TVgasm’s Oscar Predictions and Dead Wish List

If you missed it, we did a rundown of all the nominations this week. Click the titles to check out the articles.

Black Swan and The Fighter, Inception and The Kids Are Alright, The King’s Speech and 127 Hours, The Social Network and Toy Story Three, and True Grit and Winter’s Bone. Got it? Let’s move on to predictions. The question is simple: Who’s gonna win this shiz?

P-Baby Walker: The King’s Speech:  Best Picture:  Because the Academy is old and
doesn’t approve of the phrase “Poke”
Natalie Portman:  Best Actress:  Because everyone now knows she puts out.
Colin Firth: Best Actor:  Because he probably should have won last
year and Jeff Bridges should have won like 39 years ago.
Christian Bale: Supporting Actor:  no real reason besides the fact
that he’s super talented albeit a self-important humorless asshole.
Never stopped Sean Penn from winning. Twice.
Supporting actress:   Whoopi Goldberg won for Ghost.  Marisa Tomei won
for My Cousin Vinny.  I’m not sure anyone cares at this point.

Flipit: Social Network will win cuz it was a good movie, but also because Hollywood needs to pat themselves on the back and validate their “slander is art” way of life. I want Black Swan to win, but I just don’t see it happening. Maybe if the bulimic cutter had a happier ending, Hollywood could validate it’s “cutting and bulimia is art” way of life, but bitch died in the end so no.

Saint Claire of Assisi: Melissa Leo’s self-funded promotional campaign (The Fighter) will prove successful when she wins Best Actress, and Hollywood will realize what a jerk they’ve been to actresses all these years.

SexyPanda: Probably the King’s Speech, because the Academy either likes to totally pander to the lowest common denominator (Titanic) or shame all of us who don’t feel like sitting through two hours of Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter so we can act all fancy-pants about it.

Lady Stardust: Winter’s Bone was really good, but it probably won’t win. It’s usually a movie I’ve never seen or never heard of, so I’m going to go with The Kids Are Alright.

WaffleBoy: Natalie Portman got super skinny for the movie and knocked up for the award season. She could have spent all her time on camera playing Yankee doodle by making fart sounds with her armpit, and she would win this one in a walk. This also means that another outstanding performance by Annette Benning will go unrewarded, and she will have also spent roughly two decades watching Warren Bettys body decay. By the way, that last sentence was brought to you by the good people at Life’s Unfair, So You’d Just better Learn To Deal With It!

Best Actor: okay, Jesse Esienberg isn’t going to win because he reminds academy voters of that kid down at Starbucks who never gets their latte order right. James Franco is on that soap opera their granddaughter watches, so hell no. Not only did most of the Academy not see Javier Bardem in Biutiful, but a surprising number think it’s not a real movie. Jeff Bridges was great in True Grit, but he won last year, and only serious heavyweights like Tom Hanks get Oscars in consecutive years. Sorry Dude, but you are no Kip Wilson, next! That leaves Colin Firth. Hmm, he has a British accent which is classy, is not an obvious poofter, but is never going to get caught in a car with a hooker on the Sunset Strip (you broke our hearts Hugh Grant. You broke our hearts.). Dingdingding Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Are you a blood relative to the actor, or their agent? Then as Bill Murray so aptly put it, “who really cares?”

Best Picture: I think it’s going to come down to a race between True Grit and The King’s Speech. The Academy is old enough to buy botox by the barrel, and both of these movies would kill at a two o’clock matinee. True Grit is a great movie, but the Cohn Brothers and Jeff Bridges have already won Oscars. The King’s Speech is a feel good movie loosely based on a historical event, and everybody talks with an accent which is always classy. So I think the King’s Speech will win. Never underestimate the power of a classy accent.

TheMiki: Someone hand it to Natalie Portman for Best Actress.  She was pretty terrifying in Black Swan, and it will make up for her never getting proper acclaim for “Natalie’s Rap” which was her true shining moment of glory.  Aronofsky or Nolan for Best Director, although they do love handing that award to whichever movie the least people watching have ever heard of.  Don’t think any nominees have died this year, so there’s no reason why James Franco shouldn’t win Best Actor.  Five bucks says it takes him all of ten minutes to turn that Oscar into a totally bitchin bong.

PottyMouth: The Social Network seems like the pick of the Season.  Why?  I dunno!  Didn’t I just tell you I haven’t seen it?  Personally, I’d love to see True Grit win because, again, HELL YES.

HoneyGangsta: The King’s Speech will win because it is a British production with British actors and British film is hands-down better than an American film. At least that’s what their accents make me believe.

Movies We Wished Would Have Been Nominated

PottyMouth: Let Me In.  It’s so rare that American can remake a foreign film and get it right.  Doesn’t that alone deserve an award?  Should we add a new category?  Best American Non-Fucked Up Remake of an Awesome Foreign Film.

Saint Claire of Assisi: Dogtooth. Fuck you. You didn’t see it, but it was GREAT.

And a bonus 2012 Best Picture prediction: Jack and Jill. Just look at the premise: Adam Sandler plays two parts, a twin brother AND sister, and Al Pacino is in love with the sister. This will be the greatest event in film history.

LadyStardust: I apparently only watch really terrible movies like Clash of the Titans, Prince of Persia (totally worth it for Gyllenhaal abs), and Knight and Day. But I thought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows freaking rocked. This is why I’m not allowed on the Oscar committee.

SexyPanda: Vince Vaughn is long overdue.  His entire catalog is full of gems.  You’re welcome.

TheMiki: If I ran the Oscars then Kick-Ass and Scott Pilgrim would be battling it out for best everything, but I guess that’s why I don’t run the oscars.  Also, those may not have been released in time for this years Oscars.  I have no idea.  Like I said, I hold very little influence over The Academy.

HoneyGangsta: Sex and the City 2 for Best Musical number – Liza doing Beyonce.

Flipit: I think Soapdish should be nominated every single year. He left me for his wife, Rose! HIS WIFE!

Thanks for joining us this week. Put your own predictions in the comments before the live show airs. Whoever gets the most right will win some frozen Milky Ways. xo