Ugly Betty: Takin’ Out the Trash!

Dear Crabby: What is life?

Dear Couch: Tico, a.k.a. the Rambutan! No, really, check it on Wikipedia. AFTER your read my recap, the other TVgasm recaps, all the TVGasm news, and all of the TVGasm forum threads. TVGasm is life!
(thus ends my sucking up for the week)

Seriously, don’t eat those, Ms. Size Not 4.

We open this episode of Ugly Betty with Betty leaving the elevator looking like Sesame Street threw up on her, telling her sister how she’s not going to let Kimmie get to her. She gets cell phone service in the Mode elevator? Hilda, running around Casa Suarez with a hairdryer in her hand (lest we forget she has some sort of career) is telling Betty to remember that Kimmie used her to get ahead. I would second that motion.

When is the last time either of you had sex?

Betty and Hilda are clearly unhappy as they are both carbo-loading, Hilda with a bagel in her mouth, Betty with two powdered doughnuts clearly filled with no good. She should really pass them over to me. “We’ll probably be so busy,” Betty optimizes, “we’ll never see each other,” which in TVLand means they will be together every second of every day!
Betty rounds the corner to see Kimmie sitting in her chair (wouldn’t they have given the Associate Editor an office?) getting her hair, nails, makeup, and cocaine cutting done for her. So…sanitary! And don’t they have a room somewhere in the Mode offices, say, “Hair & Makeup Department,” to do all that? Kimmie, you truly are that high school “bizzitch” we all hated.

“Kimmie?” Betty asks. Kimmie introduces her to her makeup trolls and the hair stylist turns to Betty with the blow dryer on and blows all the powdered sugar from the doughnuts all over Betty. Or it’s Lindsay’s cocaine. “And you are at my desk because?” a very irritated and almost hysterical Betty says.

Remember, America runs on cocaine!

“Oh, I’m just getting ready for my lunch with Talia from French Vogue. We’re discussing our benefit to save the llamas,” Kimmie says. Yes, because nothing says smart PR than doing a benefit with a competing magazine. I swear, Mode is so dumb sometimes. Also, if Betty is the Editor-in-Chief’s assistant, wouldn’t she kind of trump everyone in that office except, you know, the Editor-in-Chief? Seems like the hair and makeup trolls should be begging for forgiveness for getting her so messy and oh, yeah, get the hell outta there. I’m sort of disappointed Betty doesn’t throw at least a little hell around the office. I would be so all up in everyone’s business.

Betty and Kimmie see Daniel and both begin to chase him like Nanny Diaries kids begging for attention from their socialite parents. Kids, please! Daddy has a golf game. Kimmie’s telling Daniel all about a Sundance PR thing they could do (FUN!) and Betty’s trying to get Daniel’s attention by discussing the plumber (YUCK!). Who would you want to talk to more? Although, no one wants to live with a backed up toilet.

Look, it’s Ken and his sidekick pre-teen Skipper!

Daniel wants to discuss the Sundance sponsorship with Kimmie and asks Betty to get him some breakfast. Kimmie chimes in she’s famished, mostly because she’s emaciated and probably hasn’t eaten in weeks, and Daniel orders Betty to get Kimmie food too. Oh, bitch, you must be kidding. This is where I sometimes get frustrated, that Betty and Daniel are actually good friends and she never has the cajones to sit him down and say, “Hey, Kimmie is a skank who treated me like crap and is continuing to do so because you let her and oh by the way, where is my promotion? Yeesh. Until then, she should totally spit in everything she gives Kimmie.

Please get someone else to help you
with your not-so-fresh feeling.

Betty drops off Kimmie’s breakfast and tells her that if she needs anything else, she should, “Probably do it yourself,” which is code for “Shove it all the way with a red-hot poker, bizzitch.” Kimmie tries to put Betty in her place by showing her new business cards, “Kimberly Keegan, Associate Editor.” Did I say bizzitch because I meant BIZZITCH TO THE TENTH POWER. “What’s your card say?” Of course, Betty doesn’t have any, which doesn’t make sense since Daniel gave Betty a Tiffany business card holder during season one. If he gave her a business card holder for no business cards, he’s a bigger dick than any of us knew. And again, Assistant to the Editor-in-Chief seems like it would necessitate business cards. At this point, Betty is starting to seem like a damn temp.

Kimmie holds up her hands, one higher than the other. “Editor…assistant….Editor…assistant. In just two weeks I’ve gotten higher than you have in two years.” If I were Betty it would be so on. I would totally float a rumor Kimmie got to where she did by sleeping with Daniel (who wouldn’t believe that?), then I’d float a rumor about genital warts. Faster than planning a murder, and less jail time.

Wait…who’s this nerd and how did he get past security? Oh, it’s one of the Mode accountants, a.k.a. “Not Henry,” who is telling Daniel, Wilhelmina, and Claire that the magazine industry is getting hard and like the fashion industry, they’d like “not to see red.” Oh, accountant humor, please stop. Not Henry might tell them that doing two photo shoots each month is part of the problem. As an aside, Wilhelmina is wearing a really cool necklace that looks like some kind of piece of machinery, and I’m pretty sure it’s what is keeping her head connected to her body. Like RoboEditor!

Wilhelmina and Daniel could not be more bored with the meeting, what with all the numbers and pocket-protectors, so they get up to leave, but Claire does a motherly smack down and tells them that although Alexis had the occasional impulse for murder (don’t we all? The difference is we don’t act on them or at least know enough not to get caught), but she also had a keen mind for numbers. Murder by numbers! Sting, is there anything you don’t know?

Claire, if you don’t graduate from clown college,
you have to give the costume back.

Claire suggests bringing in someone to run the business. “Dear Claire,” Wilhelmina snots, “Setting us straight like a poor man’s Sally Field.” When I first watched this, I thought she meant Sally Struthers and I was like, Claire’s not stealing food from children now, is she? Claire recommends they hire a CFO.

Okay. Let me get this straight. The Meade Empire does not have someone designated as a CFO, just nerdy accountants. So, it’s like there are a lot of Julie McCoys and Issac the Bartenders, but no Captain Stubing to STEER THE SHIP? I hope Not Henry is embezzling money, because by the time they find it’s missing, he could be in Cabo with a hot chick, new pecs, and hair implants.

All more qualified to run Mode than Daniel or Wilhelmina.

Back at Betty’s pied-à-terre, Jesse offers to help her bring in some groceries. “So what’s the guitar for?” Betty asks. “Do you have a gig? Am I using that word correctly?” It’s open mic night at some coffee shop and he’s headed over. That’ll pay the rent.

Betty suddenly provides TMI to him by saying she’s only an assistant, doesn’t have business cards, doesn’t get noticed, and just brings people breakfast. He calls her “Super-B” and says, “You strike me as a dreamer.” And Jesse, you strike me as a pot smoker and perhaps drinker of the bong water. Then he sings some advice, “Go for it Betty, no need to get sweaty.” He doesn’t know her very well, does he? She uses dress shields to avoid pit stains.

The fungus just crept up from my crotch,
what’s a girl to do?

We fade into the next day where Betty’s outfit isn’t much better than yesterday, and Kimmie is in the conference room dressed in some kind of vest of fungus, talking a mile a minute. “The manager said, ‘Are you Kimmie from Mode?’ and I said, ‘Yeah,’ cause I am…” oh, it’s like listening to teenagers at the mall. Marc and Amanda stop by to say hello in equally heinous outfits (seriously, Costume Designer, less costume, more design), and Kimmie says, “Busy, busy, let’s talk later,” and totally blows them off.

Blows off Amanda and Marc? This is gonna be good. “Did she just give us the Busy-busy-let’s-talk-later blow off?” Amanda says. “We invented that blow off!”

“Yes we did,” Marc says, “to remind all the little people that we are king and queen of prom.” I usually just wear my crown to work as a reminder to people. Of course, I did have to smack down that prom queen to get it, just like Queen Elizabeth.

Wilhelmina and Daniel come into the conference room talking about the “Sizzling Hot” ideas for their March issue. “I was only blind with rage two times,” Wilhelmina compliments them. I can’t wait to use that at my next AA meeting! Daniel runs through the list of who provided them with hot ideas that will end up in the magazine, including Kimmie who found the sizzling hot club (go figure). Betty starts to hear Jesse’s “Betty Sweaty” song in her head.

Daniel tries to escape the hideousness of her outfit.

Outside, she asks Daniel why she didn’t get to submit any sizzling hot ideas. Probably because you are dressed like a marionette from Pinocchio and wouldn’t know hot if you touched it without oven mitts. She asks Daniel why she didn’t submit something and he’s all like, Uh, because you didn’t? Little help, here, Betty. He tells her if she wants something she should speak up like she does when he screws up, and I’m starting to see why Betty is still an assistant…she nags and that’s all she does. Besides dress like a school marm on ‘shrooms, that is.

Daniel tells her to pitch him something, right there, as they are walking through the streets while he attempts to lose her. Betty panics and names the first thing she sees – hot fruit! Well, the fruit itself isn’t hot, unless the vendor leaves it in the sun all day, but she is going to find the next hot fruit. HOTT. Good for you, nutritionist Betty! That’s one way to make your mark, through the food pyramid.

And speaking of sizzling hot fruit, Papi is making friend plantains or bananas, depending on what he got at the Fruiteria that day. And what else is Papi doing? Providing us with a public service announcement on voting. He’s all excited because it’s the first time he gets to vote. Papi, if you lived in Chicago you could make this the first AND second time you voted.

Hilda is all excited about the election too because she’s going to promote her shop to everyone waiting in line at the polls, all of which happen to be located right around the corner. Because nothing irritates people than a sales pitch while they are waiting in line. Betty comes running in with a basket full of fruit and Papi says, “I left Mexico so my family wouldn’t have to sell fruit on the street!” No, you left Mexico because you thought you killed the husband of the woman you were having an affair with and you didn’t want to go to jail. I’m just saying, get your facts straight.

Thank you, Encyclopedia Britannica, for doing all the hard work.

Betty is all excited because she gets to choose the sizzling hot fruit for Mode, which doesn’t explain why she bought green apples. “I’m in charge!” she says, “I’m in charge!” You know, just because you say that doesn’t mean it’s true, I’m living proof of that. Betty and her family are plowing through a plate of fruit and I hope Betty is keeping the plumber’s number handy, because in about 2-4 hours they are going to need it. Suddenly Papi remembers something from his chef days. “The tico berry,” which is an exotic fruit from Brazil. It looks like a sea anemone. I’m in!

“Succulent, flavorful, rumored to have special healing powers,” Betty reads. Just like George Clooney! Betty checks it out online and her eye almost bug out of her head….”OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” she says. Are the berries orgasmic too?

Back at Mode Willie and Daniel enter the conference room to tell everyone that, “Betty scored a giant coup for the Sizzling Hot issue.” Turns out the tico berry is the favorite fruit of supermodel Adriana Lima, who spent every summer on her grandfather’s tico berry farm and credits them for making her beautiful. (Amanda runs to the cafeteria to grab some, “For my friend,” she says). On top of that, Adriana has agreed to do the cover and provide an interview on the tico berries. She’s never appeared on a Modecover before, so they are slashing the budget (bye-bye Kimmie’s club) going all-in on the photo shoot. In your face, Kimmie, in your emaciated face! They put Betty in charge of the whole shoot. I’d like to take back that “In your face, Kimmie,” if I could now.

Thus concludes my book report on the tico berry.
Hey, where did everybody go?

“Game on, Betty,” Kimmie says. If this is anything like dodgeball, Betty’s toast. And let’s just say for the record, this was not Betty’s idea, it was Papi’s. If anything, he should be running the shoot and fighting Kimmie. I’m just pointing this out as a public service announcement on not taking credit for other people’s work, Betty.

Back on the streets of New York, Willie’s on the phone, “Marc, the car is not here, make it get here now.” If only Marc had that kind of power. Suddenly someone says, “Aren’t you Wilhelmina Slater?” to which she rolls her eyes and says, “Dear Lord.” She turns around and sees…someone who should be on Mode’s Sizzling Hot list. Me-ow!

Oh, he’ll make you go blind, Willie,
just not with rage.

He continues, “I’m such an admirer.” Willie surmises he’s either gay or a gossip. No, it’s Connor Owens, who just recently “took my stock options and ran” from his last company. I tried to do that with the stock options I was offered at a company, but 7000 options times zero is…I’m still working. I’m also guessing he grabbed his options in mid-summer, otherwise he’d be taking them to Flushing Burger and working with Papi!

Willie compliments him on what he did, then manages in the next second to blurt out that Mode is not doing well. Jesus, you’d better hope he’s not a gossip! “Any publisher in town would love to have your titles,” he says. Her car pulls up (nice product placement, marketers!) and they shake hands and part ways. Willie, weren’t you just lamenting last week you have no daddy for your illegitimate posthumous baby/Meade stock options?

“Connor, would you have any interest in coming to work at Meade?” Willie asks. Way to vet, what is he, a Vice Presidential nominee? He declines saying he and Daniel “have a long history.” Is Daniel gay? Because if so, great choice Daniel! Willie is intrigued.

Back at Mode, Kimmie is begging to be a part of the shoot Betty is working on, but doesn’t actually want to work. I’m with you there, Kimmie. Daniel is speaking with Suzuki St. Pierre who is there to do the story on the scoop of Mode getting Adriana Lima to do their cover. “It’s two scoops with whipped cream and sprinkles,” he says. Excuse me, I need DQ to the rescue.

Sweet, merciful crap, have that thing surgically removed if necessary.
I’m talking about your assistant, here, Daniel.

Daniel admits it was his “incredibly capable assistant” who made this happen. Suzuki loves the angle of small person making big and when Daniel points her out, Suzuki winces. I know, right? “Makeup!” Only if they have body makeup to cover that hideous outfit, Suzuki, and oh my God is she wearing Claire’s red belt from last week? It’s going to have its own reality show soon.

Betty is putting on her own makeup (why, please?) and Kimmie comes up all Michael-Jackson-gloved and says she can’t stand to see makeup done badly. I guess we’ll just stick to your hair and clothes, then? Betty wisely tells her to piss up a rope. But per usual, Betty caves like a bat and allows Kimmie to make her up like a tart. I’m sure the Ugly Betty makeup crew was like, “We’ll be at Craft Services gorging on cookies, let Lindsay make her purty.”

Kimmie puts on fake eyelashes (always a good move to try those for the first time during something big), lots of makeup, and commends Betty for a job well done. Betty, I tire of your naïveté and I love the accents on that word. So international. Also? I cannot wait for you to become Ugly on the Inside Betty.

Kimmie gets Betty to practice what she is going to say, which per usual is a little contrived, but once again, let’s run with it. But folks, would you put someone with NO PR experience or training, and let’s be honest, someone who looks like aMode Don’t to promote your magazine? Also, why would they be doing this live, the March issue is probably done in October or judging by the weather in New York, June. No one is going to care about the March issue then. AND…come to think of it, why blow the tico berry story now when everyone else will start reporting on it so when the March issue does hit the stands, it will be old news? Wow…getting that MBA in Negative Studies really paid off!

Betty rushes off to call her family so they can watch TV – trust me, Betty, that’s what they are doing since they don’t work and only seldom attend school. Kimmie pays one of the lighting guys to kick the lights up a little hotter. If you’ve ever worked with those lights, they are like a solar system onto themselves. Anything hotter would melt the cameras. But Kimmie slips the guy some money, probably from Monopoly, to “make it hot.” Bleh! Betty sweats!

You misunderstood me, I said I wanted to Yank his Doodle…

Hilda is decorating for tomorrow’s big Beautilities/Voting event with Justin all dressed up as Uncle Samantha to pass out fliers because again, he’s not going to school because he’s on his period. Betty calls to tell them she’ll be on TV and Justin almost strokes out.

Back at Mode Daniel and Wilhelmina are no where to be found which is unusual for media whores. Betty is going over her index cards and I hate her like the hall-monitor she is. Snitch! Suzuki asks the “very stylish people of Mode to hold it down,” which never works for me in meetings. They are going live!!!!! And the lights go on. Seems like they would have checked those before turning them on at that second with one of those light meter things so they don’t look like some dumbass college production.

Betty starts to sweats immediately, wiping her face, her bangs, around her eyes, and then she starts fanning herself. This would have been a much better interview for Hot Flash. She drinks water and is seriously sweating up a storm. So icky. And she stumbles over her answers and accidentally calls Adriana “old.” Models love that. Suzuki asks if it would go with vodka to make a good Tico-Tini. Wonder if DQ has those in Blizzard form?

Water is life! Pant, pant, pant…

Betty wipes her eyes and the lashes are on the loose! She starts talking about “Adriana’s berries,” which I believe are 36Cs. She excuses herself from the interview for a moment which is always awesome during a LIVE broadcast, and Kimmie jumps in. Less sweaty, she uses all of Betty’s talking points and ends with, “You heard it here live from Mode from Kimmie Keegan, Associate Editor.” Betty can’t believe she got screwed again, I can’t believe she’s that thick! Literally AND figuratively!

In the principal’s office, Daniels is thanking Betty for all her hard work and what a great job she’s done, yadda, yadda, Lobster Bisque, and Wilhelmina says, “Just rip it off, Daniel! The TV spot was a disaster! Kimmie will work on the cover with you to add a little polish.” Yes, because nothing says professional than a dumpy, wimpy assistant, and 3-weeks working skank. YAY Mode! Betty is sick, Kimmie is thrilled. “Anyone’s name that is not on the masthead may leave.” I’m going to use that one at Thanksgiving.

Betty has a smack down with Kimmie out in the hall. “Betty, it’s not my fault you don’t have the face, or pores, for television,” Kimmie says. Ouch. Just cause it’s true…they junior-high back and forth until Kimmie says, “The shoot is in two days. My bet is, by the time it happens, one of us will be gone. And it won’t be me.” Kimmie, bad news. The show is called Ugly Betty. I’m betting against Satan in this one. Hope he doesn’t hold it against me at our next appointment!

Wilhelmina brings up the topic of hiring a financial advisor for the company with Daniel and suggests Connor Owens. Me-ow! Did I mention me-ow? Daniel will have none of it, but won’t say why. Maybe they experimented together in college? Willie says she thought they had reached a point where they could put aside differences and do what’s best for Meade. Daniel has a thoughtful moment. Or he just crapped his pants, it’s hard to tell with him sometimes.

Later, Betty comes into Daniel’s office saying she can’t work with Kimmie and wah-wah-wahmbulance. Daniel tells her to suck it up like he has with Wilhelmina. Well, if Betty were in your tax bracket, she might feel better about sucking it up. She might even feel better if you spent $25 on some bloody business cards too! “She doesn’t play fair!” Betty yells. No, Betty, you did not just use the “play fair” line of bullshit for not getting your way. Get your ass out there and start getting this done, and I mean NOW.

What kind of witch did you drop the house on to get those shoes?

In the Mode cafeteria, Marc and Amanda walk in and wave to Kimmie who immediately puts her bag up on one chair and her skanky feet up on another so they can’t sit down. This means war! Walking outside, Amanda dressed normal and Marc dressed like a British dandy (is that redundant?), cane in hand (I would always be smacking someone indiscriminately), Amanda says, “When did this happen? We used to be the ones spreading rumors, mocking co-workers, ruining self-esteem.” They decide to get more info on the situation before “going nuclear,” and kudos for them for not ruining the pronunciation.

Aren’t there any children I could smack with my cane?

“Oh look, it’s sad Betty,” Marc says, as they sit with her on the bench. She actually looked more like uni-bomber Betty with that grimace. Amanda says they need to talk to her about something that affects all of them, like “global warning.” Thank God she’s pretty. Marc says, “It’s Kimmie, and the Inconvenient Truth is that she’s evil.” Wow, two public service announcements in one show, and they didn’t even have to use that star-thingy from NBC. “She has to go.”

“What do you mean, go?” Betty asks because she’s a moron.

“We need to kill her,” Amanda says, reading my mind.

“Get her fired,” Marc corrects. School marm! “And we need your help. She’s working with you on this shoot thing.” Betty has to think about it. “She did weasel her way into your shoot.” Betty has to think about it. And think some more. She says it’s not taking the high road but at this point, shouldn’t Kimmie be road kill no matter how high the road gets? Raise your hands with me, people – whoa, not so fast, you’ll change the tides.

Why don’t we just go Clockwork Orange on her ass?
I’m already dressed for it!

Betty refuses. NO FUN. Better make an extra appointment with your gyno this year, because you are going to get screwed but good.

Back at Mode Wilhelmina is showing everyone a replica of some replica of a hideous strawberry necklace Marie Antoinette wore before she had no neck. She wonders if it would be a fitting piece for the Adriana shoot? Would it make sense to do something with a strawberry when you are promoting tico berries? Try to stick with one theme, please.

Is neck composting sizzling hot, because that’s what this looks like.

And speaking of tico berries, guess who’s arrived? Adriana! With Kimmie! Oh crap. She says Kimmie has been telling her all of HER ideas for the photo shoot, which she thinks is “genius.” Kimmie also replaced Marc’s boyfriend Cliff on the shoot for Phillipe Loire who they saw at a club last night. Kimmie tells Betty that she saw on the schedule given out that Adrianna was coming in that night, so she met her at the airport and they hung out all night together. Not that way, people.

“And you told her my ideas were your ideas?” Betty asks.

“Maybe you should have done more than just send a fruit basket to her room,” Kimmie responds. Well, she does have a point, but I hate that she does! Betty tries to introduce herself to Adriana but Kimmie interrupts that they have to go to a spa. As they leave, Kimmie says, “Don’t worry about her, she’s just someone’s assistant.”

Marc and Amanda come up behind Betty. “Screw the high road,” Betty says, “I’m in. Let’s kill Kimmie.” See, if this were a real telenovela, Kimmie would be on her way to being dead like for real. And, since this is Ugly Betty, all Betty would get is community service. In France. With Alexis.

And while we’re at it, let’s kill the costume designer.

By the way, does anyone really get these VW commercials about women having babies to get VW cars? I’m not really sure of the connection between pregnancy and German engineering. Germans and comedy do not mix. Ever.

Guess who’s coming to finance? Connor is in the Mode offices with Daniela and Wilhelmina saying that he knows Daniel from Harvard (oh, my ASS Daniel went to Harvard) but unlike Daniel he didn’t grow up filthy rich, no, he grew up on the penal colony now known as Australia. YAY continent of totally fun people and crooks! He blah, blahs some more until he tells them he never takes a job just for the money. He and I are very different people.

MY GOD HIS FEET ARE HUGE.

He tells them they need a new business plan and hands him one. I bet the first paragraph involves not letting assistants project manage one of the biggest cover of their magazine’s life without, you know, SUPERVISION of some sort. I bet the plan recommends keeping to one cover photo shoot a month and he suggests getting rid of the tranny option on the health insurance. I know I was pissed when ours was cut, but that’s what flex spending accounts are for. Daniel won’t even shake hands with this felon. I love Connor times two!

That evening, Betty invites Marc and Amanda over for a Murder Dinner Party. Amanda is suggesting putting heroin in Kimmie’s pockets and having her imprisoned. Betty and Marc veto that idea. Cliff says she deserves whatever horrible punishment she gets. It took me a minute to realize who that was, what with him horizontal on Betty’s couch, stuffing his mouth with pizza. “Cliff, napkin!” Marc barks. Amanda suggests a guillotine, which appropriate considering the necklace they want to use.

How did Cliff not make the sizzling hot list?

Wait – the hideous necklace is up for auction and if they use it and drive up the price, Willie gets what I can only assume is a somewhat illegal kickback from the auction house. Sotheby’s and Christie’s, will you ever learn? So, if the necklace isn’t in the shoot, “Someone’s going to lose her head!” Betty says. Let it be Kimmie!

Oh, you’ll kill her because I TOLD you to,
and you’ll enjoy it, young lady!

Wow! Election day is also one big day for salons judging by Hilda’s Beautilities business. I mean, I know the first thing I want to do after waiting in line to vote is go get my hair done, especially since I vote during a work day. I guess everyone is paying in cash? That would cut down business a lot. Papi comes in and is all up in Hilda’s business to go vote, but she doesn’t care because she’s doing that other all-American thing, making money. Well finally!

The votes are in, and your hair really sucks!

At the photo shoot, Marc and Amanda are telling Kimmie what a great job she did, how wonderful everything looks, sucka! “But what is that thing on Adriana’s stand-in’s neck?” Amanda asks. It’s the hideous rotted strawberry necklace of doom, that’s what! “Ew, Marc, check that out!” They continue to make fun of it then say, “This was Betty’s idea, wasn’t it? Cause it sucks.” After absolutely no careful consideration, Kimmie agrees and asks that it be removed.

Wait, I’m all confused! My brain hurts, probably because
I forgot to use conditioner this morning!

Marc and Amanda leave the shoot walking by Betty, “We set her up,” Amanda says, “You knock her down,” Marc finishes. Betty looks like she just came out of Alice in Wonderland with that outfit. Court jester does not suit her. The worst part is they are probably really expensive designer clothes thrown together by a savant.

Mad as a hatter doesn’t even come close to
describing the person who put this ensemble together.

In a limo headed to the shoot, Wilhelmina looks fabulous. Her updo makes me want to grow my hair out just so I can do that. She wants to know if Connor is a no-go with Daniel. He doesn’t answer because he’s 10 and didn’t get his way. “Fine, I’ll call him.” Hope his business plan has a copyright. Daniel borrows her phone and offers Connor a job, saying she was right, they need him. Wha-huh?

Wouldn’t my hair look great this way?
You’ll have to trust me on this one.

Kimmie is running the whole shoot and is shouting about how she doesn’t eat albacore. Ironically, she does eat lugey, she just doesn’t know it. Betty is trying to set Kimmie up and does it in the worst way, but Kimmie is busy running the shoot and actually being sort of competent, so she’s not really paying attention. Betty tells Kimmie that Wilhelmina likes it when people disagree with her. “She’ll walk on the set and ask to change 10 things, but what she really wants is for someone to tell her no…the only way to impress Wilhelmina is to be strong.” Field goal!

Fashion shoot or carnival? Vogue has
nothing to worry about except the llamas.

Daniel and Wilhelmina show up at the shoot and Daniel tells Betty how proud he is of her for “making this happen.” He tells her it’s not easy to get ahead in this business and basically makes her feel guilty for doing what she’s about to do. She runs over to Kimmie to try to fix things but Kimmie is in no mood. Marc and Amanda try to stop her from doing the right thing but deep down our Betty is a good citizen and has the award to prove it. “This isn’t how I want to get ahead,” she says. Stupid girl. Enjoy assisting dimwads all your life.

Betty’s following in Claire’s footsteps, right down to Clown College.

However, Kimmie isn’t going for it. She thinks Betty is trying to screw her now, not before, and says she’s not going to back down. “Unlike you, Betty, I intend to go places,” she says. Hope she knows that place is back to Flushing Burger!

Betty tries to get the necklace put back into the shoot. Kimmie says no and that she’s a good judge of character, and right now Betty is “oozing petty, bitter, jealous ooze.” This is where I would walk if not sooner. Wilhelmina comes up behind them asking for the necklace.

“It’s not going to be in the shoot,” Kimmie says.

“But I want it in the shoot,” Wilhelmina says.

“Yeah, but it’s hideous so we’re not using it,” Kimmie answers. “Don’t worry babe, I’ve got it covered. Just sit back, relax, have a doughnut.” Kimmie, the line is “Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.” Duh! Marc and Amanda gasp.

“Do you have some kind of death wish?” Wilhelmina asks. No, but others do…for her!

“My only wish right now is that you scooty-scoot-scoot,” Kimmie says, doing the “scoot” hand wave. I do that to my dogs to make them poop in the yard instead of the patio! “Go on, find some place shady.”

“Get the damn necklace and put it in the damn picture,” Wilhelmina says. Betty hands her the necklace.

“It’s not going in the picture. That’s my decision and that’s final.” Yep, it sure is!

The precise moment where Wilhelmina burst a blood vessel in her temple.
Thanks to Botox, she has no idea.

“Well, you’re fired!” Wilhelmina says, ripping the necklace from her hands.

“No I’m not fired!” Yeah, I don’t think that works.

“Oh yes you are fired!”

Kimmie tells Wilhelmina that Marc, Amanda, and Betty all tricked her and Wilhelmina gives them all a withering look, then calls security to come get Kimmie. I bet that happens to Lindsay all the time, so it’s sort of Method acting for her at this point.

If I cared about disciplining any of you kids,
you would all be so grounded!

“Nah-uh,” Kimmie says channeling spoiled brat I saw at the grocery store the other night. “No Kimmie, no shoot.” Seriously? “Have fun doing a tico berry shoot with no tico berries,” she says, throwing the basket of hard-to-get berries into a pond. Meh. They probably have them at Duane Reade, run to the corner and get some, Betty.

Is it me, or does this look like the damn strawberry necklace?

Kimmie ends this tirade with a “Ha!” right before security grabs her and escorts/carries her off. “Screw all of you, you haven’t seen the last of me.” I’m pretty sure Wilhelmina is going to have a handbag made out of your scrawny hide, so yes, I believe we have. Fingers crossed. Marc and Amanda are pleased and back to their prom royalty selves.

Just another day for Lindsay.

Oh crap, guess who’s here looking for her tico berries. Wilhelmina says, “Betty?” D’oh! What will we do now? Maybe they can call Mario Battali and get some with more smelly cheese?

I once ate a tico berry this big!

Back at Hilda’s, a guy walks in to get a hair cut. He saw one of her flyers and needs his hair trimmed up. I love the way he keeps his suit on while she starts to cut his hair – dry. Yuck. There will be hair everywhere! He says he had no idea this place was here and that it will really help with the community. He asks if she had a hard time getting her business license. Ah, here we go.

“Nah, I didn’t get one,” she says. Look, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away…what Hilda got in boobs she lost in I.Q. “What’s the big deal? Who’s going to say anything?” Well, probably the councilman who is sitting in your pink chair right now. Who’s the bizzitch now? “Are you here to bust me?”

No, he just wants a haircut and now Hilda won’t give him one. Way to get a councilman on your side, you know, in case you need something like I don’t know, A BUSINESS LICENSE? She tosses him out after finishing only half his hair. Sweet. He gives her a business card and tells her to temporarily shut down until she gets a license. What he doesn’t know is that unlike the past several months, Hilda actually does have business – booked for 6 weeks straight. How can she close down now? It sucks when the man, or in this case, hombre, holds you down. That, and all the legalities of owning a business in the first place. They’ll be sleeping together soon, don’t worry.

Here’s my card when you realize you’ll have to screw me to get that business license, chica!

Adriana says, “Hello, I’m waiting for my beautiful berries!” Yes, we heard you the first one thousand times, shut your tico hole please!

They are trying to stall and Wilhelmina says, “You know what they say about models but this one is a smart one.” Everyone take a moment to enjoy that one, I know I did, much to the chagrin of my dogs who were sound asleep when I let out that guffaw. Smart models indeed! Then they flash over to her finishing a Rubik’s cube and asking for the Sunday Times crossword. The jig is up.

Does anyone have a quarter? I need to call MY ASS on this one.

Betty goes over to Adrianna and asks her about the fruit basket at her hotel. There were tico berries at the shoot but now they don’t due to “an incident.” I hope I do something that makes someone call me “an incident” some day, you know, besides my mother. So notoriously glam! Betty tells her they aren’t that easy to come by because, after all, New York isn’t po-dunk Todos os Santos Bay for Christ’s sake.

I just got goosed by a tico berry! Tico is life!

Adriana is intrigued that Betty knew that bay, but something tells me it’s listed on Adriana’s bio and the numerous websites basement-dwelling virgins have dedicated towards her. Betty tells her it’s just some of the research she did. “Kimmie told me she did all the work,” Adriana says. But she’s a smart one, so she realizes that Kimmie, “Is that type of girl.” Luckily, she didn’t eat all of the tico berries, she was rationing them out.

Showing a picture of the tico berry, it looks like a little scoop of strawberry sorbet in a sea anemone. Super yum. The shoot goes off without a hitch, you know, except for not having tico berries at the tico shoot. Even the necklace doesn’t look too hideous.

Suck on this, Kimmie!

Daniel is looking through the pictures and apologizes to Betty for not seeing that Kimmie was a bad seed. He gives her a present to celebrate but before she can open it, look who shows up but the Sizzling Hot Connor Owens. Betty nudges Daniel to introduce her and she’s all excited and school-girlish saying she knows who he is and he’s famous in publishing and he has a firm handshake with hands like tennis rackets with fingers (wtf?) and ohmygod no wonder Betty doesn’t get promoted!

Daniel shoos Betty away and has a private talk with Connor about the offer. In Daniel’s office they do the I’m-not-gay “knuckles to that” move and talk about how they smoothly put one over on Wilhelmina. WHAT?!?!?! How did I not see that coming? Wow, seriously, that was ring-dropping-on-the-Sixth-Sense-floor sucker punch to my usually uncanny ability to see bullshit coming my way. I really need to step it up. Damn.

You don’t mind if I experiment a little with Willie now that I’m part of the team, do you?

Back at Betty’s apartment hallway, she bumps into Jesse and tells him it was a great day because he told her to go for it. She holds up her business card holder and inside are her new business cards – WITH NO TITLE. Two years she’s been working there and still no title? Because I’m thinking even HR has a title for her, like, oh, I don’t know, “Assistant to the Editor,” or now, “Assistant to the Co-Editor,” or “Assistant II,” or something like that. And did anyone else notice her box of cards was much smaller than Kimmie’s? Damn. Sort of a left-handed compliment, huh? But Betty’s too excited about the cards to notice. Must be the printer ink making her high.

Next week? Jesse dedicates a song to Betty and Amanda moves in with her. Mayhem ensues. See you next week!

Weighing your career options after being bounced off a top-rated show?
See ya, Kimmie, we hardly knew ye, thank God.