Ugly Betty: High School Haunts You FOREVER!

Dear Crabby: If you could go back to high school, what would you change?

Dear Couch Ass Groove: First of all, I wouldn’t if you paid me. Second, there would be some serious ass-kicking going on and you know who you are, Kelly B!

Private Betty, reporting for duty.

We open this Ugly Betty with a war scene, because apparently that’s fashionable now? (and is the same idea Daniel pitched last season, the War issue which Wilhelmina changed to the Peace issue…). There are women dressed in bright red all over the battlefield, which really? Is that really the message you’d want to send these days? War? Oy, this magazine is going down faster than a 16 year old Catholic school girl.

War is so glamorous!

Claire just happens to stop the photo shoot for coffee, because nothing says Folgers like coffee cooked over an Army campfire. Betty says she’s been meaning to talk to her but between doing the photo shoots “Daniel’s way, then doing them Wilhelmina’s way,” she hasn’t had time. Because that sounds like a cost effective way to run a business, pay for two photo shoots then choose the best. What are they, AIG?

Good to the last drop. Take a good look at the belt, it gets two scenes this episode.

Betty’s concern is that Daniel hasn’t discussed D.J. being gone. Who? Oh, yeah, his illegitimate nephew. Boorring. Betty turns around and says the same thing I did, “PUPPY!” Yes, it’s a little white fur ball. Wilhelmina comes storming in with more puppies and kids in tow yelling, “What the hell is this?” What the hell indeed? Is that Dalmatian she’s wearing? Ah, Cruella.

“Love is a Battlefield,” Daniel says, “It’s the center spread for our Valentine’s issue.” Ah, so it’s less Iraqi-related and more Pat Benatar-related, which makes this hypothetical death montage much more palatable. Thanks, co-editor. Wilhelmina says she thought they were doing “Puppy Love”, and suddenly I want to ask, “Who are you, and what have you done with the REAL Wilhelmina?”

People! I need someone to skin both these puppies AND children for a suit! Thank you!

Marc says the PETA people are up in arms about her coat and Wilhelmina says, “It’s not real Dalmation, it’s rare albino leopard.” Ahhh, there she is, Wilhelmina in true form. Phew. She and Daniel get into what I can only imagine is their four thousandth argument of the day when Daniel puts his foot down about the shoot.

“Kill the puppies!” he says as everyone gasps.

“Did you hear that?” Wilhelmina yells, aiming at the phone still connected to PETA. “Daniel Meade kills puppies!”

“Wilhelmina Slater does not support our troops!” Daniel yells back. Oh, good one. I’m sure the PETA people give a crap. Maybe if he had said “K-9 troops” instead.

You got chocolate in my peanut butter!
You got peanut butter in my chocolate!

The two of them go at it like a couple of chicken coop hens, both yelling they are the editor-in-chief of the magazine when clearly they are co-editors. Reminds me of my yearbook days, except we actually all got along. Claire screams at the two of them that although she is not the editor-in-chief, “This is a disaster.” The photo shoot has morphed into puppies in the army! There are soldiers holding puppies and children in gas masks and fashion models hoping they don’t digest their saliva, all over the set. I would so cancel my subscription to this magazine.

Oh, great. The apocalypse has occurred and the kids survived! Damn!

“I’m bored,” Amanda says to Betty, who clearly has no time for this what with the co-editor day care she’s running and all. “This is a perfectly hideous outfit you’re wearing but I’ve already made fun of it.” I have too, Amanda. “There’s something at your desk,” she says, flitting her fingers in the direction of Betty’s IKEA setup. And I love IKEA, I’m just saying it looks like the Meade Empire does too. And what is at Betty’s desk?

Lindsay Lohan. People, once was enough. The Crab does not like tons of guest-starrage on her shows as that usually indicates a jumping of some kind of marine creature. And, the Crab has a particular distaste for La Lohan in that she’s a talentless hack with no boundaries and crappy parents that completely contributed to her behavior which is a shame but shouldn’t mean I have to see her face on the cover of every tabloid at the checkout line. Which is why I turn the tabloids face-down when I’m paying for them with my food stamps and/or good looks.

Crap. Is it sweeps week? Je deteste guest stars.

Betty is surprised to see Kimmie who says, “Remember when you came to Flushing Burger?” and got in that huge food fight? Yes, I’m sure she does. “You gave me that huge speech about how I could do better? Well, it turns out I can’t.” She quit her job but no one wants to hire her which is surprising given that skill set and peace-symbol earrings, her boyfriend that she hates cheated on her, and it’s possible the Lyme disease is back. If you just add a case of the clap, it really is Lindsay Lohan’s life.

Kimmie says since high school her life has been a downhill slide, which I can let all of you popular people know is totally true for you! You might treat me like crap because I was a total dork in school, but you ended up getting knocked up by that guy from the track team and had to drop out of college to raise your kid while I got an MBA. Who’s laughing now, bitches? Well, probably the Sallie Mae people who hold my grad school loan, that’s who. Son of a bitch!

Bottom line is Kimmie wants a job at Mode. Betty wants no part of that…not a lot of openings here…then Daniel in his usual way shows up and botches everything by telling Betty to hire a temp. Too bad he didn’t say qualified temp, that would have let Kimmie down easier. So she’s hired! Thanks, Daniel, this won’t come back to bite Betty in the ass.

Is she saying no or is it her “O” face?
No wonder Daniel missed this signal.

Betty immediately goes to complain to Christina who for some reason has decided to return to work without a peep or the huge lawsuit you know she would totally be filing against Alexis and the Meade corporation. Plus, is it me, or did her pregnancy sort of come to a standstill? I know my interest in this baby storyline has. And speaking of no interest, Stuart is still in the picture, complaining about having to do the dishes. Yeah, because normally heroin addicts are like freakin’ Merry Maids.

Like I’m looking in a mirror…in 1986.

Betty tells this horrible story about how in high school she tried to be friends with Kimmie but instead Kimmie totally pants (pantsed?) her during lunch, or in this case, skirted-her, so everyone could see her granny panties. Still better than the bow-tie she’s wearing. This little stunt made Kimmie super-popular in high school and made Betty known as “Granny Panty” for her entire high school career. Don’t we all have a story like that? Christina tells her to “make her life a misery” to get her back. You mean like maybe shoving her down a flight of stairs?

Granny panties or not, that is one sweet hiney.

Speaking of horrible school stories, Justin has decided to try out for Billy Madison – no, wait, Billy Elliott, although the former would have been a funnier mix. While walking down the school hallway, big, bad, bulldozing bully bumps into Justin on purpose, knocking his books on the floor. “I’m sure this happened to Patti Lupone all the time.” Yeah, really not so much because she would have kicked that guys ass.

Wow, yet another high school flashback, sans the Patti Lupone reference.

Back at Mode Kimmie says she got all the expense report receipts from everyone except “Wil-me-mina.” Good one, dipshit. She sees Wilhelmina and goes to ask for the receipts and Betty begins to tell her not to, but then she carpes her diem and encourages Kimmie to go ask for them. Why? Lambs/slaughter, dogs/chew bones, me/an Intervention marathon. I know it’s mean, but damn, don’t we ALL wish we could have this kind of revenge on the meanies of our school?

But Kimmie goes all in…not only does she ask for the receipts, but then tells Wilhelmina she has the same jacket that she got at a 60% discount at some store, “and you can’t even see the whole under the left arm pit.” Wilhelmina screams for Marc who like a feline gets in Kimmie’s face and hisses like the feral cat in my neighborhood. “SCAT!”

Like me without my caffeine in the morning.

At Casa Suarez, Betty is recounting her story and saying how good it felt. Now Betty’s getting ugly on the inside, which is why I’m starting to relate to her more. Hilda’s all like, “That bitch got what she deserved!” and “Tie that skank to a lamppost and let her rot!” Betty gives her the WTF? Look and Hilda says she’s trying not to be sad about Coach, “so I’m choosing anger.” Smooth. “It’s a great release,” she says, smashing her hand into Justin’s taco salad. Do Mexicans really eat taco salad out of a taco bowl? Seems sort of sacrilegious, especially since Papi is such a great cook.

Channeling being dumped into being evil…nice segue.

Papi goes into Dad mode and asks Betty if she’s every thought about helping Kimmie. See, this is where men and women are so completely different! Men get over things whereas women carry grudges like fine handbags. It’s written on that second X chromosome we get, along with knowing how to wrap gifts and doing manicures. Like elephants, we don’t forget whether it be a fight we had with someone, what we wore, or how we were treated in high school by that one mean bitch.

“Maybe if you give Kimmie a chance, you’ll find you’re not as different as you think,” Papi says. God, that is just like a Dad to try to find the bright side of things and the good in people. That does us no good in the real world!

Back at Mode Marc and Amanda are trying to figure out something to make their day brighter, like shaving half of Betty’s head. “That sounds like a lot of work,” Amanda says. Then they both see it: “TEMP!” Yes, Kimmie will now be their new victim. Excellent! They flank her immediately.

Velociraptors work the same way.

“Cute tiny backpack,” Amanda taunts. “Do you put all your tiny scrunchies in it?” She does!

“It’s so dope,” Marc says, “not nineties at all.” Man, I’m getting a high school flashback. Kimmie is relieved that they “like” it, because she hasn’t bought new clothes since high school and tells them that at her last job they had uniforms to which Amanda snaps her fingers.

“N…..I….” then she unsnaps her fingers in Kimmie’s face. Heh. I can’t wait to use that on one of my nieces.

Oh my God, that is so high school. You’re promoted!

Wilhelmina starts the meeting and begins to discuss how much work they have coming up (double the editors, double the work!) when Kimmie for whatever reason falls off her chair and into the mock-up of the cover. I’m guessing the DTs hit La Lohan hard that day. Betty suggests she run and get everyone water and Marc says, “Wow, throw a poncho and sideburns on that girl and she could be you, Betty.” Oh my God, that’s right, how I miss that poncho! So stylish and pockets for scrunchies I bet!

OW my nose! Damn you and your football Peter Brady!

“For our first order of business, fire that trainwreck,” Willie says, just as Kimmie runs into the glass walls and drops all the water a la first day Betty. Everyone cracks up. That was hilarious but you could see how something like that could happen if you were some kind of scarecrow looking for a brain. They ought to consider putting decals on those things.

“Stop!” Betty yells. “Sometimes when people walk in here, they get nervous and they don’t do so well on their first day. Or maybe, they make regrettable wardrobe decisions that they can never live down.” Betty decides to turn Kimmie into the perfect assistant via some kind of Pygmalion system of training. Wouldn’t it be lovely?

Walking through the halls of Mode, Betty tells Kimmie that working there can be intimidating, but luckily Betty has come up an acronym which makes it all too clear why it was so easy to make fun of Betty in high school. “A.R.G.” Arg(h) is right! Anticipate. Research. Gumption. She forgot “Sucking up” and “Lips on Boss’s Ass.” Oh, and remembering how to say Wilhelmina’s name. Kimmie just can’t get it.

Speaking of ARG, nice outfit, Betty.

Over at the Mode commissary, Claire is digging into a bowl of fruity loopy marshmallowy crispy something or other (hopefully with Bailey’s instead of milk). She says D.J. turned her on to it and oh-by-the-way she has a boxful of D.J. memories…baseball cards, a lingerie catalog, and a game that involves pimps getting revenge – no wait, that’s Daniel’s. Daniel doesn’t want to talk about D.J.

However…Daniel does admit that now he wants a family. Daniel, try a plant first, then move up to goldfish, then a dog, you see the trend. But he admits that the women he’s been meeting are “not lifemates.” No, their more like “Trojan mates.” He admits, “My clock is ticking.” Oh please, I don’t even believe that when women say it.

“Your father conceived after he was dead,” Claire reminds him. Poor Daniel, he can never live up to Bradford! “You’ll be fine.”

The financial crisis is hitting everyone hard:
Claire is recycling accessories from an earlier scene!

At Disco Suarez, Justin is bouncing around the living room showing Papi and Hilda his “moves.” Oh, Justin, j’adore you, but maybe if your mother worked she could afford real dance lessons. “You’re still popping your hip,” she says. Well, she would know. She says she really wants Justin to get the part because she wants him to find a place where he fits in. How about Chelsea?

I’m so light in my loafers I CAN FLY!

Back at Mode Kimmie has decided to join Mensa because she got Daniel’s terribly-worn cuticles into an exclusive nail salon that soaks your nails in organic olive oil. I have that too: it’s called MY KITCHEN. Betty runs through the ARG – she’s proud of Kimmie! Kimmie wants to celebrate by going out with Betty, which seems to defeat the purpose of celebrating but let’s roll with it. She’s signed them up to get in all the cool places – this can’t go wrong for Betty except you know it totally will!

As could be expected, Daniel has signed up for an exclusive dating service that is SO exclusive they’ve gotten him a date THAT EVENING! They must be in cahoots with the doctors Daniel always needs to see the day-of! “Since the last woman I picked ended up burning my house down, I thought I’d trust this to the professionals.” Ironically, the professionals are in cahoots with pyromaniacs as well as we shall soon see.

“Okay, you’re not this tall,” Betty says. Daniel responds that it depends on the shoe. Perhaps he was meeting the right women in the first place. “Likes: Sports. Women. Yoga. Walks at sunset. And myself.” Again, supermodels may be right up your alley. Too bad Christy Turlington is taken, she’s into yoga. But she does have a college degree so she’s probably already way too far ahead of Daniel. Betty offers to write it, then tells Daniel excitedly that she’s going clubbing with Kimmie Keegan. Oh man, is this going to go so badly.

Wow, even cows aren’t this full of shit, and they have 5 stomachs.

Speaking of things going badly…”I noticed you like a sugar fix after lunch,” Kimmie tells Amanda, handing her a jumbo-assed size cookie. Amanda is taken aback.

“You’re pretty. I just assumed you weren’t because you’re a friend of Betty’s,” Amanda says. Kimmie tells her how great Betty is and how she knows all this great stuff. “Look,” says Amanda, “knowing stuff is great for girls like Betty who don’t have their looks to skate by on…” she gestures to herself. “But I can teach you things that are really important.” Methinks they are headed to the closet for some girl-on-girl accessorizing! Spying the mini back-pack, she cuts it off of Kimmie and says, “NO!”

Is that catnip? MEOW!

Meanwhile at the theater of broken dreams, Justin is ready for his close up. Papi and Hilda ought to ask if the theater is hiring. And who is there? The big, bad bully of Justin’s school. His mother said he could only play football if he tried out for the play. What? What mother sends her bully son to dance auditions in order to play football? That seems odd. I think he’s a closet case and soon he and Justin will be dating!

Daniel is getting ready to head out for his insta-date who is, according to her profile, “Smart, a former model, loves her job, and her idea of a perfect date is a picnic in the park with children.” For a second, I thought it was me going on the date with Daniel until she wanted to picnic in the park with children. That is my idea of sheer hell!

Wow, she really needs to shave those legs. Or braid the hair.

“She sounds perfect,” Daniel says. Only for the viewers, Daniel! Betty puts him on the elevator with a thumbs up and that’s that. Then….she turns around only to see…Kimmie heading down the hall in a Devil-Wears-Prada walk only seen after one visits The Closet. Kimmie is all-that now, with fringed boots (ick, except judging by the red soles, they are Laboutins!), skanky leggings (they ALL are, people), too long top, too many gold chains, and a 70s bridesmaid hat…in other words, Lindsay picked this one out herself, possibly while high. And the Modewind machine kicks up just for her. I wish I had one of those for when I walked through the office, but we have a lot of paperwork and well, it would just fly around and give everyone facial paper cuts. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be funny, I’m just saying it would be a bloody mess. Literally.

Go into the light, Lindsay!

Betty is horrified because clearly she’s just a lumpy frump next to Kimmie. “Amanda took me to the closet. And to hair and makeup. I mean, I can’t believe we can just use those things whenever we want,” she says.

“We can’t,” Betty totally hall-monitors. Kimmie told Amanda about going clubbing and now Amanda and Marc are totally going. But don’t worry, she promises Betty, the night will be all about the two of them.

Or not.

In the cab, Marc, Amanda, and Kimmie are all laughs and giggles in the back of the cab while Betty sits in the front, still in officewear. She tries to get in on the conversation, but as the cab driver points out, “You’re not part of their group.” They all jump out of the cab and leave her to pay.

Daniel heads up to the boat for his blind date cruise…people, always meet a blind date where you have an out, like a coffee shop, bookstore, or crack house. Something with more than one set of doors or bathroom windows for escaping. “Mr. Meade?” says a voice that makes me want to play in traffic, “Welcome! I’m Harmony. Appropriate, right? Totally my real name.” Play in rush-hour traffic, that is. “Your date is right over there.”

Oh my God I want to kill you dead, Perky.

“You must be 49524,” Daniel says. Wilhelmina turns around and they both lose their sex drives. Oh, please, could you imagine two people that highly known in New York going through a dating service? Everyone on the cruise would be spilling to The Post that night. I know I would! Didn’t you hear my Sallie Mae story. Bastards!

“Your ideal day is a picnic in the park with kids?” Daniel spats.

“Six foot four?” Wilhelmina touchés back. She’s got you there, small fry. They both try to leave but too late, the S.S. Minnow has taken off for a torturous 3-hour tour.

I just imagined us having sex!

Out clubbing Kimmie can only get herself plus two into the club. The hell? At what point did she make the reservation for three? At the point where Betty was being dumped for cooler, more interesting friends. I mean, let’s be honest, Marc and Amanda don’t have acronyms for anything and they were probably never hall monitors or good citizens of the year. Translation: More fun!

“How about Marc, Amanda and me go in and see if it’s worth staying for?” Kimmie says. How about learning some grammar? Betty is devastated but really, Betty, did you expect anything less? “If it’s cool, I’ll come out and get you. Ten minutes.” See you in the morning!

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

At the theater, Justin confronts Bully McBullster and tells him that getting this part could change someone’s life, why is the bully even here? “I don’t go down to the football field because I feel like giving ball-tossing a try.” Well, maybe not yet, Justin, but something tells me you will be soon. Then they have a dance-off to see who is better. They both kind of make me sad. Also, if the other football players saw Bully dancing, they’d kick the shit out of him. They head out with a small fry to try out, and small fry kicks their ass. “I think that small kid was actually flying,” Justin says. Check his loafers!

SHAZAAAAAM!

Out on the poop deck of the very rocky boat, Wilhelmina and Daniel are suffering through Harmony’s perky comments. “I can already feel the tension!” she quips. Thanks Harmony, now get bent.

“I can’t believe Wilhelmina Slater uses a dating service,” he chuckles.

“Well, Marc doesn’t fulfill all of my needs,” she says. “God knows he’s given it the old college try.” Uh, Willie? N….I…..although you do look much better this week than last, thank God.

“I guess we all get lonely,” Daniel says.

“I’m not lonely, I’m horny,” she says, just as Harmony walks out and make a “I just felt vomit in my throat” face.

“Your first course is oysters on the half shell. They’re an aphrodisiac,” she says. Classy dating service. “Not that you need one,” she says to Willie. “Can I get you some wine?” No, there is plenty of whine at the table, thanks.

Justin comes out from the audition, “They went with the short kid,” he says. “Why don’t we get some ice cream to cheer you guys up?” he says to Papi and Hilda. When he turns around Bully is crying. “Are you okay?” The Bully yells at him to go away, and Justin wets himself a little before tearing out of there.

He just heard Wham! broke up.

Back on the Minnow, they keep bringing out the food…there are eight courses. That’s a lot for Wilhelmina to throw up. “I have got to get off this boat,” Daniel says. He grabs the candle from the table. Wilhelmina says he can’t catch the boat on fire and besides, explosives work better. Woman has a point.

Daniel, you have such a small wick.

Daniel holds the candle up to the smoke detector which clearly needs new batteries. Willie can’t stand him impotence and shows him how it’s done, by spraying hairspray on the candle and pretty much igniting the whole ceiling of the boat. Nice teamwork. I once heard a story about my brother doing that with his lighter and let’s say, uh, natural gas, but there was no teamwork on that one, unless the team included Captain Morgan. Or Crunch, he was pretty young at the time.

The smoke detector goes off and Harmony comes flying out. “Don’t panic, this happens like every other cruise,” she says. Again, great dating service. Hope there’s a money back guarantee. “Just as a precaution, the captain is heading back to shore.” Daniel and Wilhelmina toast each other. Aww, teamwork is awesome.

I learned this from my sister…let ME light your fire this time!

Back at the club, Betty was stupid enough to wait outside more than 30 seconds, and finally wises up and hails a cab. Just as one pulls up, Kimmie comes out to get her. “I’ve been waiting 45 minutes Kimmie.” What a total dumbass. Kimmie want her to wait so they can go talk. Has Kimmie ever been clubbing? I don’t believe you can actually hear each other talk. That’s what I’ve been told, or at least overheard at the water cooler on Monday mornings.

Kimmie tells her that she got Amanda and Marc in so they could ditch them. That takes 45 minutes? I’ve ditched people in that many seconds, and have been ditched myself in less. But Kimmie got them into a bunch of other places, including some after-hours places. Rut-roh, Betty has to work in the morning. No worries, Kimmie says Daniel and Willie have a meeting in the morning and won’t be in until almost lunchtime. They can sleep in without anyone knowing. And there’s the secret to Kimmie stellar career rise – coming in late!

Walking home while munching on a pretzel (not enough courses, Daniel?) Wilhelmina is telling Daniel about the time her daughter Nikko threw up on Armani – the man, not the dress. Well, at least he’s washable! Getting vomit out of a sequined dress is close to impossible, ask my dry cleaner. Daniel says that’s what he wants, those kinds of memories (well, not the barfing, but my understanding is that comes with the kid territory). Willie warns him that 2 months with a 12 year old is not the same as dealing with a new baby. No shit. I’m not sure which is worse, a baby crying or a 12 year old whining. It’s kind of a toss-up.

Willie tells Daniel to take his time on this whole family thing…she admits to screwing up with Nikko but hopes the new baby, you know, the one she’s having just to get a piece of a company, turns out better. I’m sure if you get a better nanny this time, the baby will only need half as many therapists as Nikko does.

Daniel gets back to the real situation – how are they going to handle things at work? Wilhelmina admits that they made a good team tonight. Ironic that all of Daniel’s interactions with the Slater sisters involves fire, doesn’t it? “Maybe we should start trusting each other?” Wilhelmina says.

“No offense, but I think trusting you would be making a rookie mistake,” Daniel says. Nice one. And? So true. I mean, the woman steals dead men’s sperm for God’s sake, how could you trust her with a magazine?

“Maybe with time, you can see that I can change,” she says. Yeah, I’m still on “no” with this one, Willie, but you do look fabulous. She turns to walk into a brownstone building.

“That’s not your building,” Daniel says.

Uh, this is awkward, but I’ll be screwing someone else tonight.
Thanks for the walk over, though!

“Uhhh…I called a buddy,” she begins. Aw, she means a F$&% buddy. Good for you, Willie. “Although I have long-tern goals I have short-term needs.” Daniel giggles like a school girl. And now he’s going to find one.

This twisted pretzel will cure what ails me!

Betty’s phone is ringing and it’s 10am. “Betty! Is everything okay?” Daniel asks, worriedly. His meeting was cancelled and he was all worried about Betty. So much so that he waited 2 hours to call her. I’m 10 minutes late getting home and my dad has called the S.W.A.T. team because clearly I’ve been hijacked. Betty says she’ll be there in no time and Daniel tells her not to worry because guess who’s there? Kimmie. That total and completely conniving bitch! What a genius! Except for those glove-like things she’s wearing. “She can cover for you,” he says, hanging up. And he wonders why he can’t have a long-term relationship!

Betty comes running in, “I’m here, I’m here,” and although it’s clear she’s over the whole bobby-socks/high-heels situation, she is wearing dark hose with hot pink shoes. I thought they just did that here in the Midwest? Betty, you should really have Christina vet your wardrobe more. She sees Kimmie in her chair looking at a website.

Oh my God, my hootie is splashed on the web (again)!

“Betty, look, there’s pictures of us all over the internet,” she says. Kimmie, porn sites with you do not count as good press. Daniel walks up to them all excited because Kimmie got them on page 6, where they haven’t been for ages. “Good work,” he says. Really? With all the scandal and tragedy and tranny goodness of that family, they haven’t been on page 6? Hard to believe. “Nice of you to join us,” he says to Betty. Oh she should totally deck him.

Kimmie says she came in early since Betty has seniority over her (if by seniority she means in size only), so she came in to “cover” for Betty. Yeah, only if “cover for” means “steal your job.” Beyotch! “I texted you,” she says. Betty never got it. “It must have gotten lost.” Oh, sure.

Betty goes running to Christina to tell her that the text didn’t get lost and that there isn’t tea in a Long Island Iced Tea. Betty, how do you dress yourself without tripping over your granny panties? Christina wonders if Kimmie wants Betty’s job, but Betty said she doesn’t want to work that hard. “Kimmie has always drawn her power from making me look bad,” Betty says. Just like Batman and the Joker! Except it’s hard to tell who’s who with the way they are both dressing.

To make matters worse, Kimmie has brought in their yearbook to show to Marc and Amanda. She probably keeps it right by her bed and reads all the inscriptions every night: 2 Good 2 Be Forgotten, Love, Someone you can’t remember. Betty comes up and says, “What are you guys looking at?” Betty, I’m 15 feet from my TV and even I know what they are looking at. Betty looks horrified. They see her Chess Club picture. Nice perm, Betty, and she’s wearing the same clothes then as she is today. Hope she washed them.

Look at all the losers and their pain! Hilarious!

Betty is about to sit down with them and Kimmie says, “Hey Betty, since you’re up, would you mind getting me a water?” This is exactly what she said to Betty right before pants-ing her back in high school. Don’t do it, Betty! It’s a trick! She’s Kaiser Söze! The call’s coming from inside the house! “There’s something on your skirt,” Kimmie says, walking over to her. Betty flashes back to high school, jumps off the chair, and pulls down Kimmie’s skirt. Was anyone else as surprised as I was to see La Lohan was wearing underwear? Good for you, honey!

I’ll be damned, she remembered to wear panties!

The cafeteria goes silent. A few people chuckle. Betty starts yelling about how Kimmie was about to do that to her, she did it to her in high school, blah, blah, blah. “Tell them!” she demands of Kimmie. “They called me Granny Pants for four years!”

Kimmie looks horrified. “I thought we were friends.” Maybe she’s just horrified at the vest-type thing she’s wearing? Marc and Amanda come to her sides and walk her away from Crazy Betty, formerly known as Ugly Betty.

Marc turns around and calls Betty “Granny Pants,” then calls Kimmie “Sexy Pants.” The important thing? She was wearing pants. Betty looks dejected. And terrible in that outfit. Her phone rings and it’s Kimmie’s text message…lost in space for hours. Well, she sent it from Queens, so maybe that was the holdup?

Back at High School Musical: Flushing Bully comes up to Justin to rip on the short kid that beat them out both for the role of a lifetime! He tells Justin he was popping his hip; Justin says Bully’s jazz squares were triangles. Do I sense a love connection being made? “Maybe we’ll hang out sometime,” he says to Justin. He makes a “knuckles to that” fist and Justin smacks it with his open hand. “We’ll work it out,” Bully says. Aw, yay Bully!

Knuckles to that…sort of!

Betty brings Daniel’s lunch…a turkey sandwich (sounds about right) and a slice of chocolate cake…can you hear the sucking noises? Daniel does. “Someone’s in suck-up mode,” he says. She apologizes for being late. He says her night out was great publicity…well, the fact that Kimmie was in the paper and only Betty’s elbow could be seen, because, you know, no one wants to see a school marm at the latest clubs.

“Hey, didn’t we used to have someone who did that for us? She was really good before she went to rehab,” Betty says. The part is perfect for La Lohan! “I bet Kimmie could do that job!” Daniel isn’t sure. “She got George Clooney to come to our Darfur benefit!”

Okay, hold the f@#*$& phone right there. Kimmie better lay off Clooney or I will cut her! Skank it up with the lower Affleck brother, Casey, not my man George, I am serious. I will hold a bigger Darfur benefit the same night at my house just to spite you. (Darfur is the dogs in wheelchairs charity, right?).

Daniel says he’ll think about it. Oh, I’ll give you something to think about young man. Betty asks how the date went. He says it started out rough but ended okay. Betty’s all excited and wants to know if he’s going to see her again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Well, at the next staff meeting, yes.

And at the next staff meeting, they are trying to decide between the two huge mega-budget photo shoot layouts they both did, because magazine budgets are not razor thin as they always says. So…”Puppies or War?” Wilhelmina asks. Why not puppies at war? They could be wrestling all over the place, we could dress them up, you know….make it the softer side of war?

Wilhelmina defers to Daniel’s love is a battlefield idea, apologizing that it took her “so long to see it.” Yeah, I’d be buying stock in Cosmo if I heard Wilhelmina Slater defer and apologize to Daniel Meade.

But wait! Daniel has more good news! He announces that Kimmie has been promoted to Associate Editor of Mode so she can get them press all over town. Betty is rightfully livid and I have to say Daniel is an absolute tool per usual not to know how this would affect Betty. Betty, his assistant who has gotten him out of trouble galore, has saved his ass on numerous occasions and is a GOOD employee, has been passed over for Hippie Dippy Doo. I’m not saying she’d be a Mode girl around town, I’m just saying what a bloody tool to have given Kimmie a title Betty would have killed for. And now she might. Where are those stairs?

I’d push her down the stairs just for wearing that.

“It’s just a title, it’s okay,” Daniel says. Yeah, I bet that title is in a higher pay grade than “Assistant to the Editor.” Well, it’s just a matter of time before she heads back to rehab. Again.

She congratulates Kimmie and Kimmie’s all like, “I know, right? I’m going to need some coffee. Half cafe Sumatra soy, 120 degrees,” she tells Betty and Betty laughs. “I’m not joking. I’m myself again. Ever since you’ve been helping me, my confidence has been creeping back in. I should thank you. But I won’t. Because I’m popular. And popular people don’t thank unpopular people. It’s just the natural order of things.” And popular people don’t speak in very large sentences, either. “I’m still waiting on that coffee. Granny Pants.” Hope she likes it wet, because there is going to be one huge lugey in it.

Betty watches in horror as Kimmie walks off with Marc and Amanda in tow. See? This is why you should never help people.

When you’re a jet, you’re a jet all the way
From your first cigarette to a walk down Mode’s va-jay-jayyy

The only upside to this is the report that Lindsay Lohan’s time on Ugly Betty has been cut short due to “creative conflicts” or “they hate her” or somewhere in between. She was supposed to be on for something like 8 episodes but they’ve cut her time on the show down to four episodes. They said it was to “help the story along” but methinks otherwise. And it looks like Amanda and Marc are fair-weather friends to Kimmie and they want her out as much as I do – I mean, as much as Betty does. Can’t wait for next week!