Recap: Two Coreys: A Clip Show?

Welcome back, gang! I don’t know about you all, but I had a super-fantabulous weekend. I indulged in a three day binge of Sex and the City (it was unhealthy. I don’t think I changed my clothes or ate any food until the end) followed by ‘grocery shopping’ where I came home with no food and 2 new pairs of shoes (the unavoidable consequence of binging on said show).

Just when I thought my weekend couldn’t get any more delightful, I realized it was Two Coreys night! My elation was short lived when I realized that this was no ordinary episode of the Coreys, it was a clip show. You read that correctly, the final installment of the television equivalent of the love-of-my-life is the television equivalent of Shepherds Pie (which my roommate hated with every fiber of her being because she was convinced it consisted of all the 3-day leftovers in the fridge mashed into a pie tin). I couldn’t help but wonder (love ya Carrie!), what could a clip show offer us? Let’s find out!

Aww, I’ll miss you too Haim!

The narrator gives us a run-down of the Coreys’ pasts, as if we weren’t already well aware of their successes and failures. We are taken way back to the arrival of Senor Haim and I notice while Feldman is welcoming him that he says “you’ve lost like, 100 pounds since the last time I saw you!” And, although we’ve disproved the reality of anything on the show several times over, I still find it hilarious. Some best friend you are, Feldman. Haim gains a few (hundred) pounds and you bail? If only their dialogue was Laguna caliber, I bet it would be much more entertaining.

Feldman: “OMG, you like, totally look hot now!”

Haim: “Umm, F U, Broseph, way to ditch me just because I was bloated”

F: “Chill out, dude, you were totally a cow!”

H: “Ugh, whatever.”

F: “Hug it out, bitch?”

H: “Fine, but only if I can grab Susie’s ass.”

F: “Cool beans, turns out I’m totally asexual.”

The clip show is being hosted by Mr. and Mrs. Corey Feldman and their big orange couch o’ circles. What is with this couch? In previous recaps I have avoided discussing it like the plague but I just cannot silence myself any longer. Where does one find a couch like this? It’s inconceivable that it would be comfortable, and wouldn’t really work anywhere other than the white abyss that they’re in. Are there other couches like it? Does it come in any other colors? How much could this thing possibly cost? My gosh, it’s a complete enigma. An eyesore and an enigma.

Okay, hum the X-Files theme song while you stare. Pretty trippy!

The Feldmans tell us all about Haim’s visit and how nuts it drove them. To be honest, it’s really just more of the same. We see clips of the Coreys being competitive, the Coreys smoking, the Coreys doing a little male bonding in a smoke-hut (awk-ward!) and a whole lot of shots of Feldman in the same red tee/patterned long sleeve combo. I’m starting to think that the entire season was filmed over the course of maybe 2 weeks. Either that, or Susie was majorly slacking in the laundry department.

The narrator reminds us that with Haim moving in with the Feldmans, it would be like 1987 all over again. Yikes, 1987? No thank you. That was when my Nanny decided she was going to cut my hair and I looked like a boy for a year. How about ’91? The year of my zebra print mini-skirt and hot pink tank top with a cartoon zebra on the chest. It was a very good year. I know the narrator meant they would revert to child-like behavior once reunited, but I’m pretty sure Haim acts that ridiculous and ignorant anywhere he goes.

One of the highlights of the half hour is when the Feldmans inform us that, although Haim is constantly saying Feldman needs to cut the umbilical (which Feldman pronounces AM-bilical. Who needs school?) from Susie, it’s actually Haim who is still attached at the umbilical. To his mother. I laugh my ass off as we see about 20 clips of Haim calling his mother at all hours of the night, getting frustrated when she doesn’t pick up, stressing out over “major things”, and basically just annoying the crap out of this poor, poor woman. We actually caught a glimpse of her at the beginning, and I’d bet good money that I know exactly what’s running through her head every time her phone rings.

Is it too late for an abortion?

Our next “come on, watch us! We’re funny, see?” montage was of the Coreys and their lack of a vocabulary. Apparently Corey Haim’s inability to master the English language appropriately resulted in his saying nonsense words in response to anything. The most hilarious thing about this is that all the words are an extension of “shabba”. Haim, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, get your head in the game! Shabba-[insert suffix] is all you can come up with when you’re feeling wacky? Even my mother can come up with more nonsense than that. When I mentioned my friend Jen on the phone once, she told me to tell “Safety Bear” she said hello. Sure, she may have been drunk and/or on painkillers, but Haim’s apparently doing crack, so he’s really going to need to step it up.

We are then forced to revisit the episode that was all about sex and I resist the urge to vomit. Why, Corey Feldman, why? It was painful enough the first time! We do get to see, however, that while Lady Jojo was in town, Feldman cock-blocked at every turn just to get back at Haim. Just as I’m pulling on my Team Feldman shirt (who says fair-weathered isn’t fun?) we see a clip of Feldman doing something stupid and I rip it off and burn it. Ah well, back to topless. Thanks for nothing, Feldman.

Trust me, Corey, I feel the same way about you having sex.

At the end of the hour we relive the big fight and see Haim leave once again. As the Feldmans wonder aloud whether the Coreys will ever be friends again in what I assume is an attempted cliffhanger, I wonder aloud whether they really think there will EVER be a second season. The cold, hard realization sets in as I realize, this is my last Two Coreys recap. I consider shedding a single tear for dramatic effect before realizing that Best Weekend Ever ’07 is finishing up quite nicely. It has been a pleasure recapping for all of you and I can only hope that my next show has a few more viewers from the site! I’ll be covering Nashville next, starting 09/14. It looks promising and I, personally, am looking forward to one helluva hoedown. Till next time, you stay classy Gasmii!