A Fight To The Finish

The Gauntlet 2 is coming to a close, and as we’ve neared that final challenge, the tensions have mounted for the teams. Monday night, there was only one Gauntlet left, and it was for the guys. For the Vets, at stake was having to put poor, idiotic captain Derrick in the fighter’s circle yet again. For the Rooks, at stake was Randy facing Alton in the Gauntlet and possibly being separated from his lovebug, Kina (emphasis on “bug”). It was a no-win situation. One team would face a dreaded outcome. What would it be???Well, first off, don’t get too concerned about the whole Kina/Randy situation. Thanks to the tireless promotional efforts of MTV, we knew that the Veterans would be going to the Gauntlet before the show even began. That was bad news for me (I really wanted Kina and Randy separated), but then again, this also meant I might get to see Derrick’s possible ouster.

Nevertheless, the show began with Kina and Alton loungin’ on the porch, talking about who might go into the Gauntlet if the team lost the next challenge. Alton admitted that his choice would be Randy, something that didn’t totally thrill Kina.

“It’s kind of obvious why you think Randy, just because of the body type and all that kind of stuff,” she said. Body type? Just say it: he’s doughy. Soft. Like a not-purple Grimace.

Kina did hit on an important point. Physicality was important for the final mission, and Alton knew that. “[if we do] A three mile run — do we have to hoist him over a wall?” he asked us. Look, I’d be more worried about Ibis at this point.

Ah, it just never gets old for me.

Nevertheless, Alton continued his assessment of Randy: “He’s the chunkiest guy on our team. He’s as strong as a tank, but he’s as big as one also.” Was he referring to Randy Jackson? I mean, yeah, Randy’s a little soft around the sides, but a tank? Only on The Gauntlet 2 would someone like Randy be referred to as “big as a tank.”

Yay! Funny freeze frame!

Speaking of plump specimens, we then cut to Ibis who was now sitting alone with her BFF, Kina. The Rookie captain informed her friend that Alton was planning to take Randy into the Gauntlet, causing Ibis to balk, “Do they think they only need jocks at the end of the day?” Uh, yeah. Pretty much. And since when did Randy not qualify as a jock? Oh, that’s right. He’s an artiste.

Anyway, Kina summed up her feelings in her typical pissed off way. “I think it’s stupid.”

And of course, ever the lapdog with no thoughts for herself, Ibis agreed: “I think it’s very stupid.” Of course, none of these girls provided any reason why it was stupid. They just thought it was stupid, okay?

Actually, I take that last statement back. Ibis did in fact tell us why the decision was stupid. Randy, it turns out, was an intellectual resource. “He’s brilliant,” Ibis said. Randy? The Randy that’s on this show? Boom Bazooka Joe? Yes, apparently Randy was a beacon of intellectualism that we should all aspire to. Either that or Ibis hasn’t really been around a lot of smart people in her life. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Randy = Brilliant.

Later that night, the Veteran girls decided to cheer up their male teammates by baking cookies. Or as I like to call them, “Disaster Biscuits.” While they baked, we then cut briefly to Randy and Kina cuddling outside, feeling all concerned. This would have been mildly engaging had MTV not already shown the outcome of the challenge, but I digress. Back inside, the girls finished their batch of goodies, and as expected, their cookies looked like the nastiest little moonpies I’d seen since the last time I went to the zoo. Nevertheless, the women proudly fed their knights in shining pectorials, which meant that Mark Long had to remove his dainty little sleeping mask — he does need his beauty sleep after all. Oddly enough, Katie and Robin looked like they had white cream all over their faces. Probably was some form of skin care, but then again, could have been much worse. The guys were all unfazed, however — chances are they were used to seeing those girls like that. Semen ZING!!!

Someone just got a zinger facial!

Anyway, Timmy happily ingested one of the cookies, saying afterwards, “You know what I taste? I taste love.” And I taste something that’s NOT FUNNY. GO AWAY, TIMMY.

Even though it looked like everyone was just bracing to go to sleep, we then cut to the whole gang sitting around the dinner table. Must be clue time. Sure enough, that ever dependable T-Mobile Sidekick II lit up, and as Timmy reached to answer it, he fell over in his chair. My oh my. He is just one hilarious guy. What a ham! He should go on Leno!

Once composed, Timmy read the clue out loud, saying, “Hey Challengers. I hope you brought your ice skates.” This was followed by confused mumbling until Timmy laughed, “Kidding!” HILARIOUS AGAIN! This guy is on FIRE!!! Do the chair-falling-over bit again! Do it!

Anyway, Timmy eventually read the correct clue, and then Mark Long spoke to us about sparing Derrick from going into the Gauntlet again. You see, he’d gone in more times than anyone else. “I’m gonna do everything in my power to keep that kid here,” Mark insisted, adding, “I will use my faux-hawk as a sword if I have to. I’m that serious.”

The next morning at the challenge, TJ arrived on a bike, causing all the players to clap like seals. Turns out that the bike was a Schwinn TJ Lavin Signature Series BMX style, and the winning captain of this challenge would receive such a bike.

“This is a day of reckoning,” Alton then told us, once again overly dramatizing this entire challenge. Please, everyone. This is just the Gauntlet.

Well, for the big challenge, the Vets and Rooks would have to take a bike apart, reassemble it, and then race it across the golf course. Each team would be split into groups: the disassemblers and the assemblers. If you can’t figure out what each group’s duties were, then you’re an idiot.

The good news for the Rookies was that Randy and Jamie used to both work on bikes, giving them a major advantage over the Veterans. “I feel real confident as an asset to the team today,” Randy said. Of course you’re an asset! You’re BRILLIANT!!

Anyway, TJ started the challenge, and immediately, the “disassemblers” ran across the field to the bike that they had to take apart. Well, almost everyone ran down the field. David — he… he… I can’t even say it, it was so awful… he JOGGED! Oh, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! He ONLY jogged!!! As you can imagine, Derrick, a.k.a. Mr. Takes Things Too Seriously, was not happy about this, especially since his ass was on the line. David’s jogging could cost the team the whole damn competition! (At least, that’s what you’d think if you were a total moron.)

Well, both teams quickly got to work taking apart their bike. The Rookies finished first, despite constant interruptions from Alton on the walkie talkie. The Vets, meanwhile, were behind — CLEARLY because of David’s jogging — and Derrick was getting pissed. Eventually, the Veteran disassemblers swapped out with the assemblers, but by then, Randy and Jamie had powered the Rookies to a commanding lead.

“For the first time in a couple of missions, I really feel like I’m important to my team,” Randy said, “and my knowledge and like my experience is gonna come through.” And let’s not forget your brilliance! Never forget your brilliance!

Well, doesn’t take a genius to figure out how this all ended up. The Rookies easily won (we knew that already though. Thanks MTV!), which meant Derrick would be heading into the Gauntlet. Around this time, I began praying for a massive Derrick upset.

But before we could get to that, TJ had to hand Alton his prize bike. “I can tell, man, you really ride a lot, huh?” TJ joked. Clearly Timmy was writing his material.

TJ then went on to praise the effort by all the Rookies, especially Mr. Kina. “Randy,” TJ said, “I truly believe that you were the VIP of the team.” Or MVP. But I’m just saying…

Just when Alton couldn’t get more jacked…

…He grows another set of abs!!!

Back at the compound, it was time for Veteran Gauntlet deliberations, and this one was tough. Who to go? Without naming names, Derrick said that they all should have been sprinting at the challenge and therefore, he was voting on effort. But just as he began to hand out paper, Timmy said no no. No paper. Let’s keep this open and honest. However, his team turned down this request and kept with the tried and true secret ballot system. But Timmy wasn’t done. He volunteered himself to go into the Gauntlet, surely saving the team quite a bit of drama. Unfortunately, Derrick was still really really pissed about the jogging debacle (that cost them two whole seconds!!!). He wanted to vote for David because of his “lack of hustle and his lack of respect for me.” Kind of hard to respect someone when they’ve got a brillo pad growing on their chin.

Anyway, the first vote went to a tie between David and Timmy, and wouldn’t you know it? Two people didn’t even vote. Katie and Aneesa abstained Why? Because they’re dumb. Just vote, people. Get this over with.

We then cut to a commercial where we found Ashton Kutcher singing “Manic Monday” in his SUV. Punk’d is moving to Mondays. Wonderful. When we returned from the break, David confronted Derrick about his voting strategy. “You’re supposed to sprint on a bike mission? It’s not about that!” Hey. HEY! Simmer down with your “logic.” Derrick’s brain is liable to explode at any second!

David then asked us at home, “Do you understand how dumb Derrick is?” Oh yes. We sure do.

“If I took off my shirt, would you reconsider?”

“Oh, you know I would.”

“Then consider this motion filed.”

Well, it looked like David would be heading into the Gauntlet, which had me rooting harder for him than any other time in the past. But sadly, he bragged about being able to send Derrick home easily, which meant bad things for him. Looked like David might be the one taking the cab to the airport. But wait! I spoke too soon! The voting was still going on! And yes, there was another tie! Great. Why can’t these people make up their mind. I mean, freakin’ Timmy is volunteering himself! Mark, meanwhile, was being veeeery very quiet.

Anyway, the room degenerated into a mess of bickering that really made no sense (does it ever on this show?). Finally, Mark Long broke his silence to tell everyone to be quiet and focus. Say what you will about the guy, but he’s the only one who can get all these jerks to listen up.

Well, once again, Timmy volunteered to go, but we could tell that Derrick was still hoping the team would suddenly say “No, we want David.” You see, the Veterans weren’t about to say anything because the way they saw it, it was the captain’s choice. And as the captain, the leader, the backbone of this team, what did Derrick do? He paced around, kicking random things as if that was supposed to make us feel some sort of emotion for this supposed critical impasse.

“My conscience is saying David, but he [Timmy] wants to step up. You know? That’s what I’m getting. That’s what I’m getting. What the fuck do I do?” Derrick complained. How about you just choose Timmy already? But no, instead, Derrick continued to blame his team.

“I wish my teammates could have just made a fuckin’ decision for me!” he scowled, kicking and breaking a coffee table in the process. Yeah, man! It’s the coffee table’s fault! Send the coffee table into the Gauntlet!!! By the way, I’m not sure that captains are supposed to wish that someone else would make their decisions. That’s usually what we call “bad leadership.”

Take THAT, Ikea!

We then cut to Katie who was crying (WTF?) on a couch, and again, Timmy volunteered to go into the Gauntlet. And again, Derrick lamented that his team couldn’t make a decision. Dude, are you an idiot? Timmy’s stepping up. That IS the decision.

Just when this scene couldn’t get any more ridiculous, TJ Lavin entered the room and solemnly said, “Derrick, I really… I really want you to spin the wheel, dude. Because I don’t want to hold your destiny in my hands because, like, you’ve, you’ve battled time and time again. So just do it.” Okay, this was out of control. I half expected to hear a singular bugle playing in the wind.

We then cut to Robin who also was crying, for no real reason. Perhaps the symbolism of the whole Derrick-spins-the-wheel moment had gotten to her, which would have been touching if THERE ACTUALLY WAS ANY SYMBOLISM to any of this ridiculousness.

Seriously. Why?

Well, Derrick gave the wheel a firm, hard spin, and it landed on Reverse Tug of War, probably not the best event for him to go up against Timmy. But then again, Derrick is something of a bulldog. I had to admit, I was excited. Anyway, Derrick kicked the coffee table one last time for good, idiotic measure, and then we saw ANEESA CRYING now. Literally, these girls don’t even know what they’re shedding tears over. Seriously.

Anyway, TJ asked Derrick who he chose for the Gauntlet, and begrudgingly, he answered, “Timmy chose himself.” He then added, “I’m an idiot captain incapable of making my own decisions.” Honestly, between Timmy and Derrick going into the Gauntlet, it’s pretty much a win-win situation for me. But that being said, if Derrick really wanted David in the Gauntlet, he should have just laid down the law and made an executive decision.

With time dwindling on the show, I had a bad feeling that this might be a cliffhanger. This was all but solidified when we saw a filler-tastic “greatest hits” of Derrick’s battles in the Gauntlet. Well, everyone headed down to the Gauntlet where Derrick and Timmy suited up and prepared for their final showdown. TJ rang the bell, and the two guys began pulling… and the credits flashed on screen. CHEAP! To Be Continued!! I knew it was coming, but I have to admit that I was so in the moment that I was still caught off guard. So angry.

Can’t wait to see who’s kicked off. Who do you want to see gone? Derrick or Timmy?