Win Or Go Home!

When we last dropped in on Two-A-Days, the Hoover Buccaneers had just dropped a whole lot of hurt on their homecoming opponent. Since then, the football team has been rolling up the victories on the way to the second season. In other words, it is time for the playoffs! You can’t talk about football and playoffs without mentioning mentioning NCAA Division I-A football and, well, the lack of a playoff system. The BCS sucks sometimes, but they are doing something right. By the way, big ups to Syracuse for being above 500 for the first time in two years! But enough about college, we are still talkin’ Bama High School football, where every day is like some overused analogy that I really don’t want to come up with right now.OK, if you have clicked to read the whole post, I am sorry to inform you that I pulled a little “Bait and Switch”. You see, this latest episode was filled mainly with drama that occurred on the field, and I’m sorry to say that I am not Brent Musberger, so my play by play skills are a little lacking. I’m already long winded and dry enough as it is, so I really don’t feel it is fair to make people read my analysis of the zone read vs. the triple option offense. This is basically my way of saying that this recap may not be as detailed because the team is clearly too focused on football and not enough on petty everyday drama that is surrounding their lives.

Early on, it seemed like there might actually be some interesting shit going on. Alex told his girlfriend that he smelled bad, but then that turned out to be a joke. Then Repete decided that he would hit on some chicks, which got him in trouble with the coaches. I think most coaches know that when their kids aren’t worrying about sex, they can focus on the game. Therefore, let them chase some tail. As long as they have enough energy left over for the game, why should they care? Well, they care because they are coaches, and if the kids are having fun playing football, then they might do something crazy like enjoy the game.

Actually, I can understand why the coaches want their guys to be a little more focused this week. They are going up against Tuscaloosa County, also known as the only team to beat Hoover in the last two years. The team has been playing pretty well, but there are a few injury problems. Alex hurt his shoulder and Max’s back is aching so bad that it hurts when he burps, making it very difficult for him to run, tackle, or drink more than half a can of Dr. Pepper in an hour.

To show how serious the team is about winning, it’s time to have a weight room scene. God, lifting weights is such a pain in the ass, don’t you think?

After the weights come the first of what is sure to be a long list of Coach Pabst inspirational speeches. Tuscaloosa county is the best team they played all year, and if they don’t play their best the next three weeks, it will be no championship for them, and no championship means no free all you can eat fajitas at Chili’s once it’s all over.

At first, preparation for the game is not going too well. Max’s back hurts and for some reason, the coaches are surprised that it hurts when he tries to kick. Since Max is the backup punter, this will never do. The team doctor tells Max’s stepdad, who is always conveniently seated on the side of the field during practices that he’ll need to see the doctor. BTW, I know that the whole town shuts down for Hoover games, but do people seriously miss work for practices? If he worked more hours, maybe he could afford to eat more of that fancy asparagus he’s always talking about.

Then comes the problems with Repete. He hasn’t been having good practices, and defensive coordinator Pruitt thinks it’s time for Coach Pabst to hav ea word with him. Coach tells Repete that all of his mistakes are mental, and that he needs to start following his assignments and not just go for the sack all the time. Oh yeah, and there’s the problem with trash talk. As much as an asshole as I think Pabst is, I am happy that he actually seems serious about good sportsmanship. Then again, I have yet to see him bench a player for being an ass on the field, and really, playing time is the only commodity he has to work with when it comes to a trade.

Chances that paper bag has a flask of Old Grandad or Wild Turkey? About 99%.

And then, of course, you have all of the outside pressures that hit these kids all the time. Alex knows he has to play because a football scholarship is the only way he is going to be able to afford college. Actually, he does have a backup plan, which is going to college on a basenall scholarship.

Repete decides that he needs to get refocused, so he visits his old neighborhood, where Pookie and Ray Ray and all the folks get together and tell him to play hard. It’s always good to go back to the ‘hood and find some inspiration, but was anybody wondering what was so awful about where Repete came from. I was expecting him to go back to some project or something, but he returns to a middle class or lower middle class suburb. I guess there could be evil drug dealers lurking around and maybe the cars are all a few years older than his new digs, but the way we heard him talk it was like football was the only way for him to escape a life of gangs or something.

I am not sure if I mentioned this, but the strangest part about visiting the south for me was hearing everybody say “fixin”. Like, “I’m fixin to mow the lawn” or “I’m fixin to go Walgreen’s” or “I’m fixin to start fixin dinner”. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, the cheerleaders should be fixin to buy a dictionary because they were having trouble not only spelling “revenge” but “sweet” as well. See, they were fixin to make a banner for the upcoming game and wanted to make sure that the revenge was sweet, because if a revenge was sweat, that would kind of suck.

So Max was fixin to get some back treatments that would fix his back, and finally, Coach Pabst was fixin to get some motivation on. Repete seemed more focused, Max looked like he could hit, and the whole team had a lot of focus. Tuscaloosa County didn’t know what they were fixin to get themselves into!

That’s enough of the fixin jokes, well, right after I say that some of the guys were fixin to get themselves some food at Hooters. I have to say, I am slightly disappointed at the quality of the Hooters waitresses in Hoover. The girls at the high school seem much hotter, even when they are fully clothed. Alex starts to flirt with one of them, but I think he realizes that Kristin is hotter and gives up.

Emotions were high for this game. Repete literally had to take a minute to get himself composed. Coach Pabst gave one of his best speeches, although I had to laugh at all of the homoerotic undertones in some of it such as “You take it to them with everything you got” and “Take every fiber in your bowne and you beat the piss out of them” and of course, “When you pound on their butt tonight”. All of the pounding talk gets the guys fired up, and they play what I would say is their best fame of the season. They were causing turnovers and converting their scoring chances. Before the second half started, it was already 28-0 Bucs. The only thing interesting about this game was that the producers started playing “Slam” by Onyx. Final score? 42-8.

Next up is the semi-finals. Does Hoover have what it takes to win?