Betty Gets All Middle Ages

What would you do if your illegal immigrant father had to return to Mexico to renew his visa and might not be able to return to America? Would you hire a really good lawyer? Get your own law diploma from an on-line law school? Picket city hall? Buy a fake ID on the black market? Start to sing that song from West Side Story – “I want to be in Amer-i-ca! OK by me in Amer-i-ca!”?

Well, Betty goes to get her nails done. OK, she is also on the phone trying to find a flight for Ignacio.

But does the show really want us to believe that Betty is the kind of gal who would turn to beauty regimes to relax while she tries to solve her family’s problems? And if she was, wouldn’t she have done something about brushing her hair first?
Also, Valerie, Hilda’s beauty school teacher, isn’t sympathetic to the Suarez family problems. She is also not sympathetic to Hilda’s long acrylic nails. She tells Hilda that she has to cut her nails before their exams the next day or she will fail. And you know what that would make her… a “beauty school dropout, no graduation day for you!” First West Side Story. Now Grease. I feel like Justin would probably enjoy this recap.

Betty wants to help find a flight, but after work she has to go to the Mode party for Administrative Professionals Day. You may still know us as Secretaries Day, but don’t say that around Betty, because the name was changed in 1998. You know, right after they changed the name of Groundhog Day to “Woodchuck Celebration and Recognition Day”. Don’t call them groundhogs any more, it makes them angry.

Betty explains that all of the administrative assistants at Mode will be going to The Middle Ages, a themed restaurant in Times Square. Hilda is surprised that they’d go there, but Betty explains that the other assistants like to go places to make fun of the “common people.”

Betty heads off to work, hoping for a big bonus that will help her family buy the plane tickets. Instead, Daniel gives her a golden trophy that congratulates her on being the world’s best notary, because he got to the store late. And really, Daniel, we’re not buying it. Quick, name the store between your fancy Fifth Avenue apartment and the fancy Mode offices has cheap plastic trophies painted gold?

But Daniel, proud of himself for spending just $2.99 on Betty, asks Betty to send in some models for him to meet with. Good thing Daniel learned his lesson from almost losing his job last week (and I think the week before, and the week before that). His ability to stick with it, see through his problems and still want to sleep with models should be a lesson to us all!

Betty sits down at her desk and starts eating some yogurt. Nick passes by and realizes that she stole his yogurt out of the fridge. Betty says that it didn’t have a name on it. But, even though Nick is a dick, it’s really hard to take Betty’s side on this. Is anything not emblazoned with a name fair name? Damn it – as I was typing this, someone just walked off with the plant that was on my desk! Should have written my name on that! Quick, everyone, get out your Sharpies!

Meanwhile, Amanda is telling us how much she hates Secretaries Day. Too bad there’s no such thing, you Administrative Professional, you. To get through her pain, Marc tries to get her to focus on the party at The Middle Ages, but Amanda says that she’s going to skip it. What? Amanda, skipping a party? There must be something more…

Meanwhile, Wil is in bed with Bradford trying to make him listen to and appreciate jazz. When he says that he still doesn’t like it, she tells him “You’re so white sometimes.” Um, right… Up until not liking jazz, I mistakenly thought that Bradford wasn’t the Whitest Man in the Universe. I mean, his name is Bradford, for goodness sakes.

Wil tries to get him to go out with her to a jazz club, but he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want Claire to hear about him out on the town with Wil. I like how Bradford thinks… it doesn’t matter if you cheat on your wife, as long as it isn’t in the tabloids. Cool.

Meanwhile, Alexis is in bed with Rodrigo. She doesn’t think that going to Brazil with him would work, for reasons that include the face that she has in her passport photo has sideburns and a mustache. And that seems like a good reason to me – can you imagine being behind someone trying to explain that to security personnel?? Security won’t even let me bring my Tide Stain Pen onto a plane, there is no way they’d be able to figure out a sex change.

Oh, also, Alexis can’t leave her mother while she’s in prison. But Rodrigo thinks that her mother would want her to be happy. Which seems logical, until you remember that a few weeks ago, what made Alexis happy was throwing Bradford in jail. So I’m pretty sure the Meade family isn’t exactly working to maximize each other’s happiness.

Betty comes up with a plan to get money for Ignacio – she can win $1,000 if she can ride a mechanical horse at Middle Ages for 15 seconds. Betty thinks she can do it, because she has “thighs of steal.”

Marc dresses up in a medieval costume to try to convince Amanda to attend.

Which is funny, but also very un-Marc. Dressing up seems much more Betty… And don’t you think he’d get further telling her that they could make fun of Betty while she rides the mechanical horse? Marc can’t figure out why Amanda refuses to go until she pulls out her acting demo reel. After an appearance on a soap opera and in a phone sex ad

Then comes the best part – Amanda playing a serving wench in the promo for the Middle Ages that runs in a loop at the restaurant. She’s embarrassed, because when everyone sees it they’ll never let her live it down. Marc notes that if she goes, she’ll be able to punish anyone who laughs at her. And this is just the way to change Amanda’s mind.

Henry finds Betty and asks to go to the party, because he loves castles and princesses. Ah ha! The reason that Henry and Betty aren’t together is that Henry is secretly a 12-year-old girl! Seriously, telling a girl you might like that you love castles and princesses is weird.

Also, Show, you completely forgot that the last time we saw Henry and Betty, he was caressing her face, and then Charlie came in and saw them. Really, nothing happened after that?? Don’t lie to me, Show!

Betty says that he can go to the party. But, sadly, Charlie can’t make it – she is doing something about selling her jewelry or flirting with a Japanese guy in a diner or having the top of her head cut off to have her powers sucked out. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t really care what Charlie is doing, I just want Betty to go to Make Out City with Henry already.

Betty has set up a meeting for Daniel with Tyler Blake, who apparently writes for Psychology Now, another Meade Publication. Seriously, does Betty work in a totally different universe? Because it seemed to me that not taking someone’s yogurt out of the fridge is a pretty obvious rule of office etiquette, but not blabbing about your boss’s sex problems to other employees is even more obvious.

Daniel has no interest in meeting with the guy, apparently thinking that his sex life is not the business of Betty and some stranger. Then Daniel overhears Betty on the phone trying to make plane reservations for her father, and she explains to him about her father’s deportation and how they don’t have the money to pay for his plane ticket. Daniel apparently hears “Blah, blah, blah, blah”, because it has nothing to do with having sex with models. But she does convince him to go in and meet with Tyler.

And at this point, I realize that no one in the Suarez family has a credit card. I know charging stuff that you can’t afford is bad and financially irresponsible and blah, blah, blah (that’s what I hear when people talk about financial responsibility, because I prefer carrying cute handbags over being financially solvent), but if Ignacio really has to get to Mexico, pull out a card! Use a Visa to get that visa! (If Visa uses that tagline, we’ll all know where they got it, and you will all have to testify in a court of law that it was my idea!)

Hilda is at home about to cut her nails when Justin stops her. He reminds her that Barbra didn’t cut her nails to play Yentl. Probably true, but it also seems irrelevant to compare the life of Barbra to a Hispanic hairdresser-wanna-be in Queens. Also, if we’re going to refer to a Jewish musical, couldn’t it be “Fiddler on the Roof”? But Hilda agrees with Justin and decides to quit beauty school.

Meanwhile, Alexis goes to the prison to see Claire. Claire seems worse for the wear, and tells Alexis that she got her bruises from yoga. When Alexis tells Claire about Rodrigo, Claire encourages her to move with him. She says that even though it’s been hard with Bradford, but they’ve always been there for each other. She doesn’t mention that Bradford was also there for a lot of other people, which is a pretty big thing to overlook.

Alexis leave, happy to have her mother’s approval. But as soon as she goes, a scary tattooed lady threatens Claire. And that lady is named Yoga.

Yikes. Boy am I glad we didn’t have to meet Pilates!

Daniel meets with Tyler, who tells him that he’s seeking out sex so he won’t have to deal with his problems and face his life. Daniel has a date that night, and Tyler suggests that he makes it a sexless date. Or, as Daniel would like to call it: “A total waste of time.”

The whole Mode gang shows up at Middle Ages. And Amanda realizes that there is something worse than everyone seeing her in the Middle Ages video… being replaced by a younger serving wench in the Middle Ages video. That’s right – the part that was played by Amanda is now being played by someone younger, because everyone knows that after the age of 21, you’re not longer able to serve. That’s when you go on to Middle-Aged Ages, which includes such fun games as “How Much Is in Your 401k?” and “Heartburn: Not as Awesome as You Were Led to Believe.”

Betty is checking out the horse and it’s scarier than she originally thought. Which means that Betty didn’t really think too much at all, did she? Because did she really think that they were going to give away $1,000 for doing something really easy that everyone can do, thus losing a ton of money every night?

Then Betty gets a call from Hilda, who tells her that Ignacio is refusing to leave the country and go to Mexico. Renewed in her purpose, Betty looks again at the horse and tells Hilda that she’ll come home with the money. Someone stop her and tell her that it’s a lot easier just to apply for a credit card. You can even do it on this new thing called the “interweb”.

When Henry hears about Betty’s plan to “tame the jousting steed”, he thinks that he should ride the horse instead of Betty. Well, naturally, Henry would be my choice to protect me in a physical challenge? That is, if by physical, I mean balancing my check-book. If I needed someone to kick some butt, I’m pretty sure I’d call Alexis.

But before Betty can thank him, Henry steps away to take a phone call from Charlie, who is jealous that Henry is with Betty. Seriously, would it be too much to ask for a little Sylar cross-over right here?

Meanwhile, Daniel has returned home with his date. And if you’re really trying hard for a sex free date, you know what you should do – naturally, bring your date back to your bedroom. Yup, that’s what Daniel does, and surprise, surprise, they end up having sex. Who’d have seen that one coming?

And what is Wil up to? Yay – Wil is visiting Claire in prison! At first she pretends she’s there to help Bradford, but when Claire sees her perfectly manicured toes, she realizes that Wil has been having an affair with Bradford. Claire freaks out, telling her to stay away from her husband. And given what happened to the last women who had an affair with Claire’s husband, well, if I were Wil, I’d check my brakes.

Henry is still fighting with Charlie when his name is called, so Betty decides to take his place. Given that there was about a 30 second lag between when Henry signed up and when he was called, I’m pretty sure they could have rescheduled. But before we know it, Betty is being led to the horse.

Nick heckles her, saying that she’s so fat and will break the horse, and then daps fists with his buddies. Who knew that there was a group of fraternity boys secretly working at women’s fashion magazines? And why are we supposed to hate Nick for making fat jokes with his buddies, when we’re supposed to find it funny and charming when Amanda and Marc do the same thing….

Betty is holding her own on the horse, until Nick throws something at her and hits her in the head. Betty is thrown off balance and with just two seconds to go before getting the $1000, she falls onto the mat. Nick high fives the frat boys until Henry gets in his face. Nick won’t back down, declaring “Whatever. Brace face jacked my yogurt.” On what planet is it manly to call people “brace face” and complain about yogurt stealing? Nick is gayer than Marc.

Meanwhile, Daniel meets Tyler at a bar. He tells Tyler that he couldn’t go cold turkey and even had sex with his date during Hotel Rwanda. Yikes. Tyler tells him that he used to have the same problem and that only one thing helped… and with that, he slips Daniel a bottle of pills. Next month in Psychology Today – how to replace your sex addiction with a drug addiction! Yay!

Wil has called Marc away from the party for help with her new plan. In order to convince Bradford that Claire is a monster, she wants Marc to beat her up. That makes sense – Marc would be exactly who I would go to for some muscle (after Henry, natch!). After a cat fight and some scratching, Marc pushes her and Wil falls down the stairs.

Back at Middle Ages, Nick and Henry have been told that they have to settle their disagreement the Middle Ages way. And just as real knights did, they’re wearing silver lame. They have to stand on a log and use padded jousting sticks to fight (Jousting sticks is their official medieval name. I’m sure of it!).

Betty imagines herself as a princess whose knight defends her honor. But in real life, Nick knocks Henry off the log and then beats him up.

Betty runs over to him and just before he passes out, Henry says “I love you.”

YAY!

But then Charlie is standing right there. And Charlie is mad, and tells Betty to back off.

BOO!

Meanwhile, Alexis tells Rodrigo that she will go with him to Brazil. He excuses himself and while he’s in the other room, she picks up his phone and overhears Rodrigo telling Bradford that Alexis is going to Brazil with him. When he comes back into the room, Alexis confronts him. She walks out, telling him that she can still “hit like a man”. But as soon as she’s in the hallway, she breaks down in tears.

DOUBLE BOO! I think I like Alexis, and wouldn’t mind if she found some love.

Back at the Suarez house, Ignacio still insists that he isn’t going to go to Mexico – at least not until he’s sure that Hilda can take care of the family. Convinced, Hilda goes into the dining room and cuts off her nails. Tonight for dinner at the Suarez House: Lee Press-On Enchiladas. Yum.

Charlie helps Henry out of The Middle Ages. Betty is upset that he is staying with Charlie, even though he said that he loved her, but Christina reminds her that she doesn’t need a boyfriend and that she can take care of herself. With that, Betty gets up and goes over to Nick, and hits him in the head with the jousting stick.

I would be more excited about this Powerpuff move if she hadn’t totally blindsided him. Nick may be a dick, but you shouldn’t just hit someone from behind.

In Queens, Hilda returns to the beauty shop, where she shows off her mad beauty skillz and passes her exam.

And Wil manages to convince Bradford that Claire had some thugs attack her in an alley. Bradford decides to divorce Claire. Doesn’t he have like seven private eyes working for him investigating Fey’s death? Wouldn’t you think he’d take five minutes to have one of them look into this? But Wil interscepts a phone call from Claire, so it seems like her evil plan is taking hold.

And, in other news, Alexis makes a phone call, trying to get Bradford “eliminated.” And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean in an Amazing Race sort of way.

At Mode, Daniel realizes how thoughtless he was and gives Betty first class plane tickets to Mexico for her and her whole family. Betty is grateful and hugs him. Daniel sits down at his desk, but when he sees a hot Mode employee, he takes out the bottle of pills and the world starts to do crazy spinning things.

And that’s the end…. Only a couple of episodes left. Will Ignacio get a visa? Will Alexis get revenge? Will Claire get a girlfriend? Will Daniel get a drug problem? Will Betty get a credit card? Only time will tell!