**Letter from the Editor: Now, for your final pick from Auditiongasm! Please give a holla for the lovely and talented Pachita!!
Haim’s face pretty much sums up the show.
Well, readers, it’s here! The show we’ve all been dying to see, if for no other reason than we know it will be a total train wreck. You know, like when something so embarrassing happens to a friend that you find yourself laughing maniacally and taking pictures with your cell phone to send out to everyone in your phone book with a ridiculous caption like “Oops, she did it again!”. That’s right; it’s The Two Corey’s!!! I have to admit, I had never heard of it when I was bestowed the honor of recapping it, but a quick Google search told me just what I was in for. “I advise you to stay as far away from The Two Corey’s as possible,” and “In the realm of pop celebrity, the bar has been lowered so far that there is no bar” are just a few of the wonderful reviews I came across. Needless to say, I am super sonic psyched to be taking on such a crap-tastic show and hope you stick around for what can only be a fantasmical season.
In case you are unfamiliar with the premise of the show, the announcer spells it out for us and draws us a diagram complete with stick figures. Here’s the abbreviated version: Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were teen heartthrobs and have spent the last 20 years becoming total losers. Feldman has done a little better for himself than Haim by marrying a total hottie (helloooo Susie!). What I love is that the announcer seems to have been duped into believing Feldman is a “working actor”. Sorry, hombre, I’m not so sure The Surreal Life counts. Now, Haim is moving into the Feldman’s house to jumpstart his career and his life. So, basically, they made a reality version of You, Me and Dupree. Can these former heartthrobs – and a wife – share a house without driving each other crazy? Consider my nails chewed.
For those of you who missed the first episode, don’t worry, it was 100% pushing the limits of sanity. On his first night in the Feldman residence, Haim gets like, totally busted for getting mud on the carpet. He thinks Feldman’s anger is unwarranted and tells him “dude, if you’re going to be this anal, I’ll break you right here right now.” Glad we could settle that in an orderly fashion, gentlemen. Now, who’ll have tea?
Day 2 does not go much smoother. By some strange twist of fate (also known as a duex es machina or ‘producer magic’), one of the head representatives of PETA is coming for her very first visit. Needless to say, this is a muy big deal for the Feldman’s who, in case you hadn’t noticed, are vegans. Don’t worry, Susie, I’m sure Haim will behave himself. Unsurprisingly, he acts like a big jerk, orders pizza and hits on the PETA lady, making Susie cry. The Corey’s talk it out and all is right in the world again.
This week starts off with Susie getting a phone call from Stuff magazine telling her they want her to be in an issue. The fact that Susie is hot is driven home by a very generous shot of her chest. Hey, cameraman, get your head out of the gutters! This is a nice, pure American couple. I mean, come on, they’re vegans! And neat freaks!
Turns out the shoot is going to interfere with a radio interview the Corey’s have the next day for the 20th anniversary of The Lost Boys (which is one of the reasons the Corey’s have reunited). Uh-oh, could this turn out to be a sticky situation for Feldman where he’s torn between his wife and a guy that he used to be pretty good friends with but their fame was short lived and now that part of his life is over? I think so!
The next morning, Haim gets to the radio station and proceeds to tell the receptionist “Hi, I’m supposed to be here with two more people; Corey Feldman and his wife. But I’m on time and they’re late.” HA! Take THAT Feldman’s! Haim basks in the glory of his own promptness until the deejay comments on Feldman’s absence. “I don’t need him, I don’t need him to be here” Haim tells us, although I’m not entirely convinced. It appears he wasn’t around when you were getting ready this morning, and while huge yellow aviator glasses and oversized basketball shorts are SO 2007 and age-appropriate, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you need him to help you get dressed. Seriously, you’re inside now, you can take the glasses off. Can someone get Feldman in here please?
We see the Feldman’s sitting together with Stuff Magazine on speakerphone while the deejays wonder aloud where the missing Corey is. One deejay realizes he’s not coming and I’m not positive but, I think I see him slip Haim a roofie. That’ll teach you to try and stage a comeback this late in the game! They talk a bit about their movies and ask Haim if there’s going to be a Lost Boys sequel. He tells the camera that there’s always been talk of a sequel and he’s hoping that he and Feldman can write one together. Now, I’m going to have to object to this. It’s been 20 years… you’re old… washed up… and probably sporting one too many STD’s for anyone’s liking. How about this; raise your hand if you would like to see a Lost Boys sequel featuring the original Two Corey’s. Anyone? No, I didn’t think so.
When Haim returns to casa de Feldman, the lovebirds are sitting on the couch talking about the shoot. I find myself wondering, how much time has elapsed since Haim left this morning? Because it seems like the Feldman’s have just been sitting around. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no place to point fingers, I’d live on a motorized bed if I could, but doesn’t that seem strange? I think I’m bothered most by her hat. Why would you get all dressed and even put on a cute little hat to sit around your house? Is it a new trend I have yet to hear about? Note to self: buy cute hat for lounging.
Haim comes home and is PISSED (only not really, these two are either really bad actors or are permanently screwed up from too many drugs, because every emotion is just so poorly portrayed) that Feldman didn’t show and tells him to get his game on because he’s being unprofessional. Well! You sure told him! Here’s a little tip for you Haim, from someone who’s had to play sober many a time, it’s a tad more believable if you can keep your eyes focused and not slur your words. They argue about the radio show vs. Stuff spread and I wonder if I should call in and request a death match. Call me barbaric, but I think the show would be a million times better if it involved a fight to the death with gladiator gear.
Am I right or what?
The fight continues to get more ridiculous and displays just how immature both Corey’s are. At one point Susie and Haim are going at it and a sad little boy can be heard in the background going “why can’t we all just be happy?” Oops, my b, that was Feldman… awk-ward! Haim ultimately lays the smack down when he says that Susie isn’t part of The Corey’s, and she never will be. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!
The next day the Corey’s and Susie are flipping through a Stuff magazine trying to get some ideas for her shoot when I have to pause and go find the nearest pair of sunglasses. Either wearing sunglasses indoors is THE thing to do these days (what will those crazy kids come up with next, huh?) or The Corey’s are just 100% backwards. Maybe Feldman is just wearing them so he can rip them off dramatically and make this face:
Lust… Passion… Obsession… Feldman
Turns out they’re both just crazy, because a second later, completely unprovoked, Haim walks away from the gang and asks over his shoulder, “Susan, have I written you a death threat today?” Haim, get organized man! You should have a list of your pending death threats and be crossing them off as they are written, silly! I like to use a red pen for the crossing off; I think it adds a little something special. Oh, and a well placed picture of a hanging stick figure with a sad face and x’s for eyes really shows them you went the extra mile. Happy threatening!
Haim announces that the Lost Boys anniversary premiere is finally here. He (once again) expresses his desire to do a sequel and I wonder, does he legitimately think that there will be a sequel featuring the same actors 20 YEARS LATER? Or is he just playing it up so we feel sorry for him and so the breakdown he has later that we’ve been seeing on previews for weeks seems more real? I don’t know, maybe it’s just because he is such a spectacular actor, but I’m having a hard time telling. And by spectacular I mean _____________ (fill in the blank on your own, I’m going with abysmal).
When they get to the premiere they hitch up with none other than Jameson Newlander!!! Wait, who? Ah, turns out he’s another former actor from Lost Boys. Let the wallowing in self pity and denying of your lack of a career begin! Before the movie, the audience is treated to a question and answer portion with the audience. The first question is from a girl with the worst overjet I’ve ever seen who asks, “Are you guys single?”
I still suck my thumb!
Oh COME ON. There is no way anyone in their right mind would want to date either of them! I mean, sure they were in a few movies that were probably good in their day, but now? They’re not cute and are obviously totally screwed up from child-acting syndrome. It’s pretty obviously that they are still trying desperately to be the people they were in the 80′s. Right down to the attitudes, outfits, and sunglasses. It’s really pretty sad, but I digress. Regardless, I’d take Johnny Depp a la 21 Jump Street over The Corey’s any day of the week.
The Q&A continues and, of course, the question of whether or not a Lost Boys sequel will be made. Feldman takes the easy way out and says he’d be interested if it were the same director and whatnot, Haim says fo shizzle, and Whatshisface says he would 100% absolutely do it no matter what. The audience has a good laugh at his expense (myself included, I find myself throwing popcorn and yelling, “Get off my screen, you’re a disgrace to your family!” I’m really a very compassionate person) and they move on.
During the poster signing, Susie writes her name up on the poster and Haim/Susie clash continues. Haim, lets be realistic, Feldman is obviously going to choose his hot wife (who is WAAAAAAY out of his league, no?) over your sorry ass 9 times out of 10, lets give it a rest, k? Although, upon further inspection, I have the sneaking suspicion that the Feldman we see before us is nothing more than a robot. Maybe it’s editing, maybe he’s just that much of a wet towel, but he seems to do and agree with everything Susie says. Haim and Whatshisface want to go out and tell Feldman to come along. Feldman just kind of stares at the guys, which I suppose means he’s not going. What’s really creepy is the way Susie is staring at Feldman while he responds. It’s as if she’s willing him to say no with her mind alone. It’s sinister… it’s diabolical… it could do wonders for my evil empire, teach me Susie!
Excellent… now go fix momma a martini.
Feldman ultimately declines, but invites Whatshisface over for breakfast. Oh Corey, you are so lame! What kind of pansy man invited his friends over for breakfast? I treat my friends to body shot
s and lap dances, come on! The Feldman’s head home for some hot vegan action while Haim and Whatshisface head out for the most happening bar in town. Seriously, they are RAGING. I haven’t partied that hard since that time in college when I woke up naked in the middle of an O’Hare landing strip covered in maple syrup. 2/3 of The Lost Boys sure know how to party!
“WAIT, WHAT? I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC”
“I SAID THOSE GIRLS AT THE BAR ARE HELLA CUTE, BRO!”
Seriously though, this ‘bar’ is obviously on an extra set they had next to the movie premiere. This is evidenced by the ladder in the background and LACK OF ANY OTHER PEOPLE. They spend most of the night talking about how radical a Lost Boy’s sequel would be. Honestly, if this guy were any more desperate I’d write him a letter on counterfeit letterhead saying we wanted him for the starring role in Lost Boys II, Grandpa’s Revenge in hopes that the camera crew would get his reaction for season 2. Turns out, I’m a bad person. Sue me.
The next morning the gang is over for breakfast where Susie is making eggs and veggie bacon. We get an ECU of the veggie bacon and it literally looks like someone cut pink construction paper into strips and laid them into the pan. Susie, I get it, YOU’RE VEGAN, I don’t care!
I wouldn’t feed this to my dog
Over this delicious and nutritious breakfast of cardboard, Haim brings up – what else? – A Lost Boys sequel. Jesus H. Christ, boy, there is not going to be a sequel! Get it through your flipping head. In retrospect, I should have made this into a drinking game. If you take a shot every time Haim mentions a sequel, you’ll be halfway to O’Hare in no time at all! He and Whatshisface start brainstorming and it just goes from bad to worse, which makes me wonder again how serious they’re being. I’m pretty sure Whatshisface is just messing around. Maybe Haim is the only one that really expects something out of this. The Feldmans put an end to the craziness and say that after 20 years it wouldn’t be done right and probably shouldn’t be done at all. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, FELDMANS. It’s about time someone voiced this. Haim does not seem pleased by this response.
The Corey’s have sufficiently made it awkward for everyone at the table and Whatshisface takes off. Once he’s gone, Haim continues to talk about the sequel and I completely fly off the handle. I’ve already broken several plates and am hanging out my window when Feldman sits him down for a little chat. I realize that plummeting to a certain death will prevent me from seeing the Haim breakdown I’ve been waiting for all week and take a seat back on the couch.
Feldman tells Haim that Warner Brothers is already making a Lost Boys 2, and they are not going to be in it. He reveals that they asked him to do a cameo, prompting Haim to quickly reply, “what about me?” HA, the truth hurts don’t it, home-slice? That’s what you get. That is what you get for making me break things that don’t even really belong to me. HA! Okay, the conversation continues and I get kind of sad. It must have been really hard growing up in the spotlight. The fame and fortune is a double-edged sword if I’ve… okay, okay, I’m sorry. I couldn’t even keep a straight face for that one. Cry me a freaking river. Haim starts crying, Feldman consoles him and they start making out… it gets weird. It ends with a big Corey hug and Haim gets a little too touchy-feely for my liking.
I love you, man. Can you feel it? Can you feel my love on your hip?
Well, that was interesting. Now on to the fun stuff! Its time for the Stuff shoot! While The Feldman’s get ready, Haim comes in and tells them he’s going for a walk. What are they, his parents? Why does he need to announce this? Is he not free to go where he wants while staying with them? They feign concern for him until the doorbell rings. Stuff time! The Stuff crew consists of what seems like 8,000 people. They set up shop and start taking their pictures. The real attraction here is not Susie, but their dog who I’ve named Roy. Turns out if Susie’s career (PS – what does she do? Anyone have any idea?) doesn’t take off from this shoot, Roy is proving to be a promising addition to the world of PlayDog pictures.
Ooh, fierce! Now give me coy…
The shoot goes smoothly, and later that night the Feldman’s are lounging around and wondering where Haim is. Apparently, he’s been gone the entire day (again, time frame unclear) and they are starting to worry. He walks in just as they are sitting down to eat and is carrying what looks like a big Tiffany’s box! Ooh la la! Note to self: get on Corey Haim’s good side, he gives good gifts.
Well, what the big softy had been doing all day was shopping for a wedding present for them. A very very belated wedding present (as they’ve been married for 4 years, you ass) and tells them it’s an ‘I love you, I’m happy you guys are married present’. Aww! The credits start rolling as Feldman asks when Haim is going home. Umm, guys, wouldn’t that kind of put an end to the show? I mean, considering how desperate for a comeback you all seem, maybe we should avoid duration of visit talks on air, you think?
That brings us to the end of episode 2, what did you all think? The show seems to be pretty shit-tastic and I’m not quite sure what they will do for the rest of the season, but at least we can get some laughs out of it in the meantime, right? I do know one thing; there will DEFINITELY be a drinking game incorporated into next weeks. I guess all there is left to do is clean up the broken glass and go buy a few bottles. Till next time, you stay classy Gasmi.
PS – where in the world is Zen Feldman? Anyone know why the first 2 episodes showed no sign or mention of the Feldman’s 2 year old son???