going to go away to Metropolis U.

I would say Clark is making out even considering the above scenario, but when Lana leaves for a field trip for her astronomy class and is not going to be around, that leaves Clark to contemplate a date with Rosie Palm and her five friends. But just as he is giving Clark the bad news , he also gives Clark some good news. Lois is moving out, so he doesn’t have to convince himself he’d rather have Lana than Lois. Just as they are about to wrap up that conversation, a car comes hurtling down the driveway, kicking up gravel. It looked like some sort of General Lee rip-off, which would be funny, because John Schneider, the man who plays Jonathan Kent, was Bo Duke on Dukes of Hazzard.

I thought that would be the last of the Dukes of Hazzard references for the evening, but the writers did not stop there. When the car came to a stop (what should we call it, the General Zod?), out came Tom Wopat, also known as Luke Duke, playing State Senator Jack Jennings. Senator Jennings is a popular person and Clark admires him very much. His dad always spoke highly of the senator, and it was always good to see him, although it was a little bit of a surprise because it was in the middle of a campaign and Jennings never had any problem with any of the farmers or the unions. This year is going to be different, however, because Lex Luthor is running against him. Lex Luthor? That’s crazy talk, right? What’s next? Rick James running for city council?. What? That already happened? OK. Hmm. Alright, let’s try that again. What’s next? Warren Beatty running for Governor? Oh come on! You’re kidding me! I give up.

Inside Jennings goes on and tells a bunch of stories about when he and Clark’s dad were younger. If I had been old enough to remember any of the episodes or caught more of them on Spike, I might have been able to tell you if they were talking about something they did in one of the episodes of Dukes of Hazzard, or even that animated series, The Dukes, but they didn’t say “moonshine” or “save Uncle Jesse,” so I am going to assume the answer is no. There is a knock at the door, and looky here, it is none other than Maggie Sawyer, and she has some questions for the senator. It turns out that dead girl had a picture of the senator in her apartment, and the detective wanted to know why.

Jonathan is blinded by the obvious, so he doesn’t see the evidence that is in front of him, and that evidence states that not only was Jennings cheating on his wife, but that he might have had some involvement in the death of a young girl. Defensively, Jonathan searches for the only explanation he can find, which is that it is all the work of Lex Luthor, and his vast bald head conspiracy. There was no way that Lex would have joined a race that he didn’t think he could win, even if winning meant that he used every single dirty trick in the book, legal or not, in order to secure that victory.

Whenever there is something nefarious going on with Lex, it means that Clark must stampede into the Luthor mansion. Lex must have forgotten to change his locks after he gave Clark the key or something, because Clark gets through yet again, and begins to ask Lex why he didn’t tell him he was running. My first guess would be that he didn’t tell Clark because Clark’s friend just blew up his top secret government experiment a few weeks ago, and Lex still holds a grudge. Clark sort of ignores that possibility and shows Lex a copy of the the picture Jennings received from the detective. Lex doesn’t know what Clark is talking about, but he does know the location. It’s a private club in Metropolis, and “the city doesn’t give licenses for some of the other things that go on there,” which can only mean prostitution. The whole thing sounds very sinister and Lex wants Clark to stay out of trouble. To make sure this happens, Lex gives Clark his membership card, perhaps the only way Clark was ever going to get in the club to start any trouble.

Lex of course knows that Clark is going to go investigate, but he wants to see Senator Jennings himself. He goes to the Kent farm and finds, not surprisingly, that Jonathan is there. There is a bunch of garlic hanging by the door, which I guess means Clark is still kind of scared of being bitten. Anyway, Jonathan has never liked Lex, but has often held back because of Lex’s relationship with Clark. Now that Lex is hurting Jonathan’s best friend, he tells Lex exactly what’s on his mind. Lex expected as much and tells Mr. Kent that holier than thou attitude is not enough to hide the facts, and the facts state Senator Jennings made a number of calls to the dead stripper’s apartment, at least according to the phone records Lex had in his hand. And if Lex could get a hold of them, anybody else could, and Senator Jennings should know.

So we know that Chloe, Lois and Clark all know about the club, although they are on different sides of the story. Clark doesn’t know that Chloe and Lois are getting all dolled up for a night on the town and vice versa. Clark has a way in, but what are the girls to do? They try to simply look cute and talk their way in, but despite their appearance (nice ass from Chloe in that dress, no?) the bouncer is not letting them in. That’s not going to be a problem, however, because the two of them see a few girls all dressed up in some skanky clothes and they are getting in through a back entrance. Eager to do the same (don’t I wish) Chloe and Lois follow them.

Once inside, Chloe starts to get to work. You know, why would it seem strange that some girl these strippers have never seen before is asking questions about that dead stripper? With all of the illegal activity that goes on, why do the girls run whenever Chloe asks them a question? Seeing that they aren’t getting anywhere, they decide to break into the office and go searching for files there. They aren’t supposed to be there, so when two guys come in, wanting to know what their business is, somebody has to come up with an excuse. Chloe is usually good at coming up with good answers to get herself out of trouble, and she does it again this time. The only little problem with her plan is that she has to offer Lois up as bait.

That’s right, Chloe says that Lois is there to dance. Hey, they have to replace a dead stripper, right? It should at least buy them some time to come up with a better idea. Then again, maybe now. Right away the manager asks Lois to show him her tits, and moments later, she is putting her stripper outfit on behind the screen door. Chloe is very amused about the whole thing, and laughs the whole time Lois is putting on her skimpy clothes. How fitting for a general’s daughter; Lois has a patriotic themed ensemble. “God Bless America!” the DJ says, and I have to agree. I find myself muttering the same words every time I go to a beach or a club. Beautiful ladies in the 50 states (and all territories and protectorates), we salute you!

About the time Lois is going on stage, we see that Clark has just walked in. Listen, I know that he has only had sex with Lana, but Clark does have some experience with girls. Alicia was well built and Lana was smoking hot. Still, he is a guy, and guys are pigs. How can it hurt to look? If Lana wasn’t studying so hard, she could have been there right that moment, saving him from a night of having to look at chicks dressed up in fetish gear. It’s her fault, so enjoy it. Clark does look quite stiff in his suit, but it’s not because he is aroused. He’s only had sex with one woman. Yes it was the woman of his dreams, but isn’t he the least bit curious what other charms there may be out there? He should at least pretend to be interested so people don’t notice that he’s not supposed to be there. Yes, flashing Lex Luthor’s membership card is a good idea, but ordering a Coke, straight up! on the rocks! makes you look like an idiot. He should have ordered an virgin screwdriver – that’s much more sophisticated.

After ordering his drink, Clark starts to enjoy the show. Well, you might say he would enjoy it, but the girl on stage looks pretty stiff and unnatural. It’s Lois, of course, and although she has a smoking body, not everybody is used to taking their clothes off for a room full of self-entitled horny snobs, so she is a bit nervous. I’ve used the Elaine Benes joke way too often to describe bad dancers, so I will say that it reminded me of that one scene in True Lies where Jamie Lee Curtis is pretending to be an escort. Lois is just as awkward and ashamed of her body, even though she looks hot. That means that in a few minutes, she’ll really get into it and wow the crowd, or slip up and have her nuts hang out. Since Lois is not XXY, there is not really a chance of the latter happening, but the first part does happen. She really starts to work the pole, and gets some interest from some of the guys in the crowd.

With this sailor around, you’re never at half mast…

At one point, Lois and Clark make eye contact. Clark is almost embarrassed to look, but Lois’ set is over before she gets down to anything that would really make you pay attention. She walks over to Clark, wanting to know what the hell he is doing there. They share a bathroom, but they aren’t that close yet, and so Clark doesn’t know what to do with Lois so out there so close to him. Lois is not any more comfortable, but wants to look natural before she is fired, and tells Clark to give her a $20 and meet her out back. But just as Clark is giving her the money and is about to get up, the police raid the club, and Maggie Sawyer is taking no prisoners.

In the ensuing mess following the raid, Chloe and Clark see each other, both with that “what are you doing here look” and get split up for questioning. Chloe manages to make a little headway with some of the other strippers. The details are sketchy, but some girls mention that there is some Euro-sounding guy that just takes girls away and takes them somewhere. Some girls believe that he takes them to some paradise island, but by the sounds of it, he takes them and they will be doing gangbangs in Prague in under a week, and one of them saw Lois leaving with the Euro guy minutes after the raid.

Lex made a call to detective Sawyer, who lets Clark and Chloe go, saying that they should play Hardy Boy or Nancy Drew somewhere else, which makes me wonder why somebody hasn’t adapted those stories into movies yet. You just know that if she was twenty years younger, Marcia Gay Harden would be playing Nancy Drew on Lifetime. Sawyer is much better than dowdy Sheriff Adams, although judging by her haircut, she may be her girlfriend.

Back in Smallville, Jonathan and Jennings go for a ride. I have to say, they really worked the Dukes of Hazzard jokes in very subtly in this episode. When Jonathan asks to drive, Jennings says that he has put his life into his hands plenty of times before. When Jennings gets in the car, he doesn’t use the door on the passenger’s side, meaning he has to slide in Dukes style. On their little ride in the General Zod (that is a Charger right? I am no good at 70s muscle cars) Jonathan asks for some answers. Jennings says that he wanted to tell Jonathan, but there is only so much you can ask for a friend, and he wasn’t sure how Jonathan would react when he told him his marriage was for show, and he’s in love with a dancer less than half his age. Their argument culminates with Jonathan saying that he may vote Lex Luthor because while he doesn’t agree with his politics, at least he knows who he is.

So what exactly happened to Lois? She followed the European guy to his apartment. And what’s up with the this stereotype? Cheesy clothes, bad accent, probably reeks of cologne; not all Europeans are like that. I mean, I have yet to see one myself that breaks the mold, but I am sure they are out there. (Notice to any Europeans that may be offended, my sister married a Belgian, I like European beer, it’s a joke! Get over it). This guy tells Lois to put on a little red dress, and while she is changing, Lois sees that he has a box of all of Melissa’s things. Hey, at least that means Senator Jennings wasn’t involved. Then again, if he was willing to kill this girl and was confident enough that he kept all of her things afterwards, Lois is in trouble and needs to fight her way out of there. She manages to beat up the European guy, who being European needs to smoke and uses both hands. OK, he wasn’t smoking, but Lois did kick his ass. What she didn’t prepare for was the bodyguard using the tazer on her just as she was admiring her work.

Clark and Chloe are trying to figure out what happened to Lois. They figure out that the owner of the club sells his strippers to the highest bidders, and Clark overheard that Lois went for a cool half million. I am not sure if the half million was actually cool, I just thought it was appropriate to say. Chloe had managed to get the license plate numbers from some of the cars in the parking lot of the club, and noticed that one had license plates from a consulate, which fit with the idea that the guy doing the buying was related to a diplomat. He lives at the UN tower, and although Clark gets to the apartment too late, he manages to make it upstairs to the helipad before the helicopter is out of his reach. He jumps and attaches a cable to the chopper, and uses the cable to bring it down. While that is happening, Lois has regained consciousness and takes out the diplomat’s son AND his body guard. By the time Clark brings the aircraft down, Lois is ready to jump out and get away.

Chloe had called Detective Sawyer and Lois gives them the evidence. Sawyer would like to do something, but the guy has diplomatic immunity, so she has to let him go, but I know that already because I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

With the main part of the story over. We now get our moral lessons for the day, including:

1) Detective Sawyer telling Clark, Chloe and Lois that some people live around the rules, but that is what life is like in the tough city.

2) While apologizing to Clark, Lex gives Clark a lesson about heroes. David may have slain Goliath, but as king, he sent his best friend off to battle to die so he could take the man’s wife. See, even the best heroes are far from perfect.

3) And finally, Jennings pulls out of the race. You can only pull off the disguise of being superhuman so long, and besides, now that Dukes of Hazzard has all of this retro appeal, he can make a KILLING on the lecture circuit.

It’s all pretty typical stuff, but Jennings reveals his true reason for pulling out of the race. He believes he is no longer the best man for the job. He thinks that man is Jonathan Kent and encourages him to run for state senator.

As for everybody else, Chloe is happy because she got her first byline. Yes, it may be at the back of the paper, but it is her story. The diplomat’s son was arrested by Interpol after they received an anonymous tip. Oh Chloe, you’re so clever, we love you. Lois is almost packed and ready to go, but before she says goodbye to Clark, she thanks him for helping her move in, and then thanks him for helping to save her life. She says that she really appreciates what a good friend he is, but that doesn’t include telling anybody about the lapdance he got. And as leverage, she threatens to expose the existence of his Elmer Fudd night light.

I really liked this episode, for more reasons than we got to see Erica Durance taking off her clothes. (It was just as sexy watching her put those clothes on, though.) Like I said before, it’s going to be tough to come up with story lines not involving meteor rocks. We didn’t get much of the central story, which is still Professor Fine and his plans for Clark and Lex, but that looks like it is coming up next week. Things are still going too well for Chloe, which I think means that she is dead. I would be so sad. I love Lana in theory, but seeing the sexual tension between Clark and Lois this week makes you hope they get on with that. Maybe Lana will die and Lois will comfort him, or better yet maybe Chloe. Who knows, we have a long way to go.

What did you think of the episode? Will Jonathan run for state senator? How long will it take before Clark and Lois are making out under their own power?