TVgasm’s Best and Worst Celebrities, News and Predictions for 2011

Our Best of List ends with a look at Celebrities, News, and our Predictions for 2012!

Best Celebrity of the Year

Chickbomb: Lindsay Lohan.  A consistent mess in amazing clothes.

Slumrville: Melissa McCarthy: Our Sookie St. James has come a long way from the Dragonfly Inn in Stars Hollow, CT!  Hit sitcom (albeit a CBS sitcom, but we’ll overlook that), a superstar scene stealing role in a hit R-rated comedy, hosting SNL, and a huge Emmy victory.  YOU GO GIRL!

VirginiaApple: Amy Poehler.  It was her idea for all of the Best Actress Emmy nominees to have a mock pageant.  She has reached Tina Fey levels of worship.  Also, see above re: Leslie Knope.

PottyMouth: Hugh Jackman.  Why?  Because I said so.

BlueCanary: I’m going out into left field here and nominating Cate Blanchett. Cate Blanchett is a lovely, dignified, talented actress, who has managed to remain extremely relevant without becoming a shameless, famewhoring, cum dumpster of a human being. I have yet to see a scandal even glance in her direction. Cate Blanchett is getting it done the old school way, and for that I name her best celebrity of the year.

Dangerously: I always end up going with some sports personality, and sadly this year is no different. Celebrity of the year goes to Drew Brees…probably just because he’s fresh in my mind after watching him torch my Falcons and break Dan Marino’s single-season passing record in the process.

DearCrabby: I want to say Kate Middleton but I probably should say Charlie Sheen – first for his bat-shit antics but then for his sort of mea culpa.  He knew he was an ass and sort of owned up to it.  Also, he didn’t bring back nylons, which is my biggest gripe with Kate (not that it’s her fault, but still).

Flipit: Herman Cain. Holy shit that man is funny. When your answer to a possible Iranian nuclear crisis is 9-9-9, you’re my hero. Also he got a LOT of tail. And he likes pizza. Please re-enter the race, Hermie!

Foggywood: Tamar Braxton

J-Mo: RuPaul, for clawing his way back onto my TV and bringing alllll his glittery, glowing, glamorous, glitzy gals with him.  It’s like being at a drag pageant every single week, and I, for one, just can’t get enough of him.  You betta keep workin’, bitch!

Mrs.Snarklesbee: From standing up for LGBT rights to poking fun at Ryan Gosling for *not* being voted Sexiest Man Alive, George Clooney keeps proving why he’s pretty much the most awesome, wonderful, and just plain handsome guy in the entire world.

Nads: Gaga bc she’s reached my grandmas demo at this point. My grandma goes gaga for gaga!

PennyDreadful: Steve Jobs.

SunnySideUp: Charlie Sheen:  Thank you, Mr. Sheen, for giving us exactly what we want in a melt-down.  I think Charlie Sheen knows exactly what he’s doing, and what he did this summer was to take a heart-breaking mess of a situation, and turn it into the kind of self-deprecating comedy that not everyone realizes is comedy.  In other words, Sheen is in on his own joke here, and the joke is hilarious.  Also noted, The Honey Badger.  T’was an excellent year for angry little creatures, and it’s no surprise that as a fellow angry little creature, I got to be nicknamed SunnyBadger all year.  Two paws up, HB!  Also, call me if you know how to get a baby badger.  I need one for my backyard.

Vallegirl: J.R. Martinez.  Sorry if I’m smurfy but the guy salvaged a dreary season of Dancing with the Stars and made Karina Smirnoff genuinely likable.  That’s a star.

And the winner is….

Charlie Sheen! Congrats you fucknuts crazy bastard!

Worst Celebrity of the Year:

BlueCanary: I never cared much for Charlie Sheen before 2011, based solely on his body of work and lack of personal appeal. I fuckin’ can’t stand him now, based on absolutely everything about him, his lifestyle, and his attitude. Yeah , this answer was the easy way out, but Charlie Sheen is the toothy blowjob of the entertainment industry, so it works.

Dangerously: The entire NBA. I didn’t think anyone would top Brett Favre or Lebron James from last year in the ultimate douchebag factor, but the NBA players vs Owners did it. I was rooting for them to lose the season, and UGH, watching all those shitty games on Christmas Day made me a sad panda. If it was up to me, the solution would have been to give 10% of the revenue to the owners…10% to the players…and use the remaining 80% to fix this shithole economy and help out less fortunate countries.

DearCrabby:  Kim Kardashian or however you spell her skank-ass name.  Hope she burns in hell with that scorching case of herpes we all know she has and deserves.  I wish we could Village of the Damned the whole family in an exploding building.

Flipit: I firmly believe that all celebrities are equally terrible. I flew back to LA on Southwest Airlines tonight, and I read a blurb from Maria Bello about how she’s a poet activist. UGH. Since she’s the most recent terrible celebrity in my mind, I will go with her. Poet activist. Fuck you. You’re a pretty blonde with a nice rack and a smokey voice who fucked the right homely rich guy. But just in case you’re reading this, love your work. xo and please stop being a poet activist. It’s gross. Just be rich and hot and happy about it.

Foggywood: K______ Kardashian (take your pick).

J-Mo: Kardashians, Kardashians, Kardashians… these fucking bitches… I can barely write through my rage… these fucking bitches sat there on Baba Wawa’s shitty special (where she sarcastically named them some of 2011′s “most interesting people”) and with STRAIGHT FACES claimed that their “talent” lies in “being themselves in front of cameras” (this was in response to the completely valid perception that they are “famous for being famous” and not famous because they actually contribute something useful to the world of entertainment or society in general).  Yes, being rich on a reality show is rilly rilly haaaaard, you guys!  It’s WAY harder than being, like, a schoolteacher, or a grief counselor, or an icky social worker.  And yet, people have been watching their shows now more than ever, and the only way I can conceive of that happening is if they have somehow had sex with every single person in the country who has a Nielsen Box.  These trashy cunts need to be stopped, NOW.

Mrs.Snarklesbee: Well, I can’t answer Courtney Stodden because I refuse to refer to her as a ‘celebrity,’ so instead I’ll pick Lindsay Lohan. An easy choice, I know, but when I heard that she took her young sister with her to the Playboy mansion to watch her nudie shoot, I realized that Lindsay Lohan has finally outshamed her own disgusting mother.

Nads: The duggars posting a picture of their dead baby! Not positive.

PennyDreadful: OMG really?  How much time/space do you have?  I guess that Kardashian skank who was “married” for 72 days.  Shut the f up, get off the TV, stop selling your “designer” outfits and so-called “perfume”, and get some lipo on that enormous (and completely unattractive except to straight guys, who evidently have bad eyesight and no taste or class or desire to be free from STDs) ass and thighs.

SexyPanda: Kim Kardashian. Not for her brief, ridiculous wedding, but for crying so hard about losing a stupid earring when her stupid oaf threw her into the ocean.

SunnySideUp: The 99%:  It started so well.  It got people to pay attention.  It showed us that The People can demand to be heard, and it can work still.  Grass roots isn’t dead.  But then it all got lost, when the Movement had to figure out how to manage all of the people who came to the Movement.  Part of the problem with the Occupy project was that so many homeless and indigent came to the movement.  This in and of itself isn’t bad; however, there is a significant amount of mental illness in any given homeless population and managing the people who need the kind of help that the Occupy Movement would sort of eventually care about crowded out the focus of the Movement, which is to call attention to, and make clear that we can’t stay on this path of 1% holding the keys to all the wealth in our ultimately wealthy country.  I hope it changes.  Watch World War II in HD if you get a chance.  There was a time when the country pulled together, and amazing things got done.

TheNooch: Kim Kardashian. That is all.

Vallegirl: Kim Kardashian.  I know she’s evergreen, but I think she finally rendered herself completely from silicone and latex.  There’s nothing human left to her.  Except, oddly, the human hair extensions she has attached to her plastic doll head.

Chickbomb: All things Kardashian.  If I have to give you a reason, just stop reading.  I mean it.

Slumrville:   Justin Beiber: I blame parents who can’t say no to their spoiled tween girls.  I blame the marketing trolls who sold this marginally talented, non-threatening boy to that sheeplike demographic to such a degree of success that no man, woman or child is able to escape his omnipresence.  I have an idea.  Let’s just vote Justin Beiber for President in 2012.  Oh wait…. he’s Canadian.

VirginiaApple:  The Situashians?  Holy fuck, please do not allow the Jersey Shore cast to procreate with the goddamn Kardashians.  I will colonize the moon, I swear to Coach and Tami Taylor I will!

PottyMouth: Anyone with dashian as part of their last name.

And the winner is…

Kim Kardashian! Congrats! Biggest ass in America!

Worst News Story of the Year:

DearCrabby: Kardashian wedding or the fact that Ryan Seacrest may take over for Matt Lauer.  WTF is NBC thinking?  Or are they?

Flipit: How can I pick? Was there a tsunami or something? A coach raping kids in the showers? Murder suicides? Note to the world: Please stop being so fucking gross all the time. Love, Flipit.

Foggywood: Japan earthquake.

J-Mo: For me it’s a tie between the Pepper Spray Cop John Pike (for all the scary implications that police behavior raises) and that awful fucked-up closet-case Jerry Sandusky from Penn State (just when us gays get our shit together and start making some progress, there’s always some fuckwit pedophile like him out there to send us back several steps).  Thanks a lot, guys.

Mrs.Snarklesbee: The Duggars’ 20th pregnancy (& subsequent loss). Look, I feel bad that they had to go through that, but for god’s sake STOP HAVING CHILDREN. Your body is clearly done, and you’re already responsible for 68% of the overpopulation problems in this world. If God wants you to have more kids, how about adopting??

PennyDreadful: Worst as in most terrible, like Japan?  Or as in OMG can’t believe it?  I’m going with the latter, and that has to be Susan B. Anthony (or whatever her name is) getting acquitted.  A real triumph for the American judicial system there:  a woman clearly and overwhelmingly proved by the evidence to have cold-bloodedly killled an innocent child goes free, and has the balls to complain people don’t like her!  She has to hide!  She will have to change her name!  Waaahhh!!  Life’s tough for acquitted murderesses, b-tch.  Deal.

SunnySideUp: The Tucson Shootings.  A mentally ill kid open fired at a grocery store on a Saturday morning in Tucson, using guns that had more ammo in each magazine than anyone would need for any gun that’s kept at home for protection, or that’s used to hunt game.  Yeah, I live there so it’s a little personal.  Six people died, and a dozen more were injured including Congresswoman Gabriel Giffords.  The real tragedy though, is that only a couple of months after the shootings, Governor Jan Brewer made Colt Revolver the State’s official gun.  Stay classy, Arizona.

TheNooch: Jerry Sandusky and his perverted old man desires

Vallegirl: I’ll stick with entertainment and say Amy Winehouse’s passing.  Even if it seemed inevitable, it was still very sad.

Chickbomb: The death of free speech on Ashton’s twitter feed.  A moment of silence, if you please, for all the moronic tweets that will never be born.

Slumrville: Kim Karsashian Files for Divorce: This wasn’t news, so much as a foregone conclusion. And yet, every news program in existence led their broadcasts with the shocking development.  I’m surprised they didn’t interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to report on the end of 2011′s version of Camelot.

VirginiaApple: Well, the fact that we’re apparently supposed to care about any reality show star is news to me, and it’s sure as shit not good news.

PottyMouth: I don’t watch the news.

BlueCanary: 2011 has been a stinker, packed with plenty of contenders for awful news stories, but just in terms of making my skin crawl on a personal level, top prize goes to the motherfuckers at Penn State, who’ve looked the other way as that piece of shit Jerry Sandusky raped little boys in the locker room showers. Fuck that guy and everyone associated with that guy, and especially fuck the goddamn moronic football fans in this idiotic nation who stuck up for Joe  because they were concerned about his status as a legendary coach. Nice to see where your priorities lie, assholes.

Dangerously: Steve Jobs dying. I mean, that was shitty in the “man, it sucks that happened” kind of way. But what makes it the worst news story of the year…Apple fanboys holding vigils. VIGILS for a man they’d never known, and likely know nothing more about than the fact that he brought us Apple. I love my Macbook and my iPhone, and I love the stance on quality that Steve Jobs and Apple took, but seeing people weeping over his death…good grief.

And the winner is…

Steve Jobs! Congrats! You only got two votes, but hey. We all posted from an iPhone so you win!

 

Our Predictions for 2012

Chickbomb: Rob Schneider will be able to get off his knees for whoever gave him his own show after it is cancelled five minutes into the first episode.  I mean, Rob Schneider.  Really???

Slumrville: Congress stops in-fighting long enough to fix the economy, unemployment drops to almost zero, and cures are found for AIDS, cancer and heart disease just in time for the world to end in December, just as the Mayans predicted.  Happy End of Days, Gasmii!

VirginiaApple: Somehow, the media will scrape through the bottom of the barrel to find Preteen Moms, even faker Real Housewives, Baby Hoarders, and twelve more Kardashians, at which point our brains will literally set themselves elves on fire, thus bringing about the apocalypse we all knew 2012 would bring.  Never mind all of those other ones, this one will be real.  And on a personal note, I predict that I will finally get my Mad Men fix just in time to be undone by Friday Night Lights withdrawals and anxiety over whether or not Community will be canceled.  On that note, Happy New Year Gasmii!  I miss writing recaps every week, so my resolution is to comment more!

PottyMouth: I’ll tell you my prediction(s) for $1.99 a minute.  Just call 888-PottyMouth.  We offer a no money back guarantee!

BlueCanary: Lots of nudity, incest, drunkenness, poor behavior, and debauchery. And that’s just on Game of Thrones.

Dangerously: The world isn’t going to end. Bold, I know.

DearCrabby: Kardashians will continue their fall from grace (hopefully) and Clooney will sweep the awards season.

Flipit: Kim Kardashian will get pregnant. I know this is gonna happen. Bitch needs some good publicity right about now, and her mom isn’t above turkey baster-ing some basketball player’s sperm into her while she sleeps for a cut of that ratings pie.

Foggywood: Tyra Banks will talk about herself at Judge’s Panel.

J-Mo: I predict that Toddlers & Tiaras will break the 300+ comment count.

Mrs.Snarklesbee: The Duggars will get pregnant again. Some joker will run for President against Obama and lose. And of course, the zombie apocalypse will begin in late 2012, so stock up on those guns, potable water, and as many Taco Bell crunchwraps as you can squeeze into your freezer.

Nads: I don’t want to say it….Lindsay Lohan kicks the bucket.

PennyDreadful: The world will apparently end in December.  However, this is a prediction from the Mayans, who I point out did not predict their own demise, so how reliable can their “insights” into 2012 be?  I just want to know, one way or the other, by November 30 so I know whether to mail my December rent check or not.

SexyPanda: SAVE A PRETZEL FOR THE GAS JETS!  Patti Stanger marries someone. One of those–you pick.

SunnySideUp: It’s gonna go one of two ways in 2012.  We’re either going to give up, and embrace that we are essentially a nation for sale, then lie back and let it happen so it hurts less; or, things are gonna get crazy.  I predict that with the election and the fringe people getting weird about the Mayan calendar, things are going to be tense and volatile in 2012.  Luckily, I also predict that home brewing is going to have a banner year, and that when things get too crazy out there, you’ll be able to kick back with your neighbor in his zombie-proofed home, and enjoy a delicious craft beer at the end of every hard day.

TheNooch: Zooey Deschanel will out-quirk herself and spontaneously combust. Then the world will wither away and die, not because of the Mayan calendar but because of lack of quirk.

Vallegirl: I’ll continue to watch way too much crap.

To check out our individual recaps, just follow the links here: BlueCanary, ChickBomb, Dangerously, DearCrabby, Flipit, Foggywood, J-Mo, MrsSnarklsebee, Nads, PennyDreadful, PottyMouth, SexyPanda, Slumrville, SunnySideUp, TheNooch, Vallegirl, and VirginiaApple.

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