This week on American Idol: The Brittenum Twins are in jail!
Oh yeah, we already knew that.
Why they were slathered all over this week’s American Idol, I have no idea. Their singing? Mediocre. Their presence? Extremely irritating. Top Twelve potential? Of course not.
Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s Idol episodes featured the final singing battles for the last judge-oriented eliminations; next week, the phone lines open and America starts to vote. But getting to that list of 24 still required them to whittle through, what, 175 people? I don’t remember exactly how many. It was still a lot.
And how are you going to make yourself heard with the Brittenum Twins hijacking the audition process every step of the way? Tuesday’s episode shows the horrors that are the “group” auditions: those persons lucky enough to make it this far have to work together in groups of threes and fours. We barely know most of these people. Other than watching in a detached, enjoy-the-bloodbath manner, most of it doesn’t matter. And there’s way too many people to keep track of.
Of note: Sway is back, he doesn’t have his belt buckle but we still remember his name. For his group he’s stuck with one of the Brittenums, as are some guy named Elliot and another dude named Anthony. Of course they have conflicts when trying to work out the rehearsals, blah blah blah. So they barely rehearse at all. Later, they all sing; the Brittenum forgets the words to his part of the song and sounds like crap. Elliot and Sway fake it and sound snazzy. We love Sway, I think. Don’t we? The Brittenum blames his mistakes on Elliot and Sway because “they didn’t want to practice, they wanted to sleep.” And then he blames Halliburton, and Venus for being in retrograde, and McDonald’s for cancelling the McRib yet again!… But Randy and Simon tell him he did a crappy job regardless of blame. Then they everyone in the group stay, except Anthony. So the Brittenum blames Anthony…although the Brittenum is safe, so why is still blaming anyone? Shh.
Kevin Covais, the nerdy little guy we’re all secretly rooting for, does a few snazzy dance steps when he sings, and skirts through the groups. Why do we root for him so much? It’s his eyes. He’s got fight in his eyes. He’s a tough dude. Surviving one day in high school with that hair cut, you’d have to be. In Kevin’s group we also meet William Makar, a wailing tenor with the body of a mid-90’s Calvin Klein waif model. Where has this guy been? He’s great. He makes it along with Kevin.
But no more fun! It’s Brittenum time again! The Other Brittenum is up, he sings with his group, and he does better than his brother. But then he stands before the judges and all of America to say “My spirit has been BROKEN…” because of the way his brother “was treated” when scolded for forgetting the words to his song. And no one understands, since the first Brittenum did make it, dummy. But no matter! The Other Brittenum protests! And the Other Brittenum quits! Take that! He storms off…with his brother looking at him like he’s a complete idiot. Which he is. Later on, they both apologize; the judges deliberate, and decide to let the Other Brittenum back in. Okay, did anyone care about all of this? I’m annoyed just typing it. I’m weary of you, Brittenums, and I hope you have a nice time in jail. Don’t drop the soap.
Beyond their hissiness, we see talent: Mandisa makes it, of course, she’s flawless; Kinnik Sky, a.k.a. “The New Trenyce,” makes it. But then some irritating girl named Brenna Smith acts like a dumb-ass and says she’s doing it to get attention, because everyone likes the bitch. (…so that means everyone must LOVE me. I’m really excited about that. ) Whatever, the act works; she’s in, and she can’t even sing that well. I fear we’ll be dealing with her for a long time, as the producers will want her around just for the ratings. Blech.
If you didn’t see this Tuesday episode, you will most certainly see one specific clip on the internet: some guy named Matthew Buckstein, some guy named Michael Evans and the ever-famous “I sing to turkeys” Garet are the center of an ode to Brokeback Mountain called “Brokenote Mountain,” a tribute-style short movie following the journey of our beloved Garet on his trip to the big audition. It’s funny. And then when they all sing together, it’s just horrible. But the true brilliance is when, in what is obviously the inspiration of the Brokeback reference, Our Little Turkey starts to cry, and is embraced by Matthew Buckstein, who tells him “You go back to that ranch, and you come back next year…you’ll never let me down.” Such a bond after, what, two days? But it is actually very sad. Matthew is obviously a very nice guy. Garet is honestly crushed. And Matthew really goes out of his way to make him feel better.
And then they have intercourse in a tent.
At the end of the episode comes the “put you in four rooms” stage, where they’re told if they’ve made it as room-groups; it’s all very first-day-at-Hogwarts. I looked for the Sorting Hat, but apparently that was kept in a back room somewhere. Slytherin is up first; it’s a bunch of people we don’t know. The Slytherin room is cut. Which is good, since Slytherin is always trouble anyway. Then we go to Gryffindor, with bald dude Chris Daughtry; hot twin Rebecca O’Donohue, whose sister has injured vocal cords, if you remember her; bad-ass Sway; and our beloved Mandisa. Of course Gryffindor makes it, they’re the coolest. In Ravenclaw is Paris Bennett; gray-haired Taylor Hicks; and one of the Brittenums. Ravenclaw makes it too. So uh-oh, two rooms have made it…what about Hufflepuff? Little Kevin Covais is in there! So is soft-spoken crooner Ace, and that other damned Brittenum. Hufflepuff..makes it. Phew.