Turkey-A-Days

It’s that time of year again! Thanksgiving in Hoover, Alabama! At least, such was the case in the latest Two-A-Days episode, which amusingly aired just in time for Canadian Thanksgiving (whattup, Quebeckers!). Anyway, I realize this episode aired a week ago, but on the day I was planning to write this recap, I actually went to a football game in San Diego, and I think if there’s any reason to put off Two-A-Days, it’s for football, am I right? Even Coach Propst couldn’t fault me for that. Well, I suppose he could, but luckily, he’s on the other side of the country from me, probably spitting on a fern as we speak.

Nevertheless, Thanksgiving in high school football means one thing: play-offs, baby! Would the Bucs be able to persevere through personal strife and reach the state championships? Find out after the jump!The latest episode began on a semi-pastoral note: Alex and his new sidekick Cory trekked down to a river to go fishing. It was kind of heartwarming, except for the fact that this particular fishing hole seemed to be located off the shoulder of I-95. Plus, I wouldn’t necessarily call the brown water some of Alabama’s finest. Nevertheless, the two guys passed the time talking about Kristin and how things were going on that front. Alex said all was good, but unfortunately, they’d been fighting a lot. So Alex, the proper answer would be “all wasn’t good.”

We then saw a passing flock of ducklings, who I think were supposed to represent something or another — fertility? Happiness? Football? I like to leave the metaphorical nature imagery to Mark Burnett and his legion of crabs, rats, and snakes.

Anyway, Cory then reiterated some advice his father had previously given Alex, and that was that when they reach college, Alex had “better keep your damn pants zipped up ’til you gotta pee.” What if he needed to take a dump? Could he unzip them then? I’m sorry, I don’t get Southern truisms.

As for this great fishing endeavor, we finally saw some action on Alex’s rod. His big catch of the day? A stick. Bravo, good sir. To be fair, the only thing I’ve ever caught while fishing has been a twig, rings for a six-pack, and some sort of leafy conglomeration.

A few days later at the lunch room, we learned officially that it was playoffs time and that the team was one game away from the state finals. Unfortunately, star cheerleader and nagging girlfriend Kristin wouldn’t be able to attend this week’s playoff game because she had to go to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. Seemed kind of random, but then we learned it was to visit her grandparents. But why don’t they just come down to Hoover? “Because they’re both REALLY SICK!” Kristin snapped at Alex when he joked about her lack of support. Yes, apparently Kristin’s grandparents both had cancer, which means that I really can’t make jokes anymore. Blast!

Well, after Kristin explained this about five times, Max suddenly turned to her and sincerely asked, “Wait, where you going?” God, keep up with the story, people! It’s not that hard! Her grandparents have cancer, and she’s visiting them in Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. ENOUGH.

Afterwards, we then saw Max walking in the hallway, staring out the window at the rain falling. “Rainy days make me so sad and depressed,” he said. “I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry.” Wow. Methinks young Max might be in need of some therapy. That was instantly the most depressing moment of the entire series.

In practice, we learned the team would be facing “Old Mountain” (oh wait, it was Oak Mountain), who were known for their great defensive football. Ah, but could they spit like Propst? I THINK NOT. Max then rambled on about how the defensive coordinator, Coach Pruitt, had taught him so much stuff about football — although, clearly nothing about asparagus.

Meanwhile, over on the sideline was Max’s stepfather who told us that Max was only a pretty good player, not great. He HATES supporting his stepson!

The next day, Alex roamed the hallways, looking for his girlfriend, but a hyper, gossipy girl informed him that she had already left for PA. But wait! There she was! She hadn’t left after all! Luckily, the gossipy girl rapidly explained all: “Oh, I told him you already left because I thought you did.” WELL, SHE DIDN’T LEAVE, YOU STUPID BITCH! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU START TELLING PEOPLE WHO’S LEFT FOR PENNSYLVANIA AND WHO HASN’T!!!

Anyway, Alex and Kristin shared a loving (read: bitterly cold) goodbye as he said, “Guess it’s the last time I’ll see you.” She replied with a “Yeah,” which was followed by a few awkward words, awkward pauses, and an awkward hug. Get these two a room!!!

We then headed straight into Thanksgiving break where our favorite hooligan, Taylor, was having another one of his parties. Alex and Cory and all them came over, but without Kristin around, certainly scandal would go down! Sure enough, in walked Keagan, the trollop who allegedly seduced Alex in the season premiere. A vision in pink, Keagan attracted her fair share of suspicious stares, especially from Repete, who was the definition of googly eyes.

Well, with Keagan around, things became super awkward at the partay, despite nothing actually happening. I took this moment to reflect on Keagana — she reminded me of someone. That’s when I realized who it was: vintage Sally Struthers. I think it’s fair to say that Keagan is the Gloria Stivic of a new generation.

If Keagan is Gloria, that makes Alex Meathead, which seems appropriate enough. The two left the party together (with one or two other people), and as we went to commercial, MTV played this year’s “go-to-commercial” anthem: “Dirty Little Secret” from the All American Rejects. Seriously, we heard the tune just two weeks ago on Laguna Beach, and I believe it was on one episode of Cheyenne twice. ENOUGH.

The real reason Taylor’s not on the team? No bangs.

After the break, we found Alex riding in Cory’s car, talking about how happy he was to have hung out with someone besides Kristin for once. Usually, he and the old ball and chain don’t go to parties, he noted, and if they do, the parties are “less involved in the fun department.” Translation: he gets dragged along to Blair’s house to watch Dirty Dancing every Friday. But last night was an awesome change of pace for Alex, and ultimately, he commented, “I’m just glad I came home with all my clothes on.” Did he get down and dirty with Keaghan after all? That little Struthers-esque whore!

Anyway, even though it was Thanksgiving, the football team convened for a brief practice, and we learned that in the press, Oak Mountain had been talking all sorts of shit about Hoover, saying they weren’t tough or anything. “It’s personal now,” Alex seethed. Yes, Coach Propst was going to spit in each and every Oak Mountain face!

As practice wound down, Coach Propst Blue Ribbon gathered ’round the boys and revealed that when it came to Thanksgiving, “It’s probably my most favorite holiday.” It’s all of our most favorites, Coach. He then shocked us all with a touch of sentiment: “There’s not one single person out here that I don’t love,” he said. Wow. Who knew he had the capacity to love? Just when we thought he was going all soft on us, however, he returned to the rage we know and love. He told the team that he didn’t want to just beat Oak Mountain. He wanted to embarrass them. That’s right: there would be a full team pants-ing at half-time. Be there or be square.

After practice, Alex headed home and rifled through the kitchen where his father sat with a crooked smile. It should be noted that Dad had a surprisingly normal chin, unlike the elongated Thomas Hayden Church mandible of his son. Anyway, dad wasn’t very happy that his son had stayed out so late at Taylor’s party. “Buddy, consider yourself grounded — indefinitely,” he said with hardly any conviction in his voice. Odds that Alex will be off the hook in twenty minutes: 1-1.

Over at Max’s house, the whole family was gathering for a little Thanksgiving supper action. Everyone was there — ma, pa, grandma, some teammates. Heck, even coach Pruitt was coming over. Maybe there’d be some of that newfangled asparagus too! By the way, I loved how in the background, Max’s grandma just stood in the middle of the kitchen, not really doing anything but smiling. Let’s see Laguna Beach try to match that morsel of authenticity.

Meanwhile, Coach Propst spent his lonely Thanksgiving driving sixty-five miles to the small town of Ohatchee, Alabama — his hometown. Just when I was about to make fun of him and the Confederate flag flapping in the Ohatchee breeze, we then saw Propst standing over his parents’ graves. Okay, this was kind of somber and sad. It made me realize what a lonely existence he must have. Not a lot of family, no wife, no apparent friends. Just two tombstones on Thanksgiving.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom for Propst. His grandmother was still alive, albeit, ailing. She seemed to be housed in a nursing home (perhaps near the methodist church with the sign, “Death to the Christian is like a transfer to the home office.” Yay! So is the home office TERRIBLE?). Anyway, Grandma Clara’s eyes seemed to light up around Propst, and she cooed about how he’d made such a great name for the family down in Hoover. It was an undeniably sweet moment, and I couldn’t help but to wonder what exactly had happened to his parents. Seems like an Ang Lee movie waiting to happen.

Back at Max’s house, all the guests assembled and said grace as the dogs frantically ran around the kitchen. We then saw a gargantuan Thanksgiving spread which looked nothing short of delicious. Remind me to hit up Boston Market after this. The scene came to a terrifying halt, however, when I spotted the evil Secret Service agent from Prison Break sitting at the table. Oh wait, it was just coach Pruitt. Never mind.

As he chowed down on his food, Pruitt fielded all sorts of questions from the old people, but eventually, the spotlight landed on Max who told scandalous stories of playing videogames at Lisa’s house (?) until the wee hour of 9:30 PM. I actually really liked watching all these people talking — it felt like a “real” moment on reality TV. That being said, I was so glad I wasn’t actually there. All I’m saying is the conversation was what I like to call “mind-numbingly boring.”

After the commercial break, it was time to put Thanksgiving behind us and look forward to the playoffs. It was now or never for Hoover, and Coach Propst was gonna make sure that all the players gave their very best. “PLAY FAST FROM THE START!… BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM!!!” he yelled — and that was just to Grandma Clara. Okay, I’m kidding. He was screaming at his players. Nevertheless, the team headed out to the field and at first, it seemed like they might be in for a rocky road. Ross was intercepted fairly early on (shocker, I know), but Propst remedied the situation by grabbing his balls, gettin’ angry, and signally for the NASCAR offense (ie. hurry up offense). Sure enough, the tactics worked. The Bucs hauled in their first touchdown in the second period, making the score 7-0. They scored again with a rushing touchdown, widening the lead to 14-0, and before you could even say “blowout,” they were up 21-0. Hey Oak Mountain: YOU SUCK.

“Sometimes I like to grab my balls…”

“Smells good…”

Unfortunately for Hoover, their rivals managed to put seven points on the board, causing Propst to grab one of his players and scream, “DID YOU SEE THE WIDE RECEIVER??? DID YOU SEE THE WIDE RECEIVER???” Seriously, I think it’s time Coach Propst investigated the healing powers of a bubble bath.

As hard as he tries, Coach Propst can’t get The Force to work.

“YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU’RE DOING A LOVELY JOB OUT THERE!!!!”

Later in the game, Max and Pruitt conferred quickly over a defensive play, and lo and behold, they read the QB from the start. Max intercepted the ball in a major move that got all the fans excited. What do you think about him now, reticent stepfather? Anyway, the Bucs scored once more, ultimately winning the game 28-7. Next stop: state championships!

Well, the game may have been over, but the drama wasn’t. In the locker room, Goose effectively destroyed Alex’s high by texting Kristin and bragging about it (douchebag). This pissed Alex off to no end, and his happiness had now been replaced by the nagging realities of… er… reality.

That night, or morning rather (3 AM), Alex called up Kristin to breakup. Yes, that’s right. A phone breakup to a girl who was visiting her parents, who were both sick with cancer. Ouch. Very ouch. Of course, since the cameras weren’t rolling at 3 AM, we instead watched a dramatization of Alex dialing on a cell phone while he and Kristin explained what went down through intercutting interviews. It was kind of like watching a special on A&E. Breakup Confidential!

On that sad note, the episode ended. Tonight, the Bucs prepare for the big game. Not sure if we’re actually gonna get to see the big game. MTV alerted us that the season finale would actually be… dunh dunh dunh… online only! It has nothing to do with the show’s ratings (which I believe are very good). They’re trying to be progressive or whatever. Anyway, we’ll be covering it!

What did you think about this episode?