Smells Like Teen Spirit!

Okay, so here’s the deal. I watched the latest episode of Two-A-Days several days ago. I took notes and was planning on writing up the recap, but then I had to board a plane, and then it was Rosh Hashannah and then The Amazing Race was on, and just when I was getting ready to sit down and relive Homecoming 2005 at Hoover High School, my laptop up and flunked out on me! Monitor? Kaput! So there went my Tuesday plans. But now I’m here installed at my mom’s office on an ancient PC with Windows 98 and a delete key so small I keep pressing “\” instead. If you see a high number of slashes in my post, you’ll know why. But enough with the excuses. If Coach Propst heard all the bull-fooey I’ve been serving up, he’d have ripped me a new one and then some. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?As I mentioned in my opening paragraph, what was so unique and wonderful about this latest episode was that it took place during Spirit Week at Hoover High. Yes, Homecoming was just around the corner — the event that everyone had been chattering about for the past several episodes. To hype up this joyous occasion, the kids did what many high schoolers across the country do: dress up in costumes for five days straight. We used to do this in my high school, and by “we,” I mean four or five people and then unlucky class officers who were obligated to show spirit in the face of general ridicule.

However, Hoover has a tad more pride than my alma mater, and so everyone showed up in all sorts of costumes, including Bryan, who was surprisingly not dressed like the Phantom of the Opera or any other notable Andrew Lloyd Weber character.

Plucky cheerleader Blair told us how excited she was about dress up days, but even more thrilling to her was the impending Powder Puff game between the senior and junior girls. I never understood why female football was called Powder Puff. I always felt that was somehow extremely patronizing, but these girls loved every inch of it, and I was mildly shocked that the seniors didn’t go all Chicago Suburbs on the juniors and shove their face in feces and beat them until they passed out.

In football news, quaterback Ross was cleared from his Trent Green-ish concussion, which meant he could once again play/throw interceptions for the team. While he got back into Coach Pabst Blue Ribon’s training camp of hell, a little guy named Taylor stepped up to be the coach of the senior girls Powder Puff team. I’m not sure who Taylor was — I’m thinking maybe he was the guy in the first episode who talked about having quit the team. Either way, he took great pride in bossing the girls around, and the producers were kind enough to provide us with a side-by-side Taylor/Propst coaching montage, complete with a spitting comparison. Taylor was good, but nobody hocks a loogey like Propsty.

As the days went by, we got to see more outrageous costumes at school, especially on the awkwardly titled, “Favorite Movie Character Day.” One girl arrived dressed as Wonder Woman, causing the normally gentle Max to ask, “What are you? A porn star?” Clearly he was unversed in the many splendors of Lynda Carter. Anyway, a few of the costumes were pretty good, and I particularly liked the one dude who came dressed as what I hope was Ron Burgundy. The little montage eventually came to an end as we saw one guy, perhaps dressed as the slasher from Scream running down a hallway like a crackwhore in search of rock. Methinks somebody had just a tad too much spirit in his Frosted Flakes that morning.

Out on the football fields, we learned that practice would be very chill this week on account of Hoover going up against a weak team. As a result, we had a minimum of Propst barking, which meant there was more time to listen to Goose drone on about his greatest foe, Alex. The portly player chuckled passive-aggressively about how Alex could get out of anything with nary a punishment. Basically, this was Goose’s way of expressing displeasure that Kristin had opted to return to Alex, even after those nasty rumors surfaced a few weeks ago about that other girl. Oh, Goose. Don’t you realize? You’re fat and bitter. And you’re not the star of your own MTV reality show. Sorry. No cheerleader for you. Maybe Blair if you’re really lucky, but I’m pretty sure Keebler Elves don’t date out of their race.

Speaking of Blair, she was busy getting ready for the big Powder Puff game. This was exciting for her because she not only got to play a meaningless football game, but she like totally got to be kind of goth! “It’s fun for the girls to wear all the intimidating black makeup and stuff!” she gushed as she applied literally only a hint of blackness to her eyes. Face it, Blair. You’re a hidden Nine Inch Nails fan. Fast forward three months from now, and she’ll be taking over as Rock Star Supernova’s new lead singer. Funny story: rumor has it Lukas Rossi never wore makeup until his first Powder Puff game too.

To be fair, by the time the girls showed up at the game, they did have considerably more black makeup on their faces. They kind of all looked like rollergirls, to be honest. We then went to commercial, and when we returned, The Powder Puff Derby of 2005 was underway. Basically, it was just a quick montage of the seniors scoring over and over and over again. The juniors almost scored, but those tenacious older girls quickly vanquished the threat with a mighty takedown. Ouch!

By halftime, the seniors were up 27-0, and no surprise here, those junior bitches never even came close to mounting a comeback. The senior girls won handily, making Taylor a very proud coach. Consider your life peaked, young man!

With the Powder Puff out of the way, we could now focus on the upcoming football game at Hoover. There was once again strife on the field, and at the center of it was none other than Goose. Funny how trouble seems to follow him. He was the lucky recipient of Repete’s trash talk, and Goose no like that. Repete razzed him for always ordering people around practice, causing Goose to tell us that he simply did not like Repete — he was too talkative. Sadly, what our rotund football not-star didn’t realize was that he was misinterpreting sincere displays of affection. According to Repete, his way of showing that he cares for someone is by talking trash to them, having them talk trash back, and then later, they both go out and laugh about it. With that clarified, Goose seemed to take it pretty well: “He needs to learn how to shut up.” Okay, maybe not so much.

Elsewhere in practice, defensive coordinator Jeremy Pruitt barked at someone, saying, “You need to check it to them over yonder!” He then added, “And while you’re checking it to them over yonder, can I ask you a question? Have you ever heard of something called ‘asparagus’? Seriously, what IS that?”

Max, meanwhile, was once again faltering. It seems like we can’t go an episode without him zoning out into a fog of apathy. His punishment this time was that he’d have to serve as the team’s punter. Oooh, that burns! Coach Pruitt took great joy in this demotion, asking, “Did I embarrass you good? I hope I did because you’re embarrassing the hell out of me!” Yeah, what with your crazy “asparagus” and whatnot!

Finally, homecoming was upon us, and that meant two things: big game and big dance! And, it goes without saying, big bangs hanging down on the forehead. Coach Propst Blue Ribbon told us that he absolutely hated homecoming week because of all the distractions and “fun” and “joyfulness.” But mainly the distractions. Later, while Repete imitated the humorless coach in the lockerrooom, Propst went out ot the field and talked to a bunch of little kids as if he were a demi-god, surely savoring this moment of power and prestige. I have to admit, this scene with the Hoover Buc Pee-Wees was oddly charming, especially when Propst was ever so kind to note, “Everbody got a pretty jersey on!” You hear that, Bobby Jo? Coach Propst thinks our jerseys are pretty! Asparagus for all!

As game time approached, we learned that Max really would be the punter for the team. Apparently the normal guy was unavailable this week. Pruitt must have loved the extended humiliation for Max! Propst, meanwhile, had his own concerns — namely, the state of socks on the Hoover Bucs. “If they ain’t got no socks on, I may not let ‘em dress! I may let ‘em sit in the dressing room!” he snapped, thus bringing about the dreaded Sock Crackdown.

With the specter of illicit legging activity looming over the squad, Propst Blue Ribbon was left with no other choice but to sock it to the team, as it were, in the locker room. Yes, before anything had even happened, he was already pissed off, yelling at his boys in anticipation of feeling disappointed at the half.

“I got about seven of you in here ain’t got your freakin’ dead-gum SOCKS ON!!!” he yelled, revealing what might be a borderline OCD fixation on socks. I know football teams have strict codes about socks and uniforms and whatnot, but seriously, dude. Chill out!

Propst concluded his “motivational speech” by threatening that if the team didn’t play well, “I’m gonna be real good and pissed off!” Um, as opposed to NOW?

After the commercial break, Hoover took the field, and for once, they weren’t playing the Most Important Game of the Season that they Just Couldn’t Lose against Their Biggest Rivals. They were merely going up against Pelham, but that didn’t stop interception machine Ross from feeling anxious. Well, he needn’t have felt nervous. Ross was just fine. In fact, the whole team was great. Things got off to a triumphant, sock-raising start as Bryan made a quick interception, leading to a score. If only a chandelier could have fallen for him! It would have been the perfect Bryan moment.

Hoover soon had another score on the board, bringing the tally to 14-0, and then the moment of doubt came: Max’s first punt. And how did it go? Splendidly! A lovely punt! By the half, it was 21-0, and then it was time for that age-old tradition (that never actually existed in my high school): election of the Homecoming Queen. Nobody seemed more excited than Blair, who walked onto the field escorted by her Big Daddy. This was the moment she’d been waiting for all her life, it seemed. Her destiny, her calling, her… biggest disappointment EVER. That’s right. Poor Blair failed to take home the crown. That went to skanky Kaitlyn Oliver instead. In your face, BLAIR!

As the girls all huddled around Kaitlyn, Blair told us that it was all okay because everyone was friends and everyone was happy for everyone and blah blah blah. Face it, Blair. You want to stab the bitch in the eye, don’t you? Nevertheless, the girls all cooed insincere comments like “I’m so proud of yeeewww!!!” Translation: “I’m putting itching powder in your douche.”

Well, the rest of the homecoming game unfolded like an Eli Manning Seattle nightmare. Final score: 35-0. With the game over and Coach Propst sated for the time being, it was now time for everyone to focus on what really mattered: the homecoming dance! All the players got dressed up in shirt and ties and such, and next thing we knew, it was picture time at Kristin’s house (or maybe it was Blair’s. Who knows). Proud parents snapped photos of their darling children, and it occurred to me that in this one little scene, the kids of Two-A-Days were more dressed up than any Laguna Beacher ever in the history of that series. It’s comforting to know that if Talan or Jason were to show up at Hoover in their trendy shirts and blazers, they’d probably get beaten up to a pulp.

Well, Alex and Kristin and Blair and her pre-pubescent date all headed off to the dance, which just so happened to take place AT the football field. Seriously, I know football is everything to these people, but they gotta relax already. ENOUGH! We get it! You love football!

Anyway, the homecoming dance went pretty much as you’d expect: dancing, happiness, pictures, giant pronounced jaws (okay, that was mainly Alex). My favorite part came at the very, very end when the camera quickly panned by some dorky guy who clearly wanted to be like the football players. He had a crappy version of the Hoover bangs, and as the camera zipped by him, we could clearly see him patting his hair down, trying to fix his delicate locks. Sorry, dude. You either got it or you don’t. And you, my friend, don’t have it.

What did you think about this episode?