I like to brag to my family about myself in hopes that my Nanny and Poppy will decide once and for all that I’m their favorite grandchild, so I told them about the show and my recaps. Oh, and I may have added that I am the next Walter Cronkite. When they said they would watch I implored them, “No, NO! Save yourself, wait for the recaps!” But they would not heed my warning. Five minutes into the show I received an influx of text messages saying things like, “Definitely the worst show ever. I am going to sleep.” And, “This isn’t journalism! You are a liar and a fraud, don’t’ come home for Christmas!” Who needs em, gasmii? I have a new family now, and they’re The Two Coreys!
In case you’ve forgotten, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were teen heartthrobs before I could walk (I was a late bloomer, tee-hee!) and are now totally worthless. Haim is living with Feldman and his wife (while their two-year-old son wanders the streets selling his body for food and shelter, btw) in hopes that he can jumpstart his life. Can these two former heartthrobs, and a wife, live together without being investigated by child services?
This week’s episode is centered around Haim’s love life. The Coreys are playing pool in what appears to be a teen-Feldman mausoleum while they discuss a plan for getting Haim some action. They go back and forth until Feldman says, “Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get you laid, we go for.” Hey, Corey, that’s really sweet and all, but I don’t think hiring Haim a prostitute is going to help anybody. Except maybe the prostitute- once they get on a celebrity they can increase their rates 20%! I know because I… read it… somewhere. I bet they could get like, 10% for Haim. If they lie and say it was Feldman.
“Okay, be honest: do you like my hair better long or short?”
As the discussion continues, they get into all of Haim’s ex-girlfriends and start a harrowing game of what I like to call “Drop That Name!” Turns out Scott Baio introduced Haim to one of his former loves. OMG, McSteeny, did you hear that?! We’re practically sisters!
Haim continues to lament the fact that he has no way to meet women because, according to him, he doesn’t go to bars anymore. Now that, my friend, is a blatant lie. I know, because I saw him at a bar myself just last week.
Although this probably shouldn’t count…
Feldman tells Haim maybe he should try another method of meeting girls. You know, one that doesn’t involve saying “Hey, wanna do a Lost Boy?” or “I’ve got a License to Drive, you’ve got a license to get freaky” to anything with lady parts that bumps into you while you wait for your 7&7 (he would drink those). Feldman suggests speed dating, to which Haim balks “would you do that?” No, Corey, he’s married. And even if he weren’t, he still wouldn’t do it. Because he’s not desperate.
The Feldmans and Haim are in the kitchen talking about speed dating as Susie checks the boys’ tickets. Oh, wait, they’re not getting on a train, it’s just another one of Susie’s indoor hats. Don’t judge her; she’ll wear whatever she choo-choo-chooses (HA! I slay me).
Haim ultimately decides to go ahead and give speed dating a try. See, ladies? THIS is why I don’t do speed dating. Because in addition to all the total freakazoids that are out there, you may just run into Corey Haim. And while vomit-induction is acceptable in times of stress, holiday gorging, and general fatness, I really could do without it while trying to meet my soul mate in 7 minutes or less. Luckily for this particular batch of fine lasses, the predetermined amount of time is 4 minutes. Turns out 4 minutes is all anyone can stand with Corey Haim (at least that’s what my Poppy tells me).
Haim takes a unique and, I would imagine, super effective approach to speed dating by telling each girl what he isn’t looking for. He ends up ranting about not wanting to get involved with actresses because they’re fake and materialistic. Corey, sweetie, lets not forget you’re speed dating. Beggars can’t be choosers. Except for that homeless man who denied my leftovers from Capital Grille. He was the choosiest beggar I’ve ever met. So infuriated was I (he just would not hear how delish the tilapia was), and so fast-acting were the Stoli-Doli’s I had imbibed, that I found myself throwing the leftovers to the ground and stomping on them as I screamed “fine, FINE! I DIDN’T WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY. HAVE FUN EATING OUT OF A DUMPSTER WHILE I BURN $50′S FOR FUN!!” I don’t know why I said that. I’ve never even seen a fifty dollar bill, let alone had one to burn. It was a low-point in my life… anger-management came shortly thereafter… I don’t really want to talk about it.
Back at Chez Feldman, the power couple is having sexy parties all over the place. Except they weren’t. Haim bursts into their bedroom and they are both fully clothed (blast!), lying on their sides facing the door. On the list of things they were NOT doing, nudie fun time is #1. Strange, it seems they were almost awaiting Haim’s interruption. That can’t be, though, this is reality TV! There’s no scripting in Two Coreys, right? RIGHT?!
Rated G. So the kids can watch, too!
Outside, the Feldmans are taking Roy for a walk and discussing their lack of a sex life. Susie says she just isn’t comfortable doing the deed with Corey in the house because he keeps barging in on them. Sorry, broseph, she just doesn’t like you like that.
When they get home, Haim tells them he is going to the park with someone he met online. Oh my gosh, this is like a Lifetime Sunday afternoon special in the making! I’m sure it would be titled something cleverly ambiguous like, I Met Him on the Internet. Why in gods name would you meet up with a stranger from the internet? You could find yourself face to face with, well, Corey Haim! And the list of ways I will never try to meet people gets longer.
Haim gets to the… I’m not even sure what one would call such a place. It’s not so much a park as it is an indoor field. Literally, I thought it was an ice rink at first. It wasn’t until I had about 7 pages of chemistry equations written out trying to remember the lab where we turned ice green and fuzzy that I realized it was grass.
Ohh, its TWO grams of Sodium Biphosphate! Silly Pachita!
It turns out that Webgirl is actually kind of cute and they are at the fuzzy ice rink to play Frisbee! Could someone explain the appeal of Frisbee to me? I just don’t get why people have such a blast throwing a plastic disc around. Maybe I’m just jealous. I can’t throw a single thing without breaking something. Seriously, I bought the dog a rubber ball once and within an hour had single-handedly broken 3 of our 4 lamps . The regulars at the park even made me sign an agreement saying I would no longer throw tennis balls around because I was constantly nailing people with them (totally on accident, I swear)!
Back at the house, Feldman is playing video games while Susie folds laundry. Ooh, kinky! This inevitably turns into a makeout party. I really should refrain from eating for at least 8 hours before the show. Susie stops Corey just as the plane is taking off to say she’s going to brush her teeth. HA! Feldman looks super dejected and goes back to his video game.
Things are really starting to heat up between Haim and Webgirl, and she’s even started to lose some clothes! Don’t worry, they’re not “sealing the deal”, it’s just getting warm out on the ice. She asks Haim why he needs to get dates on the internet and he tells her it’s because he lost a bet. LOL, Corey Haim, LOL. What a (hilarious) jerk! The girl has a really pained look that tells me it’s not the first time a first date has given her a proverbial slap in the face.
Feldman is still waiting for Susie to “brush her teeth” (aka change her robot clone into the same clothes she was wearing so Feldman won’t know the difference when he’s making love on her [ah, A.D. jokes will never get old]). In the meantime, he sets the mood by dimming the lights and firing up some candles. He also… covers the couch with a blanket. Wow. I’m sorry, I’m at a loss here. On the list of things I did not ever in my life need to see, its Corey Feldman laying down a love-juice catcher for an impromptu romp with his wife. Talk amongst yourselves while I take a scalding hot shower.
I feel dirty just posting this
Haim and his date are still at Frisbee and playing the getting-to-know-you game as well. Namely, Haim is just saying things like “woah!” and “watch it girl, I need those!” every time she throws to him. He finally (after about 5 minutes of that, no joke) asks what some of her hobbies are and she tells him she’s an actress. This is cleverly set to the sound effect of a bomb dropping.
Haim throws his arms up and says “just like everyone else”. He immediately starts giving her the century-old “uh, I’m getting kinda tired” and “don’t you want to go shower?” and BOOKS. Okay, so I may hate myself later for saying this but, if this is the real Corey Haim, he is the kind of guy I’d love to get drunk and make fun of people with. For realsies.
Feldman is still waiting on the naughty blanket when Susie comes down. That tricky little harlot, she wasn’t brushing her teeth! She was changing into sexy time clothes! Which, incidentally, looks just like a blouse that my former roommate totally has in blue.
They are just starting to bow-chick-bow-wow when, surprise surprise, Haim walks in. The contrived coincidences on this show never cease to amaze me. Anywho, he tells the Feldmans that the date blew goat chunks. He then informs the viewers that what really sucks about this whole dating thing is he has a girl who he’s in love with, but she lives in England. Uh-huh, quite the predicament you’re in. So, instead of going to England to see said love interest, you move in to Feldman’s house and constantly talk about how you can get laid and ask how to meet girls? That makes sense. And sounds really healthy.
Haim asks Feldman to the gym so they can have a chat. You read that correctly, Haim is working out and Feldman is watching while they discuss Jojo (Haim’s lady love from England). It actually does sound like a pretty sincere conversation on Feldman’s end. He asks how much this girl really means to Haim and if she’s seen him at his worst.
“You mean has she seen me at 275 lbs?” Haim says and I laugh so heartily that I decide I can skip my crunch class tomorrow. Corey, I really hope for your sake that she has not.
Meatloaf’s long lost cousin
Back at home, Haim works up the nerve to call his overseas lass. She does sound pretty happy to hear from him and he tells her, “I’m going through like, I don’t know, maybe like a life-change, maybe like a… I don’t know… I know I miss ya…” Oh, Haim, how eloquent! You are a bard in my eyes! He tells her that he wants to fly her to Feldman’s for the weekend and she delays as she files an online restraining order. They’re quick, easy, and save you a trip to the precinct! She tells him she needs to think about it and calls him back 5 minutes later telling her she’s in. They both say “I love you” and hang up. PS – when he hangs up the phone he goes “BOOM” like he’s the playingest playa on the block. Give me a break.
Susie and a girlfriend are getting pedicures and discussion Jojo’s visit. I find it hilarious that Susie’s girlfriend looks so much like her husband. It’s almost alarming, really. But, it can’t be Feldman, they’re getting pedicures!
“Ohh, yes! You, my friend, are a magician!”
Haim heads to a florist to pick up some flowers for Jojo and is off to the airport. As people come through the gate he greets everyone with a fake English accent and thinks he is the funniest person in the world. I’m trying to will one of the passengers into giving him a good flogging with my mind but alas, no luck. Jojo finally comes out and she’s cute! What is she doing with him?! They kiss a few times and head out.
They arrive back at the Feldmans and Corey has put on his Sunday best for her! What a gentleman, that Feldman is. Either that, or Haim and Susie decided to trick him into thinking Jojo’s welcome dinner was Hawaiian-themed.
“You guys are assholes.”
They have a nice dinner, after which Haim lures Jojo upstairs to him dungeon of gross (this man is more of a slob than my sister, who had ‘no idea’ why her room smelled funky until I pointed out a week-old bowl of half eaten cereal) for a good old fashioned makeout party. For some reason Feldman followed them up and said “oh my gosh guys, too much information!” Hey, Corey, it’s really nice that you try and keep up with the times, but you keep using these phrases out of context. Seriously, stick to what you know… listening to Susie.
That brings us to the end of everyone’s favorite Sunday nightcap. I can hardly wait for next week’s when nothing of any importance happens! Until next time, stay classy gasmii!