Time to go to Mexico! Ole! The entire Suarez family is packed and ready to go off to the land of cheap lobster, mas margaritas and sunburns. And of course, the land of visas that will keep Ignacio in America.
But Betty’s having a hard time getting the family out the door. Hilda is stressed about leaving, because she isn’t ready for her upcoming wedding. Betty’s suggestion that she find her wedding dress in Mexico doesn’t go over well. I think Betty’s confusing Mexico’s reputation as a good place to buy cheap drugs with a good place to buy wedding dresses.
But then the phone rings, and suddenly Henry is leaving a message, wishing Betty a good trip. I would be more excited if he was asking her to go to Make Out City with him. I bet Betty could get a visa for that pronto. But Betty doesn’t pick up, and tells Hilda that Henry has a girlfriend and if it was “meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard.” Then she deletes the message from the answering machine.
Over at Mode, Daniel is trying to run a meeting while high on his anti-sex drugs. Say what you will, the drugs do seem to be working – he might be high as a kite, but at least he’s not sleeping with anyone in the office. Life is a series of trade-offs, people.
But being high has other side-effects – like making ridiculous suggestions. Alexis and Daniel end up in a tiff and Wil tries to move the meeting along by announcing that she’s secured Jordan Dunn for the upcoming Fearless Women issue. The feature will be called “The Daredevil Wears Prada”, as Jordan is the kind of woman who hang glides, ice climbs and swims the English Channel in a leather bikini. I hate those women. I prefer the kind of woman who takes a glance at the English Channel and then goes to get crumpets and gossip about the Queen’s corgis.
Alexis very emphatically doesn’t want Jordan in the magazine. Without explaining why, she declares the meeting over and walks out. Daniel explains to a bewildered Wil that Jordan was Alexis’s girlfriend “before he became a she”, and they haven’t seen each other since. Daniel is excited to see the tension between Alexis and Jordan, and wants a high five from Wil and Marc. Apparently being high turns Daniel into that pervy doctor on “Scrubs.” I mean, high fives?! What kind of fraternity is this?
Later, Wil reviews a rack of Tavares’s designs. She likes them, but declares that the coconut buttons he used on the blazer are a disaster. She tells him to fix it by tomorrow night and leaves. Amanda explains that Wil will be bringing all the New York buyers to his studio the next night.
Amanda is ready to get romantique, but Tavares reminds her that they need to keep their distance in public. Amanda is bummed – “I finally got a hot boyfriend and I can’t even use it to make all the other sluts feel bad about themselves.” I once overheard Katie Holmes say the same thing.
On the plane, Betty is quizzing Ignacio about their family tree. But when she asks about their mother’s family, Ignacio gets upset and tells her that he didn’t really know them. When Hilda asks if no one knows that he killed their mother’s husband, Ignacio sushes them. Then Betty notices that she’s missing one of her earrings. But given that one plastic earring says “Buenos” and the other says “Dias”, no one should be sad that they’re gone.
And where is Justin on this flight? Back in Coach class, singing tunes from West Side Story? Nope, he’s missing. But you’re not supposed to notice that.
Meanwhile, Bradford confesses to Wil that he hasn’t signed his divorce papers. He reminisces about the days when young “Brad Meade” first met Claire and felt that he could do anything. Wil assures him that he still can, and tells him to shake things up – get a new look, buy a new car, and come to a party with her downtown. Is that what people named Brad do? Go through a belated mid-life crisis? All he’s missing is an earring and a skateboard.
At a party in Mexico (which looks remarkably like the San Fernando Valley), Betty’s using her broken Spanish to try to talk to her relatives. Except her Spanish is so bad that she mistakenly tells them that she’s pregnant. Too bad she lost that other earring – she could have used it to help with translation… What comes after “buenos” again? Hmm….
At the same party, Ignacio talks to his sister, Mira. In English. Muy weirdo. Ignacio warns her about talking too much when she drinks, but she assures him that she’ll never tell his secrets. And, by the way, Show, call her Mira if you want to, but that’s Rita Moreno from West Side Story, and will hereafter be referred to as Rita Moreno from West Side Story (RMFWSS), out of respect.
But if we don’t get a duet between RMFWSS and Justin by the end of the episode, I’m cracking skulls.
Betty and Hilda notice an old woman staring at them. Their cousin’s wife tells them that the old woman is a powerful healer. She also made a fortune as the model for all those shrunken heads they sell in gift shops.
The old woman approaches and tells Betty some stuff in Spanish. Hilda translates for us, and we just have to believe that Hilda is fluent in Spanish while Betty speaks not a word. But Hilda tells us that the woman says that Betty will be unhappy for the rest of her life and that she must look back in order to move forward. She sees a tree with missing branches and the answer is behind the tree.
Hilda thinks that the old woman is crazy. And I think so, too. Mainly because any glimpse into my future that doesn’t involve cupcakes, giant diamonds and puppies is a glimpse that I will reject. But Betty is intrigued when the old woman tells her where her missing earring is. Except the missing earring is caught in her sleeve, so the woman might not be as much psychic as she is observant.
That night, Betty can’t sleep and wakes up Hilda sure of the answer – the old lady was telling her to fill in their mother’s side of the family tree. RMFWSS comes in, and asks “Who’s that pretty girl in the mirror there?”, to which Betty replies “What mirror? Where?” OK, Betty really asks RMFWSS about her mother. But when Betty asks about her mother’s family, RMFWSS shuts her down and says she knows nothing about them. Maybe Betty would have had better luck by asking in the form of a song.
Back at the Mode offices, Jordan stops by Alexis’s office. My first thought is “Yikes, what happened to Rebecca Gayheart’s face?”
My second thought was “Rebecca Gayheart is the best they could do in casting an outdoor adventure girl?” She looks like the furthest she has been outdoors is walking through an open air mall.
But putting all of that aside, Alexis apologizes and they make up. Jordan even complements Alexis’s boobs, to which Alexis reponds: “Thanks, they’re yours. I took a picture of you to the surgeon.” I’m not sure if having your boyfriend model the new boobs he’s getting in his sex change after yours is flattering or just really creepy.
Back in Mexico, Hilda is trying on wedding dresses, and they’re pretty hideous. But, look, it’s Justin!
Remember him? Well, look now, and look closely, because we won’t see him again this episode. Which means no duet. Which means I feel like this: GRRRR!
At Mode, Daniel sees Jordan as she leaves the office. He’s disappointed that Alexis and Jordan had an amicable meeting. But because Daniel went into therapy last week, he has grown a lot as a person and wishes Jordan the best before going to discuss his feelings with Alexis. Just kidding! Since his fake therapist got him hooked on pills, Daniel decides to hit on Jordan. He asks to join Jordan for her photo shoot bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Meanwhile, Christina and Wil are giving Bradford a make-over. Since Wil has banned suits, Christina dresses him up in an orange shirt, jeans and a leather jacket. It’s not as dignified as a suit, but it could have been worse – it’s way better than Clay Aiken’s creepy emo makeover. At least with Bradford, he just looks like he’s having a midlife crisis, not like he’s desperately trying to fool us into thinking he’s straight (sorry, Clay). Wil’s complements on the outfit make Bradford wonder if he should go even further.
Meanwhile, Betty is feeding drinks to RMFWSS. And unlike when I drink, there isn’t any impromptu karaoke. And what’s the point of drinking when there isn’t singing? Oh, yeah, because RMFWSS gets a bit loose lipped, and lets it slip that Betty’s grandmother is alive.
Shocked at this news, Betty and Hilda confront Ignacio. He tells her that their mother’s mother hated him. He was just a cook, and she thought her daughter Rosa should stay with her husband. The night they left, her mother told Rosa that if she walked out the door, Rosa would be dead to her. Rosa wrote her over the years and sent pictures, but they always came back unopened. Yikes. The Suarez family is starting to sounds like the Meades!
Back at Mode, Jordan admires a picture from the photo shoot with Daniel. And you know what has to happen after a photo shoot – making out! That’s right, Daniel and Jordan kiss. Now the Meade family is starting to look as loco as the Suarez family. This is a never-ending circle of loco!
Alexis is in the elevator with a secretive man who wears his sunglasses inside.
She hands him an envelope and he asks if she has a preference as to how they make her father disappear. I love contract killers who give you a preference. Although it seems like they could make it easier if they set up an automated response system – “For cut brakes, press one. For poison, press two…” Alexis gets off the elevator, but when she sees Daniel and Jordan kissing, she gets back in.
Meanwhile, at the party, Tavares plays gay for the buyer from Barneys. He sends Amanda off to fetch a drink for him, prompting Marc to say that Tavares is a mean gay. And also a mean guy, gayness aside. But the whole party stops when Bradford shows up, decked out in a shiny leopard shirt, a brown leather jacket and pierced ears. As Wil says: “Wow. Brad is back.” Either that or Dirk Diggler has just shown up.
Behind the scenes, Amanda confronts Tavares on how he is treating her. He makes an excuse explaining that it’s a big night for him. And as Dr. Phil always says: “As long as it’s a big night for you, it’s okay to be a dick to your partner.” That Dr. Phil sure is smart!
Amanda reminds Tavares that his jackets still have big ugly seashell buttons on them, and Wil still hates big ugly seashell buttons. But instead of replacing the buttons, Tavares and Amanda make out. Which is way more fun than sewing on buttons (sewing on buttons is hard and when I do it the buttons always look slightly askew), but also less beneficial for the career.
And what they don’t know while making out is that Marc is peeking. Methinks Marc has a bit of a snooping problem. First it was Daniel and Salma Hayek (or was it Daniel and Lucy Liu?) Now Amanda and Taraves. Next week, in a very special Ugly Betty: Betty makes Marc get help for his Peeping Tom problem with an expert from Mind Your Own Beeswax Magazine.
But when Marc confronts Amanda, telling her how sad it is that she’s in love with a gay guy, Amanda tells him the truth about Tavares being straight. Marc still isn’t convinced that Tavares is the man for her and tells her to come out of the closet – she deserves a real relationship.
In Mexico, Ignacio has gone off to his visa appointment. And Betty has tricked Hilda into a road trip to their grandmother’s house by telling her that they’re on their way to an outlet mall. You know, because the middle of the Mexican desert is known for its Crate and Barrel outlet bargains.
Betty looks out the window and thinks she sees Henry on a green motorbike.
You know, because the middle of the Mexican desert is known for its New York accountant-on-motorcycle sightings. Betty gets off the bus, hoping to talk to “Henry”, but he drives away. Hilda follows Betty off the bus, and as they argue the bus leaves, stranding the sisters in the middle of nowhere.
They walk to the nearest town, where Betty asks around to see if anyone knows their grandmother or knows of her blue house. Hilda stops to rest in a cafÃ©, but Betty sees “Henry” again and runs off after him. Betty needs to read “He’s Just Not That Into You” – if he wanted to talk to you, he wouldn’t keep running away.
But could it be that perhaps “Henry” has another purpose? He leads her to a tree with half dead branches and beyond it is a blue house. And then, again, “Henry” disappears. Betty knocks on the door and sees an old woman inside. Betty introduces herself, but the old woman says nothing. Betty keeps talking. The woman stands up, pulls out a shotgun, and tells Betty that she’s not her grandmother and to get the hell off her property. Just kidding. A nurse comes in (who conveniently speaks English) and explains that the woman “is no longer in the present.” That’s a translation for “crazy old coot.”
Meanwhile, Alexis confronts Daniel, and tells him to stay away from Jordan. But Daniel won’t give in – he finally has the one thing that Alexis can’t have. He even gloats: “You’ve ever seen me win before. Alex, this is me winning.” Weird how Daniel was willing to give up without a fight when it came to the magazine, but he’s willing to throw down for Rebecca Gayheart. She must be one good “skydiver.”
Alexis then finds Jordan waiting in Daniel’s office. She warns Jordan that Daniel will just hurt her to try to get back at Alexis. And Jordan admits that she’s only attracted to Daniel to try to get close to Alexis. And Dr. Drew’s head explodes, knowing there is no way that he can help a love triangle so confused and convoluted. In the end, Jordan and Alexis realize that they have to part way and they kiss goodbye.
And, of course, Daniel walks in and sees them. And then walks out and tries to take a happy pill. And if the guy told him to take the pills whenever he wanted to have sex, does that mean that seeing his brother who is now his sister make out with a girl turned him on? Either way, Daniel’s pill bottle is empty.
Meanwhile at the party, Bradford notices a young lady staring at him. When he approaches her, she just tells him that his ear is oozing.
He looks at himself in the mirror and shakes his head. Aw, in your face, Dirk Diggler wanna be! He should have gone with the sk8tr look and hoped that Avril Lavigne would be there.
When Amanda says goodnight to Tavares, the Barney’s buyer calls her a “sad little hag”. This makes Marc angry – after all, Amanda might be little and she might be a hag, but she is not sad! So Marc stops the whole party and announces that Tavares is straight.
For a beat, everyone is quiet. Then Wil and the buyer both agree that someone’s sexuality isn’t important – they only care about the clothes. Just then, Amanda comes out with the coconut shell button jacket. And so much for the clothes – we all know how Wil feels about coconut shells!
Back in Mexico, the old woman mistakes Betty for Rosa and apologizes. She tells her “You have always been in my heart”. And she then tells Betty that she should go with Ignacio – “If you love someone, you must find a way to be with them…. Fight for the man you love.”
In New York, Wil finds Bradford thinking that he was a fool to think that he could be Brad Meade again. But tells him that Bradford is a strong, wise, sexy man who ruined all other men for her. She must have also slipped him a glimpse of her feet, because suddenly he has no more doubts and he signs the divorce papers.
Back in Mexico, Hilda is getting a foot massage from the young hot guy who works at the local cafÃ©. Just as Hilda worries that there’s a reason she can’t find a wedding dress, Betty runs up with a lovely white dress that belonged to their mother. And you know what that dress is? A sign that she is meant to be married!
And then a lot of stuff happens quickly: Ignacio introduces himself to the young man. And as soon as Ignacio walks away, the mystery cafÃ© man makes a call and tells someone on the other end that Ignacio is back and they can finally get their revenge. At Daniel’s condo, Daniel is robbed by someone who is bringing him more pills. At Mode, Amanda and Marc are raiding the closet. When Amanda picks a pair of peep toe shoes, the Love Dungeon opens up. And Betty tells Ignacio that she’s going to fight for Henry. Although Ignacio’s visa has been denied and he is going to stay in Mexico, Ignacio insists that Betty must return to New York, and to her future.
So we’re all set up for next week’s finale. There’s a lot to resolve – Claire in prison, Bradford signing divorce papers, Wil trying to take over Mode, Daniel addicted to drugs, the discovery of the Love Dungeon, Ignacio stuck in Mexico, Betty fighting for Henry… Oh my!