That’s The Way The Cookie Cake Crumbles

On Wednesday night, Two-A-Days wrapped up its surprisingly involving season in two parts. The first half aired on MTV. The second on the internet. I haven’t watched part two yet (and rumor has it MTV will air it next week anyway), but in the spirit of not having to wait eons for recaps to come out, I thought I’d go ahead and post about part one. Besides, the first half had the big state championship game, and that’s all we care about, right?

Nevertheless, I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed Two-A-Days all season, but I haven’t quite loved it. I still don’t think I love it, but Wednesday night’s episode really seemed to, I don’t know, “communicate” with me (gosh, I’m sound idiotic already). Okay, starting over. Point is, what I liked about Wednesday’s episode is that it seemed to really capture the spirit of high school in a way we rare get to see in pop culture. For a while, Laguna Beach seemed to touch on it, but in its third season, the show has somehow veered off course. Made probably comes closest, but that show’s contrived situations always undermine the “reality” of what we’re seeing. Two-A-Days, however, feels truly like high school. Everything — from the sterile hallways to the baggy sweatshirts people wear at lunch — is like a trip back in time (silly hairstyles excluded). I guess that’s why this show has endeared itself to surprisingly large audiences. Hmmm… I’m rambling. I think I pretty much exhausted this topic. On to the show!This week’s episode began with Alex washing up in the bathroom, telling us about Kristin, his now ex-girlfriend. At the end of last week, he had broken up with her (on the phone while she was visiting her cancer-stricken grandparents. Harsh…), and now it was time to deal with the repercussions. Alex ‘splained that he still loved her as a friend, but not as a girlfriend. Yeah, we’ll see if you’re singing the same tune after six months of ice queen über-bitchiness.

At school, we could already feel the awkwardness of the situation. On one end of the hallway was Alex, on another was Kristin with her admirer, Goose. Oh, and here came Keagan, the trollop who allegedly came between this happy couple. Most awkward morning hallway ever!

Later, Keagan explained to her friends that she did not hook up with Alex at Taylor’s party over Thanksgiving. Quite the contrary. She only saw him for like two seconds, and then she left because it was so super awkward. Oh, and she did drive him home, but whatevs! It was like two feet, and Cory was in the car too. Or something like that. Poor Keagan. So misunderstood.

Meanwhile, at the cafeteria, Alex walked up to his usual lunch table with that wry grin of his, but alas, Kristin, who had been sitting there, bolted away like a nervous guppy (sorry, it’s the end of the day on Friday. My analogies are struggling). Alex then tried to speak to Kristin over in the lunch line, but she didn’t want any of it. She’d heard all the rumors about Keagan, and she was not about to take the sloppy seconds to a real C U Next Tuesday, if you know what I’m saying. Kristin then huffed back to the lunch table, grabbed her belongings, and moved to another table. A bold move indeed! In the wake of this monumental shift in seating arrangements, a fellow cheerleader named Jessica mused, “If Kristin and Alex hadn’t broken up, maybe they’d– she’d be sitting with us.” I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Oh, Jessica. Poor, poor Jessica. So lost and alone without mom and dad together.

Amusingly, in response to Jessica’s wonderment, Max profoundly drawled, “I think it’s weird that they broke up.” So true. So true. Granted, they’d been shaky and having problems all season, but I guess Max can be a little slow to catch onto things. One too many knocks in practice, if you know what I’m saying.

Later, the players watched tape of their rivals in the locker room, and elsewhere, the cheerleading squad met with their unnamed coach/Mother Hen. Before I get into this, I’d first like to know why the producers have kept this woman off camera all season. In short, she was amazing. She turned to her cheerleader ducklings and announced, “I ordered the — and they look really cute, y’all — it’s the nine inch cookie cakes for your players. And they look great.” Wait, stop the presses. Did she say, NINE INCH COOKIE CAKES??? WELL! That sounds absolutely divine! Cookie cakes for all! Amusingly, Homecoming Queen loser Blair pumped her arms excitedly as if to say, “YES!!!” Settle down, Blair. The cookie cakes ain’t for you. I mean, we can get you one, but it won’t be the same. Sorry.

“I can’t wait ’til I get to have my very own cookie cake!”

After the coach was done discussing all things cookie cake, she then began to cry as she noted that this would be the last game for many of the cheerleaders. “For y’all, this is it!” coach said, unintentionally placing the One Day At A Time theme song in America’s head. She continued, “And I know that’s so sad, but it is! Most of y’all will never cheer again!” HEAVENS NO!!! This is it! Life is downhill from here.

Coach then pulled everyone’s heartstrings by saying, “The last time two sisters will cheer together! You know, I mean, y’all let it all come out on Saturday!” Wow, this is really giving me memories to my last day as president of French Club. So many tears…

Later, as she festooned a doorway with all sorts of junk, Blair professed that she simply could not fathom that this was the last time she’d be decorating doors. Technically, she could always decorate doors after this — for the rest of her life, in fact. However, she’d just have to face the social scrutiny of being that crazy lady who decorates doors. Just saying though, it’s a free country.

Of course, the cruel irony of this tradition was that Kristin had to decorate Alex’s door (the cheerleaders all have designated players and Alex was hers for obvious reasons and yada yada yada). Well, as you can imagine, Kristin’s door-decorating bonanza wasn’t nearly as sentimental as Blair’s. In fact, it was downright awkward and awful. She showed up with Goose (of course) and some other girl, and as Alex walked over to greet them, she coldly handed him the much-hyped cookie cake. Ouch. The rarely seen Cookie Cake of Rage! And since Kristin was already in the spirit of giving, she also handed over all of Alex’s junk that she had at her house. Who would have thought the cookie cake would have been such a harbinger for bitter returns?

The group then headed indoors with Augustana’s “Boston” playing in the background — just as it had when Cameron broke up with Jessica on Laguna Beach FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. I guess we know what the new mopey song of the moment is. Anyway, Kristin continued to be bitter in Alex’s basement as she sat around with Alex and Cory and Goose and other nameless people. At one point, a dog barked, prompting her to passive aggressively say, “It’s Max. He misses me.” I guess he just smells a BITCH, if you know what I’m saying (zing!). Seriously, though. She needed to get over it.

Eventually, Kristin and her slave Goose stood to leave, and as they exited the house, she extended her hand to Alex and said, “See you tomorrow, NOT!” And with that, she pulled her hand back quickly. Oh she di’int! Nothing sears like a pointed usage of early ’90s humor!

Well, once she was gone, there was nothing left for Alex to do but play videogames with Cory and snack on the ol’ cookie cake. In between mouthfuls of this sacred pastry, Alex then began dissing Goose, saying, “He used to be one of the boys. Now, he’s one of the girls because he’s made so many girlfriends that none of the guys want to hang out with him anymore.” Scathing accusations! Alex then concluded his rant with the general proclamation: “I hate girls. I hate all of them.” Yes, but I’ll tell you what he didn’t hate: a good cookie cake. Yum!

All hail the cookie cake!

Meanwhile, Keagan sat around with her friend and told her that Alex doesn’t even speak to her anymore. Even worse, he might be talking to another girl — Danielle the freshman cheerleader! Dunh dunh dunh! Amusingly, this conversation all took place as Keagan and her friend had textbooks and notes sprawled out on the floor. I didn’t know there was such a thing as homework on MTV!

After the break, we then saw a montage of state championship preparation: Propst pep talking, girls marking up bus windows, players watching tape, Coach Pruitt suspiciously eyeing asparagus at the Piggly Wiggly. We then headed off to the pep rally where a sizable bonfire was set ablaze. It was all coming down to the big game, and on the line were the bragging rights to a high school football dynasty. The school had won an astounding three years in a row. Would this be the fourth? Goose then got up on a microphone and addressed the crowd. “It’s been a great year,” he said, adding, “My cockblocking skills have never been better!”

Afterwards, as everyone was heading off, Alex talked with Danielle, the freshman cheerleader Keagan had been mentioning. It was nothing too major, and if anything, Danielle’s mom seemed more interested in him than she did, but across the way, who should happen to spy this? None other than Kristin. Oh, the bitterness would know no bounds. Alex should expect a Cookie Cake of Wrath very soon.

The next morning, the football team then boarded its bus as the whole town cheered them on. Rah rah rah! Go get ‘em, tigers! This then led to another montage of players gettin’ taped up and in uniform, during which Max commented, “It may not ever get better than Hoover High School, just ’cause we always win, and we’re always top dogs.” It wasn’t necessarily a sad or depressing comment, but man, it sure put things in perspective about the sort of pressure these kids were under.

And this is just footage from when Applebees opened up.

Finally, it was time to take the field. But before doing that, we needed a Coach Propst Blue Ribbon special. Surprisingly, his pep talk was devoid of insane yelling and spitting. Instead, it was — dare I say — encouraging and inspirational. “This game right here is the game of all games,” he said. Gotta admit, my heart was pounding ever so slightly. The team then took the field to a soaring fanfare of music on the soundtrack. It was as if this game were taking place atop Mount Olympus with Zeus and Hera the presiding referees.

“Red Rover, Red Rover, send Repete over.”

Well, the game soon began, and that’s when we found out the opposing team was “Daphne.” C’mon, now. I know they’re supposed to be an amazing team and all, but how can you take a team seriously when it sounds like a supporting character on Frasier? Sure enough, Daphne proved to be just as lame as you’d think. Hoover quickly sacked the QB, causing a fumble, and that was probably the high-point for Daphne. The team then tried to punt from the endzone, but Hoover — Repete specifically — not only blocked the punt, but down the ball for a touchdown. Sweet! And I tell you, no one was happier than Repete’s dad… Pete. That’s right. Repete and Pete. Get it? (Although, technically, Pete’s real name was Dwarn).

Nevertheless, it was one ill-begotten Daphne play after another. They managed to fumble the ball, turning it over to Hoover, who then rushed it in for another TD, making the score 14-0. Then there was another blocked punt for a TD (courtesy of Max), which took the score up to 21-0. Seriously, Daphne. Get a new punter. By the time we reached the half, it was 28-0 (courtesy of an interception or two). Adding insult to injury, some girl in the stands derisively said of Daphne, “I thought they’re supposed to be good.” Ouch. You gotta wear that shame, Daphne. Wear it.

Back in the locker room, Propst looked shockingly happy, and he told his boys, “Let’s go finish the last half of this year!” Again, no screaming! Amazing. Also amazing was that in the third quarter, Ross managed to connect with a huge pass, bringing the score up to… 42-0. Holy shit. Blowout! The producers weren’t even bothering to show us TDs anymore — they were just that abundant.

By the next touchdown, the score had changed to 49-14, which sucked because I was hoping for a shutout, but as you can imagine, there wasn’t going to be a comeback for Daphne. As the game wound down, Max’s stepdad Jim told him, “I am proud of you. You’ve had one heck of a game.” Funny, last week you were dissin’ your boy, what with all your talk about him being just a “very good” player. Looks like somebody’s changing his tune now. Meanwhile, some of the players picked up a cooler and poured its contents on Propst, which was a solid emulation of the Gatorade spill, except for the fact that it wasn’t Gatorade. Nevertheless, the gesture was appreciated — it was, after all, like one giant spit.

By the end of the game, the score read 56-14, a fitting blowout, especially for a team that didn’t want to look like idiots on MTV. In the frenzy afterwards, Max and Alex pretend to cry, making fun of all those mushy people out there. We then cut to Kristin and Blair, who really were crying. Someone ought to give them a Cookie Cake of Hugs.

Later, in the locker room, Coach Propst told everyone that he was proud of them, and I think we even saw what looked to be his little girl (funny, I thought he didn’t have a family after last week’s moving Thanksgiving episode). And so that completed part one of the season finale. I’ll try to check out the online episode later this week, but I’m warning you, it may have to wait until next Wednesday. I gots The Duel to take care of now!

What did you think about this episode? And what do you think about the series as a whole?