Hey gang! Sorry about the lack of recaps last week, I was stuck on a never-ending vacation. I knew I just had to get back to my favorite middle-aged delinquents, so I fearlessly endured the perilous journey full of hurricanes, tornados, and countless crying children in airports around the world to get back to my men. I mean, come on, wouldn’t you? These aren’t just any men, they’re the Two Coreys!
Boys, BOYS! Don’t fight over lil’ ole me!
So here’s what we missed: While Haim is preoccupied with Jojo, Feldman and Susie realize it is the perfect time to get away and take off for Whistler. Their vacation bliss is short lived, however, by another one of Haim’s “like, totally life-changing, like, stuff” moments. Haim shows up at their hotel the next morning insisting he has to talk to Feldman. Who knew the vacation wouldn’t go as planned?!
While they are chatting, Feldman learns that Haim wants to marry Jojo and anyone watching learns that Haim needs to go back to first-grade. He tells Feldman, “Dude, I’ve been engaged twice; once to Nicole Eggert, once to Krick, once to Taryn – you know this – and once to that chick from the autograph show.” Yikes, not only did you just admit you were so drugged up back then that you forgot the name of a woman you were engaged to, but my abacus and I are pretty sure that makes four.
The following episode is all about Corey’s band. The entire half hour is a plug for Corey Feldman’s Truth Movement. Or, as I like to call them, Corey Feldman’s Awful. Haim wants to surprise Feldman by setting a gig up for him. Poor, simple-minded Haim doesn’t realize how much work it is to make a talent-less band seem halfway decent, so they bring in Tim Stinson. Apparently, he is a legendary tour manager. But if you ask me, he looks kind of like that creepy guy who has the bizarre ability to clear a room of children due to their mothers shoving them into the cars when he comes around. I mean really, would you take advice from this man?
After much unnecessary drama, we see Corey Feldman’s Truth Movement perform at the end. It was the highlight of my entire year.
Yes, that is Corey Feldman. And yes, he is wearing a fuzzy top hat. Perfect.
This week’s episode starts out with Haim in the kitchen making breakfast for Lady Jojo. He is showing off his culinary prowess by multi-tasking his ass off. A little whisk over here, some buttering over there, flipping what I’m fairly certain is Playdoh on the stove… He must be using little Zen Feldman’s Meal Makin’ Kitchen. Silly Haim, that’s not real food!
He arranged everything nicely on the tray and heads upstairs, passing Susie on his way. Susie gets down to the kitchen and is P-I-S-E-D at the mess (Sweetest Thing reference, purposely misspelled). Seriously, it looked as if he had stood at the refrigerator and thrown things around the kitchen. There didn’t even seem to be much food on the tray, but every condiment imaginable was spilled on the counter somehow. Cue my Poppy saying, “Looks like Hurricane Corey came through here!” as he did to me every single time he saw the disaster that was my room. Oh Poppy!
Corey gets up to the room where Jojo is dressed, packed and ready to leave. If I were the sound effects guy, I’d insert a “wah wah wah waaah” right there. When he asks what’s going on she tells him she needs to go home. Apparently, this lady is a lady and prefers the company of men with a side of COMMITMENT. Haim just kind of mumbles nothing in particular and I can see the utter disbelief in his eyes. Jojo, this is Corey Haim we’re talking about here. Who the F do you think you are? No one says no to Corey Haim, NO ONE! Jojo repeats that she can’t stay unless there’s some kind of commitment and the disbelief turns to tears (meaning I just won my “That puss is bound to cry more than once this season” bet.)
Ever the gracious hostess, Susie is still fuming over the mess Haim left in the kitchen. Feldman comes strolling in and I, again, find myself at a loss for words. He is wearing a long black bathrobe, dark sunglasses, and a black baseball cap. Apparently, he is reliving the glory days of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but has forgotten he played Donatello, not Splinter. I cannot believe he has even managed to ruin the Turtles for me.
Anyway, Susie is irate because Haim cooked bacon in their pans. They discuss what the pigs name was and how much of the pig he cooked. Feldman says its name was probably Babe or Wilbur and I wonder if they really wouldn’t be able to come up with something more creative. I would throw out a few examples but I come up with pretty killer names and don’t want to give any away.
Susie ultimately tells Feldman that Haim has officially overstayed his welcome. Now, I have touched upon this in an earlier recap (to no avail, apparently). If Haim were to leave, the show would be ruined, no? Unless, of course, they continued Two Coreys as a sitcom where Haim is the Feldman’s zany neighbor. If that were the case, though, I’m fairly certain I could walk to my neighbors with a video camera and record our everyday interactions for the same effect (which, incidentally, would be infinitely more entertaining. I have a theory my neighbor is a serial killer of sorts. It would make for a wild ride full of mystery and intrigue. Methinks I’d call it Sexy Ass Pachitas…or something.)
Haim is still trying to wrap his mind around committing as Jojo says her goodbyes. No one seems to be surprised by the untimely departure which gets my spidey-senses tingling. If this isn’t entirely contrived, they must not be the most frugal bunch. You can’t just waltz into an airport and say you want to get on the next plane to London. Not only do last minute flights cost a pretty penny, but they will be metal-wanding your unmentionables so fast you won’t know what hit ya!
Back at casa de Feldman, we find Susie flipping through the classifieds for a new house. Feldman is against moving because he says change makes him uncomfortable. I laugh for a while at the idea of change making him uncomfortable. I mean, I would think a man who’s afraid of change would subconsciously remain in a state of arrested development at the stage of his life he was most satisfied. Like, oh I don’t know, fame and fortune in the teen years? But that is SO not Corey Feldman, right? Funny how he would say something like that, isn’t it? Yeah. Anyway, they decide to go later and look at some houses.
So, everyone has something they do when they’re home alone. I, for one, like to put on a pair of the 6-inch heels I keep buying in eternal anticipation of a gala or something equally fabulous to wear them to. I don’t actually do anything else, just continue with my nothing. Its always just about the time I’m starting to feel super fancy and contemplate putting on a dress to match when my boyfriend walks in, sees me, and shakes his head sadly as he walks back out the door. I really should change the locks… but, I digress. Turns out when Haim is alone he wanders aimlessly looking for someone who might have stayed behind unbeknownst to him. It’s actually pretty sad, like a game of Marco Polo gone awry.
He finally decides to go shopping for art supplies to make a painting for his hosts. Considering he is 1) a grown man 2) not, in fact, an artist and 3) possibly retarded; I am already contemplating all the ridiculous[ly stupid] things we are in for when he asks a salesperson if they sell glow-in-the-dark paint and black lights. Ooh, this should be a good one! Needless to say, Haim does not disappoint. He sets up shop in the kitchen and proceeds to “paint”. I use the term loosely because it starts like this:
…and ends like this:
It’s just bad.
Feldman and Susie arrive home in time to see Picasso himself at work. Susie is once again furious that her kitchen is in such disarray and this time she really does seem to be upset. Don’t worry, Susie, if my houseguest painted me something that looked like it had been run over a couple of times by a car with a leaking oil tank and expected me to hang it in my house, I’d be mad too. They start arguing back and forth and I stop listening, mainly because it’s a lot of the same. My ears perk up when Haim says “why don’t I just cook up some cocaine and smoke it right here. How about I make myself at home that way?” Mmm, crack! Now, tell me Corey, how much baking powder do you use? Because, gosh darn it, I just can’t seem to get it right!
The fight continues to escalate and Haim finally says, “You know what? Its time for me to go home. This is enough, I’ve had enough.” This I find pretty amusing. Enough of what, exactly? Doing absolutely nothing? Destroying your friend’s house with no consequences? Leeching off said friend because he has been slightly more successful than you? Susie, of course, is all for it. Nothing is actually decided though, and everyone retreats to separate corners of the house.
What do you know, right after Haim declares his departure, Feldman gets a call from his manager who says that someone has written a script that he want the two Coreys for. I have to pause and It is at this point where I just cannot even pretend that any of this is real anymore. There is no way that a writer somewhere thought to himself, ‘hey, you know who would be great in this? The Coreys!
Feldman is torn, because he knows that Susie doesn’t want Haim to stay in the house any longer. He also knows that having Haim stay is the only way to prolong the show (unless A&E is looking to pick up a fun new dramedy! We can discuss the title, have your people call my people!), which is their only shot at a comeback. He brings it to Susie first, telling her that Haim will still leave the following day, but may have to come back to work on the project. It goes without saying the Susie is not too happy about this one. Tensions are flaring in the Feldman house today and all I have to say is, WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHER F***ER BURN!
When Feldman approaches Haim about the project, Haim asks “you know this guy? He does good work?” Oh, SPARE ME. Like you are in any position to be choosy about who you work with. Someone is offering you a job! A perfectly good job! Good lord, I’m having tunnel-vision and flashes of Capital Grille all over again, what is wrong with this man?!
The Coreys meet with Feldman’s agent and they get on the phone with some industry people. On the phone with the writer is Jay Black, whom Haim affectionately calls “Jay Black White Guy.” Well, glad we’ve added ‘racist’ to your long list of personal attributes, Haim. Thanks for that. They get to talking about the movie and it is literally the worst idea for a movie I have ever heard. Scratch that, it is the worst ANYTHING I have ever heard, and I’ve heard a lot of bad things. I’ve even created a lot of bad things (e.g. my attempted homemade anything) and this is still the worst. It will be called The Line and will be about all the characters waiting in line at a comic book convention. The Coreys will be two of the “characters” in the line. What can I even say about that?!
Tee-hee, I’m ignorant!
Back at the house, Feldman and Susie go into a room and shut the door to discuss Haim staying for the duration of this project (which everyone is so psyched about they want to start immediately). Haim, being a huge asshole, crouches outside the door and listens. When he hears Susie saying several times “he can’t stay here,” he barges in and they start arguing. Yeah, remember when I said “I may hate myself later for saying this but I’d totally get drunk and make fun of people with Haim”? Yeah, I hate myself. But I hate Haim more.
The fight continues to escalate as Haim tells Feldman to keep Susie on a leash. Wow, the inappropriate comments just keep on coming today, huh? We find ourselves at the “we’re a team, you don’t have a team” fight we’ve been seeing in previews all season. Ultimately, Haim turns to Susie and straight up says “why are you such a fucking bitch?!” Upon hearing this, Feldman flies off the handle and goes after Haim. Although Feldman is small and probably couldn’t do much damage to the crack-addled Haim, this entire fight elates me. I just really hope that someday, someone knocks the shit out of Corey Haim. And I don’t think I’m alone on that.
“Dude, how’s my breath?”
When all is said and done and Haim has stormed off, Feldman starts crying to Susie about how he needs to control his temper. After all, he hasn’t knocked someone out like that in a long time. Woah, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. It was uber-chivalrous of you to stick up for your wife and all, but I’m pretty sure the damage inflicted was minimal. Feldman was totally “that guy” in gym class who everyone moved infield for when it was his turn at bat.
Haim had simply said “I’m gone” when the fight was over and went to pack up his stuff. Now he comes down with his bags and has his cell phone on speaker while he’s on hold with a cab company. As he walks by Feldman and Susie he says “I’m just going to stay out of your guys’ way until a cab gets here.” He then continues to mill around the house for a while as I laugh about how awkward that must be. Finally, a cab arrives and as he drives away we are treated to a sappy montage of the Coreys in action.
Well, I haven’t been able to sleep for the last few nights. I am worried sick that this could this be the end of the former dynamic duo. What do you guys think, will Haim ever lay off the rock? Will they be forced to end the show and pick mine up? More importantly, will I be able to find Haim’s painting on Ebay?