Welcome to the Love Dungeon

Ugly Betty is finally back! They have really been stingy with the episodes the past few months, but let’s hope that means they were saving them up to show us all at once. This episode opens with Amanda drawing a picture of Betty. She covers it up with a crossword when Betty comes by, but as soon as Betty leaves, she adds some hair to the eyebrows, which are “even bigger than I remember.”

This opening scene leaves me with a few questions. Mainly: Does anyone actually believe that Amanda does crosswords? Are Betty’s eyebrows really that big? Is Amanda secretly in love with Betty? She has to be, because I can think of no other reason that she’d be drawing pictures of her. I know this because every notebook I have from my younger days includes drawings of John Taylor from Duran Duran. And I wasn’t drawing him for his interesting eyebrows.

Unaware of Amanda’s true feelings, Betty makes her way to Daniel’s office. Daniel isn’t there, of course, because he’s off hooking up with many different women. And honestly, who can blame him? What sounds like more fun to you – working or sex? In fact, what isn’t more fun than working? Given that most of you are probably reading this during working hours, I’m pretty sure that TVgasm wins out over working, too.

In Daniel’s office, Betty finds a strange small man in a white suit and a red hat. Is Truman Capote paying a little visit to Meade Publications? Sure he’s dead, but that shouldn’t stop a show like this, should it? We quickly find out, however, that this is Quincy Combs. He uses words like ‘feckless’ and ‘chaise’, so we know right away he’s a writer, and we learn that he’s writing a tell-all about the Meades.

Betty ushers him out, something Quincy is none to happy about. He tells her “You may be the beast that guards the gates, but I’ve taken down kings, presidents, the electric car. Daniel Meade doesn’t stand a chance against me.” Way to go, Show, ruin the punchline of “Who Killed the Electric Car?” Guess none of us need to watch it now!

In an effort to seduce Bradford, Wil is having Christina hem the skirt of an already short skirt even shorter. Marc’s sure that the outfit will work. Marc, naturally, being the expert on what a woman should wear to turn a man on. Sadly, Wil turned down his suggestion to dress up as Liza Minnelli.

After approving Wil’s outfit, Marc becomes concerned that Christina was invited to Prague, one of the hottest clubs in the city, and he was not. Christina is unimpressed by her newfound fame as a fashion designer. But Wil thinks that Christina is ungrateful, because she knew exactly what she was getting into, so she should enjoy the spotlight. Kind of hard to disagree with Wil – either do something nasty and embrace being nasty, or don’t do it. But don’t do it and whine about it afterwards. But I still heart Christina, and she makes me want to talk in a fake Scottish accent for the rest of my life. (But since my fake Scottish accent is exactly the same as my pirate impression, I will refrain. Ahoy, mateys!)

Meanwhile in Queens, Constance removes Ignacio’s leg monitor. She explains that she was just doing her job because she saw Ignacio as a flight risk. Ah, yes, typical of US immigration policy – trying desperately to help illegal immigrants stay in the country. We won’t let them go, even if they want to!

Ignacio is also worried because his court date is approaching and he hasn’t met with his lawyer yet. Constance says that she’ll call him and have both Ignacio and the lawyer over for dinner at her place that night. Ignacio feels a little uncomfortable, but he really wants his green card. Hilda warns him to stay home. And if you can’t listen to your daughter who spends all her time in the living room playing with a plastic head, who can you listen to?

Seriously, isn’t it about time she actually worked on real people?

Meanwhile, Daniel shows up at Mode at 2pm, hung over and disheveled. Betty immediately starts to give him messages and harp on him for appearing in Page Six. And if I were Daniel, I would immediately check the company manual for the policy on firing someone for nagging while hung over. I’m pretty sure that OSHA should get involved.

Daniel is unconcerned about Quincy Combs’s spying. After all, it’s a little late to destroy his family. But Betty is angry that Daniel was finally earning some respect in the business, and now he’s just handing things over to Alexis. Daniel explains that he worked hard for six months, but now he’s going to go back to partying – the thing he’s actually good at. Well, that seems reasonable. Working hard for six whole months is sure to break the best of us.

Meanwhile, Alexis meets with Quincy. She has nothing too flattering to say about Bradford – “If my father were drowning, I would pull up a chair and watch.” Of course, if he weren’t drowning, she’d just join him in the pool to show off what a kick-ass body she now has in a bikini.

But Alexis isn’t the only one with something to reveal – she learns from Quincy that Fey kept a diary. Alexis immediately thinks that the diaries might help with her mother’s defense. But, sadly, she learns that the last six months of diaries are missing. Quincy suspects that they are hidden away in the “love dungeon”, the secret room in the office where Bradford and Fey met for their daily trysts. I enjoy the fact that the Meades are the kind of family where discovering that your father made daily use of a “love dungeon” has no emotional impact whatsoever.

Betty goes to Christina to complain about Daniel, who is skipping a circulation meeting for a meeting with models who also happen to be sisters. And apparently also sluts. But Christina warns Betty that she can’t follow Daniel “around with a stun gun.” Which is good advice, especially if you want to stay out of jail – chances are if you follow your boss around with gun, even with the best of intentions, your meaning is probably going to be misconstrued.

Christina also warns Betty that Mode isn’t the place to look for friends since everyone has a hidden agenda. Christina doesn’t mention that Henry (who is sadly totally missing from this episode) has no hidden agenda. But perhaps his lack of hidden agenda is balanced by his unhidden girlfriend. Sigh.

Christina’s solution to keeping the Meades from taking over Betty’s life – taking Betty to the Prague party that night. Betty agrees to go and not even think about Daniel. But what to wear?! After a montage of trying to find the right outfit for Betty, she ends up in the exact same outfit she had on to begin with, only with a new broach. Way to think outside the box with that fashion decision, hottest designer in New York! Show up with the girl dressed as a 40-year-old librarian.

Doesn’t that make you want to do shots?! Oh, and also buy Christina’s designs?

Betty tries to relax in the club, but she gets a call from a limo service confused about where to pick Daniel up. Betty reveals Daniel’s location before finding out that it’s actually Quincy, out for some gossip.

Meanwhile, Wil goes to visit Bradford to bring him some “sales reports.” I wish that “sales reports” meant something naughtier, but she actually gives him sales reports. You see, even though Wil is trying very hard to seduce Bradford, and is even wearing the shortest skirt on the planet, he’s having none of it. In fact, he just pats her on the hand. Apparently Bradford does not find sales reports sexy.

Wil, picking up on Bradford’s subtle clues, decides to try a new tactic. She wants to know what technique Fey used to seduce him. Although the information may be harder to get, trying to find out how the old mistress seduced him is certainly less awkward than asking his current wife for tips. So Wil orders Marc to find Quincy and set up a meeting.

Christina is annoyed that Betty keeps trying to call Daniel to tell him how to avoid Quincy. To distract her, Christina brings over two guys she met at the bar and they make their way to the dance floor. But the new vantage point just gives Betty a clear view of Daniel arriving with the models. Betty’s distraction makes Christina angry, and she accuses Betty of being addicted to Daniel – “If he was crack, you’d sell your nephew for a bag of him.” And, for those of you who are reading this and are considering that option yourselves, don’t do it. And I’m not saying that because I think that you shouldn’t sell relatives for drugs for moral reasons. I’m saying it because young boys don’t fetch a good price and you’ll just end up feeling ripped off.

Also, it’s really hard to explain to their parents if you were simply supposed to be “babysitting.”

Anyway, Wil meets with Quincy. But Quincy doesn’t want money. What will Wil do? Just give up and go home? Hardly! This is Wil we’re talking about here! Wil offers to trade photographs of Alex Meade’s transformation to Alexis Meade in exchange for the information on what Fey did to turn Bradford on. This makes me wish that Ugly Betty was real and there really was a Meade book coming out, because I would be first in line to buy a tell-all that had pictures like that.

But forget all about those pictures, because more fun is in store for us. Quincy reveals that Bradford has a foot fetish. So now we know that Bradford has a foot fetish and frequented a “love dungeon”. Sounds like Bradford is more interesting than was originally implied by his boring, corporate image. Also, it sounds like with his fetishes, he shouldn’t be pointing a finger at his son became a woman.

Meanwhile, at Constance’s house, Ignacio looks through one of Constance’s photo albums that are filled with pictures of the people she’s helped become citizens. He also notices that Constance isn’t in any of the pictures herself. But before he can question any further, Constance reveals that the lawyer isn’t coming.

Ignacio is a little worried. After all, his hearing is approaching. But Constance has a solution of her own. Hire another lawyer? Set up a meeting during regular working hours? Conference call with the INS? Nope – Constance thinks that they should drive to Atlantic City and get married. Some people might think that makes Constance muy loco. But really doesn’t it prove that she’s willing to go the extra mile for her clients? Ignacio should consider asking about a heart transplant and see just how far Constance is willing to go.

Back at the Suarez house, a strange man shows up at the door. Is Strange Man peddling knives? Is he a truant officer, wondering why Justin isn’t in school (Do they still have truant officers? Because if not, they really should. Dennis the Menace just wouldn’t be the same without them, and I’m pretty sure Ugly Betty could benefit from a truant officer, too). No, the Strange Man works for immigration. He explains to Hilda that Ignacio isn’t even on the list of cases. In fact, Constance was fired and no longer is an immigration worker at all.

And let’s just take a moment to say “Yay for telenovelas!” Fired immigration case workers? Shotgun weddings in Atlantic City? It’s pure soap opera and I love it!

Alexis searches the office, trying to find the “love dungeon” when Amanda approaches her. Amanda wants to know why Alexis didn’t hire her as her assistant. Alexis’s explanation – that Amanda slept with her last boss – seems reasonable. Unless you’re the kind of boss that likes to sleep with their employees. Or the kind of boss that likes love dungeons.

Then Amanda breaks the news that “love dungeon” was just a code – it meant that Fey was hung over and wanted to go home. Very interesting code… It seems that just saying “I’m hung over and want to go home” would also get the point across. I decided earlier today to use “love dungeon” as code for “I need to go to the bathroom”, but now my co-workers just think I’m a big perv.

Alexis is disappointed to learn the code. But to keep Amanda from telling people that she was snooping in Daniel’s office, Alexis tells Amanda to pick something out from the closet. This seems to make up for the snub of not hiring her as an assistant. Turns out Amanda is easily bought.

At the club, Betty’s new friend lifts her up to do a dance move, and Betty gets the thrill of spinning around the room.

But while spinning, Betty sees the unmistakable Red Hat of Quincy. That’s right, Daniel isn’t safe, even in Prague. Maybe they should have gone to Sarajevo. Sure there’s the danger of landmines, but I bet Quincy wouldn’t go there.

Betty’s gentleman friend thinks that she’s scanning the room for a better guy, so gets insulted and leaves. But Betty doesn’t care, because she’s on a mission to get to Daniel before Quincy does. With the crowd, her quest seems hopeless, so she climbs into the DJ booth and grabs the microphone. This was the perfect opportunity for Betty to do a little karaoke. But instead, she just warns Daniel about Quincy.

And the whole club stops and stares. Including the person in the red hat. Who turns out to be a girl in a red hat. Whoops! Who knew that everyone in New York is wearing red hats this season? You’d think that Betty would pay a little more attention around Mode so she could be clued in.

Daniel isn’t thrilled with Betty’s interference in his life. He tells her that he doesn’t need a chaperone, and suggests that she leave the job at the office. Although considering that he met these models in the office and trying to sleep with them, he’s not exactly setting a good example in terms of boundaries.

Meanwhile, Hilda calls Ignacio to tell him the news about Constance. He pretends that a water pipe is broken, so he has to return home immediately. But Constance isn’t falling for that amateur trick. Ignacio tries to get out, but the door is locked. And then he tries to make a call, but Constance takes away his cell phone. And this is beginning to feel so very much like an episode of “Charmed” that I can hardly stand it. I desperately want someone to cast a spell and talk about the power of three.

Meanwhile, Marc has found some special fish that are only sold in one pet shop in Jersey City. Wil uses them to eat the dead skin off of her feet before going in to see Bradford again. All I have to say about this: “ew”.

Post being eaten by fish, Wil goes to see Bradford again. She slips off her shoes and asks for a drink. He watches closely as she pushes a pencil off the table and picks it up with her foot. I found this kind of freaky to watch. But I don’t have a foot fetish and I’ve never been in a love dungeon, so who am I to judge?

Meanwhile, Alexis confronts Quincy, insisting that there is no love dungeon and no diaries. But Quincy reads her part of Fey’s diary, where Fey talks about how badly Bradford felt about how he treated his son and how he wants to “beg him to come home.”

Alexis is surprised and touched by this revelation. But I’m still skeptical – it’s easy to miss your kid when they’re gone, but I don’t think Bradford has been that nice since Alex has returned as Alexis. Anyone else remember the tragic ending of the pet rock?

At Constance’s house, Ignacio all dolled up in his powder blue tux and Constance is decked out in a wedding dress. I think we’ve gone from “Charmed” to something way creepier – maybe Bride of Chucky? But without the doll?

Ignacio begs Constance to let him go, but she explains that if she does, he’ll be just like the rest of them – she helps them get their lives together and then she never hears from them again. Ignacio makes an impassioned plea, explaining that all the people are grateful, but they all have to move on with their lives, and so does Constance.

Just then, Hilda arrives. Constance gives in to Ignacio’s pleas. But, as thanks, Ignacio asks Hilda to take a picture of the two of them together. Constance happily poses with Ignacio.

Betty and Christina leave Prague. Betty wishes that she was more like Christina, and Christina takes that moment to tell Betty the truth – she’s been working with Wil. Betty is stunned and hurt. She tells Christina that Mode is, indeed, the wrong place to look for friends.

In the closet at Mode, Amanda is trying to decide what to take, when she sees a beautiful pair of shoes on the top shelf of the closet. She does some serious climbing up the wall to get to them.

And as soon as she leaves, a secret door in the closet opens. Naturally, beautiful shoes are the key to the love dungeon! But no one sees it, and the mystery door closes again.

Makes me wonder if Christina knows about the mystery door or not. She has to, right? She’s in charge of everything in the closet, and she was running the closet when Fey was there, so there is no way that she wouldn’t have seen Fey and Bradford coming and going. Maybe there’s a way for Christina to redeem herself after all…

Back in Bradford’s office, both Bradford and Wil are straightening their clothing after some post-foot fetish action. When Alexis calls Bradford, Wil sends it to voicemail.

But there’s more exciting stuff happening at Daniel’s – He’s in bed with the younger model, Petra, when there’s a knock at the door. It’s the older model, who invites herself in and starts asking about giving the young one a magazine cover. And then she reveals the big news – the younger model isn’t her sister, it’s her daughter, and she’s just 16.

Yikes. The Bride of Chucky thing was funny, but statutory rape is a tricky subject to make hilarious, Show. Let’s be careful here, okay?

Back in Queens, Ignacio and Betty are hanging out around the kitchen table and having a bonding talk, when Daniel calls. And Daniel gets his earlier wish – Betty decides not to take the call and says that she’s punched out for the night.

In your face, Daniel.

Just a few more episodes before the end of the season. Hard to say what will happen… I’m still hoping for some action with Henry, but perhaps we’ll just have to be glad that Walter seems gone for good. But will Bradford and Alexis reunite? Will Claire get out of jail? Will she find out about Bradford’s brand new affair? There’s a lot going on!